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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my DS aged 3 to wake up in my house on his birthday?

153 replies

youbethemummylion · 03/04/2014 07:40

We are very lucky in that every other weekend ish (depending in other commitments) the PILS have DS1 and 2 to stay from Friday after school to Sunday morning. In the Easter hols me and DH have all the school hols covered except for the Thursday before Good Friday. PILS generously offered to have the kids from Thursday morning through to Monday morning and would take them to the caravan for a little holiday.

All great except Monday is DS2s birthday. I said I didnt want to not see DS2 until the afternoon on his birthday and that we would drive down to caravan on Sunday afternoon/evening to bring kids home so he will wake up here for his birthday. MIL is very annoyed about this saying we have ruined their holiday and now there is no point in going at all and they will just stay home.
AIBU?

OP posts:
greenfolder · 03/04/2014 08:39

i think that i would knock back on every other weekend tbh. it sounds like you find that too much. start to find things to do for most weekends- invite them along at first then move into them staying over once a month as a treat.

i think the whole easter thing has over stepped the mark. before you know it they are too old for easter egg hunting etc

Original poster
youbethemummylion · 03/04/2014 08:39

They can be very childish in their reactions to things.
To answer a previous poster they do weekend activities we pick DS1 up on saturday to take him to his then drop him back off then pick them both up really early on Sunday to get DS2 to his. It is more effort and cost to us when they stay there than when they are with is. We have to do this as PILs refuse to take them to their activities even though they do drive.
We should have "Mug" written acrosd our foreheads really shouldnt we. I dont know how it got to this they just are difficult people to deal with and both DH and I quite submissive I think.

OP posts:
glenthebattleostrich · 03/04/2014 08:40

Sorry treacle, I wasn't attacking anyone in particular, it was a general comment as it seems at the minute on here if you don't hand your kids over to anyone and their grannies you at deemed unreasonable and controlling!! I do get what you mean about birthdays for some though.

RiverTam · 03/04/2014 08:43

that is ridiculous re: weekend activities. You do both sound a wee bit of a mug (sorry!), you should have said there and then that if they want the DCs for the whole weekend they have to take them to their activities.

DH needs to come up with a solution and present it to his parents as a done deal. They sound immensely controlling.

Do your DC actually enjoy their time with their GPs? And when do they see your parents?

mrsjay · 03/04/2014 08:46

yabu your parents take your children when you need them too and they arranged something to amuse the children which is great isnt it unless it doesnt suit you. you are just a bit miffed your son will see his grandparents on his birthday first, you need to decide what you want you, your son will be fine it is you that is being over emotional about it, i dont blame granny for being upset about this

redskyatnight · 03/04/2014 08:47

I would have no problem with DS not waking up in my house on his birthday.

I would have a real problem with the amount of quality family time you are giving up to PILs if you don't need it for childcare.

Onewomanarmy · 03/04/2014 08:49

Would you all be happy not seeing your kids pretty much all of Easter weekend because you needed childcare 8 to 2 on the Thursday

No I wouldn't. I don't think you are BU either.

I would def put a block on the allocated weekends as they are NOT NR parents. It's too much.

Can you not stay your self on the Sunday at the caravan ? If not drive up , spend the day there and then come home leaving them to relax on their own.

Some grandparents start to live their lives through their dgc, my dgm did with my dd. It got to the point where she was acting like we were both her children and she was the mother, it caused a big argument in a restaurant on holiday - bloody awful!

She is emotionally black mailing you. Call her bluff other wise expect more of the same shit. Cutting her nose of to spite her face. Let her.

Original poster
youbethemummylion · 03/04/2014 08:50

My parents live far away and rarely see the kids. I dont know if I was compensating for that by letting PILs see them more. The kids idolise PILs thats why I feel so bad keeping them apart!

OP posts:
mrsjay · 03/04/2014 08:50

it got to this stage because you let it happen it suited you for the children to be with them the grandparents did not snatch your children you allowed them to stay over so much I know i am being harsh about this i cant think of anything to sugar coat it you and your husband allowed this to happen fwiw i think it is great for children to stay at Grandparents houses

diddl · 03/04/2014 08:52

Bloody hell!

They are your children-you decide where they go, when & who with!

I imagine the ILs think that they are doing you a great favour by giving you so much free time, but they seem to think that they are nrps!

How often do they do childcare?

I don't think you are lucky that your kids are away every other weekend-unless that's what you want.

I can't imagine anything worse!

Annianni · 03/04/2014 08:54

Yanbu.
I wouldn't want my dc's away from me every other weekend, and certainly not on a birthday.

Your mil sounds like a stroppy teenager.
I'd stop all that nonsense now.

