Would ibu to tell her she overstepped the line a bit?

[BasicFish]

Quick version. . Husband ( not British) just changed jobs. Received letter from a woman he worked with in this recently-quit job. (His nationality)
Very gushy letter, lots of "everyone else the was horrible, but you are so wise and kind and lovely, you helped me get through my day" type stuff and finished with "come and see me on my home town, I'm waiting for you! !" Plus heart symbols. I see this and think, hmm bit ott!

Tell him he's got a love letter, he's suddenly v pissed off. Says she's the kind who looks writing letters. He always told me they didn't really talk, but from her letter it looks like they were really close. Is he lying or is she a liiitle bit strange? He says they aren't close, and I'm an insecure bitch for bringing it up and he's fed up with me.

Ok. I've really messed up haven't I. :( Told dh and he hates me and thinks I'm a complete freak.

He's so nasty to me, I can't cope with this. I mean I know I can be stupid and insecure but I can't cope with this :(

The only mistake you've made is choosing him, and you can just as easily choose not to be with him.

You are not a freak and you are not stupid. He is being horrible to you, and making you feel low. You will feel so much better without him!

Can you talk to someone in RL? You need some support! And I know you'll get it, because this is REALLY not your fault.

You are definitely not stupid and I think you have every reason to be insecure it is a very reasonable reaction to the way you are being treated. OK so contacting her wasn't a good idea but your H reaction is horrid. He should be helping you understand that you have nothing to be insecure about, yet he turns on you and has no thought for your feeling at all.

Do you think you are in a position to understand that he is not a good man, that your life will become much more as it should be if you are no longer with him?

Sorry you are being treated this way but it is only you that is allowing it and only you that can stop it.
I agree with Birdie, get some support in RL.

You shouldn't have contacted her, but your DH's reaction says it all.

There is no excuse for him to be so nasty to you. Even if he didn't agree with what you did, he should be able to understand why you did it, and he should be reassuring you.

He has no respect for you at all. Respect yourself and refuse to be treated like this. If that means leaving him, then you have no choice.

So you sent an email to her and she accepted you as a friend on FB and hasn't behaved in anyway nastily or confrontational since you did this.

You told your H and he is behaving viley towards you. See the difference in behaviour? Why would he do that? (That was rhetorical. There are numerous reasons. None of them good).

Playing one woman off against another. A great trick of misogynists.

And you needn't have contacted the other woman to find if there was a problem with your marriage. I think this thread has been pretty unanimous on that score.

Hi, just wanted to update, and ask for a bit of advice really. Things have calmed down a lot since the weekend. I got an email back from his ex-colleague, very apologetic and gushy but kind of utterly missing the point. She said a bloody lot that H was a total family man, clearly loved his wife and kids and talked about us at the office. And she'd never ever feel that way about him and sorry for upsetting me.

H has calmed down and says he now appreciates that while what I did was surprising, he actually thinks it quite funny Er, Jekyll and Hyde then.

The problem I have is that during the argument on Sunday (where I told him I'd sent the email) he said some horrible things (as usual), and when he'd finally calmed down some hours later we kind of avoided each other, and to be honest I feel like I'm still avoiding him. He thinks that as all the insults were said in anger that I should understand he doesn't mean them I think even in anger they are horrible words to say and they really hurt. I mean, if you really loved someone, would you really be able to shout that they're an idiot or they disgust you? He's given a half hearted apology, but since then we're just kind of distant. Talking about everyday stuff but no hugging, v little eye contact. I usually thaw first as I hate there being an atmosphere, but I don't know how to make him realise that all this needs to stop. Maybe he hasn't even noticed the distance?? I don't just want to ignore this and have it happen again.. Can I even make him realise?

Oops, missed the later posts.

Birdie, Cjel, Shewho - thank you. I know I must sound like I'm not listening, but thank you, this is all going in. It's helping me feel stronger.

Scallops It's a head-fuck isn't it

He's being a total dick. Still

Yes, you should both apologise fully and wholeheartedly for anything really bad that was said in the heat of the moment.

It sounds as if what he's doing now is withdrawing, so that you will go running to make up the distance between you. Sounds as if you've both played out this pattern of behaviour before. Are you sure you want to do that?