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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would ibu to tell her she overstepped the line a bit?

83 replies

BasicFish · 05/04/2014 20:02

Quick version. . Husband ( not British) just changed jobs. Received letter from a woman he worked with in this recently-quit job. (His nationality)
Very gushy letter, lots of "everyone else the was horrible, but you are so wise and kind and lovely, you helped me get through my day" type stuff and finished with "come and see me on my home town, I'm waiting for you! !" Plus heart symbols. I see this and think, hmm bit ott!

Tell him he's got a love letter, he's suddenly v pissed off. Says she's the kind who looks writing letters. He always told me they didn't really talk, but from her letter it looks like they were really close. Is he lying or is she a liiitle bit strange? He says they aren't close, and I'm an insecure bitch for bringing it up and he's fed up with me.

OP posts:
Smilesandpiles · 05/04/2014 20:04

I wouldn't worry about it. He's not working there anymore so you'll soon find out if there's something going on or not.

Original poster
BasicFish · 05/04/2014 20:07

Sorry, phone posted too soon. He says it's just her being weird. But it's not unusual in their culture. I tried to explain how British people don't c really do that unless they're close but he thinks I'm lying to make myself look less of an idiot.

Over it with him, but my evil side wants to send her a quick message that writing a letter like that to a married man is pretty disrespectful and it has caused an unnecessary misunderstanding between my husband and I, and she should bear this in mind in the future when dealing with British people.

Please? I know it's a terrible idea but pleeeease??

Grin
OP posts:
puntasticusername · 05/04/2014 20:07

Do you trust your husband?

puntasticusername · 05/04/2014 20:08

X-post. You're right. That'd be a terrible idea. Sorry Wink

Original poster
BasicFish · 05/04/2014 20:10

Well he's lied before saying he's not close to certain women when he was, taking a women for dinner multiple times but telling me he was working. Years ago but clearly still hurts.

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Original poster
BasicFish · 05/04/2014 20:10

Can I do it anyway? I would never send a letter with heart symbols to a married man, I think v that's awful!

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ENormaSnob · 05/04/2014 20:14

How very odd.

Either hes lying or shes a freak...

Whats most likely?

puntasticusername · 05/04/2014 20:23

Hey, you can do what you want, we're only randoms on t'internet you know Grin

Personally, I wouldn't send her anything. Just leave it. It would be pointless and undignified.

Would it help you to write the letter then ritually burn it...?

I think if it were me, I'd be concentrating on how this incident made me feel about my husband and how happy I was with his reaction to it. Perhaps also wondering if I was as well over the previous events as I'd thought...?

Original poster
BasicFish · 05/04/2014 21:07

ENorma Both equally possible perhaps? Sadly.

Puntastic If I dare bring up how past incidents have made me feel he just gets angry with me, calls me names, tells me he's fed up of our relationship. Doesn't really help the anxiety! I know it must be hard for him too in situations like this. I tried to approach it as a joke, thinking if we could laugh about it together I'd instantly feel better but he got so angry that I feel more suspicious not less.

OP posts:
rabbitlady · 05/04/2014 21:10

your problem isn't the woman, its your husband, isn't it?

Original poster
BasicFish · 05/04/2014 21:15

And I'm sorry Mumsnet, I do love you and truly value your opinion but I'm going to do this. Grin

She gave him a lot of food in a massive bag, as she's leaving to go home and can't take it with her. It was actually when I was unpacking this bag of food that I found this letter at the bottom, didn't intend to read but saw all the hearts and thought, wtf??

I will send her a nice, lighthearted message saying a big thank you for all the yummy food, and how I had a surprised moment of seeing the letter covered in hearts and thinking the worst, silly me! (But phrased better, naturally!)

If anyone remembers BintGate..

