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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my DS aged 3 to wake up in my house on his birthday?

153 replies

youbethemummylion · 03/04/2014 07:40

We are very lucky in that every other weekend ish (depending in other commitments) the PILS have DS1 and 2 to stay from Friday after school to Sunday morning. In the Easter hols me and DH have all the school hols covered except for the Thursday before Good Friday. PILS generously offered to have the kids from Thursday morning through to Monday morning and would take them to the caravan for a little holiday.

All great except Monday is DS2s birthday. I said I didnt want to not see DS2 until the afternoon on his birthday and that we would drive down to caravan on Sunday afternoon/evening to bring kids home so he will wake up here for his birthday. MIL is very annoyed about this saying we have ruined their holiday and now there is no point in going at all and they will just stay home.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
youbethemummylion · 03/04/2014 08:04

formerbabe it is not help I need the visits are something I facilitate for PILs and DSs to spend time together sometimes to my own detriment. If they hadnt offered to take them Thursdsy they would have gone to childminders.

OP posts:
invicta · 03/04/2014 08:05

I can understand that you want to see him wake up on his birthday.

Can you stay in a B and B near the caravan and go to the caravan early?

Maybe the inlaws were looking forward to having the dc on his birthday morning, and planning a special morning?

If you do bring the dcs home early, it doesn't stop the inlaws continuing their holiday.

Fifyfomum · 03/04/2014 08:05

I don't think yabu, he is your child and you might have your own plans for his birthday.

formerbabe · 03/04/2014 08:05

I may be biased as my kids don't have any gps, but I would cut my arm off for gps who looked after my kids for a whole weekend and then took them on holiday. You don't know how lucky you are op.

MiniSoksMakeHardWork · 03/04/2014 08:06

I think yabu. Dd celebrated her 5th birthday on holiday with my parents and her elder cousins. My parents had wanted to take her away for a while but weren't able to manage it for a variety of reasons.

I knew she would be spoiled rotten on her birthday and would have a better day than I could have managed. She was thrilled. They went to the zoo, had icecreams and at tea time mum laid on a mini party tea, complete with games and party bags!

She had already had her joint party with her brother and their friends before she went.

I fully appreciate birthdays not just being about the child, but the parents and usually the mother too. But at the end of the day it is just one day out of many. You may find if your ds' birthday falls in Easter on other years, that you have to have moveable celebrations if he wants his friends to come to a party.

treaclesoda · 03/04/2014 08:06

meep the op didn't say she would be away from her child on his birthday, just that he wouldn't wake up in her house.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 03/04/2014 08:06

Right then, say that - "ok, if you can no longer take them we will use the CM"

What does your DH think?

MeepMeepVroooom · 03/04/2014 08:07

Formerbabe my daughter does have GPs. Ones that take her the odd occasion I'm going out, however I still wouldn't want me daughter away on her birthday.

MeepMeepVroooom · 03/04/2014 08:09

I wouldn't want my kid away for the morning either.

treaclesoda · 03/04/2014 08:15

I think the world is probably divided into people who think birthdays are very precious and important, and people who think they are just a random day in the calendar when you happen to get a card and a present, and when you're very small you get a party.

My parents never made a huge fuss of my birthday, and I never felt my childhood was lacking because of it. So it's one of those things that just has me scratching my head thinking 'eh? what's the actual problem here?'. Clearly other people feel differently and are equally baffled by why I don't think it's a big deal.

Original poster
youbethemummylion · 03/04/2014 08:17

DH thinks they are doing it on purpose apparantly when he told them about us being away for DS1s birthday MIL stomped upstairs got his present still unwrapped and thrust it at him saying you may as well have it now as we wont see you on your birthday. This was weeks ago and there have been plenty of changes to give it to him nicely since then.

OP posts:
glenthebattleostrich · 03/04/2014 08:18

I really don't get this idea on MN that parents are unreasonable to actually want to spend time with their kids and everyone should effectively have shared care with the grandparents.

I grew DD, I am doing the sleepless nights, illnesses and drudgery of childcare so I'll damn well have the fun bits too thanks.

Yes it is lovely for children to have a great relationship with their grandparents, and the OP is clearly facilitating this. But it is not unreasonable to want to have your child with you when it is a special day.

OP, stick to your plans. Your in laws and your parents for that matter have had their turn raising children, they need to let you have your time now.

HSMMaCM · 03/04/2014 08:19

I agree with another poster who suggested surprising him on his birthday morning. You could all go for a fabulous birthday breakfast together. He'd love it.

