to be pissed off that it's all so unachievable?

[pissedoffwithitall]

I probably am I know.

I have a lot that people would envy - really good job that I enjoy (and pays well, albeit I work hard for it), a lovely home in a very good area, enough money that I can buy treats for me and the DC when I want/replace household stuff without worrying about the cost, my health and fitness, 2 DC, friends.

But I want a partner and another child. And it's basically too late (I might have another year or so's fertility left, but nothings going to change in that time!).

It's not like I haven't tried, I've had some short-term romantic encounters over past years, but none that developed into anything serious or long term. I could've had a baby on my own, but I've already done that twice, and I wanted it to be different this time.

I know several women who divorced/separated within the last couple of years (when I'd already been single for a fair while) and they are now remarried, with a baby (or in one case, 2) and yet I'm still in the same position. I just want a family (and yes, I know I already have one with my DC, but I want more than that) and it's not going to happen.

I've just walked past the local day nursery, and felt tears welling up seeing all the parents collecting their DC. That should be me, but it won't be.

This (as my life is) isn't what I want. But I can't see how I can change it, certainly not in the time I have left.

Why bother to have a child only to palm it off on someone else why you enjoy work? You said you barely saw the kids you already have, so why subject another tot to the same fate

selfish in the extreme.

And as for someone "literally being covered in red flags" Oh well at least everyone can see them coming along ... sniggers

Op. I know how you feel but do not give up! Im 36, last wknd was feeling shit about my age then I pulled a 21 year old who just did not believe my age. He is not the one as has gone away with forces but get yourself out there and have fun.

Also - if you are that busy - how would you find time for a relationship?
Even dating takes ages!

I know as I was single for over 4 years until recently. I met my DP on the internet. He is not ticking any of your boxes re looks or physique. But the rest of his qualities are well over average.
I bet if you saw him you would not take any notice - lucky me .

I am attracted to him because of those personality traits which make our relationship work. Kind, thoughtful, relaxed and listens to me.
Looks - who cares, what if your partner looses them (illness, accident etc.)? Would you just leave such person and move on?

Pissed I understand where your coming from, slightly different circumstances, but i feel i have a lot that people would envy, yet their are things out there that i desperately want, that like you said just seem so unachievable. One of them is a job that i enjoy! So, yes i am deeply envious!

Try and think of the Positive, why don't you think of three positive things each night before you go to bed? I am currently trying to!

The best thing I can suggest is to stop looking for a long-term partner.

I hate to trot out such a cliche but ime, men can smell a husband-hunter from a mile off...it's offputting.

I would personally keep searching dating websites, but do NOT look at any photos. Focus on what they're like, their hobbies and interests, the things you could share. Meet them with the intentions of building a friendship, not dragging him down the aisle two months in.

If you click, looks may become much less important to you.

Fuck off with the 'palming my kids off' seriously. I don't happen to think being a good parent means spending every waking hour with your child. And who knows, I might meet a man who fancied being a SAHD (I wouldn't have a problem with that, if it was something he wanted to do). I'll be mortgage free in a few years so won't need to work FT then anyway.

I'm not high maintenance, I'm just intelligent enough to know what I do and don't want. I don't feel there's anything wrong with that.

In response to the point about evenings, I try to make sure I am home by a similar-ish time every night to prepare the evening meal and eat with my DC, then do housework, unwind etc. One eve a week I already attend a class. I don't really feel I can give up more evenings, to spend up to 3 hours out of the house (having already been out for 10 hours or so at work). It's possible I could go and do something, but I suppose I feel my week is busy enough. At weekends I am often seeing friends, or helping DC with things, not every weekend but some, so I couldn't commit to every Sat doing voluntary work (which was what the volunteer organisation I contacted previously seemed to require).

I don't really see that as a bar to a relationship though, the last person I was involved with had a job which required him to work long hours, we saw each other at weekends only, which was fine with me. Until I had known someone sufficiently long to intro them to my DC (6 months or so) I wouldn't be able to see them in the week anyway (unless they happened to live or work near me).

As for meeting them as a friend, haha that's hilarious. I can only assume you have never tried internet dating! If you had, you wouldn't suggest anything quite so bizarre.

Although it's on a par with suggesting I'm a husband-hunter. I've never been married, I certainly don't give that impression, the opposite if anything (unlike 2 people I know who have been divorced 2/3 times respectively, and are now on their 3rd/4th marriages...yet funnily enough the fact they were very obviously looking to get married again didn't put men off!)