We recently had a 3rd birthday at home, and the look on their face was fab.
It was the first birthday when they'd understood what was happening in the days beforehand and it was lovely seeing the excitement building.

So sod them going away for the weekend, I'd have the dc's at home.

RoaringTiger · 03/04/2014 08:54

I would book a childminder for the Thursday and just let them know they 'don't need to cancel their break now as you've sorted something out for the children, sorry to have disrupted your plans' big smile and leave her to tantrum. I would also start cutting back the weekend stays, if they refuse to take them to their activities they don't get to have them, why should you have to put yourself out trying to facilitate time with them?

shewhowines · 03/04/2014 08:54

Yes, time to gradually withdraw, so there is no expectation of any regular time for them.
Say that as they are getting older they need to spend some weekends with their friends, you etc. Tell them it is easier to get them to their activities from your house. Get it down to occasional overnights - not fri and sat - and these are arranged as and when, not at specified times.

If they moan, then tough. You need to grow a backbone. You are right in the fact that they feel and act like like a divorced parent with right to access. Set those boundaries now.

diddl · 03/04/2014 08:57

Go and visit your parents at Easter!

mrsjay · 03/04/2014 08:58

why dont you go down on the sunday and stay over night ,

TinyTear · 03/04/2014 08:59

YANBU

So they get the grandchildren 25 weekend in the year and you want the birthday... you GET the bloody birthday, you are the mother...

fucking hell only here you get the GPs rights being so high... I saw my GP on holidays and that was it and still have a very good relationship with them

My daugher seens the GP once a week on video calls and between two and four times a year in real life and that will be more than enough...

mrsjay · 03/04/2014 09:02

they are not getting the grandchildren the op and her husband are allowing the grandchildren to stay

Treaclepot · 03/04/2014 09:03

There is no way I would want my dc to be away every other weekend. Are they at school? You must hardly see them. Put a stop to it, it sounds a stupid arrangement .

TheBookofRuth · 03/04/2014 09:04

I don't think YABU. No one else is getting my kids on their birthdays until they're old enough to decide for themselves who they want to spend them with. And my DD has three sets of grandparents who love her to bits and sees often, and she spends every Friday night at my DM's, so it's not like I'm precious about her spending time away from me. Birthdays are different though. They're special.

KEGirlOnFire · 03/04/2014 09:06

YANBU

I know for a fact that my DD would NOT want to wake up on her birthday without DH or I there!! Birthdays are family time for us, our little family. Extended family all come around in the afternoon for a small party, but it's always DD waking with us on her birthday.

MrsDeltaB · 03/04/2014 09:07

Jeepers, the every other weekend sounds an awful lot, my two go to PIL's maybe 3 or 4 weekends a year (they only live 50 miles away) and thats only so DH and I can do something specific. Yes its lovely that the GP's get so much time with them, but I'm afraid I'm in the camp of 'my kids, my responsibility'. Apart from you having to do clubs etc, who is the arrangement benefiting, you or them?

yomellamoHelly · 03/04/2014 09:09

I would want to be with my child on their birthday. End of. He's 3. Different when he's a teenager. Would not want my time with my dc to be compromised as much as yours is either.

Lovecat · 03/04/2014 09:11

YANBU x a million. There is no way that I would want to spend DD's birthday away from her or she would want to be somewhere without me.

It's the ILs who sound stroppy, entitled & controlling to me, not you.

I too would knock the weekends on the head - someone upthread (sorry, can't look back on stupid phone) said the perfect get out along the lines of 'oh, if it's causing this much hassle we'd better scale things back all together' and stick to it. My ILs are probably too hands off (haven't seen them since Christmas, they really don't care about GC apart from the Golden Child's offspring), but if they wanted to see DD and it didn't fit in with our family plans (and I count activities as day to day family stuff), then it wouldn't happen.

Good luck!

justalilmummy · 03/04/2014 09:18

I think yanbu I would hate to have my kids away for the morning of their birthday

Don't get why people are saying yabu he's ur son u do what u want, u want him back then he should be back. Surely hes gp must have realised that it was he's birthday and there's a huge chance he's mother wants to be with him

If it was me planning the holiday I would have planned to bring the kids back Sunday evening that way kids have a lovely little holiday gp get the c the gc and parents get to see their son wake up on he's birthday

However some people don't find birthdays that special, so it pil may not understand u wanting him with u
I personally couldn't do it I love to make a fuss of my kids on their birthday

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 03/04/2014 09:20

Can I ask why your PIL's have them every other weekend....all weekend? Is it for work reasons or do you just want time away from them?

If it's the latter I find it quite odd.

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