To be upset about being uninvited for being pregnant!

[WeddingNightmare123]

Ok I've name changed and it's a wedding one folks.

Late last year a very good, lifelong friend of my DH's announces that he has booked his wedding this summer in a Mediterranean holiday destination. We booked straight away, flights, hotel and MIL booked a week off work to look after our DC's. All good and looking forward to it.

I recently found out that I'm unexpectedly pregnant, not planned, bit of a shock but happy about it. At the weekend DH went out for a few drinks with his friend and happened to tell him that I'm 9 weeks pregnant. All appeared well and his friend congratulated him and seemed pleased, he was joking about DH having to put up with all the sleepless nights again.

On Monday night DH got a phone call from his friend basically saying that he didn't want to fall out with him but they (friend and his wife-to-be) think that it's best that I don't attend the wedding. He went on to explain that her sister had a failed 2nd attempt at IVF in February and they think my being there will be far too upsetting for her sister and bil and will spoil the day. DH said he understood but had paid out money we could ill afford and probably wouldn't get it back. His friend said that we should still come and I could spend the day sightseeing whilst DH goes to the wedding! We are all staying in the same hotel so she'll see me anyway!

We have booked this at the expense of a family holiday this year. I don't want to be hanging around on my own sodding sightseeing at bloody 29 weeks pregnant, I would far rather be on holiday with kids or getting the the pram and car seat that we need for this baby. I'm really bloody angry about it, DH thinks I'm being a bitch and should be more understanding. I really can't see his point at all and we aren't speaking.

So please, if you have got this far give me some perspective. AIBU and should I just suck it up?

I do hope so, for their sake.

So, your DH's friend thinks that it's more important to put friends' feelings first, before spouses' feelings. I wonder if his bride-to-be knows this?

Please send Bear's text!!!

You could preface my first suggestion with:-

''I'm sorry you feel I have come between you and DH but that really wasn't my intention.'

The use of 'I' in the first bit and ''we' in the second bit shows where your DH's priorities lie.

You'd come out of it with the upper hand, without being rude or confrontational and they might just question their logic and realise what absolute fuckwits they are being.

I hope there is a rash of pregnancies amongst their guests in the run up to the wedding. Love to see them deal with that.

Yy, commending them on how.noble they are to put their sisters hardship ahead of their own ttc plans.

Fuckers.

Just read the whole thread amazed at the bride and groom.

I cringe a bit now thatwe had a child free wedding (only two friends with children at the time) as we had had three failed IVF attempts, were taking a six month break and then trying again after the honeymoon. We just wanted one day not thinking about it.

Served us right because three other friends were very visibly pregnant and the master of ceremonies went on and on about the wedding cake being a fertility symbol and that the potter patter of tiny feet would be imminent if we ate it together. Those guests in the know were visibly wincing at that.

I do have some sympathy about the DSis dreading being around pregnant people and babies, but this is ludicrous.

OP I hope your friends come round, but an amazingly dignified approach from both of you.

Wow, I have just caught up on this thread. The bride and groom are bonkers, the uninviting is bad enough but the conversation and text afterwards are awful.

I find the heavy use of the word "mate" in all this quite fascinating (yes I am spectacularly missing the point in order to go off on a nerdy linguistic tangent)

I might be wrong but I get the impression that the OP, OP's husband and the couple getting married are all middle class. The use of the word "mate" by middle class men is so sort of morally loaded. It is like a kind of verbal extortion weapon.

It is often used by middle class men to their small sons in a way that I think is directly derived from this ("come on, mate" to a little kid who is refusing to get in his car seat is the chappish way of him distancing himself from the more blatantly authoritarian ways of his own father, while simultaneously physically forcing him in and reinforcing that the kid doesn't have a choice)

By "this" I mean middle class men addressing each other as "mate" and referring to each other as "mates" to extort an obligation - perhaps referencing some vague notion of working class solidarity? Or an idea of a lurking potential if necessary to get "heavy" - all stuff that middle class men think of as vaguely the domain of the noble, physical, direct, working classes

I agree, allhail; the word 'mate' can be very loaded and I wouldn't mind betting that the 'extortion' sense is the sense in which it's being used here.

