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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel offended at midwife making comments about my weight?

165 replies

lill72 · 06/04/2014 19:02

So, I went for my first midwife appointment today. This is my second child.

I am ten weeks and extremely miserable with nausea and severe hunger all the time. I hate food at the moment, though I have to eat all the time. I eat as healthily as I possibly can, but I have been eating a lot and have put on a bit of weight already.

I was always in a normal weight range, but have struggled to get rid of a bit of weight from my last pregnancy, plus now have put on a little weight.

When the (male) midwife took my weight, it was above normal so he went into this whole questioning of why I might be like this and things he has to say about i should be eating healthy food and not eating for two. Ah yes, obviously buddy.

But try telling a pregnant, starving nauseous woman this!!!!!!!! I was just not in the mood to hear this and feel it was rather insensitive to say this. I now they have to say this stuff, but now he has made me super paranoid about my weight and now I feel bad when I eat - which is all time at the moment. I cannot wait for this period of severe starvation to be over - I dread eating.

What do you think?

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 06/04/2014 20:15

MammaTJ that's not what I meant. Do you criticise your patients? Tell them their approach to their condition is wrong? That's what this midwife is having to do, and it's a difficult part of his job.

But it does mean that a woman on the receiving end may well encounter negative thoughts such as "listen mate, you've no idea what I am going through and you never will." She would probably think something similar about a fresh-faced young midwife who looked as if she had never had children, except in that case she'd probably think "Hmmph, wait till it's your turn, love."

All rather unreasonable thoughts of course, but I would say, rather understandable.

Original poster

lill72 · 06/04/2014 20:16

Just to point out - I am not OBESE!!!

I have gone from normal to overweight. Weight has never, ever been a problem for me, so this is all new.

I am eating more right now due to how I am feeling, but I would stress that I am eating healthy foods, as much as I can stomach. ie I am not eating many veggies as I cant stomach them, but can eat salad and can eat fruit particularly in smoothie form with just fruit juice or soya milk or dairy.

He did not really ask me what I was eating at the moment, so I guess I was miffed that he was suggesting I am not eating healthily.

Thanks for all your comments - those who have been through this too - I am sorry you have. It really is a hideous old time.

I am not using this time as an excuse to eat. I cannot stand food at the moment and feel the actual act of eating hideous. I would prefer not to eat at all the way I am feeling, but I have to, to not feel sick and dizzy.

This may be hard for some to understand who have not been through this. Let me tell you, it is horrible to know that you have to eat all the time, but you can't think of anything you can even stomach.

OP posts:

NiceTabard · 06/04/2014 20:16

I really think that telling a woman with extreme nausea to go against what makes her able to function is counter-intuitive.

So the OP takes the advice, she is already eating healthily, so she stops eating when she feels she needs to, ie when she feels faint and sick, and eating something stops her feeling that way.

I also think it is not right that a woman who starts off pregnancy within normal range will be "allowed" to eat as her body tells her when pregnant but a woman who starts off just into the "overweight" range must ignore what her body tells her.

Increased vomiting and dizzy spells possibly fainting are going to be worse for her than eating some sesame snaps surely?

I feel rather sorry for the OP TBH.

whatiftheskyshouldfall · 06/04/2014 20:16

I'd feel the same, OP. YANBU.

NancyJones · 06/04/2014 20:17

HolidayArmadillo, for some women like me, that horrific sickness and inability to stomach anything remotely healthy, was still there at 38wks and didn't ease until the day after giving birth. Lots of women assume that their own horrible MS was so bad that it couldn't get much worse. I have seen women literally live off McD burger, chips and milkshake for 9mths. I don't mean have it regularly, I mean be unable to physically keep anything else down at all. At all! And I was not joking about the coke+Mars bar story either.

Midwives need to be aware that for some women, it really is live on nothing but coke and chips or spend months in hospital. And the not eating for two talk doesn't help when you literally have no choice.

BumPotato · 06/04/2014 20:18

OP from now on, unless you have concerns, don't be weighed. It is a free country, even for pregnant ladies.

All the best for the rest of your pregnancy.

Original poster

lill72 · 06/04/2014 20:22

Thank you for your kind and understanding words - really appreciate them.

OP posts:

Coldlightofday · 06/04/2014 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IamaBreastfeedingTramp · 06/04/2014 20:32

I agree with the suggestions to not get weighed again.

Unless you are actually obese - and I realise you're not - then I don't think he should be going on about it.

Obviously there's no point 'educating' you on healthy eating unless he has first established that you are currently eating unhealthily. Also, not the case.

People love to perceive sexism on mumsnet but would be as quick to accuse you of drip feeding if you had later said he was male.

NiceTabard · 06/04/2014 20:34

I don't remember getting weighed at all while I was pregnant, now I come to think of it.

Is this a new thing? Regional variations? Do I just have a shite memory???