BintGate thread

Her letter is like a slightly less extreme (but heading in the same direction!) effort, and I'm so sick of people think they can just ride roughshod over people's relationships without thinking about the effect their words and actions will have on other people. Hope it makes her think a little bit at least not likely

I'm actually quite drunk

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Original poster
BasicFish · 05/04/2014 21:18

rabbitlady It is. It totally is. We could have laughed about this. (Not it's nice to laugh at people but the letter is so over the top!) We could have had a giggle and hug and it would all be forgotten. But even though I tried to joke, he got angry, now he's fed up with me, I feel like shit. I should have just been able to laugh this off, but because I dared ask him about it, I have to feel like this. I am such an idiot.

OP posts:
DoJo · 05/04/2014 21:25

Your husband is the problem - you don't trust him because of his past behaviour and it has made you wary of his ability to maintain a professional relationship with another woman. This is understandable, but I don't think addressing this woman is a good idea. Perhaps you could talk to your husband about how it brought up old memories of how he lied before and that you would appreciate it if he could be a bit more considerate of how his actions affect you.

steff13 · 05/04/2014 21:29

Hmm, your husband called you an insecure bitch and an idiot? Shock I say let her have him.

Original poster
BasicFish · 05/04/2014 21:31

DoJo I have tried to approach this with him in the way you said, saying I trust him totally, it just bought up some bad memories and of course there's nothing in this, isn't it a bit funny. And he was instantly angry. I then tried explaining that it may be normal in his culture, and that's ok, but it wasn't normal for me at all and had thrown me a bit, and I was able to laugh about it but the hearts all over it were pretty weird for me. He told me I was lying about it not being normal in my country so I didn't look such a twat Shock Charming.

His anger makes me more anxious, more nervy inside (hiding it on the outside) every time he's texting a woman from working, arranging drinks etc.. I feel horrible. I want to be wth someone I trust 100% but he makes me feel like I'm a loon. Maybe I am. Sad

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 05/04/2014 21:33

Worst idea ever. Don't do it.

You will look insane.

Original poster
BasicFish · 05/04/2014 21:38

Morris Even if I do it nicely? With more emphasis on thanking her for the food? and a small jokey bit on being surprised at the heart and having a little laugh about it?

Sad

I'm just sick of being the sensible one in this relationship, the one who doesn't lie, doesn't betray, doesn't cause pain, I'm so sick of it Sad

Sorry. I know that makes me a not-nice person, but I am so sick of caring about others' feelings and getting trampled over time and time again. I don't want the moral high ground anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore.

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Original poster
BasicFish · 05/04/2014 21:39

Just why, fucking why do people get to do things that hurt me yet I have to be nice, maintain my dignity, act cool, why?? It's too fucking much.

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KittensoftPuppydog · 05/04/2014 21:41

I dont think you'll look insane. Just like you're marking her card.

rabbitlady · 05/04/2014 21:44

i don't think you're an idiot. i think you've got a nasty husband.

MorrisZapp · 05/04/2014 21:46

You need to sort this out with your DH, you know that. He's the one that has hurt you. Sorry you're feeling like this.

Sandytrousers · 05/04/2014 21:49

I want to be wth someone I trust 100% but he makes me feel like I'm a loon.

Here's your problem, love.

A gentleman wouldn't need to make you feel bad to distract from his inappropriate actions.

Sleep in it and when you're sober, have a think about he way you feel about yourself and whether that's how y

Sandytrousers · 05/04/2014 21:50

Sorry!

How you thought marriage would be.

AreYouFeelingLucky · 05/04/2014 21:51

You'll look like a nutter.

And she'll contact him as soon as she gets it, so you'll restart contact between them if there actually isn't any at the moment.

Ignore her, and focus your energy on getting rid of him. He sounds worse than horrid. He doesn't care how you feel, has been totally upfront about that, and belittles you. Why are you staying?

Original poster
BasicFish · 05/04/2014 22:01

Thanks all. It's nothing I haven't thought to myself before!

Why am I staying? Because when he's not pissed off with me he says he loves me, can't survive without me, doesn't look at anyone but me, only wants me, would rather spend time with me than anyone else etc etc.

Makes me feel like it's my fault for winding him up and if i could just keep my mouth shut and get over stuff we'd be fine.

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