Merrylegs · 03/04/2014 08:19

I'm with chinup tbh.

It's lovely that your kids have such a close relationship with their gps, but every other weekend? And the whole Easter weekend? Without you?

I don't know, it sounds a bit full on to me. They sound emotionally controlling rather than emotionally generous.

Who is the parent here?

glenthebattleostrich · 03/04/2014 08:21

Sorry, cross posted with you there OP. I would be having a quiet word along the lines of it's wonderful how special your relationship with the children is but back off a bit.

Your MIL sounds like my mum in that she wants, not control, but is a little to invested in the children, if you know what I mean.

RiverTam · 03/04/2014 08:22

sounds like she's got form for throwing a strop when things don't go her way, and whilst I would love DD to be able to see her GPs more frequently I don't think I'd be too happy about her being away every other weekend (presumably they can't do any regular weekend activity because of this?).

I (or in fact I would get DH to do this as it's his DM - why do women always have to deal with MILs?) would re-iterate that you just want to pick them up a day early, or, if that's not convenient, the DC can go to the childminder on Thursday.

EatDessertFirst · 03/04/2014 08:24

YABabitU. Its just one birthday and he is probably not going to remember that he didn't wake up at home. I know its also partly about you but in the grand scheme of things its not that bad.

Agreeing with PP, your PIL have been massively generous taking your DC every other weekend regardless of who the contact is benefitting. I personally, couldn't spend every other weekend without my children, especially if I worked a lot, and if it makes you uncomfortable or resentful then you need to put a stop to it.

Maybe they feel like they have a significant say in what goes on in your DS' life simply because they see him so much, which is what is leading to MIL complaining about you screwing up their holiday. Perhaps they think you are being ungrateful in a way?

Childminder on Thursday sounds like a good back-up plan if a row ensues.

Quinteszilla · 03/04/2014 08:25

She is unreasonable.

So just because you want to spend some of Easter with your child, and have him home for your birthday, she is now trying to blackmail and manipulate you by withdrawing the offer of holiday and help?

In your shoes I would say "fine, thats ok if that is your decision. Maybe it is too much for you to have the children every weekend, perhaps once a month will be more appropriate, or just ad hoc when it suits us all" if you think they are hogging your children on the weekend.

Tinkerball · 03/04/2014 08:27

I spent every Friday to Saturday as a child staying at my Grans (Dads Mum) and I loved it - it formed an important part of my childhood which I have very fond memories of.

Sharaluck · 03/04/2014 08:28

Hmm

I think you you to politely and amicably wind back the childcare arrangements. I think that perhaps they resent it and feel taken for granted.

They might love having the dc but at the same time find it a burden.

Additionally they may feel that as they are helping you out, that deserve a bigger say in the dc's lives.

Time to gently put down some boundaries.

Original poster
youbethemummylion · 03/04/2014 08:28

MerryLegs thank you! I have had thoughts along those lines for sometime now someone else has said it it seems more real and valid iyswim. I have said to DH before it seems like sometimes its as if we have similar battles to those of seperated parents with contact time etc. If we say they cant come this weekend because xyz they start to negotiate maybe two weekends in a row becsuse they have lost "their" time. I need to put a stop to this dont I? But how without becoming the wicked witch in my childrens eyes as they love going?!

OP posts:
MrsDe · 03/04/2014 08:28

Perhaps I would be ok with a birthday but wouldn't like not seeing them at all over the Easter weekend. Not just for Easter egg hunting but also I get a whole four days off work. And I want to spend I with my family.

treaclesoda · 03/04/2014 08:29

glen just to clarify my own comments, I don't think any parent is unreasonable for wanting to spend time with their children, and I'm always amazed when I hear about children who spend every weekend with the grandparents, it's not something I would want. I just meant that I don't specifically see a birthday as any different to any other day, so that bit to me is no big deal.

The OPs in laws sound mighty controlling though, and I can see why their overall attitude annoys her.

ShoeWhore · 03/04/2014 08:32

Yanbu.

Every other weekend is an awful lot of time for your dcs to stay with their GPs though - I wonder if this is creating some kind of sense of entitlement in your MIL? It's lovely that she wants to take them away but I would definitely expect to be consulted first - it's Easter! You might have already made plans.

What you said about throwing the present at your Ds is pretty unreasonable and childish on your MIL's part too. Is she used to getting her own way?

RiverTam · 03/04/2014 08:35

You don't need to put a stop to anything. Your DH does, because it's his parents. Would he deal with an issue with your parents?