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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel offended at midwife making comments about my weight?

165 replies

lill72 · 06/04/2014 19:02

So, I went for my first midwife appointment today. This is my second child.

I am ten weeks and extremely miserable with nausea and severe hunger all the time. I hate food at the moment, though I have to eat all the time. I eat as healthily as I possibly can, but I have been eating a lot and have put on a bit of weight already.

I was always in a normal weight range, but have struggled to get rid of a bit of weight from my last pregnancy, plus now have put on a little weight.

When the (male) midwife took my weight, it was above normal so he went into this whole questioning of why I might be like this and things he has to say about i should be eating healthy food and not eating for two. Ah yes, obviously buddy.

But try telling a pregnant, starving nauseous woman this!!!!!!!! I was just not in the mood to hear this and feel it was rather insensitive to say this. I now they have to say this stuff, but now he has made me super paranoid about my weight and now I feel bad when I eat - which is all time at the moment. I cannot wait for this period of severe starvation to be over - I dread eating.

What do you think?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 06/04/2014 22:11

YABU

The midwife is concerned for the health and well being of you and your baby.

And what's with calling it a 'severe starvation' period?

Meerkatwhiskers · 06/04/2014 22:16

There's your problem, you are classing smoothies as healthy. They aren't.

He had to say it but could have been nore tactful. I needed to get my bmi below 30 to get referred for fertility treatment. Quite glad as it means I'm overweight rather than obese for being pg (if that happens anyway). I can't be doing with those lectures lol. I'm a HCP too so know it's part of the job but hey.

MillyJones · 06/04/2014 22:25

YANBU. Your doing fine. Eat what you want when you are hungry. Its awful when you feel sick isn't it. You might find that when you no longer feel sick that you wont be eating as much and your weight will even out as the baby starts growing. I would have felt offended too. Everyone has their own views on what healthy eating is anyway.

Original poster
lill72 · 06/04/2014 22:32

Meerkatwhiskers - I totally get your point about smoothies, but I have a smoothie with fresh fruit or fresh fruit and soy. coconut milk. Sometimes this is all I can stomach for lunch. Not sure why this is so unhealthy? Sure on a normal basis, I wouldn't have these as much. they would be a treat. But as a liquid lunch is all I can stomach some days, surely this is better than many things I could be having???

Bumpotato - agree a good midwife recognises things and acts accordingly. I just got fired lots of very personal questions with no bedside manner at all.

OP posts:
FanFuckingTastic · 06/04/2014 22:35

He may not have the physical experience, but I am sure he has seen many women in similar states and got his approach towards the issue a bit wrong. Different people, different needs.

You are scared and sensitive and you've over-reacted a bit, tell him how you feel and I am sure he can adjust his approach to your issues in a less upsetting way.

Waterfalls1 · 06/04/2014 22:41

Sorry YABU he is just doing his job

NancyJones · 06/04/2014 22:46

Worra, so you would just have told me I had to stop living on junk, would you? And ended up back in hospital on yet another drip for days, throwing up bile and blood every 20minutes?

Would you have told me I must stop drinking full fat, full sugar coke? Even when it was literally the only liquid which would stay in my stomach? Glad my consultant was more understanding than many on this thread. Severe MS is hideous and no amount of telling a woman who is suffering from it that she needs to eat healthier will make any difference.

Original poster
lill72 · 06/04/2014 22:51

Agree NancyJones - severe MS is hideous. The midwife's helpful advice to me today - 'it will pass'. Is that the best you've got - really?

OP posts:
Waterfalls1 · 06/04/2014 22:52

I just got fired lots of very personal questions with no bedside manner at all

What were the personal questions?

Original poster
lill72 · 06/04/2014 22:53

Worra - what do you mean about the sever starvation? I have never, ever had such hunger, which has to be satisfied straight away, else I feel like I will faint. You clearly have not experienced this if you don't understand. It is the most horrible thing.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 06/04/2014 22:54

It will most likely pass. What was wrong with him saying that?

MillyJones · 06/04/2014 22:55

Lill...you mentioned the severe starvation. Think Worra was trying to understand what you meant.

Original poster
lill72 · 06/04/2014 23:01

Nicnacky - when you have been sick for a month and you will most likely have a grim existence for at least another month, if not more, this is the last thing you want to hear. At the moment I look at people on the street and wish for their normal existence, as I live this weird life at the moment which I cannot enjoy. The comment is up with telling a woman with MS to have ginger!!!!

MillyJones - hopefully it makes more sense?

