to be pissed off that it's all so unachievable?

[pissedoffwithitall]

I probably am I know.

I have a lot that people would envy - really good job that I enjoy (and pays well, albeit I work hard for it), a lovely home in a very good area, enough money that I can buy treats for me and the DC when I want/replace household stuff without worrying about the cost, my health and fitness, 2 DC, friends.

But I want a partner and another child. And it's basically too late (I might have another year or so's fertility left, but nothings going to change in that time!).

It's not like I haven't tried, I've had some short-term romantic encounters over past years, but none that developed into anything serious or long term. I could've had a baby on my own, but I've already done that twice, and I wanted it to be different this time.

I know several women who divorced/separated within the last couple of years (when I'd already been single for a fair while) and they are now remarried, with a baby (or in one case, 2) and yet I'm still in the same position. I just want a family (and yes, I know I already have one with my DC, but I want more than that) and it's not going to happen.

I've just walked past the local day nursery, and felt tears welling up seeing all the parents collecting their DC. That should be me, but it won't be.

This (as my life is) isn't what I want. But I can't see how I can change it, certainly not in the time I have left.

OP, as other posters have said, you seem determined to reject any suggestions and ideas for changing things! Surely you could have thought of these things yourself but: take up a new sport, join a book club, am dram, hiking club, evening class, go on a group holiday with Exodus or Explore, become a Brown Owl or a Scout leader, volunteer for a charity, zumba, WI- just generally change your mindset to do something outside your normal routine and you should make friends without having to try too hard. If in London look at School of Life.

I don't really have free time in the evenings for classes or groups. I already do an exercise class (as well as the gym) but the other members keep very much to themselves, and are not really up for chitchat much less friendship!

Holidays for the next few years (when I can afford them) are taken with my DC, so I can't be going off on a group holiday.

I will look into volunteering again, but when I enquired previously the organisation needed a regular evening and weekend commitment which wasn't (and still isn't) possible.

I suppose the only ways I know people my age make friends is on the school run or at work, hence my question :) Wasn't trying to be difficult!

Evening classes?

My friends seem to have all met new men this way (and not on the motor cycle maintenance class either!). The trick it seems is to pick summat you've always wanted to have a go at, but never got the chance to when younger.

For me, I'm loving my OU course but it's not the same as face to face lessons for meeting new people - not necessarily dates, having recently relocated I need a few female natter buddies too. I will be volunteering with the Scouts later in the year, just to get to know other parents in my new village.

have you tried a singleton's coach tour of british historic sites - a close friend met someone lovely this way, but actually she only went cos she finally had the chance to learn some ancient history which had been a secret desire of hers since she was in her 20's. This is NOT the same as those desperate pick up a toyboy waiter trips to Turkey so many middle-aged women go on in approach or mindset at all.

Op you won't meet people at the gym so instead of that join a club. That can be a sport if you still want to be exercising or you can do something creative, learn a skill.

I'm not interested in sport - watching yes, playing not at all, so that wouldn't work, I need the gym for cardio etc exercise.

I don't really have free evenings to be able to do evening classes/clubs unfortunately, plus there isn't much in my immediate area. I'm sure I'll be told I'm defeatist, but I don't really think clubs and classes are the answer at this stage of my life, I would struggle to find the necessary time.

Have you thought about freezing some eggs you could possibly use at a later stage ?

It's a thought.

Assuming I still have any eggs left to freeze, that is (though I suppose finding out would clear up any uncertainty as to whether or not I am in any way fertile. And if not then it's one less thing to worry about).

Sport would give you cardio. It's a damn site more interesting than the gym! You just gotta find the right one.

If you are too busy at weekends and evenings to volunteer/join any clubs, how was having a baby going to fit into that?

I don't mean that in a negative way- just that you seem to have a full, active life already.

You have worked hard and raised two DC to adulthood- ok, they may feel sad at not having a father figure when they were little, but they seem to be independent and doing well for themselves.

You seem to be looking for fulfillment, and focusing on a partner and another child as the road to that- but you might find there are other ways- a career change, travel?

Tbh it sounds to me like you want another dc to assuage any guilt from not getting stuck in the first time round, rather than because you enjoyed it so much you want it again.

