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AIBU?

Would ibu to tell her she overstepped the line a bit?

83 replies

BasicFish · 05/04/2014 20:02

Quick version. . Husband ( not British) just changed jobs. Received letter from a woman he worked with in this recently-quit job. (His nationality)
Very gushy letter, lots of "everyone else the was horrible, but you are so wise and kind and lovely, you helped me get through my day" type stuff and finished with "come and see me on my home town, I'm waiting for you! !" Plus heart symbols. I see this and think, hmm bit ott!

Tell him he's got a love letter, he's suddenly v pissed off. Says she's the kind who looks writing letters. He always told me they didn't really talk, but from her letter it looks like they were really close. Is he lying or is she a liiitle bit strange? He says they aren't close, and I'm an insecure bitch for bringing it up and he's fed up with me.

OP posts:

Report

ArtexMonkey · 06/04/2014 01:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 06/04/2014 01:44

Look, you are married to a man who hates women. And he's busy training you to hate women, as well. Otherwise you wouldn't be so determined to attack his work colleague, who may be genuinely over-friendly or may have been fed a load of bullshit by him about how miserable he is in his marriage.

Your H is going to carry on having affairs, and being unpleasant to you every time you catch him out. Do you really want to go on living like this?

BillyBanter · 06/04/2014 01:48

ok, I can understand that he might be feeling quite frustrated and grumpy right now if her message was not encouraged by him and her unsolicited letter is causing arguments between you but the general attitude you describe doesn't sound great, regardless of whatever women are or are not around.

SolidGoldBrass · 06/04/2014 01:51

Hmm, having read your other thread, you seem to have a bit of a fixation on Evil Foreign Husband-Stealing Women. While this is probably due to the fact that you have a misogynist husband who likes to cheat on you, it's not going to do you any good in the long run to blame women for his behaviour.

puntasticusername · 06/04/2014 04:08

Went to bed and came back...

WHAT THEY ALL SAID ^

You're not the problem and you shouldn't be feeling bad. Your husband verbally abuses you and acts in a way that means you can't trust his fidelity. THAT is the problem.

This other woman is likewise not the problem - though FWIW, I'm not sure sending notes like that is really normal in any culture.

All the best to you.

BasicFish · 06/04/2014 10:04

Thank you. I really am taking in what you're all saying and if I was reading this thread about someone else I would be saying exactly the same! The relationship isn't always this bad, but there is very little in the way of emotional support (but he expects me to support him emotionally all the time) which does get really hard.

Anyway. Against all common sense I have emailed her I just said thank you for the food, that we'd had a comedy misunderstanding about the letter and wishing her a lovely happy future. Can only hope that if they have been closer than he's saying (mentioned he'd said he doesn't know her very well) she will tell me (through anger or concern) if it has been something more.
Fully aware I will look like a maniac, and if dh finds out he will be furious, they might text each other laughing at me. . I don't care anymore. I'm sick of being hurt. Sorry for letting you down, mumsnet

OP posts:

BasicFish · 06/04/2014 10:08

Oh, and I would be less worried if he hadn't spent the whole night running to the toilet. . He gets an upset stomach when he's stressed and after I'd talked about how his behaviour may be leading people on his was v quiet and back and forth to the toilet..

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Goblinchild · 06/04/2014 10:15

From the sound of it, you are with a manipulative and emotionally abusive man. How long have you been together, and have you had other, happy relationships to compare this one to?
Yo-Yoing from puppydog to accusations and insults and back again is not the basis for a healthy relationship, and I'd have left a long time ago.

MorrisZapp · 06/04/2014 10:35

Nowt to let down here, you did what you wanted and that's your business.

Be sure to update us!

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 06/04/2014 10:56

Basicfish, I know you said he doesn't take his phone to the loo with him, but my first thought was "he's got another phone".

It's (apparently) really common for cheaters to have two phones so that they can keep their main one completely clear of anything.

Your H is really not a nice person. If you love someone you talk things through with them, you never (and I mean never )call them a bitch.

You know you deserve better than this.

bragmatic · 06/04/2014 11:03

Do you think he deliberately keeps you feeling slightly emotionally vulnerable in order to maintain the 'upper hand' in your relationship?

Tinkerball · 06/04/2014 11:17

Why are you still focusing on her , looking for answers off her instead of your DH?

CountessOfRule · 06/04/2014 11:24

Hope you're feeling a bit better now.

You've said that when he's being nice he tells you how much he needs you, wants you, loves you. Does he ever show it or prove it? Does he ever put the focus on your feelings/wishes rather than his?

