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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off that it's all so unachievable?

150 replies

pissedoffwithitall · 02/04/2014 17:58

I probably am I know.

I have a lot that people would envy - really good job that I enjoy (and pays well, albeit I work hard for it), a lovely home in a very good area, enough money that I can buy treats for me and the DC when I want/replace household stuff without worrying about the cost, my health and fitness, 2 DC, friends.

But I want a partner and another child. And it's basically too late (I might have another year or so's fertility left, but nothings going to change in that time!).

It's not like I haven't tried, I've had some short-term romantic encounters over past years, but none that developed into anything serious or long term. I could've had a baby on my own, but I've already done that twice, and I wanted it to be different this time.

I know several women who divorced/separated within the last couple of years (when I'd already been single for a fair while) and they are now remarried, with a baby (or in one case, 2) and yet I'm still in the same position. I just want a family (and yes, I know I already have one with my DC, but I want more than that) and it's not going to happen.

I've just walked past the local day nursery, and felt tears welling up seeing all the parents collecting their DC. That should be me, but it won't be.

This (as my life is) isn't what I want. But I can't see how I can change it, certainly not in the time I have left.

OP posts:
BeQuicksieorBeDead · 02/04/2014 18:06

Hmm... Perhaps a little bit unreasonable from the point of view of people who have none of what you have. Two healthy dcs is amazing and lucky.

But how you feel is how you feel - not unreasonable to want more of a good thing. You obviously have a lot to share and want to do so, again not unreasonable. Just dont let regret sneak in and steal the time you have got.

Original poster
pissedoffwithitall · 02/04/2014 18:11

I think it's too late for that. My DC are almost grown up, I spent very little time with them when they were young, missed out on a lot. Doing it again was going to be my chance to do it properly, all the stuff that I couldn't do with them, all the things we couldn't afford.

And I'm not going to get the chance.

OP posts:
BeQuicksieorBeDead · 02/04/2014 18:31

Do you think anyone really feels like they have done it properly? There is never enough time, attention, cuddles etc for your kids I think. I have got a lo and I know when I go back to work I will feel that way, despite all the love and care he gets. We are programmed that way. Please dont let these thoughts ruin what you have.

If you really want another child, you could do it alone. Or you could foster/adopt. If another child is really what you want, because perhaps what you want is to go back to the beginning and start again with the two you have. Have you talked to them about it?

Original poster
pissedoffwithitall · 02/04/2014 18:48

I can barely remember my DC as babies. I have hardly any photos of them. I never went to sports days, plays, open days, parents evenings. I've missed a lot, and I really want to do it again, but I can't see how it will happen.

I'm too old to adopt, and as far as I know in my area you can't work and foster so that's out.

I just thought it would work out differently, I'd get the partner and child like other normal people do. Or even just a partner.

I didn't expect to be (almost) middle aged and single, and unhappy

OP posts:
Original poster
pissedoffwithitall · 02/04/2014 18:50

DC have said they would quite like a younger sibling - they will be off to college/university in any event in the next few years.

OP posts:
Original poster
pissedoffwithitall · 02/04/2014 19:04

I'm conscious of sounding really ungrateful.

I don't mean to be. I thought I'd always end up 'happy' - married, more DC.

And as hard as I try, I can't see that I'll ever get there.

OP posts:
BlackholesAndRevelations · 02/04/2014 19:11

Have you joined a dating agency? I don't think it's unreasonable to want a partner. Not sure about another dc though- sounds as if you want another chance to get it right this time?

I do sympathise, despite you seeming to "have it all" on the surface. Flowers

NotJustACigar · 02/04/2014 19:15

Have you done any online dating? Don't give up - put in every bit of effort and time you have spare to try and make things happen. I think eHarmony is good for those wanting serious relationships. I met my wonderful amazing DH on Match.com. You have to make things happen but if you put the effort in you just might surprise yourself at the result.

Original poster
pissedoffwithitall · 02/04/2014 19:16

I've done the whole internet dating thing, it's mostly a waste of time. Men who aren't looking for relationships, or ones who are, but are literally covered in red flags.

I don't know that I got it 'wrong' with my DC, certainly it wasn't ideal. I had to work very hard, very long hours, it was a difficult time and I had to miss things. I wanted the chance to do it differently next time. Except there probably won't be a next time!

OP posts:
Original poster
pissedoffwithitall · 02/04/2014 19:20

I've done years of internet dating, on and off. Different sites, same old outcome. I have no problem meeting men/getting dates etc per se, but the majority don't want relationships (or not with me!) or are red flag abundant.

I do feel like I've tried, but the outcome is always the same.

OP posts:
80sMum · 02/04/2014 19:31

OP, let it go. Don't let regret eat you up. You didn't spend time with your kids when they were little? Well, spend it with them now. These are the children that you actually have. Don't waste time thinking of the ones you haven't had.

This is your life, it's not a dress rehearsal for some other life! This is it! Make the most of what you have while you still have it.

NotJustACigar · 02/04/2014 19:40

All I can say is that my online dating experience has been vastly different from your. Not only did I meet my DH, I also met some men who are now my friends (due to lack of spark) who have gotten married to other women and had children with them over the past few years. Perhaps change to a different site and/or change your approach but I don't think you should give up on your dream. It is highly achievable.