I got stuck in plenty thanks - I'm assuming you're not a LP from that comment? (Or if you are, one of those mythical ones who gets so well provided for your ex that you barely need to work).

I did every night waking, every feed, on my own. Would I like to do it again, but with a supportive partner? Of course.

I missed most of their school stuff because I used half my 20 days annual leave on their illnesses, leaving only enough to cover my CMs holidays, and not for afternoons off to go to sports days or parents evenings (which was always at 3pm, never in the actual evening). Would I like the chance again, now I get more holiday, more money (so I can afford to take unpaid leave) and have a more flexible job, so could do the stuff most parents take for granted? Yes, of course.

I think that's the rub for a lot of people. By the time you earn a decnt wage you're getting too old to enjoy it! A bit like when they say youth is wasted on the young. That's life.

Have you considered getting a dog? A baby substitute perhaps and you might meet your life partner out on a walk.

It's not just life really though is it, not for a lot of people. I've missed more than most I think. On the plus side in 5 years I will own my house outright. But it doesn't stop me wishing I could do it again, from a better position.

I've considered a dog, but there is no-one here during the day, and that wouldn't be fair to him or her. We looked into getting a rescue a couple of years back, and the centre said that they wouldn't rehome one to us for that reason. Sadly I don't have the sort of job that allows me to take a dog to work!

Read some of these for inspiration www.eharmony.co.uk/success/stories

Then at least take a look at your matches www.eharmony.co.uk/online/?cid=53549&aid=1000&pid=1234049361_dt&KEYWORD=eharmony&kid=1234049361&mt=e&pcrid=23831136429&keyword=eharmony&gclid=CKqAo4_Kx70CFUmWtAodkWkAG

From your responses you sound like you're determined to fail to find a partner so I don't know why I keep trying to convince you that you just need to be a little more persistent. Perhaps because your attitude reminds me of my own a bit before I met DH. Of course it will seem impossible and pointless.... until you do meet someone, which is almost inevitable if you put in the effort. Then it will seem as if it were meant to be all along and "I'd almost given up" will just be part of your story.

My DH proposed to me on my 40th birthday and I could cry to think how easily I might have given up on online dating and never found him.

I've 'put in the effort' for over half a decade, more in fact, and it's got me a few very short lived flings, no relationships.

Of course that could all change tomorrow, but it's likely it won't.

I've tried eharmony before; I got no matches. Also I don't like the idea that it obliges you to email people without seeing their photos, I am really quite pretty (as are friends who tried eharmony; the men they were matched with were not, at all). You can say I'm shallow but I don't want to settle for a man I don't find attractive. I've tried it and it ended badly.

I think you need to refocus your life and start enjoying what you do have, otherwise you will look back and regret all the regretting. You are letting your life slip away in the I wish I wish.... We all wish. Great quote earlier "Life gives you some of the stuff you want then gives you some of the stuff you didn't want."

Dating? Just enjoy the variety and the fun. You are seeking somebody to fit a vacancy and that will never work. Men can smell the over keenness.

What about having a dog for the weekend? I think you can have a in-training guide dog for the blind, you have them for the weekend and they go to school in the week.

That's bollocks re men. It's not my 'fault' I can't meet a man. It's not like they're looking for a relationship ib the main (the few that are, tend to have narcissistic traits needing a childless woman who will dance attention on them/be free to trail round after them rather than having a life of her own. Which isn't me. Or they're so insecure they couldn't cope with a woman with my job/looks, so pick someone who they perceive as easier to hang on to).

I get by, day to day. I do enjoy my life on one level, I don't sit in a fog of depression, why would I? I have a lot more than most people. Would I give up the money and lifestyle for another baby with the right man? Quite possibly.

But fuck it, why shouldn't I want someone to love (in a romantic sense) ? Do you know how it feels to be utterly alone? Because I do. I've never had anyone to put as my emergency contact. Never been properly in love, let alone been married. I can like the life I have, but because I have a modicum of intelligence, I can't be anything other than acutely aware of what I've missed.