A new baby will not change what happened with your other DCs. It would mean you have less time and money for them now. I would concentrate on trying to make sure I was as good a mum to them as I could be.
Try not to waste time on regrets. Live in the moment.

Erm, no, it wouldn't mean I'd have less time and money! I've clearly said I wouldn't have a baby without a partner, so I would be sharing the load with him, both physically and financially, and I'd have up to 12 months paid mat leave. If anything my DC would be better off than they are now!

I really do find all this 'be grateful' stuff irritating. If I was in a relationship and wanted another child, I'd be being told that was totally understandable and to go for it, even if I was broke, living in a tiny house or whatever, but apparently because I've not been lucky enough to meet the right man, I'm unreasonable to even so much as want another child.

Those are some pretty unfair double standards!

I should add I think you have had it hard and hope you meet someone soon. These people you know who have married several times probably have had very unhappy relationships which are worse to live with than no relationship at all. You may not have had a partner to make you happy but you also have not had one to make you unhappy. Maybe waiting for someone who is a good match for you rather than marrying everyone you have a relationship with will pay off. I'm really glad I didn't marry someone sooner.

Okay. I think a lot of people are trying to help you feel better and your responses are coming across as a little angry and aggressive. Forget I joined the thread. I'm off.

You're confusing aggressive with assertive. I'm not a meek little mouse, and if I'm subjected to double standards, I'm clever enough to realise it, and bold enough to point it out.

The brief relationships I have had, fwiw, have brought plenty of unhappiness (DV,EA etc) so don't assume I've escaped all of that. I haven't.

You sound very sorry for yourself. Not sure why.

Despite a lot of effort, I don't have children nor a job I enjoy and my cat disappeared last week. I do, however, have a wonderful DH and a lovely house in a nice area.

Focus and be thankful for what you have. It is a lot more than a lot of people by the sound of it.

Finding a job you enjoy isn't that hard really, might require research/retraining/a few attempts at different roles, but it's a lot easier than finding a partner/having a baby.

People who can't understand why I'm not deliriously happy with my lot, I'd suggest they get divorced tomorrow, if being single is so absolutely great that I should be kicking my heels in glee every day. I doubt anyone would...because actually being single, forever, is a bit rubbish.

Like I said, I don't have an emergency contact. I haven't had one for 20 years. I'm the only person I know who doesn't. Even single friends have a parent, a sibling, etc.

Ok well, considering that 'what you want' seems to be very specific, there's no point getting angry because there are a limited pool of men who can meet your criteria, especially as you seem to consider yourself in a higher league to most of the men you have met/dated

Why can't you try donor sperm/fostering? I don't think there's anything wrong with a single woman wanting a baby, but if you really want one then it's unrealistic to expect this perfect man to show up and father it. Your mortgage will be paid off soon, surely you can cut back a bit on work/go part time- have a last baby and enjoy it.

I don't know how you come across in real life, but to be frank on this thread you're coming across in a very unappealing manner. You are dismissive of other people, don't appear grateful that people have tried to help you, and seem to think quite highly of yourself. You're defensive, insulting towards your friends and their husbands, and feel the world owes you something because you're "pretty". And you wonder why it's been so difficult for you to find a partner?

Look, you don't have to be simpering and girly to attract a loving partner. I certainly am not (am a high-achieving career woman) but I never had any trouble finding a partner when I decided I wanted one, which was later in life. What does help is being kind, compassionate, and not particularly selfish.

Hope that helps. You're welcome.

Disagreeing with people isn't putting them down. Nor is saying that the new partners of friends/acquaintances are not for me - in some cases given those men display a variety of unpleasant EA traits, it's a very reasonable comment. The others I believe I said were nice enough, just a bit wet, so not for me.

I don't see why I shouldn't think highly of myself, what an extraordinary (and very 'English') comment to make! I'm a very intelligent, very attractive, financially secure woman, with a great job (in which I have the respect of my colleagues, and frequently am requested to peer mentor junior staff because of my personal qualities). If I didn't think highly of myself with all that in my favour, I'm sure I'd be accused of lacking self-esteem :)

I'm not English, actually. Why do you think it is then that the men you get involved with don't want anything long term with you?

Leaving aside the unsuitable ones that I wouldn't want a relationship with, the majority of those I was interested un simply aren't looking for relationships - as I alluded to upthread. Some simply want an evening's dinner company, or a ONS, or some casual no-strings type arrangement which isn't for me. There's really nothing I could do differently to influence that.