OP posts:
NancyJones · 06/04/2014 23:04

Nicknacky, yes, it did pass not too long after I gave birth. That doesn't really help when you're only 10wks so facing many more months of it ahead.

rockybalboa · 06/04/2014 23:07

They have to say these things. It sucks being told you're overweight by anyone (esp a medical professional and esp when pregnant and feeling like shit) but it is a fact. And this is coming from someone who has had The Talk in my last two pregnancies.

goingmadinthecountry · 06/04/2014 23:08

I see why he had to do it but pointing out weight before building up the right relationship can be very negative. I refused to be weighed during my pregnancies - v overweight - as it's the only way I could have handled appointments. Would have probably not attended all of them otherwise. I feel your pain. It should be handled better.

Custardo · 06/04/2014 23:09

op,

i dont know why you continue to engage with the cunts on this thread.

you are pregnant, being pregnant does weird shit to you

you are also very sensitive

midwife has to mention your weight - this you know, you are sensitive about it clearly - however can't realistically do anything about it

thats about the gist of it, the last thing you need is to be further upset by a cackle of mumsnetters who have about as much sensitivity as a corpse

Nicknacky · 06/04/2014 23:09

But maybe he was trying to make you feel better that it wouldn't last forever? Not everyone has morning sickness to the end, the majority of it does pass by 12 weeks. And what's wrong with suggesting ginger if it might help?

Tbh, I don't think it would have mattered what he said, you obviously don't like his manner.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 06/04/2014 23:12

Also just to point out gestational diabetes doesn't only happen to obese people - that's just offensive, I out it as my family have a history, I lost weight in pregnancy and put on 1 stone and that included a 9 pound baby, most women at my diabetic clinic were slim - if your hungry your hungry, I was ravenous all regnant just couldn't have sugars and loads of carbs, your body is telling you to fuel it

NancyJones · 06/04/2014 23:14

But why mention it if there is zero chance of the OP being able yo do anything about it?
So if a pregnant woman was temporarily in a wheelchair due to breaking both legs in an accident then it would be reasonable and acceptable for the MW to give a talk on how exercise and walking was preferable to sitting in a chair?
If you are suffering from HG and are talked to about your eating habits it is exactly the same thing and equally as ridiculous.

NancyJones · 06/04/2014 23:17

Tbh a decent health professional would not be saying it will pass. They should be listening to you describe how you are feeling and looking for signs that it could be HG and if HG us suspected then referring you for help as early as possible rather than allowing so many women to spiral into despair.

PicandMinx · 06/04/2014 23:30

YANBU. I feel your pain. IMO there is nothing worse than that awful stomach rolling nausea. What you don't need is a supercilious HCP (male or female) sat in their smug uniform pontificating on the benefits of healthy eating. Yep, know all about it thanks, and thanks again Captain Obvious for the "this will pass speech". How long did you do spend on the "empathy course"?

OP, don't bother getting weighed again. Just smile and nod at every appointment.

Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy.

Original poster
lill72 · 06/04/2014 23:46

PicandMinx - could not have said it better myself. Ha.

Nickacky - no, he could have said things differently and it would have been more helpful. I had MS until 20 weeks last time. It is the brushing over of MS and the feeling that we just have to grin and bear it that is so unbearable to me. No one seems to have much sympathy. So 'it will pass' doesnt cut it.

Any woman with MS has tried ginger - I have with very minimal success. It can help a little sometimes, but really again, it just doesn't cut it.

Thanks others for your comments and undersanding - agree custardo!

OP posts:
Newgoldheelsrock · 07/04/2014 07:19

I've been there twice and am onto the third pregnancy.

What got me through the nausea was thinking that I'm pretty sure a foetus does not develop to its full potential digesting the shit that I WANTED to eat, i.e. waffles, chips, crisps, coke.

So I researched....went mental on research actually....forced myself to eat little and often and quickly found things that stayed down - minestrone soup....lots of different soups actually (try Vietnamese soups - amazing) ...porridge...cereal...nuts, yoghurt, and everything as fresh as possible. Even when I felt like dog shit I forced myself to try a bit of everything.

It's a miserable time. And no, smoothies aren't that healthy - far too much sugar, even if it's the natural kind. Check out Jason Vale's site - he has some delicious recipes that are more vegetable based. I liked this one: www.juicemaster.com/recipes/juices/dr-juice

I wouldn't focus on the weight thing, but I do get sad that so many women resign themselves to only eating crap and don't try alternatives. The little human inside you doesn't get a choice as to whether they eat McDonalds and coke.

Dreamer789 · 07/04/2014 08:01

What got me through the nausea was thinking that I'm pretty sure a foetus does not develop to its full potential digesting the shit that I WANTED to eat, i.e. waffles, chips, crisps, coke

That is so true, I have seen loads of my friends eat nothing but junk because apparently that was the only thing that stopped the nausea.

Sometimes the junk is just easier I guess......