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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my DS aged 3 to wake up in my house on his birthday?

153 replies

youbethemummylion · 03/04/2014 07:40

We are very lucky in that every other weekend ish (depending in other commitments) the PILS have DS1 and 2 to stay from Friday after school to Sunday morning. In the Easter hols me and DH have all the school hols covered except for the Thursday before Good Friday. PILS generously offered to have the kids from Thursday morning through to Monday morning and would take them to the caravan for a little holiday.

All great except Monday is DS2s birthday. I said I didnt want to not see DS2 until the afternoon on his birthday and that we would drive down to caravan on Sunday afternoon/evening to bring kids home so he will wake up here for his birthday. MIL is very annoyed about this saying we have ruined their holiday and now there is no point in going at all and they will just stay home.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 03/04/2014 09:20

Yes, you are. They've covered your childcare needs for the entire Easter break except one day, and you're fussing about a couple of hours on the morning of his birthday.
Her annoyance is probably related to the fact that you'll merrily use them for said childcare when it suits; but are perfectly capable of taking the day of the birthday off on a whim?
Don't be too surprised if you find them less accommodating in future.

diddl · 03/04/2014 09:24

"They've covered your childcare needs for the entire Easter break except one day,"

No, I think OP is stuck for one day which they have offered to cover.

Quinteszilla · 03/04/2014 09:25

I think it really sounds like you are going out of your way every other week to pander to these people. I would hate having to rush in the morning, take child to activity, then rush on to pils, drop of child, pick up again the following morning to ferry dc to his sunday activity. All that driving and ferrying around just so that they can spend some time.

It is amazing how they cant pick up the kids from the activity on Saturday and drop them off to the Sunday one and you pick up from Sunday.

You never get to do anything other than ferrying around all weekend, so it is not like they are doing childcare, or doing you favours, you are bending over backwards for them to have leisurely time with your kids, at your expense.

I would put a stop to this.

Aventurine · 03/04/2014 09:25

I don't understand why they stay with the PIL every other weekend. Are you saying you would rather have them with you those weekends, but feel obliged to let them go to GPs because it is better for the kids? Why? Surely if you would prefer to have them with you, then you have them with you?

Original poster
youbethemummylion · 03/04/2014 09:26

Floggingmolly read the thread and also the opening post.

OP posts:
Original poster
youbethemummylion · 03/04/2014 09:29

Betty its for neither its so they can spend time with the kids it wasnt everyother weekend to begin with its creeped up to that with them pushing for more and more time and me and DH being too weak to say no.

OP posts:
justalilmummy · 03/04/2014 09:30

Floggingmummy but it doesn't sound like she's ever made a fuss beforer
its a special day so it's beyond me how mil can't understand why she wants him back
If she was kicking up a fuss for no particular reason I would say she ibu
She may have planned something for him, she's properly put allot of effort into hes pressents etc and is excited for him to wake up that morning

She only needed one days care for her kids not the whole holiday

whattoWHO · 03/04/2014 09:30

I spent most of my weekends as a child with my grandparents.

This has given me wonderful memories and a fantastically close relationship to them.
However I aldo remember feeling that my parents were glad to offload me. I have no memories of holidays or days out or picnics or visits to Santa with my parents. My grandparents filled that 'treat' role.
OP, beware of the balance of the fun times your DC experience.

Quinteszilla · 03/04/2014 09:31

I think now that MIL has thrown her rattles out of her pram and withdrawn the offer of childcare on Thursday if you pick up on Sunday rather than Monday, it really is time for you to take back control, and not let her blackmail you to do what she wants.

cathyandclaire · 03/04/2014 09:34

YANBU and YANB precious.
My DC are older teenagers now but the birthday traditions we have (not OTT just everyone piling into the birthday girl's room, with breakfast in bed, pressies and cards) are ones that started at 2/3 years old.

I think the GP are being very entitled...maybe they convince themselves that they are doing you a favour by having the GC.

