To want to tell this mum how devastated our 6 year old is

[BuntCadger]

My ds2 has high functioning autism. he's very affectionate and kind but often plays on his own but is very attached to a couple of kids. These children came to his party (whole class invited) and it was clear that they all got on well. One little boy, I'll call him harry, told ds2 he was invited to his party. no invite was ever received and we invited harry over to play which was declined by text saying "thanks but can we just leave it for now".

School have called to say ds2 inconsolable repeating it's too late it's too late. It appears harry had his party and he and other children have told ds2. This might seem minor but for ds2 it's a big big deal. He doesn't have play dates etc like other kids. He can only manage school part time and is being statemented. He Isn't naughty, he isn't a bad influence, he isn't violent, he simply cannot cope with the anxiety he feels and sensory processing issues.

I feel like I want to tell this parent and anyone else this as it simply isn't fair that they exclude him for being different

[Aeroflotgirl]

I am peachy, I would have pushed that idiot mum if her 3 inch stilettos. Gish peachy your ds old mainstream sounds god awful

[WireCat]

My son has ASD. He also doesn't get party invites.

[captainbarnacle]

I don't expect my children to be invited to every party. Yes it did hurt in reception when DS1 wasn't invited to the part of a girl in his class whom he thought was his best friend. But I internalised that disappointment, I sent the little girl a present the following week, I never spoke to the parent about it. I would expect parents of children who weren't invited to our parties to do the same. I would be shocked to receive such an entitled text message as you sent.

[PrincessScrumpy]

I dread things like this. Dd had a party a couple of months ago and she invited 20 kids - I let her choose who. There is a girl in her class with terrible allergies who carries an epi pen. Dd didn't invite her - I did ask dd if she wanted to but she didn't and said they don't play together.
Her mum spoke to me after saying her dd was upset but we didn't leave her out because of her problem. I'm first aid and epi pen trained. I think the mum believed me but I got their impression it's happened a lot. It could be innocent. I would talk to the mum, especially about the play date.

[WorraLiberty]

That was a nice reply you got OP...she seems like a nice woman.

[BuntCadger]

entitled? um I think you are deliberately trying to get a response from the tone of your replies. you can try but it's not going to happen. If you wish to read my text in that way then that is your choice and your perceptions but certainly I will not lay claim to those intentions

[BuntCadger]

worral. It was a nice reply.

[gamerchick]

why would you send a kid a present when your kid hasn't been invited?

If your kid NEVER gets invited but you send a present anyway.. well i'm pretty sure it'll make you look like a passive aggressive loon.

[SallyMcgally]

Bunt You're right - it wasn't an entitled text at all.

[ll31]

I understand his and your upset but really I would not have sent text . Its not obv to me that anything happened other than kid telling everyone they'll be invited to party and then only a few being invited, as happens.. At that age I wouldn't think there is any deliberate meanness about it. Its one of those things you try and teach your child about.

If id got your text id have been hugely embarrassed... dont know what good you thought text would do.

Also have doubts about teacher if she or he is telling you other parents are unfair and nean.

[SallyMcgally]

Peachy for you too - people can be so awful.

[BuntCadger]

gamerchick you've lost me

[NearTheWindymill]

These are the party rules. I said so:

The whole class
All the boys
All the girls
or no more than 5 (the closest circle of friends)

[captainbarnacle]

Sorry but are other parents supposed to invite your child out of pity because they don't get invited to many parties? I am not trying to rile or fabricate a response. I really really don't get this attitude that All Kids Should Always Be Included. It's patronising.

[formerbabe]

I don't think all kids should necessarily be invited but I think inviting a whole class and excluding one child is plain nasty.

[PeachyTheSanctiMoanyArse]

Aeroflot indeed it was.

Which is why I am more than happy to cope with 4 different, but good and caring, schools each morning (even if I do need a spreadsheet for different uniforms!)

[Bonsoir]

DD's best friend is German and her mother goes by the (German, according to her) rule that a child invites as many DC as their age for each party ie 5 DC for their fifth birthday, 10 DC for their tenth birthday etc.

[gamerchick]

Sorry, it was in reply to someone elses comment :)

I'm glad you sent a text.. although if it was a full class party and he was the only one not invited then I'll struggle to believe it. you'll know if she avoids you for the foreseeable.

[captainbarnacle]

Gamer chick is talking to me. DS wanted to give his friend the Ben10 torch he had chosen for her - you don't just give a gift at a party - you can give a gift on the occasion of a birthday.

[WooWooOwl]

Unfortunately I've seen this from the other side too. My friends ds was in a class with a child who has autism, my ds was at pre school with them both too.

The child who had autism took a particular liking to my friends son, and thought they were best friends. My friends son didn't mind when they were younger, and it was fairly easy for the school to manage when they were still in reception and ks1, but by the time they were in Y3, my friends son was regularly coming out of school upset because the other boy wouldn't leave him alone, and would ask repetitive questions constantly which prevented my friends son from playing with his other friends. He found it very frustrating and suffocating, and it led to him being very unhappy at school.

My friend really did try hard to be understanding and to get her ds to be the same, but in the end the whole situation became so detrimental that my friend had to remove her child from the school. She had no complaints about the way the school handled it, she believes they did everything they could, but eventually something had to give. It was very sad for both families.

[everythingiknow]

Well said, FormerBabe

[littlemrssleepy]

I feel really sorry for your little boy, that must be horrible. However a lot of what people are saying scares the hell out of me - I work and so only do the school pick up twice a week. My ds started the school not knowing anyone (we had just moved) and therefore a lot of the mums and dads already knew each other. Everyone quite nice and happy to have a little chat in the playground, but only being there twice a week I still don't know 75% of the parents - not helped by it being a two form entry and the classes are mixed up, so the kids in his class now weren't necessarily in reception. Christ, I just ask my son to give me a list of kids up to the maximum number. I have no idea what some of the kids he has invited are like, or indeed what the ones he hasn't invited are like. I like the parties as it gives me a chance to have a longer chat with some of the parents if they stay. I'd be horrified if other parents were put out or unknowingly slagging me off for not inviting their kids!

[Sometimesbrunette]

Awww. I'm so sorry for your DS. I remember this when I was growing up, it's horrible.

I'm only pregnant so not a parent yet so I can't really offer advice. It's mean of the parents though. I've just made a mental note if we do all class parties for our little one, then I'll be making damn sure everyone is invited. That's what my mum used to do and would take me somewhere nice when I didn't get invited to parties. I reckon be the bigger person and perhaps they will realise the error of their ways.

[SallyMcgally]

littlemrssleepy So long as your maximum number isn't the whole class except one or two, or all the boys/ girls except one or two, then you'll be fine.

[captainbarnacle]

It isn't 'mean' of them. As littlemrssleepy says, many parents just get their kids to write a list of those invited. Many parties have maximum numbers. Parents are not mean or nasty or tossers for not inviting your child. They are human.