That's a good tangent, allhail. I had noticed the way some dads, 'mate' their kids but I hadn't drawn a conclusion. Interesting....

Oh good, not out on this limb all by myself then!

Of course the other thing - perhaps the most important thing - about "mate" is the maleness - used between males - so used by people who subconsciously think that male = authority, to bolster the authority of what they are saying

Hackmum - I think you are right too, they've identified a problem, and come up with what they see as the perfect solution, they've not told the groom's friend he cant come anymore, and they know he and his wife (the OP) have paid out for flights, so think it would be rude to say not to come at all, and have this perfect solution, the Groom's friend and wife still get to have their holiday, just she has to entertain herself for the day.

I bet they said "oh of course if it was a group holiday and you want to go off doing something on your own for the day, I'd be happy to entertain myself for one day, noone would mind that." without thinking there's a world of difference between your DH saying "I'd like to go play golf/mountain biking/fishing for one day of our holiday, are you OK being onyour own for a day?" and uninviting someone to a wedding!

Please send bear's text!

You could add: "After my {Dad/Nan/Grandad} died, I banned all elderly people from my line of vision so I do understand what you're going through."

OP - whatever the withdrawal of the invitation has cost you, you can make a claim via the small claims court to claim that back. I think you have a VERY strong case.

(please do, please do and start a thread about how you get on )

[devil's advocate] I doubt you could, because the outlay was for the flight and the hotel rather than a ticket to the actual wedding, and the OP has not been disbarred from using the flight and the hotel that she has paid for.

I wonder what is going to happen if The Zillas get pregnant before the SIL, or when the SIL does become pregnant and someone turns round and does this to her

You could add: "After my {Dad/Nan/Grandad} died, I banned all elderly people from my line of vision so I do understand what you're going through."
I love this!
OP you certainly could have fun with texts, even if you don't actually send them

They are being very oversensitive. The woman who's had IVF will see pregnancies everywhere. You do when you're trying to get pregnant. Not sure what to suggest.

This sort of thing makes me so cross. How ridiculous. Having had four rounds of IVF, two MCs and eventually, thankfully, two children, I feel qualified to say they are all being utterly ridiculous. You can't begrudge anyone their luck as you don't know how they came by it - your story is a case in point OP. PM me your address and I'll pop one of those little electric handheld fans in the post for you. Will make your holiday more comfy :) hope the hotel does nice pregnancy massages! And just think how nice floating in the pool/sea will feel. I went to a spa at 37 weeks and oh my word the relief to my back when I got into the water was amazing!

allhail that's quite interesting as I suppose you could call us that. All university educated and have professional jobs. I don't really like that term at all, I find it patronising (even when I hear DH using it)! It may be that I'm northern and growing up, it wasn't a term that people around me used very much.

Am joining the "mates" tangent. Is it similar to middle class men going all cockney with cab drivers?

Joining in the 'mates' tangent, i am working class (well arriviste/new money i suppose) and uni educated and was 'professional' but we all use the term mate quite comfortably, it's completely normal to us. However, there is a point when these terms of endearment can become hostile, specifically in a disagreement. i have seen and many arguments start with 'look MATE...' or 'the thing is LOVE..' 'Hey PAL...' etc. The emotive/affectionate connotations it carries are there to wrong foot the other person imo.

Aw this is horrible! Dh is obviously just thinking of his own situation and being selfish! Tbh, considering you can't get the money back or have another holiday, I'd probably still go and make the most of the holiday while completely ignoring the wedding party... Cos I'm pig headed like that anyway!

So interesting about the passive aggressive use of mate, pal, love etc...