Couldn't you pick up your children on the Sunday and they could pop in to your house a day later ( on their way home) for birthday cake and present giving? Then maybe see if DH can sort this with his parents!

justalilmummy · 03/04/2014 09:34

I think ur gonna have to be the one who puts ur foot down if ur dh wants
Also why do the in laws have to have them every other weekend without u in order to spend time with the children?
I would suggest dropping it back to letting them stay overnight once amonth and maybe every other weekend go over for an afternoon?
They are ur kids if ur not happy with the arrangements ur gonna have to say something or this is gonna come to blows eventually

springlamb · 03/04/2014 09:37

I was with you till you got to 'bring them home'.
Up to then I was thinking you might, after a totally child free Easter, drive to the caravan site at the crack of dawn armed with presents, balloons and good cheer, and surprise them all, and then cart them off to the nearest pub for a lovely birthday breakfast, including the ILs. Then spend the bank holiday Monday as a family.
(I would've sent the kids down the van with the ILs on Thursday and followed on the Friday night after work, with the proviso that the ILs had wine chilled ready for us actually.)

petalunicorn · 03/04/2014 09:38

YABU about the birthday in the context of how you live your life with your pils co-parenting with you. You would expect a co-parent to have equal rights/expectations to birthdays.

If you really don't like it then I would immediately switch to them having them one or two nights a month and re-establish yourselves as their parents.

ChickenFromHell · 03/04/2014 09:41

OP - if you want the EOW business to stop just say 'no'. You're the parents, if DC question it the answer is still no.

For me it would be too much time away as I'd really question what PIL were telling DD.

YANBU to want to have your child's birthday with you, I'd put a whole stop to easter away - when she kicks off just withdraw the EOW too.

justalilmummy · 03/04/2014 09:43

Petalunicorn I'm not sure op is very happy with gp having them so much

Its hard as dh won't say anything and she properly feels too awkward to take it up herself
It's a tricky situation

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 03/04/2014 09:45

I understand people jumping to GPS' defence wrt providing childcare when they are doing so in order to make the parents' lives easier. But I find it weird how many people have said it's great that your in-laws take your children EVERY OTHER WEEKEND and have planned to take them on holiday over a birthday without even asking you! I have no idea how you got into this weekend thing to start with but they aren't doing it as a favour to you and it baffles me that anyone could state they would be grateful for this?

Taking the children for the occasional weekend - beneficial to everyone. Insisting on having them every other weekend and any holidays they feel like - not acceptable! The whole arrangement sounds ridiculous, if you work full time and already have a childminder during the week then when do you have time together with your children? And why would any parent be grateful to lose so much time with their own kids?

I would say YABU to have got into this situation to start with but YANBU to put your foot down and have the Easter weekend and birthday with your own children. And then drastically change the access arrangements - because it isn't childcare, you don't want it and you don't need it.

StrawberryGashes · 03/04/2014 09:51

Yanbu at all, it wouldn't ruin her holiday, you'd be driving down on the Sunday night to pick them up Confused she's making a huge drama out of nothing. You're not in the wrong to want to have your son all day on his birthday!

justalilmummy · 03/04/2014 09:54

Can I ask as well is no-one ever allowed to be a bit 'precious' with their kids?

MrsBrianODriscoll · 03/04/2014 09:54

They sound like fruit loops, they need putting back in their box pronto.

Pinkelephanty · 03/04/2014 10:01

YANBU your mil is. They still have thurs, fri, sat and half of Sunday so it's still a holiday-it's your mil that's being unreasonable saying that the whole holiday is off. Massive over reaction. I would want my dcs to be home for their birthdays from wake up.

possiblyprecious · 03/04/2014 10:09

You are absolutely definitely NOT being unreasonable!! You may collect your own children any time you see fit!

whomadeyougod · 03/04/2014 10:16

I need to put a stop to this dont I? But how without becoming the wicked witch in my childrens eyes as they love going?!

why stop it then ?

Ithinkwerealonenow · 03/04/2014 10:16

That is some wierd set up.

You don't sound happy with it, your DH doesn't sound happy with it. Unwind it.

Practice saying 'we need some family time'. Repeat ad nauseum until your PILs get the message. You are the parents, not them, man up to them fgs.

drspouse · 03/04/2014 10:16

If they are close enough to pick up from theirs and drop off for activities while still spending the night at theirs - can they not have a regular Saturday afternoon round at yours once a month, and an overnight on a Saturday once a month, when you then pick up on the Sunday morning (both of the DCs) to take to the Sunday morning activity?

They'd still see them every other weekend, they'd still have a sleepover and you'd only have one early morning activity pickup (and you'd be going there anyway to pick up the children).

betty10k · 03/04/2014 10:20

You are not being unreasonable at all - it's your child and it's his birthday of course you want to be with him especially from the moment he wakes because that's . Have to say i wouldn't be okay with my dc staying away every other weekend