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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would ibu to tell her she overstepped the line a bit?

83 replies

BasicFish · 05/04/2014 20:02

Quick version. . Husband ( not British) just changed jobs. Received letter from a woman he worked with in this recently-quit job. (His nationality)
Very gushy letter, lots of "everyone else the was horrible, but you are so wise and kind and lovely, you helped me get through my day" type stuff and finished with "come and see me on my home town, I'm waiting for you! !" Plus heart symbols. I see this and think, hmm bit ott!

Tell him he's got a love letter, he's suddenly v pissed off. Says she's the kind who looks writing letters. He always told me they didn't really talk, but from her letter it looks like they were really close. Is he lying or is she a liiitle bit strange? He says they aren't close, and I'm an insecure bitch for bringing it up and he's fed up with me.

OP posts:
Oldraver · 05/04/2014 22:05

Your main problem is him getting all defensive and saying you're an insecure bitch and he's fed up with you. You seem to be concentrating your ire on her.

Original poster
BasicFish · 05/04/2014 22:10

I mean she's written,

"I'll never forget the times and fun we had together, at work, those times on the bus (winky face) haha!! and outside work, I hope we can be friends forever!!"

I mean, this is someone he worked with for a few months and by his account didn't really talk to much and didn't have any feelings towards either way. Which one is lying? I'm asking mumsnet as I clearly can't invoke his rage by asking him, and he's just said he doesn't know why she wrote all that. One of them is lying, or crazy.

I think part of me wanting to send her a message is about letting him know that if he is thinking of having these weird "relationships" again that I'll not just sit at home and cry.. Stupid isn't it.

OP posts:
DoJo · 05/04/2014 22:49

Why am I staying? Because when he's not pissed off with me he says he loves me, can't survive without me, doesn't look at anyone but me, only wants me, would rather spend time with me than anyone else etc etc.

There's your problem - he's saying it, which is easy enough when things are going well, but does he ever actually demonstrate this with his actions? Calling you a bitch and accusing you of lying? Not even trying to understand why this situation might make you feel uncomfortable? Getting angry with you instead of doing anything he can to make you feel secure?

The time to say that he only has eyes for you is when you are expressing your worries about another woman's intentions, and if he can't even manage that then he doesn't deserve you.

Do you think it's even worth bringing it up again with him? You can't write a letter to every woman he is ever going to encounter, you need to be able to trust him and if he gets angry instead of reassuring you that doesn't sound like he is even prepared to try. You deserve better.

DoJo · 05/04/2014 22:51

Makes me feel like it's my fault for winding him up and if i could just keep my mouth shut and get over stuff we'd be fine.

This is so sad - is that really what you want for your life? To spend it with someone who wants you to put up with whatever he says or does just so that you don't end up walking on eggshells the whole time? Please think about changing things, whether that's counselling, separation or just leaving full stop. If a friend was being treated the way you are by the person who is supposed to love them most in the world, what would you recommend?

Poughle · 05/04/2014 23:01

How would he react if you treated him the way he treats you?

Original poster
BasicFish · 05/04/2014 23:09

DoJo Thank you so much Thanks I can't let myself feel it's all his fault, if I was more forgiving, less insecure etc we'd probably be fine. Maybe it is my fault for not letting go, but I've explained a thousand times when I feel anxious, I just need a hug, a joke, something to break the tension. He's told me flat out he doesn't have the emotional capacity to do that for me, and I have to sort it out on my own and not expect anything from him. Anyway he's not done anything wrong so why should he have to listen to be being insecure? (

OP posts:
MojitoMadness · 05/04/2014 23:15

It's your husband that's the problem not this woman. She's only behaving this way because of the way he's encouraged her and flirted with her whist he worked there. The fact that he rubbishes what you say and makes you out to be insecure is a red flag IMO, he's putting the problem back on your shoulders when he's the one who caused it.

OddFodd · 05/04/2014 23:15

Men who behave like married men don't get letters like this. It's not her, it's not you, it's him.

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 05/04/2014 23:18

Sounds so like the ott style of some Argentine friends I have!

Dying to know their nationality...

Brits are very much the other end of the spectrum...

Brakeover · 05/04/2014 23:18

Well you can get close to people at work, and , make or female, they can inspire you and make you feel gushy and grateful occasionally so I don't think you should worry too much about this being a romantic interest .

WhataMistakeaToMakea · 05/04/2014 23:20

My thought would be that it's him lying. Why would she have written they have spent time together when they haven't? If he has to lie about it then he knew it would not be ok with you, which is even more reason why he shouldn't have done it and then lied.

He sounds like my ex - very clever at turning things round to being my fault for accusing him / invading his privacy (when he felt guilty) to distract me from talking about what he'd done. It's clever and had me doubting myself lots of times.

It's best not to contact her - but I would definately have text her telling her to watch her lovey dovey messages to my husband in future

Original poster
BasicFish · 05/04/2014 23:34

OddFodd

That's what I'm afraid of. It's not the 1st time i've seen texts with hearts on, texts thanking him for doing things I never knew he did.. The worst of that was a few years ago, but has anything really changed?

Or cold it be that she's just a nother in a long line of slightly ott, unthinking person??

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 05/04/2014 23:43

I'd stop focusing on her and focus on your husband. He's the issue. Not her.

