to be pissed off that it's all so unachievable?

[pissedoffwithitall]

I probably am I know.

I have a lot that people would envy - really good job that I enjoy (and pays well, albeit I work hard for it), a lovely home in a very good area, enough money that I can buy treats for me and the DC when I want/replace household stuff without worrying about the cost, my health and fitness, 2 DC, friends.

But I want a partner and another child. And it's basically too late (I might have another year or so's fertility left, but nothings going to change in that time!).

It's not like I haven't tried, I've had some short-term romantic encounters over past years, but none that developed into anything serious or long term. I could've had a baby on my own, but I've already done that twice, and I wanted it to be different this time.

I know several women who divorced/separated within the last couple of years (when I'd already been single for a fair while) and they are now remarried, with a baby (or in one case, 2) and yet I'm still in the same position. I just want a family (and yes, I know I already have one with my DC, but I want more than that) and it's not going to happen.

I've just walked past the local day nursery, and felt tears welling up seeing all the parents collecting their DC. That should be me, but it won't be.

This (as my life is) isn't what I want. But I can't see how I can change it, certainly not in the time I have left.

Sorry, but this is going to sound rather harsh but I have no children. I have had IVF fail twice and have been TTCing for many years.
Count your blessings and consider yourself very lucky.

You have made me a little bit cross OP. Perhaps you haven't met anyone else, because you don't want to meet anyone else, you want to meet someone to provide you with the "perfect family". That doesn't exist, we all have to work at it.

Perhaps you should take people at face value for today and enjoy their company for what they are and not what you think they might be able to give you.

Online dating. You don't have to pay for them! Loadsa couples meet that way just ignore all the skeezy messages.

It might be a bit unreasonable as you have your health, DCs and a good job and home.

But I can see where you're coming from in that its not what you'd envisioned for your life.

I have my DH and DCs but we're stuck with low income jobs and are constantly watching what we spend. I mostly have my health but have slipped disks in my back which stops me being the mum I want to be with my young DCs when it plays up.

I'd envisioned finishing school, getting my degree and having a good career with a decent wage, marrying, buying a nice home and having four DCs.

Instead I finished school, had unplanned dc1, dc2, got married, had dc3, started my degree part time and had unplanned dc4, we can't afford our own home and barely have enough to pay bills and buy food.

It's tough when life doesn't follow the plans you make when young but, as cliched as it sounds, we have to make the best of what we have, change what you can and forget what you can't change.

That's interesting about adoption thank you.

In my family menopause tends to hit early, from 40 onwards, so I don't think I have more than a years fertility left if that.

I have tried internet dating, not many alpha (or beta) males to be honest in my experience! And almost none that want a girlfriend/relationship type thing. I don't care about wealth or status in a man - I'm not looking for someone to fund my life, I support myself, always have done.

I suppose I think it must be nice having someone there - I've given birth twice alone, never had anyone with me even for a scan. Its not quite what I envisaged.

How did you have your other children?
What's an 'alpha' man? There's all kinds of people online.

One DC from effectively a one night stand, the other a brief relationship. Both unplanned, but very happy accidents.

A poster upthread referred to alpha males. They are meant I believe to be the creme de la creme, successful, intelligent, goodlooking, great personality, and so on. Not necessarily something I'm holding out for.

I know there are lots of different people online. Unfortunately in my experience very few want a girlfriend (much less a wife).

I have felt the same about children OP. I used to feel terrible envy towards women with three or four kids. if it doesn't happen for you (and I haven't had more), it does get easier. I think about it less and less as time goes on, and hopefully eventually I will have grandchildren and am going to have a new nephew soon. Until then, I just try to make the most of the things I can do because I haven't got young children, and not dwell on things that remind me (like nurseries and the little kids in DD's dance shows. I agree with another poster that it always goes too fast and you can never get it back, and that was one of the first things that really struck me when DS was born. If I had another, the same would just happen again - you blink and their first week has gone.

sorry! this got a bit miserable.

