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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my DS aged 3 to wake up in my house on his birthday?

153 replies

youbethemummylion · 03/04/2014 07:40

We are very lucky in that every other weekend ish (depending in other commitments) the PILS have DS1 and 2 to stay from Friday after school to Sunday morning. In the Easter hols me and DH have all the school hols covered except for the Thursday before Good Friday. PILS generously offered to have the kids from Thursday morning through to Monday morning and would take them to the caravan for a little holiday.

All great except Monday is DS2s birthday. I said I didnt want to not see DS2 until the afternoon on his birthday and that we would drive down to caravan on Sunday afternoon/evening to bring kids home so he will wake up here for his birthday. MIL is very annoyed about this saying we have ruined their holiday and now there is no point in going at all and they will just stay home.
AIBU?

OP posts:
betty10k · 03/04/2014 10:20

because that's when he will be most excited

somersethouse · 03/04/2014 10:24

YABVVU and a Little bit odd.

I agree with petalunicorn in that the grandparents are co parenting here. They do an EMORMOUS amount for childcare, not for work reasons, just because...

Then you decide you are going to make a fuss about a birthday morning for a 3 year old when the GP's have taken them on holiday and you are seeing them later that day?

You can't have it both ways. You need to be a bit more hands on as parents in my opinión.

The question of 'AIBU to want to see my 3 yr old on his bday morning' is a red herring here when you consider the outsourcing you do every other weekend and holidays.

Original poster
youbethemummylion · 03/04/2014 10:30

Where did I say they go in the holidays? Me and DH and a childminder cover holidays I have never asked PILs to do any childcare I didnt even ask them about this Thursday in question they offered! The childminder only does hols I am here everyday when they get in from school as only work part time.

OP posts:
OwlCapone · 03/04/2014 10:34

YABVVU and a Little bit odd.

Wanting to be there when your child wakes up on their birthday is "very very" unreasonable and odd? Personally, I think you'd have to be very odd not to be bothered.

mrsjay · 03/04/2014 10:36

well if they go every other weekend it must coincide with holidays and they are taking them away for this holiday , you must have mentioned you were needing them to babysit, you need to stop these grandparents having them so much if it isn't suiting you the maybe reason the grandmother is objecting is she is so used to having them every other weekend and sees them as part of her routine and life, you and your husband have allowed them to act like this, I do think she is having a tantrum about this holiday but this has been the set up for years she gets the children as and when ,

Contrarian78 · 03/04/2014 10:37

I have a mate who recently separated from his wife. Everyone involved has agreed that his parents will have the daughter every third weekend. In actual fact though the GPs have her more often (cover holidays, sickness, nights out- when it's not their weekend).

In effect, the GPs see more of the child (especially quality time) than either of the parents (who both get to live their own lives). Last week, was #Mothering Sunday and it fell on the GPs weekend. My pal#s STBXW accepted it as that was the arrangement, and although she'd have preferred to have to daughter with her, she marches to the beat of the GPs drum. I should point out though that the GPs are the most reasonable people you'd ever meet.

Either start parenting your own kids, or roll with it.

merrymouse · 03/04/2014 10:38

You are the mother. You can decide what your DS does. You cannot control your MIL's emotions or actions.

Equally, she is able to withdraw childcare. (Although it doesn't sound as though this would bother you).

It would seem that the friendliest thing would be to arrange things so you can all spend your DS's birthday together, wherever he wakes up. Can you not stay somewhere near the caravan or invite your PIL back with you?

Original poster
youbethemummylion · 03/04/2014 10:39

they do an enormous amount of childcare not for work just because

Yes because they want to and if we dont take them at anypoint for whatever reason they throw a strop and request their time back another time!!!! This is not for our benefit at all!

OP posts:
2plus1plus1 · 03/04/2014 10:39

Goodness sounds like custody arrangements with demands coming from the grandparents. I would put a stop to that... Especially since your DH thinks they are trying to make a point re:birthdays.

They are your children and it's perfectly reasonable to want YOUR DS to be with you on his birthday.

I certainly won't be changing my mind after your MIL threw her toys out the pram....cutting her nose I think.

2plus1plus1 · 03/04/2014 10:41

Don't back down here-you'll set the tone for the next time (and the next time.....) they want the children at same time as you.

cestlavielife · 03/04/2014 10:42

why cant you just go stay in the caravan too? from the Friday? have a nice weekend altogether?