Original poster
pissedoffwithitall · 02/04/2014 19:42

My DC are almost adults now, so too old to want to spend anything other than a minmal amount of time with me.

I do try, but at the age they are, doing anything with a parent isn't interesting. I'm not going to force them if they don't want to.

OP posts:
Original poster
pissedoffwithitall · 02/04/2014 19:46

Over the years I've tried lots of different sites, different 'approaches' etc. I do know some people who are married and met via online dating, but I know a lot more who (like me) haven't had any success with it...it just doesn't seem to work for everyone.

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 02/04/2014 19:57

I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh. But TBH if I was one of your DC and you had another child and turned into some kind of doting cupcake baking super mum in such an obvious effort to assuage private guilt, I'm not sure how I'd feel. This is, as I'm sure you realise, all about you. 80smum is right, and if your DC are too interested in exploring the world outside just now to spend much time with you, then I guess you put the time in and hang on in there, and eventually they will come back and be delighted to spend time with you. That's all early years parenting mostly is after all, putting the hours in knowing that you'll get lovely people out of it.

I'm sure your DC would "quite like" another sibling, who wouldn't really, especially at their age it would be quite a fun novelty. But surely it wouldn't make everything better for you and them in the way that you seem to imply. I can totally understand wanting a partner, I can understand the primal drive to want more children - but wanting "a family"? You have one.

Original poster
pissedoffwithitall · 02/04/2014 20:20

You misunderstand me. I don't bake, I'd have no intention of giving up work and being some BLW, lentil-weaving type. I have a bit more time, and a lot more money now, I'd like the chance to do it again, and maybe do some of the stuff I couldn't the first time (like plenty of people do, just not me apparently).

If I was already married and wanted another DC, I'm sure everyone would think that was fine to want to do it again.

My DC are the only children they know, have ever known, in a single parent household. Some of their friends have divorced parents, but all remarried/moved in with new partners almost immediately.

They don't like not having a father figure in the house, never have, and have said many times over the years they wish they were like other families. I've not influenced that.

OP posts:
frumpet · 02/04/2014 20:20

How old are you OP ? i wonder because i spent a large chunk of my thirties looking back with regret , i wish my life had been different , i wanted the whole loving partner , everything from Jojomamanbebe wonderland . This in part caused me to have a breakdown , i am very lucky to have three very wonderful occasionally children , but have realised that there really is absolutely no point in looking backwards , no point in what ifs and maybe's . For all you know you could meet someone tomorrow and have this next wonderous child in a glorious technicolour montage to pefection , or you could meet someone tomorrow and have another child and still be on here moaning about something that isnt quite right in your life . Either way have a very large glass of Wine

frumpet · 02/04/2014 20:27

Oh dear OP , please ignore my rant , tramadol and wine do not mix well and pain makes me bad tempered , still have the large Wine

TeenAndTween · 02/04/2014 20:34

OP - I'm too old to adopt

I very much doubt that. You think you have a year or so fertility left. So I'm guessing you are on the wrong side of 40 but the right side of 45.
That is not too old to adopt.

They may want you to be placed with a school aged child as you are a working single parent, and they would want you to have a very good support network, and to know what you would do for childcare after school and in school holidays (many adopted children are not good candidates for a mix and match approach to childcare). BUT you are not too old.

Original poster
pissedoffwithitall · 02/04/2014 20:37

I'm 40 so the baby may well be an impossibility by now anyway.

I've wanted a partner and baby for many years, I don't know if it would make me happy, I just know I'm not happy now.

OP posts:
Original poster
pissedoffwithitall · 02/04/2014 20:42

Is that true about adoption? I understood 40 was pretty much the cut-off. However I have no family support network so may be scuppered anyway.

OP posts:
frumpet · 02/04/2014 20:43

40 !!! you are not too old to have children , ok statistically the odds maybe slightly stacked against you , but you have form . Get back out there and see if you can get yourself a lovely man , although maybe wait until tomorrow if you have gone with my big Wine advice Wink

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 02/04/2014 20:49

I thought you were going to say you're about 46 or 47! I'm 41 and in a very similar situation, albeit with just one child. It was never in my life plan to only have one DC but I haven't given up hope yet. An old colleague of mine had her youngest when she was about 44/45, so there's hope yet for both of us Smile.

frumpet · 02/04/2014 20:55

Also , i have a friend who started the whole internet dating malarky and she was very sure of what she wanted , she only went for Alpha males who were a mirror image of who she was , very succesful career orientated . She was going to give the whole thing up and then decided for a bit of a laugh to totally change her criteria , so the exact opposite of what she had originally gone for , she is now married to a fabulous man , who runs his own joinery business ( that he fits around the school run ) and couldnt be happier , so give those Beta males a chance Wink

TeenAndTween · 02/04/2014 21:08

re Adoption. Many agencies have an age-gap rule, usually 40 years, sometimes more, going with the younger of a couple's age if there are 2 of you.
So a 45 yr old would be allowed to adopt a school age child, but maybe not a pre-schooler.
They are likely to be more 'relaxed' with this rule for harder to place children.
The reason for this is that they want to know you are likely to have the health and energy to see your adopted children into adulthood.

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