I know of only 3 men I've dated in the last 7-8 years who have ended up in long-term relationships, 2 are with childless women in their late 20s/early 30s who are able/willing to change their plans to suit the men concerned at the drop of a hat, and being younger (and in far less well paid jobs) are perhaps much more easily impressed than I or another woman my age. The third is now married to a woman his/my age, we had a couple of dates but he was very passive and left all arrangements to me, which I felt uncomfortable with. His now wife apparently was quite happy to take the lead, but ultimately that's not a relationship I would want, if I felt I was the one making all the effort.

Why don't you try a high end introductions agency?

Yes, thats definitely a problem for fortysomething single women as the men our age often date much younger women. And I also thing there are a lot more weird, creepy, unpleasant men than there are weird, creepy, unpleasant women, creating further imbalance in the dating pool. Plus you are ruling out so many men for reasons that don't seem, from an outside perspective, terrible important.

Of the single men your age who aren't unpleasant and would be interested in you, you're ruling out half for being below average looks and most of the rest for being "wet". And when you describe what you bring to the table, you equate your positive traits as the same as the ones that make you successful at work. Men don't care about that stuff, except the looks part. I think most men want someone loving, compassionate, and fun. Do you have those qualities?

I guess my own husband is one who you would describe as passive. He's an incredibly kind person, passionate about his beliefs, works in the charity sector and doesn't make much money. I'm the one who brings in most of the cash, who looks after his interests when he has trouble asserting himself as he can stand up for others but not himself. He can't do DIY, has very little money of his own, but he does the grocery shopping and has just cleaned the whole house from top to bottom. He's not an alpha male, no, but he's hilarious, generous, honest, hardworking, and would move mountains for me if I asked him to.

Knights in shining armour don't exist. Heathcliff, Mr Darcy, and Mr Rochester are all fictional. You're going to have to either compromise or die single, I'm afraid. I guess it just depends on which option appals you the least?

I've thought about it. But I'm never sure those places are terribly geniune. Things I've read in the past seem to suggest that there are far more women than men. And the men are often Walter Mitty fantasists rather than anything else. And well-off as I am, I can't afford to (nor would I want to) waste a 4 figure sum on it, without being fairly sure it would succeed.

What I'd really like is a proper old-fashioned matchmaker :) not sure where I can find one though!

I don't expect a knight in shining armour. But I don't want a man I have to mother, or make all the decisions for either. I don't see it should be a choice between one or the other.

If I wasn't a caring and compassionate person my employers wouldn't choose me as a peer mentor, I wouldn't be so well-regarded by clients (for my friendly, no airs and graces manner etc). I'm not confusing anything with work. I'm simply giving examples that aren't based around my friends telling me how wonderful I am (they do) because I'm sure the response will be 'well of COURSE your friends say you're great'.

I'm not sure how in the abstract I can demonstrate these 'nice' qualities. I do care about people, I remember thoughtful details, I buy nice presents (based on things I remember they like), do things to help them, contact them when I know they've been going through hard times just to say hello and that I'm thinking of them. I'm sure you'll put that down and say but everyone does that: not in my experience. I don't do it for thanks, or any reason other than that I care.

I'm not at all serious, I like to have fun, and where I've got beyond a couple of dates with men, I've demonstrated that. The problem isn't really that men are rejecting me in favour of someone nicer/happier/whatever, it's that they're not looking for anyone. If I was Kylie crossed with Mother Teresa, it still wouldn't make me more of a success!

I don't want to date someone I don't find attractive, or respect. That wouldn't be fair on them. I don't think what I want is asking too much - I don't care what a man earns, how much personal wealth he has, whether or not he has a professional job or a degree, how tall he is (so long as he's my height), where he lives, if he has a car, if he's been married several times or never, how many children he has...there are so many ways in which I am not fussy at all (all of the above are criteria friends have or have had re men).

You come across as quite hard, but of course this is just an impression off an internet forum. Having been a LP, with a high-pressure job, having to be continually self-reliant throughout life with little/no family support, trying to be the best parent possible for your kids and meet your own very high standards, I can very well understand how you might get into your current mindset. I agree with NotJustaCigar that men generally look for kindness, compassion, shared interests, a sense of humour etc etc, not necessarily only the qualities of someone successful in the work environment.

Cross post with your second post! Perhaps you are just living in an area lacking suitable single men. Perhaps you have exhausted the available 'pool'! Maybe you should plan to move when your children are grown up? Or you could expand your area that you look in online?