To feel offended at midwife making comments about my weight?

[lill72]

So, I went for my first midwife appointment today. This is my second child.

I am ten weeks and extremely miserable with nausea and severe hunger all the time. I hate food at the moment, though I have to eat all the time. I eat as healthily as I possibly can, but I have been eating a lot and have put on a bit of weight already.

I was always in a normal weight range, but have struggled to get rid of a bit of weight from my last pregnancy, plus now have put on a little weight.

When the (male) midwife took my weight, it was above normal so he went into this whole questioning of why I might be like this and things he has to say about i should be eating healthy food and not eating for two. Ah yes, obviously buddy.

But try telling a pregnant, starving nauseous woman this!!!!!!!! I was just not in the mood to hear this and feel it was rather insensitive to say this. I now they have to say this stuff, but now he has made me super paranoid about my weight and now I feel bad when I eat - which is all time at the moment. I cannot wait for this period of severe starvation to be over - I dread eating.

What do you think?

I've always declined to be weighed. They must be able to see if someone's overweight, but without a number they've never mentioned it.

Whether someone has experienced a disease or not makes no difference to their ability to treat patients with that disease. In the same manner it is not necessary to have been pregnant and delivered a child in order to be able to care for maternity patients.

Being overweight at the start and then putting on more weight than expected in the first trimester are associated with many increased risks for the baby and the mother. He is therefore bound to mention it, ask the questions he did and offer constructive advice.

I see obese patients every month because there's a link between their weight, labour and delivery complications and anaesthetic complications. But I'm female and have had 2 children, so would it be ok coming from me?

Agree that his gender is irrelevant.

So they should only give advice to chavs, people smoking, and people on methodone then? Not naice mothers-to-be?

I'd assume they'd discuss the smoking and the methodone as medical issues just as they'd discuss obesity as a complication of oregnancy.

I am not sure that telling a woman who is pregnant and suffering extreme nausea to ignore what her body tells her about what to eat and when is the right idea.

Telling her to eat stuff she can't keep down, or not to eat when that makes her feel incredibly ill seems counter-intuitive to me.

It's not the same as smoking at all.

The title of this section is "Am I being unreasonable";
We too are only doing our job and telling you what we think
It's all subjective. Not really worth getting too het up about

"You lost me at making the point that the midwife was male. What has that got to do with anything?"

OK then, I'll bloody well say it.

He's no doubt a fantastic midwife, but unless you have been through that awful stage of early pregnancy when all you can do is eat or you feel like utter shit, then you can't really understand it.

Not that all female midwives have necessarily felt like that either.

But until I was eating McDonalds at 11am at 8 weeks pg I never imagined anyone felt like that. Ever.

Or taking drugs.

I think he was just doing his job. But if you don't want a male midwife I think you'd be entitled to ask for a female one. But I don't think the fact that he's male has anything to do with the weight issue.

YANBU. To be perfectly honest I think this current advice about only needing an extra peice of toast a day is really bizzarre. In 5 pregnancies, I've been absolutely starving all the time in those first few months, and can relate to what you say about hating food but needing to eat. It's nothing to do with being greedy.
Yes, you do need to watch your weight because of the risks associated with being obese and pregnant, but I don't think you should be made to feel like you are being greedy, and if your body is telling you it wants food you probably need it.
I've generally found I lose weight quite quickly while breastfeeding, and then have to work quite hard and getting that last extra bit off, but I just see it as part of the process of motherhood. I'm about a stone heavier now than I was before I started having children but still in normal weight range.
I was lucky this time, when I mentioned to my midwife that I had put on more than the recommended amount of weight by a certain point, she downplayed it really, though other people have commented on it.
I think the best way to cope would be to try and make sure what you do eat is as healthy as possible, but I wouldn't leave yourself hungry, which is likely to make you sick and dizzy.

