to plan to meet for lunch at a time that fits in with my 18 month old?

[backtotheplanet]

My parents are retired and my sister works for 1 hour a day in the late afternoon and is currently studying part time. They wanted to arrange to meet for lunch in a restaurant where they live which is no problem for me at all. I suggested meeting at 12 so I can get my active 18 month old DS1 settled and started on lunch, in the hope of keeping him occupied and avoiding over hungry and tired meltdowns and this was all agreed.

My Sister called the evening before and asked to if it was possible move the time because 12 is a 'bit early for her' and she has been a bit 'nocturnal' recently (she doesn't have children btw). Unfortunately my explanation of why I had suggested 12 didn't go down well (it was not the immediate agreement was hoping for) and although we could have been a little flexible with the times, I didn't get the chance to work it out. She very quickly lost her temper and in the end she called off the lunch.

This is not the first time my family have expressed mild shock at arriving anywhere this early in the day and I'm finding myself in a difficult position. My son wakes at 7, generally eats around 12 and sleeps around 1:30 -3:30 /4. My family really don't do mornings and its always difficult to find a suitable time to make everyone happy. We can be much more flexible in each others houses but restaurants are one of those places that my son just wants to explore and run around in. He will eat, but not sleep and can do about 30 mins max in the high chair. For other reasons that I won't go into my mum wanted to meet in a restaurant this time.

AIBU to ask my family to meet a bit earlier so that we can eat lunch at a time that fits in with my son? Is 12 really too early?

When I apologized to my mum for the lunch being called off she did say 'well, lunch is usually at 1 o'clock'

I am feeling really disappointed that my family, who don't seem to have any obstacles to getting to the restaurant at 12, other than what time they get up in the day, can't be more understanding.

I have to assume from this thread that my DCs received a very unusual upbringing. The concept of mealtimes and nap-times simply didn't exist. They ate and napped whenever, as fitted in with what was going on each day! I do remember suspecting at the time that my parenting style was a bit different, as other people bought massive cars to fit all the baby gear in that they felt was needed for a well planned day out, whereas we waltzed off at 2 minutes' notice with a small plastic bag containing the couple of baby essentials!

Would it be possible to do what cestlavie suggests –feed your son at his usual lunchtime and then eat with your family while he naps in his buggy in the restaurant?

I do think your family sound inflexible though, and almost as though they do this sort of thing to make a point. But I'm not sure what point.

But I don't think it is as simple as saying some people get their DC to adapt to them. My DD is very adaptable - I've scandalised a fair few people by telling them that she gets up at 8, has a snack around 4 not dinner, then eats (BLW) together with me and DH at 6:30-7pm, before a bath and bed at 8-8:30. This works really well for us (despite catsbum faves all round from friends and family who believe babies should be in bed at 6), and DD is happy and flexible and mostly ungrumpy. However she does need to have a nap between 12:30 and 2-ish or she is exhausted and fretful. We are flexible about it so she doesn't always nap exactly on schedule, but it isn't a lot to ask at all for her to have a nap around the right time. I'm under no illusion that once she's at nursery we will have to adapt to an earlier and more rigid routine. I know plenty of small DC who depend on their routines, especially once at nursery or school, and it isn't at all easy for them to adapt or to overlook low blood sugar or tiredness.

Tiny children just don't have the capacity to be completely flexible - whereas adults do. And these people are the OP's family - it is meant to be a family occasion, not a childfree black tie event!

ithaka there is no such thing as 'normal'. For example, I woke at 6.30 and had breakfast by 7am. I then cleaned my oven before heading to the gym where I swam for a mile. I'm still not hungry and there's no way I'd want my lunch in 40mins / 12 o'clock.

Some would think that weird. I would disagree as it's normal for me.

well I put my little kids needs first! I didn't expect others to so would t have gone to a meal that didn't suit me or them.

they are only little for a while so what's the biggie here.

mine are now grown up flexible happy adults.

you do what you do to get by when they are little.

op your family sound lazy and wierd to be honest.

if 12 is too early they need to look at themselves.

Surely when you invite someone out to lunch with their toddler, you expect to need to make the occasion somewhat toddler friendly. Just like you'd expect to have to be a bit more flexible about timings for someone who is working night shift or whatever.

For a grown woman to throw a temper tantrum because she's been asked to get up an hour earlier than she'd like (but still a big lie in for most people) is pretty ridiculous.