RoaringTiger · 03/04/2014 10:43

they do an enormous amount of childcare not for work just because

Yes because they want to and if we dont take them at anypoint for whatever reason they throw a strop and request their time back another time!!!! This is not for our benefit at all!

This is the only point in which you are being unreasonable. If you don't want them to stay every weekend you need to say no, and you need to deal with the tantrum no matter how bad it is. You are their parents but by succumbing to allow the grandparents to have them so much you are enabling her to act this way. You need to re-establish boundaries and cut down the amount of time the children stay.

LucilleBluth · 03/04/2014 10:45

I am almost always on the side of the MIL.....I hate mil bashing with a passion BUY in this case you have to put your foot down now. Their childhood will be over in the blink of an eye and you will have missed half of it. Weekends are family time, yes, maybe a visit to pils for dinner every other week and a sleepover once every six weeks or so but you need to spend time together as a family and the PILs need to find other ways to fulfil their lives.

LucilleBluth · 03/04/2014 10:45

BUT, not buy

threestars · 03/04/2014 10:50

YANBU at all.
Suggest that if the holiday is "ruined" then just cancel it and you will have children all Easter weekend as you want to cherish those young years, just as PIL got to cherish them with their own children all those years ago.
And find someone else to look after them on Thursday.

diddl · 03/04/2014 11:01

The thing is that when they offered Thurs to Mon, you should have said no straightaway, just the Thurs.

I'm misunderstanding-are you talking about Easter weekend that they would have taken the kids away?

You are too conditioned to them having your kids at weekends tbh.

If you need a Thurs, how is the kids then going away for a weekend great or generous?

It's cutting down the time that they have with their parents!

aderynlas · 03/04/2014 11:07

You cant allow someone having a strop to dictate how you live op. This will just get worse as your dc grow older. It would be nice to see your lo on their birthday but I dont see that as your real worry, its the need to pass your dc over to their gps whenever they say that should be dealt with. Good luck, hope you sort it out.

Sharaluck · 03/04/2014 11:15

Get your dh to talk to them and suggest one weekend a month for the dcs to stay the weekend with the gps. And maybe a family meal one evening a month as well.

Tell them that as the dcs get older they want to spend more time with friends and doing activities on the weekend and the current set up is not working for you anymore.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 03/04/2014 11:20

You need to grow a backbone and take control back of your children. Every other weekend is crazy, especially as it's not how you want it to be.

When DS was a baby my SIL was a bit like that, her kids had grown up and she had a void in her life and she got a bit obsessed with him wanting to have him all the time. All well and good until one day I was cuddling him and he held out his arms for her - I hit the stop button there and then and suggest you do the same.

UC · 03/04/2014 11:25

Why don't you drive down Sunday morning, spend Sunday and Monday with them all on holiday? Everyone's a winner.

Bonkers to cut DS's holiday short because you want him to be in his own bed on his birthday morning. The best birthdays are the ones that are special - being on holiday will make his special.

MamaMumra · 03/04/2014 11:36

What will you do OP?

formerbabe · 03/04/2014 11:39

The thing is the op sounds so spoilt. I bet you enjoy having all that time to yourself at the weekends to rest, lie in, go out in the evening, spend quality time with your dh etc...your pils looking after your DC does not just benefit them.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 03/04/2014 11:41

Look, at the end of the day he is 3, he will never remember his 3rd birthday.

He is, however, you son - not theirs but yours. If you want him to wake up in his own house with you on his birthday then make it happen.

Original poster
youbethemummylion · 03/04/2014 11:51

I dont really get a lie in etc when they are at the PILs due to having to go and ferry them to their various activities but thats not really the point anyway.

We cant go with them no room in caravan and no money for a B&B etc plus we werent invited PILs have no interest in spending time with DH or I

We will leave it as is at moment MIL is unhappy but still wants kids Thursday to Sunday. ThenDH will tell them its not working for us and it will have to be once a month then we can start cutting back even further from there. We need to get on top of this soon I think!

OP posts:
Koothrapanties · 03/04/2014 11:51

Yanbu. I would not be happy with any of this. I would feel like I was missing out on my dc's childhood. I think your pils want far more than a normal gp/gc relationship, they want to play mummy and daddy. Otherwise why would it matter about that extra night? They want to be the ones to make the day special and don't care that it's something important to you as your dcs mum.