Yes if I was pregnant again I would just refuse to be weighed. Guess what people-fat people know they are fat! They don't need it constantly pointed out to them. Honestly the amount of fat shaming on mn is actually-well,shameful.

He's no doubt a fantastic midwife, but unless you have been through that awful stage of early pregnancy when all you can do is eat or you feel like utter shit, then you can't really understand it.

I am a student nurse. I aim to do end of life, elderly care or care of people with dementia once qualified.

A fat lot of good I would be to my patients if I had to experience the things they are going through in order to care for them properly!

I think you're all being harsh in the op. I had severe hyperemesis in each pregnancy and I lost a stone between week6 and week 13. Then I put on 2 stone before 24wks because literally stuffing my face every 5-10minutes was the only thing stopping me dipping below a certain level where I'd be unable to eat anything and end up back in hospital on a drip.

And those people suggesting healthy food such as bananas. I couldn't look at anything remotely healthy. Stodgy carbs was the only thing I could eat. Washed down with lots of very cold coke. I couldn't stomach water and threw it straight back up.

So whilst I appreciate that a midwife has a job to do, I think where severe MS is concerned its a case of whatever gets you through the night. My consultant was much more understanding and less judgemental and said she'd seen women survive pregnancy literally on coke and mars bars.

Op you have my sympathy!!! I suffered horrific hg for the wwhole of my pregnancy and also extreme starvation in the first few weeks. I am clinically obese and fully aware (although went from. 15st to 12 in first 8 weeks of pregnancy!) but I have to say everyone I dealt with ease very sympathetic and sensitive over the weight issue. I have extreme pcos so I cam eat one lettuce leaf a day and still put on a massive amount of weight so I don't know if that helped!

Yanbu to have been offended, it does sound like he could have been more sensitive about it esp as they ate trained to deal with highly hormonal irrational pregnant women.

He has a duty to point out about the not eating for two crap and they have to tick the boxes to say they have discussed healthy eating with you but they don't have to be intrusive or rude!

Hope your sickness eases soon!! If not see your GP as there are some wonderful drugs available to ease it!! I went through half a dozen til they put me on prochlorprazine which killed the throwing up and most of the nauseous feelings within a couple of days

Good luck and congrats on your pregnancy!!!

Nancy you are so right!! The absolute only things I could keep down up To being about 26 weeks were McDonald's hamburgers and chocolate milkshake - considering I am dairy allergic the milkshake made for some interesting wind issues!

Unfortunately OP no one knows how you feel. I had sickness and nausea for 40+6 (guess when DS was born) and all I could stomach for the longest time was milkshake and plain crisps. I also had that sick-but-starving feeling.

In the end I adopted a mindset o damage limitation an just decided to sort the rest when he was out. I'm a HCP myself though and he had to offer you the advice and make you aware of possible consequences of being overweight. He wasn't judging - promise. Enjoy your pg as best you can the rest will sort itself later.

I have always been in the normal range, now it has gone to overweight. I look normal if you know what I mean - average you could say. Hence why felt I am not in a category to warrant a talking to.

Guess this is why I felt so affronted when these comments were made. Know the guy is just trying to do his job - but think a bit of sensitivity and more probing questions about what I was eating now etc would have been more helpful. I just shut down when he started talking about not eating for two as at the moment I am feeling like crap and as I said starving. Maybe not all the time, but feels like it. For instance yesterday I went out for brunch - had poached eggs and salmon and a smoothie, then had to get another smoothie down the road at another cafe so I could take DD to the park. Was there for a while and started feeling faint and sick so had tp have sesame snaps. I would usually get eggs and salmon with a coffee and that would be it til lunch.