IVF with donor (call a clinic). The ceiling is usually 45 here, or 50(!) in many clinics abroad but with donor eggs. IVF, though is a roller coaster and, as many on here have experienced, does not always work.
Adoption- still plenty of time. You could give a loving home to a hard to place pair of siblings.
I suppose it depends what's driving this. If it's some Kodak moment vision of family, then perhaps that would not be for you.

Eharmony may be a bit cheesy but it is specifically geared towards forming long term relationships. When you've tried online dating did you search for men and message interesting ones or just respond to whoever messages you?

www.amazon.co.uk/Find-Husband-After-35-Business/dp/0345466268

If that's how you feel, then fair enough. Could you make more of an effort now with your children? I know you can never get those younger year back, but they're still your children and will always need your love and time. Who knows, perhaps you'll be lucky enough to be a grandmother, and be able to spend time with your family and little kiddos then.

Not sure I'd recommend internet dating (if you're already feeling down, it might be tough...rejection in part and parcel of the process, and it takes a thick skin to bounce back). How about doing something you really enjoy, or always wanted to do, once per week? Who knows, you might meet someone...assuming it isn't flower arranging!

The thing is that I am home with my kids and I still feel like I cannot absorb it as much as I would like to..some days I am so tired I do not do everything I want with them, am not as creative or not as creative...and I am that mum on the pre school run, doing all the activities....my daughter turned two and I felta little grief that two years of it is gone.
So I suspect this may be the way it is for some characters....I know I will weep buckets when my kids are grown up because I know how special this time is. I gave up my career to stay home and the will be a price to be paid, and still it is going too fast and I already miss each stage as it passes.
I think the way you feel is totally reasonable.....everyone wants to be in a happy family...well most do...but family life, even a happy one is also a lot of graft and repetition, but I guess you have an ally to share the hard work. So just get out there and be positive and have hope. I have friends of 44, 46 49 all having kids at these ages.....so don,t rule it out. I am 41 and I still think maybe we will have another in a couple of years...prob not but the possibility is there....because I see plenty of women tht age having babies.
Wallow in the regret but then get up and do something positive. It is ok to have the feeling I think. Part of being human.

Sperm bank? Sorry I know it's harsh but you clearly want a kid. You don't have to tell people.

Op I am 33 and have given up hope too of more kids and a dp. ds is 8 and adorable but I feel sad for him and me.

You're obviously one of life's pessimists and it seems that nothing any of us says will cheer you up or give you some momentum to make a change!

80skid said it beautifully. Don't waste your life having regrets and moaning about what hasn't happened. I totally sympathise (like I said) with your lack of partner. But you need to get out there and find someone.

Haha- 80sMum

I endorse "Find a husband after 35". I bought a copy about 4 years ago aged 36 and my wedding is in June :-)

OP, you have said a couple of times that maybe "just a partner" would be enough for you, but that rings a bit hollow to be honest as your focus seems to be very much on having another baby. Possibly that's coming through when you date (even if you are not saying so expressly) and it's scaring the blokes off. They need time to enjoy being with you before the idea of fathering your children comes to the fore, and once the relationship is strong it's much easier to introduce the idea.

You say that none of the online dates wanted a relationship, but you don't say whether you actually liked any of them. Is it a case of not winning them over, or not meeting any that "do it" for you in the first place? It's an important question as the strategy for dealing with the two problems is different.

Also, do you socialise enough generally? Sometimes getting out and about and meeting new people - women, attached men, couples - is a way to make connections that might lead to an introduction, and a person introduced to you by a mutual friend is likely to be a much better bet than an online stranger. And every new female friend who gets to like you and knows you are on the lookout is an extra single man scout out there, ready to champion you to her divorced new neighbour/husband's workmate/accountant.

My friend is going through the adoption process at the moment and she is 44.

Firstly there is no age limit on adoption.

Secondly, I met dh when I was 39 and a LP to four dc, we had our unexpected little girl when I was 43, this was after chemotherapy and being told I was definitely infertile.

I'm not saying this will happen to you but I am saying that you have no idea what life holds.

Enjoy the life you have rather than waste it worrying about what you don't have and you will attract new or good experiences.