BillyBanter · 05/04/2014 23:49

When the counsellor said shout that he is a bully and walk away did she say to walk back at any point because I think that might be where you are going wrong.

Walk away and keep walking.

3boys3dogshelp · 06/04/2014 00:01

My OH works with almost entirely women and has done for the last 15 years. He has never, ever got a letter like that. He is friendly, helps work friends, puts himself out etc but none of them would dream of sending a letter like that (to your house as well!! did she want you to see it?) because he is MARRIED. end of story, not up for discussion.
he once had a slightly crazy client who was very grateful send him a soppy card and just like you said up thread we laughed about it because it was ridiculous. I'm really sorry but he is the problem here. What has he been saying to her about you to make her think that is acceptable behaviour towards your husband. Please don't apologise to him again, as far as I can see you've done nothing wrong.
FWIW I wouldn't send the letter either.
hope you're ok.

ArtexMonkey · 06/04/2014 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BirdieWhirlie · 06/04/2014 00:11

Your problem isn't this woman. Your problem is that your DH is a twat. He's a bully who self-declares himself emotionally incapable of being a decent human being. You very clearly need to leave this man. When you do, you will suddenly discover that you are not insecure. You are suspicious for a reason; it's a logical and reasonable response to his lies and his insults.

It ain't you, OP, and it's not her. It's him.

BillyBanter · 06/04/2014 00:21

There are people in the world who are a bit gushy and enthusiastic. And there are people in the world who get crushes on married people and behave inappropriately. She may be one of these or she may not. Whether she is or not does not change the fact your DH's behaviour towards you is horrible.

DoJo · 06/04/2014 00:23

Bullshit that he doesn't have the emotional capacity for that! He has the fucking emotional capacity to inspire letters with hearts and winky faces on them from women that he is supposed to be dealing with in a professional capacity, and he can't muster up a little reassurance for his wife?

And as for not expecting anything from him - do you really think that is normal? For life partners to live in separate little bubbles looking after their own emotional needs without so much as a smile and a thumbs up from someone who is suppose to value their happiness above everything else?!

I saw a complete stranger crying in some loos the other day and asked if she was ok, offered to get her a drink of water and made sure she had someone there to look after her - it sounds like he wouldn't even do that for the person he claims to love (when it suits him), and you think you're the one who needs to manage their expectations?

He really doesn't deserve the effort you have made to accommodate his lying, what sounds like a borderline affair if not a full blown one and the fact that somehow he is still making you feel as though this is YOUR fault. He really has done a number on your self esteem if you think that there is any way that you could behave that would make him be the person you want him to be. He isn't, and he will never be the man you deserve.

You gave him another chance after he lied to you and hurt you, and he should be thanking every deity going that you did, not accusing you of being an insecure bitch and telling you you're mental. Please don't let him get away with it any more - there could be someone lovely out there who would treat you like an equal, make you feel secure and happy and love you properly, and you are wasting your life on this twit who takes you for granted and can't see how lucky he is.

Original poster
BasicFish · 06/04/2014 00:26

Yeah, I think the issues are quite separate but one is triggered by the other so it gets hard to know what's what.

I really want to send her a text asking if my marriage is ok, has he mentioned being unhappy as he never really mentioned being close to her but from the letter they clearly had a great relationship and they care about each other very much. . But that's ridiculous. She'll either be mortified, angry or confused so no point. But Iwill send her a message of some kind. Not ranty. Like I said. Tired of always doing the right thing.

OP posts:
DoJo · 06/04/2014 01:08

You poor thing - it sounds like you have spent so long being told that you are the one with the problem that you have started to believe it. It really isn't you, none of it. Whatever issues you have are with him, whether you can see it or not. A relationship that makes you feel like this isn't ok, no matter what some random woman tells you, and although I can completely understand why you want to confront her about this, it won't stop him from being a twat. It doesn't matter what she says, he still doesn't value or respect you. I really hope you find the strength to see that you deserve better than having to ask some stranger if your marriage is in trouble.

Original poster
BasicFish · 06/04/2014 01:20

Thanks Dojo Thanks that is actually really lovely to hear, in a sad way.

I've told him calmly that he may be being friendly with the best intentions, but for this to happen again, maybe he's unintentionally putting something out there that
people pick up on.

He denies this. Says she's just stupid. I overheard him having a brief (work related) phone call with her and he actually sounded quite. . Not grumpy, but pretty distant with her. Definitely wasn't a lovely snugly giggly or even friendly conversation on his part iyswim.

He's v quiet now, numerous trips to the loo.. is he feeling nervous about something? ?

massively overthinks

OP posts:
Original poster
BasicFish · 06/04/2014 01:21

Sorry, that conversation on the phone with her was after he'd read the letter, but before I'd seen the letter.

OP posts:
ArtexMonkey · 06/04/2014 01:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BasicFish · 06/04/2014 01:33

He is not. Generally not really attached to it. Doesn't even take it out when he smokes. He hasn't apologised for anything he said to me. He has tried to understand my point of view and seems to have shifted his annoyance to her, calling her stupid and saying he wasn't happy about her letter, it was unwanted nonsense that's caused us problems. But he's really quiet/grumpy. I actually walked out of the house for 2 hours when he called me a liar and an idiot. I think he knows this has shaken my trust.. Our rather, his reaction has shaken it.

OP posts:
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