OP, ignore the snarkers telling to to count your blessings - yes, most of us have in global terms pretty nice lives, but yes, it's okay to feel sad at big things you feel you've missed out on in life. You say you're pretty - could it be that men are put off approaching you because of that? It definitely sounds like you need to try something different in terms of socialising. Can you get friends to matchmake you with a few people? Could you try something cheesy like ballroom dancing or some kind of hobby where lots of guys hang out, however dull? What is your job in? Is there a possibility of a secondment/conference/project where you might meet new people, go out for dinner, stay away from home? I know there's childcare to think of - but it sounds like you need to try a new tack.

My DC are the only children they know, have ever known, in a single parent household.

IMHO it is quite rare I have to say that each of them in their class/school haven't met kids of single parents

If you pay for an eharmony membership it lets you see photos of your matches before you email them. If you got no matches it's because you input a very narrow selection criteria.

Actually I think that's the issue you're having in general, perhaps. I'm not saying you're too picky because if you're only attracted to very attractive men then you shouldn't have to pretend to be attracted to someone you aren't. However of course it makes things much harder as the vast majority of middle aged men are not stereotypically conventionally handsome. I think with most women (and at least with me) the more I like a mans personality the more handsome I find him. It would be very tough if that weren't the case.

I also think that if you won't "settle" because you're pretty then it's such a shame you're pretty. Because it seems to be preventing you from having someone to love.

I agree. Sounds like what you need to fulfil your wishes is someone kind and loving who would make a great dad to your existing DC and a new baby. These are not things you can judge from a photo and they are most definitely more 'attractive' qualities than being pretty. How did all your friends who remarried find their new partners? Would you have 'settled' for similar? I might be wrong but you sound like a friend of mine who hasn't found a partner and hasn't had any DC at 40 despite being very pretty and having a great job and she's sad and baffled about it, but in truth is very self-obsessed and is looking for someone to love her not someone she can love and make happy. It's unappealing enough to outweigh all her good points for guys who initially fancy her. As I say, I could be misreading but the attractiveness by a photo thing is not gonna help.

It may seem unlikely, but I can assure you where I live, single parents are a TINY minority. Several of the DC's friends have divorced parents, but they are all now remarried/living with new partners. Hence the DC (uncomfortably) stand out.

And because it's such a happily married area, my friends never know any single men to introduce me to. What single ones there are, are invariably single for a reason (one has severe depression and can't contemplate a relationship, there's another who is a regular drug user...and so on) A male friend has said when asked none of his friends are good enough for me.

I meet new people through work all the time, always married however.

I don't want Brad Pitt, or some male model type. I do expect a man who is at least averagely attractive, a decent physique (not some ripped 6 pack but not one who's let himself go completely to seed either), certain level of intelligence, manners, kindness, personality, and the list goes on. I feel I bring a decent amount to the table, and I would want similar in a partner.

I have been on dates with men who seemed 'nice' but who I knew I found unattractive from their photos. In flesh they were no better, the dates were toe-curlingly awful, and I couldn't wait to escape. I have also had dates/brief relationships with men I didn't find hugely attractive at first (the difference there was I was indifferent to them initially, rather than finding them actively unappealing).

As to people who I know have met partners/remarried in recent years, this was through work/online dating/special interest clubs. Would I have been interested in any of those men? Not in the least. Some aren't that nice and have too many red flags for me. The others are well, just a bit wet, very passive. Not my type at all.

OP I am struck by you saying down thread that you "don't really have free evenings". Your DC are older teenagers so you can leave them to their own devices. Why don't you have any free evenings? Are you working too hard? And if you literally have no free evnings, how would you cope with a new baby?

"As to people who I know have met partners/remarried in recent years, this was through work/online dating/special interest clubs. Would I have been interested in any of those men? Not in the least."

Well then there's no mystery about why you're still single when all those other separated women have remarried. Their standards are very different (although they have managed to locate available guys in your area so they do exist). So I guess you're right. What you're looking for does seem unachievable. But it's still worth coming at it from the other end and seeing what is achievable (and indeed what you have achieved) and wanting that. You might be less pissed off.

You sound very high maintenance OP. Sometimes we need to examine our own actions/behaviour before we can move forward