To ask what else was on the memo to all womankind that I clearly missed?

[Pipbin]

Last I heard fanjos could only be washed in pure water and even the thought of soap would give you thrush. Now it seems it's fine to scrub them with wire wool and dettol.
Also, it used to be ok to just trim the hair that might poke out around your knickers, but now all body hair is evil and must be removed via hot wax.
And then I read on MN that washing up in a bowl and then putting it on the draining board like they used to in the fairy adverts is all wrong and we should be washing up under running water.
And while we are about it, what the fuck is quinoa and more to the point how did everyone else know how to say it?

So what else was on this memo that I missed?

Ummm! Here's a few I've picked up from other Mums -

You shouldn't shit anywhere but in your own home!

Must always wear matching underwear, BUT only so you feel attractive to yourself!!! Not for a man!!!! WTF?

Don't wash your hands in public toilets, there more germs on the soap dispenser pump than in your own pee!

Use tissue to open public toilet doors!

Don't eat spaghetti in public, it looks revolting to other people

Be aware... visible hard skin on the heals and non painted toenails in sandals is as disgusting as shitting in the street!!!!

You must always cook from scratch and a medium chicken will last a family of 4 for a week.

I made a joke to my boss at work last week about my DS's eating habits, and I said that my DS only likes eating couscous and quinoa, but I pronounced it kwinoah! I've only ever seen to word written, on MN or in the Guardian, and never heard anyone say it out loud

You don't know how to say quinoa? You missed that memo!

Don't forget that if you have children under the age of 28 then you are a 'young mum', however by the age of 34 you must have at least one 8 year old.

Oh and everyone has a friend who was all lined up for IVF but got pregnant before it started.

All body hair must be removed because it is disgusting and you look like an ape.

You must buy favours for your special day.

You must call it your special day. Extra marks for saying it while simpering.

Drinking alcohol is hilarious and deserves a thread all of its own.

Oh, and when did children's parties go from being a dozen class mates over for jelly, ice cream and cake and become some huge affair in some soft play place? I was talking to one mum who was quite bemused at the idea of just having children playing in the back garden.

And while I'm about it, being child free I have no idea what 'soft play' actually is. From what I read on here it is akin to the seventh circle of hell.

That you can be entitled, not in the conventional sense to, say, a bus pass or child benefit, and it is not a good thing. As in, 'how f*ing entitled are they?'

If anyone ever tells you that you are entitled then you are in serious trouble and no MNetter will ever think good of you again.

But you must insist that you remove body hair purely because you feel cleaner that way, taking tremendous offence at any suggestion you may have been influenced, directly or indirectly, by pornified media. Even better if you have no sex partner, which proves it, have never had a sex partner, and have given birth. At this point you may smugly comment that the midwife complimented your stubbly baby-faced fanjo. And you will be called a liar.

That it is nigh on impossible to eat a reasonable amount of fruit OR veg a day mainly because it is so expensive and difficult to source in many parts of the UK, including cities, without trekking over mountain high, valley low, & river deep. In fact the UK is a veritable desert of vegetables with marauding crowds to be found storming every high street in search of veg, & vigilantes guarding what precious little peas carrots & sprouts are available (uh oh - but these are 'unfashionable' veg, methinks). Hence we are vindicated in buying non-veggy food. Who cares if its expensive? That only counts when its veg..

My children wear clothes more than once before I wash them.
Teatowels and knickers go in the same wash.
I have a bog brush.
And fairy lights.....

There is no hope for me, is there?

oh and you must never ever use a bar of soap. Because it's got germs. And you'll catch blight, or Dutch elm disease or plague from it.

Oh, and that outside London is just fields, no cities or towns, just tiny villages.

CorusKate, I pretty much boil it for everything. I don't fry it afterwards, just boil it with say, carrots and onions for mince and spuds, carrots, peas and onions for shepherd's pie, etc. Usually do that the night before so I can scoop the cold solidified fat off the surface of the water(mmm). Now that I think of it, it's probably much less tasty done like that, but having watched my Mum do it that way it honestly never occurred to me to do it differently . Didn't realise that I had absorbed my Mum's cooking habits so much! Though in my defence, at least I don't overcook every vegetable into mush a la Mummy Dearest .

poii, oh yes, Weimys seem to love leaping on you and going in for a big snog. Our dear boy did it once immediately after his dinner. I had to brush my teeth several times to get rid of the taste of dog food... Thank fuck he has dry food, if he tongued me with a mouth riddled with lamb chunks in jelly I'd probably still be puking .

Do you just put it in a pan full of water,like you do when boiling eggs?

The mince, needsasock? Yes, I just plonk it in to a pot full of cold water and 'fluff' it up a bit with a fork (then add the required veggies, depending on what I'm cooking) and boil it. I expect MNers the length and breadth of the country are getting the dry heaves reading that . It's delicious though.

How to wrap presents naicely.

How to tie a scarf stylishly.