HolidayArmadillo · 06/04/2014 20:36

I know some women will have sickness all the way through and that's why I mentioned in the brackets 'and haven't vomited for months'.

Thing is the midwife has a spiel of stuff to get through, information to get through, why can't we just accept the buts that are relevant to us and dismiss the bits that aren't. Why do we have to be offended or upset?

DreamingOfAFullNightsSleep · 06/04/2014 20:37

I had debilitating nausea and sickness. I lived on salt and vinegar crisps and Mars bars fir about 20 weeks. I'm 5'4 or 5 and weighed 8 St 5 when I got pregnant (with twins for this pregnancy) . I tried toast. I tried cereal. I tried water. It all came back up. I couldn't eat fruit. or vegetables. I'd think I fancied eg burger and chips. dh would make it for me. I wouldn't even be able to have a mouthful. as I was on buccastem, diarolyte (officially except I couldn't face it) & not overweight no one mentioned my god awful diet. Thank goodness as I'd have been gutted.

The male part would annoy me a bit being pg and hormonal as it's not like a tummy bug or anything, it's a grimness all of its own which of course he hasn't experienced. He does have to mention it though to tick the right boxes. just don't be weighed again op and do your best . It WILL end after you have the baby

coffeeinbed · 06/04/2014 20:40

In many countries pregnant women get weighted every time they see their midwife.

GrumpyInYorkshire · 06/04/2014 20:40

I was weighed while pg, and also given carbon monoxide tests at every appt. Think it's regional variations (healthy weight and non smoker so clearly not a personal thing).

coffeeinbed · 06/04/2014 20:43

weighed
sorry

NancyJones · 06/04/2014 20:46

I've lived in various areas whilst pregnant and have never been weighed at any antenatal appointment. Nor have I ever had carbon monoxide testing. Surely you say you're a non smoker of booking and that's it?

NiceTabard · 06/04/2014 20:46

HolidayArmadillo I think some women can get more sensitive when they are pregnant, for a lot of reasons, others again will experience more marked mental health problems such as depression and anxiety (1 in 10 the same as for post-natal MH problems) which can change their reactions to day-to-day events and conversations. Some women just feel very ill, or very tired, and these things can contribute to generally being more sensitive and "touchy". I wouldn't be surprised if there was a hormonal aspect involved with some women as well. These are the sorts of reasons that some women can become offended or upset about things when they are pregnant that they would not otherwise.

NiceTabard · 06/04/2014 20:47

It sounds like a regional thing then. Same as some areas you see HV a few times at home, some areas they have continuous care with midwives etc etc.

CountessOfRule · 06/04/2014 21:23

I think the OP would have had a kinder reception if she'd posted in Pregnancy rather than AIBU.

And I also think she got off lightly. Even those who've said YABU have sympathized and agreed that pregnancy is hard work.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 06/04/2014 21:41

YABU and over sensitive. He was only doing his job and not "going on about it" as another poster said. Being overweight can cause problems in pregnant, yes even 'a little bit'.

TattyDevine · 06/04/2014 21:43

There's a simple way round this.

"Step on the scales please"..

"No, thank you".

Subject closed.

sykadelic · 06/04/2014 21:48

OP I understand what you're saying. You felt attacked because rather than ASK you about your diet or ask you how you're feeling and approach it that way, he made you feel like you were an idiot and only ate tubs of ice-cream all day. Especially as someone who has never had a weight problem before, you were probably feeling more than a little vulnerable.

I'm not pregnant but I am trying to find myself a regular care physician (I don't have one and apparently that's weird). I've only met with one person so far (not including the OB/GYN for girl stuff) and it was horrible. She too told me I was overweight. Gave me blood tests orders to find out why. Told me we need to change my diet... even told me that "in this country we have this thing called weight watchers". ALL without asking about my diet. My problems are many (steroids, sleep disorder, birth control implant, new country/food) but my main problem is I forget to eat. Then when I remember to eat it's either because I'm starving, or because my husband is and reminds me it's meal time. I was so upset and embarrassed. I will never go and see her again and it's been 18 months and I'm nervous to look for a new doc. I will. Thank goodness my OB/GYN is good about it :)

Trills · 06/04/2014 21:53

i should be eating healthy food and not eating for two

You might say "obviously" but for many people this is NOT obvious.

Remember that half the people in the country are of below-average intelligence.

He's only just met you. Better to be on the safe side and make sure you know this information rather than to try to guess whether it is "obvious" to you.

Purplepoodle · 06/04/2014 22:05

Ah just forget about it. Early pregnancy we are all super sensitive and bloody miserable with the tiredness and sickness.

Guess he might have been a little overzealous, perhaps he has seen a few woman gain quite a bit of weight and is trying to offer good advice. Lots of newer mw just see black and white

BumPotato · 06/04/2014 22:09

A good midwife, male or female recognises the above, and acts accordingly.

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