You cannot have a relationship or more children "to order". Equally, it isn't impossible, at 40, to meet a partner and have another child. Or even to have another child on your own (adoption or sperm bank) but what you want, unless I'm missing something, is the opportunity to "have it all again and do it differently". Then you say that you wouldn't suddenly turn into cupcake-baking Earth Mother SuperMum. So, in that sense, as a working parent, nothing much would have changed in the upbringing of this longed for baby, except there may (or may not) be a man in the house.

Life doesn't turn out as we always want. I met my DH as a divorcee. He too, was divorced. I met him on the internet. He is good looking, intelligent, fantastic sense of humour, a good "provider" in that we have no money worries (we are comfortably off - at the moment) and I'm lucky that after ten years, I still look at him and my heart melts. But, we could not have had children of our own and one of his 2 kids from his previous marriage hates me. Not too strong a word....hates me. I also have two children from a previous marriage one of whom is disabled. Life. Gives you some of the stuff you want then gives you some of the stuff you didn't want.

I wonder whether you might be one of those people who are never ... quite.... fully satisfied. That's not a criticism.... I too would have liked more/different things in my life but I'm very very happy and grateful for what I have got. Don't lose sight of all the good stuff OP, whilst your lamenting how it should have been. That's my advice. And maybe then, you'll meet someone who is everything you want in a partner when you stop "wanting".

Good luck!

I've been thinking some more about it, and much as I would like another child, I don't feel (right now) that I want to do it alone. I've done that twice and it's hard. I work with a girl who's about to go on mat leave. She is planning to have her mum, sister and her DH in the delivery room with her, because she needs the support. I had no-one, both times, no choice, just how it was. I got on with it, but do I want that, all of it, utterly on my own? Probably not.

As to finding a partner, I have tried, I'm not expecting Mr Right, or even Mr He'll Do to come knocking at my door! Admittedly I've not tried in the sense of wearing a sandwich board saying 'I'm available' and parading down the High Street :) but I've done dating sites, dating 'events', I go out regularly, use the gym, etc. I have a pretty full life, work in a huge organisation of several thousand people. But it hasn't happened yet.

I've met men I had no interest in, or were unsuitable (abusive traits and suchlike) and others who I would have been interested in forming a relationship with, but they were either not looking for anything more than a date, or only interested in a FWB arrangement, or something similarly casual/open which isn't for me. I have friends younger and older than me who have had similar experiences. I think it's just the luck of the draw with online dating!

Sorry you sound so unhappy with your lot, but you know the thing about the balloon having the same amount of air in it wherever you squeeze it? That those people who have divorced and remarried or got a third chance at having a baby will still have the same amount of stresses or reasons to be unhappy and unfulfilled as you, just different stresses and reasons. You're not unreasonable to feel unhappy but you must know that the answer never really lies in other people or having babies, if you can't be happy with yourself and what you have first. And you do have a lot. Maybe too much? If you were struggling for money, would you still be focusing on this?

That wasn't my main thought though, and you probably won't like this, but what your regrets about raising your kids made me think overwhelmingly that most parents feel such regrets to some extent, because parenting is always tough and you never have enough time, patience or any of that. And that's why grandparents are often so bloody great with grandkids, because that's when they have the chance to 'do it right' - largely because they don't have to do the parenting this time. Obviously I'm not saying you're ready to be a grandparent and I'm sure your DC aren't ready to make you one. Am just saying your regrets are normal and no reason to think that things would be rosier if you had another DC now. Yes you have more money, but there'd be other problems, there always are.

OP you say you have a good social life, but have you made any new friends recently? Meeting someone new is all about expanding your network, so socialising with old friends won't do it.

It's pretty difficult to meet new friends constantly though - I have made a few new friends over recent years, but not within say the last 2 years. Where do people find them? My DC are well over the age (and have been for a long time) where I can meet other parents on the school run etc. A lot of my colleagues are younger than me, and either have young children (and therefore no time to socialise) or are single and living a rather riotous life which isn't my thing. I rarely see the same people twice in the gym, and frankly I'm there to work out not chat :)