Thanks Hackmum - think you get where I am coming from. Some tact and senstivity to what I am going through at the moment would have been good. There was none of this througout the whole appointment - other than the comment 'it will pass' (nausea) more questions would have been good.

coldlightofday - books say with nausea that to help it you should be eating small bits often. Plus I do feel sick and faint if I dont eat often at the moment - not sure how I am supposed to fight this exactly? yes by trying to choose healthy foods, but are you saying not to give in and eat?Not understanding

I understand what you're saying cold but I felt properly ravenous. Like I'd eat a meal and half an hour later feel what would feel like hungerpangs and dizziness. And so much of the babies development happens in those first few months, it felt kind of right just to give my body what it seemed to need to do its job.
Everyones experience is different I suppose, and I'm not suggesting people should ignore dietary advice and eat what they like, but for me the current advice just seemed really at odds with how I was feeling.

Until 25ish weeks I had server morning sickness all I could stomach was space raiders crisps or chicken super noodles.

I do understand what you are going through.

The MW is only doing his job.

As unfair and judgemental as it seems, YABU. The midwife has a responsibility to tell you of your weight gain is 'above' the average and to advise you on how to keep it on check. It doesn't matter whether the midwife has been through pregnancy before, they are there to advise from a medical perspective and that is all. Whatever was said will have been the guidance that he is responsible for giving you.

It seems that you are very sensitive about this which is why you have taken offence, and I say that in the nicest possible way. I gained far too much weight when pregnant and I felt exactly the same way that you did - so starving and so sick. I really struggled and refused to be told my weight because I knew it would upset me which led the midwives at the hospital to think I was crazy.

Not finding out my weight helped a lot, that way I wasn't focused on what I'd gained and knowing that I couldn't lose it at that time. The midwife I saw each week at my GP surgery was very understanding once I explained my emotional attachment to my weight and she changed the conversation to what I was eating, rather than my weight. I'm sure if you speak to the midwife about how anxious the weight issue makes you then he will have different ways of approaching it with you. After the first tri you will start to feel better and you can be more in control of the times you eat, if you are eating healthily now then you have nothing to worry about.

Pregnancy makes women feel far more vulnerable than they usually do, I didn't realise at the time but looking back there were many situations that bothered me that would have just flown straight past me usually. I'm not saying that you are overreacting but you've taken it very personally when it wasn't meant as a judgement. Weight gain does even itself out, I only gained a stupid amount because I continued to eat like a horse waaaaay after the nausea had left the building. Luckily my baby was very healthy but I'm sure that's because I ate very healthily, I just ate too much.

Congratulations on your pregnancy :)

You've got my sympathy OP I've got morning sickness and I find eating a little often is helping to keep the nausea away. It is difficult as I feel bloody hungry and my stomach actually feels empty. This is so different to my last pregnancy where I could have got by on an extra slice of toast a day.

I think you should just take it easy until 12 weeks and hopefully you'll feel better then and you can try to eat healthier then. I think at this stage it's just a case of getting through it.

Obesity has an impact on pregnancy and labour, it is the midwife's duty to make sure you are aware of this, end of. So many people do use pregnancy as an excuse to indulge (hands up over here as well), or continue with coping mechanisms for much longer than needed (eating anything that will stay down during the morning sickness phase but oops, its now the 38 week mark and I've just had my 3rd maccy d's of the week and I haven't vomited for months). Others of course don't use it as an excuse and maintain healthy eating throughout, the likelihood is those people aren't overweight to start with. If you are overweight then (medical reasons aside) you're either eating too much or eating the wrong kinds of things. Now the midwife has no idea which category you're in, they have so much to do in the appointment, so much information to impart that it's virtually impossible to get to know you well, know what will offend you, what will upset you etc, so the easiest thing to do is stick to facts, no one can argue with facts. So, in summation, eat healthy food, don't eat for two. Looks to me that is what he has done.

He was doing his job.

You are being over sensitive. Fair enough, you are in early pregnancy and feel as rough as a dog.

Reminds me of the time following DD2's birth I was having horrific after pains each time I fed her. Midwife was trying her best to help me, I was refusing any pain relief as I didn't want to be out of it. I asked her how many babies she had had. Answer was 5. I STFU after that.