It does sound rather like the classic abusive "you're worthless, I hate you, nobody else would put up with you ... don't leave me, I can't do without you" dichotomy that is so baffling.

hackmum · 06/04/2014 11:29

"It's normal in my culture" sounds like a get-out clause for all sorts of dodgy stuff.

Flappingandflying · 06/04/2014 16:12

I think she wanted you to find that letter. After all who gives a load of food in a bag to a married man and not assume that the wife will unpack it. If it was his eyes only she'd have inserted it in work files or documents or left it tucked under his computer. I reckon she's been fluttering for a while, he's been a bit sucked in but actually I think either she made a pass at him and he rebuffed her or he had a snog, felt guilty then rebuffed her. He's a bundle of angrr because she's a stupid, vapid woman and he possibly has done something wrong but not as wrong as he could have done which is why he's cross at you (although think he has said some pretty horrible things that I don't think I could forgive and forget easily) because he could have done more but didn't but can't tell you (because actually what he thinks is that he deserves a rounde of applause and a gold medal) but it's all your fault because magically you are supposed to just know sll of this.

The thing is...it isn't your fault. You have done nothing wrong and that throws his behaviour into even more of a bad light, which makes him feel guilty and thus bad tempered. He does sound a shit though. They could have had a thing but I don't think she'd have written that sort of letter as she'd just have told you straight out. I think she's got a fantasy thing going on in her hesd which appeases his ego. His controlling behaviour is more of an issue than the stupid woman.

BasicFish · 06/04/2014 17:18

I think you're all completely right about it being him not her, I think his attitude is awful to me, and sometimes Iwonder what I've done to make him hate me so much.

Well, last night I sent her a friend request on fb - I thought I was going to have to contact her through fb but found her email address on the letter. So, she's accepted my friend request and is happily liking photos of me and dh together, our kids etc. So I wonder if she's seen my email at all? I tried to phrase it nicely s I'm sure she was just a lovely person but that letter had worried me as he'd told me they didn't really know each other.However I was sure she just wrote those things as part of her being a nice person. Or did I need to worry? No reply from her. .

OP posts:

BasicFish · 06/04/2014 17:21

(Btw not trying to fixate on this woman, just wondering a) how daft I have come across, b) how she'll reply c) how angry dh will be when he finds out)

Also flapping Unfortunately I think that's a very likely scenario

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shewhowines · 06/04/2014 17:24

She's irrelevant. Forget her.

It's your relationship with Dh thats worrying. Big red flags.

quietlysuggests · 06/04/2014 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Laquitar · 06/04/2014 17:32

Did she want you to read the letter and not your h?

Why did she write in English if they are from the same country?

BasicFish · 06/04/2014 18:06

It wasn't in English but I speak their language very well and didn't add anything into the translation, had confirmed that.

Culture is definitely not kissy huggy. Quite cold, affection wise, which dh often cites as the reason why he can't say nice things to me. Interesting isn't it

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SybilRamkin · 06/04/2014 18:40

I try not to say this on MN, but seriously - LTB!

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BirdieWhirlie · 06/04/2014 18:53

Now see, I don't think you've actually taken on board what we've all been saying. I know you SAY you have, but really... not at all. And that's okay - it's your life to live as you see fit - but you asked MN for an opinion and the opinion was fairly unanimous.

You are married to a complete and utter arse. It has quite clearly had a profound affect on you, as your fixation with this woman is unwise and your behaviour very odd. I see that you want quite desperately to displace the blame and anger from him onto her, but you can see that's what you are doing, right? You can see that the problem is him?

Why have you friended her on FB? Why have you sent her an email? Why would you enter into any contact whatsoever with her? It seems like the only reason to do these things is because you think she's the issue. Or possibly you are goading your DH into a reaction?

It's not that you are acting against common sense. It's that you are acting completely against your own best interest.

cjel · 06/04/2014 20:24

If you are going to fiend all his women on fb you are going to drive yourself mad and be very busy.This man is taking the mick and as long as you believe him you won't be treated well.

Millie2011 · 06/04/2014 21:22

Sounds to me like he is belittling you and making you look/feel crazy in an effort to distract you. I think it is fair for you to be suspicious especially considering his past behaviour.

I do however think it is a bad idea for you to contact this woman. Yes people shouldn't behave in appropriately towards people in committed relationships. But I think it is the responsibility of the married person (in this case your husband) to draw the boundaries in their relationship and be clear that this kind of behaviour is not ok. He does not seem to want/care to do this which means either he doesn't feel it is inappropriate (which I think it strange) or he has so little respect for your marriage that he knows it is inappropriate but is carrying on anyway.

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