I think you need to put it in context, Calamitous. We don't know of course, but it may well be that since the OP's DS was born the DSis has constantly been expected to arrange her life to suit the OP, and this was simply the last straw. Some families are very precious about babies and children, and that's hard on the childless sibling.

Fiscal let him join the table for a bit more for at 1 or 2

What do you suggest she does with the toddler whilst she has lunch if he isn't at the table? This is a resturant, she can't just let him wander off free range.

We can only go on the OP (who says she would have suggested another time if her sister hadn't thrown a tantrum first) though.

If her family think she's being irritatingly PFB, then they could raise it with her without throwing a hissy fit.

We went for lunch on Sunday with my neice who is 2 this summer and they put her in buggy and walked to restaurant she fell asleep, we all ate and when she woke up an hour and a bit later ordered food for her.

But I know not all children will sleep in buggies.

What about doing a late lunch OP, at 2pm and putting your DS down for his nap a bit earlier at 12...? You could give him a substantial snack or sandwich at 11:30 before he sleeps and then he could eat something with you later on?

I'm also not at all convinced that eating lunch a little bit early once in a blue moon is actually 'hard' on an adult sibling. If you have to be there at 12, you're probably eating at 12.30 (or later). Eating 30 minutes early isn't a huge deal, and probably far better than eating with a grizzly toddler who needs a nap for the sake of 30 minutes.

And I really don't have any sympathy for someone who works one hour a day and studies part time just because they've been asked to get up before noon. It reminds me of the students I see who argue that 10 is far too early for classes, and 3pm ludicrously late.

If your sister ever has kids OP, make sure you stick rigidly to 1pm family dinners. Tell your sister you have been a bit nocturnal recently, so there can be no flexibilty for toddlers needing naps. Your nocturnal habits must come first.

DS is nearly 3 and I can count on one hand the number of times he has slept in the buggy. Thankfully DD is more flexible about where she sleeps, so it's not my parenting that's 'at fault'.

yes, Dinosaur I do think your parenting in this respect is different from many - different, but not better.

It worked well for the children, me and other people too. So in that respect better. I think that flexibility is better than inflexibility.

which is the same for most people - they parent in the way that is better for them and their DC (if it happens to be better for all and sundry, great).

Your way would not have been better for me, and I think not better for DD. I guess it might have been better for the odd occasion when DD was a toddler that I went out for a meal with someone who didn't have kids, but I can't parent on that basis. And I never came across anyone who didn't mind having to do things slightly differently to fit in with DD - didn't happen much, rarely happens at all these days.

Each to his own, obviously. But the thought of not going out for the day because DC had to have a nap at a certain hour. Or having to plan the day around arriving at a café at a precise time because DC's routine meant having to eat then. And having to be back in time for DC's early bedtime. Etc etc. All completely unnecessary and must affect people's lives for years on end.

How late do your family sleep in?! Since when was midday considered early? Even before I had a child I wouldn't sleep in til after 12, lazy sod.

And lol at small plastic bag with a couple of essentials. My 7mo still poops up her back a few times a week requiring a full change of clothes, as did DS until he was potty trained. Lots of stuff is essential not just for fun!

I would have thought that the ADULTS could accommodate the needs of a much younger member of their family. They could get up a little earlier, or skip breakfast and just have lunch. If they don't want to be reasonable, don't eat out with them. Simples! Your sister sounds rather entitled to be honest.

All we needed was 1) tiny travel mat to change the toddler on, 2) small pack wipes, 3) spare nappy (1 or 2), 4) small plastic bag to put dirty nappy in. If you like, add 1 spare babygro. Sorted for a day out. All that will fit in a small plastic bag.

Random DS sitll occasionally does that. We carry two babygrows/onesies in addition to the nappies/wipes. Its hardly a vast quantity of stuff, I think the only other thing we take is a sippy cup (when we remember) and a bib (even rarer to remember that) and the sky doesn't fall in.

I did the same dinosaur but hadn't realised it was something to boast/gloat about as you seem to be. just worked for our family. Wouldn't for others.

YANBU. I wouldn't go and would give them all this response.

Dear Family, really sorry you can't make the exception on this occasion to meet for lunch at 12 to accommodate DS's schedule. He won't be this age forever, so any compromising, which I'm very grateful for, is short lived. But as it is, he and I will have a lovely lunch at home together instead. He's great fun to be with and it's a shame you are all missing out on his company.