to plan to meet for lunch at a time that fits in with my 18 month old?

[backtotheplanet]

My parents are retired and my sister works for 1 hour a day in the late afternoon and is currently studying part time. They wanted to arrange to meet for lunch in a restaurant where they live which is no problem for me at all. I suggested meeting at 12 so I can get my active 18 month old DS1 settled and started on lunch, in the hope of keeping him occupied and avoiding over hungry and tired meltdowns and this was all agreed.

My Sister called the evening before and asked to if it was possible move the time because 12 is a 'bit early for her' and she has been a bit 'nocturnal' recently (she doesn't have children btw). Unfortunately my explanation of why I had suggested 12 didn't go down well (it was not the immediate agreement was hoping for) and although we could have been a little flexible with the times, I didn't get the chance to work it out. She very quickly lost her temper and in the end she called off the lunch.

This is not the first time my family have expressed mild shock at arriving anywhere this early in the day and I'm finding myself in a difficult position. My son wakes at 7, generally eats around 12 and sleeps around 1:30 -3:30 /4. My family really don't do mornings and its always difficult to find a suitable time to make everyone happy. We can be much more flexible in each others houses but restaurants are one of those places that my son just wants to explore and run around in. He will eat, but not sleep and can do about 30 mins max in the high chair. For other reasons that I won't go into my mum wanted to meet in a restaurant this time.

AIBU to ask my family to meet a bit earlier so that we can eat lunch at a time that fits in with my son? Is 12 really too early?

When I apologized to my mum for the lunch being called off she did say 'well, lunch is usually at 1 o'clock'

I am feeling really disappointed that my family, who don't seem to have any obstacles to getting to the restaurant at 12, other than what time they get up in the day, can't be more understanding.

I would have done the same. At that age, there would have been times when my son would have dozed off happily in his pushchair, but others when he would have been inconsolable and ruined lunch for everyone because he needed all my attention. I've had far too many miserable meals where I ended up going home hungry because a clingy, fractious, teething baby wouldn't go to anyone else, so I ended up having to take him out and never managed to eat two consecutive bites of my own meal. An hour or an hour and a half at that time of day can make all the difference, and if your family had no reason other than laziness to prefer a later time, you did nothing at all wrong.

What Thumb said.

As a childfree 'owl' I empathise with your family members. I wouldn't go as far as making a war out of lunch at 12, but it could well be stressful & uncomfortable on a bad day. My immediate thought was "Go at 12, with DS, do what you have to do, and I'll get there by 1 o'clock at the latest."

That's OK, isn't it?

Hmm, I am going to go against the grain here but I don't think people should arrange their lives around toddler mealtimes. Could he not just have a snack to keep him going till 1pm? If you have to be so rigid it makes life hard on yourselves and everyone else. What do you do on holidays, or on days after the clocks change?

Yeah, but also if you are a late riser you aren't ready for your lunch at 12. I think it needs to be a compromise on all sides. And if lunch doesn't suit as a way of meeting for a few years/months with certain people, you meet other ways instead. Brunch can be good - 11.30 suits the tinies and the adults don't feel like they are having a stupidly early lunch.

I don't think people should arrange their lives around an adult who can't get up in the morning.

GarlicMarchHare you don't know how much I wish that your idea would work! It could keep everyone happy and I don't blame you for suggesting it.

Unfortunately keeping DS1 entertained once they've arrived after being there for an hour or so already would be tough. And the point of lunch is to spend some time together which would be made quite difficult whilst we try and entertain a bored toddler.

I guess it depends on who is likely to throw the bigger tantrum, Aventurine - and in this case it seems to have been the "adult" sister!

Lunch at 12 is early, and it does seem a little unreasonable to expect three people to have a meal they aren't ready for for the sake of one toddler.

But your sister sounds like a demanding drama queen.

ceev I think the eating time wasn't the only issue. Eating at 1pm would cause a problem too as OP says DC has a nap 1:30-3:30.

Problem solved then, nap in buggy next to table

Are my DCs the only toddlers in the world that are flexible on meals and nap times? Must be just lucky.

Quiet - but the OP also wants them to be done in time for her DS to nap at 1.30. And says he will run around after. So a later lunch for adults isnt' going to work. Although I agree coffee and a cake at 11.30 might be a good option, with the toddler having his lunch.

My dd is much like the ops, we have meals and naps at set times, and if we don't she goes into meltdown mode.. I don't like it, but she clearly likes the schedule so all I can do is stick to it.. Although thankfully my family are a bit more understanding. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, me and my db go for lunch often, and my dd naps then has lunch, so often 1.30/2ish, which is late for him.. But he accepts it because he wants to spend time with us!! I think for one meal every now and again your family should be flexible for the youngest member of the family!
(And my dd doesn't, and never has, slept in her pushchair..)

Id say you can do lunch later but it will need to be at yours while your ds sleeps and suggest they bring something (one of you do sandwiches/wraps), the other salad and the other something sweet.

Or stick to the origional (sensible) plan.

ceevee - I don't think arranging one meal around an toddler is arranging their lives around it - is it?

At this age lots of toddlers aren't very flexible. But they won't be 18 months old for long! DD is 4 and for at least a year or even longer we can easily have lunch at 1 or 2 without meltdowns happening - it doesn't last for ever.

Interesting that some people think it's a shocker for lives to be arranged around what suits the needs of a small child best, but fine to do the same around the wants of an adult.

Is it a one off though? Get the impression from the op that this is an ongoing issue, and really 12 is far too early for most people to eat lunch.
And I wouldn't say I think it's a "shocker" to arrange around one child, just a bit precious really.

it does seem a little early, our 18m old DD wouldnt eat at 12:00 - its too early for her but you obviously have your routine - cant believe how many people are saying yes thats the time they eat... erm not them all. i think you both need to compromise a little, moving lunch to 12:30 isnt a big issue for either i wouldnt have thought.

its interesting that you mention she doesnt have kids, sorry but I dont think people should work around people with kids all the time - its not as if people with kids are more important and everyone should work around them.

I don't get the impression that it's happening enough to affect their lives, though. And who are 'most people' - I ate lunch at 12 all living at home (till 18), my mum still does (though she doesn't have to, of course), DH and I are happy to a lot of the time. I think your 'most people' refers to who are too selfish to realise that with a child who is still really a baby, their needs trumps your wants, for that one bloody meal? Sure, someone's being precious but it ain't that baby or that parent.

12 is very early for lunch for people who aren't at work. I find such a tight routine for a toddler a bit odd, but then my DCs never had any kind of routine, so we wouldn't have had a problem just working round other people, for instance giving the child a snack mid-morning, and then lunch at 1.

Your adult sister seems to be throwing a worst tantrum than your toddler. She should be able to contain herself. At 18mo your toddler is doing very well to put up with restaurant and behaving in public, so accommodating his eating and sleeping habits should not be a big deal.

I'd hate to eat lunch at 12. I have breakfast around 7 but I'm just not hungry by 12pm. I'd be ok with 12.30 because by the time you're all in, sitting down, ordered and eating it would be closer to 1pm. That would still be early for me so there'd be compromise on both sides.

YANBU - what the "adults shouldn't have to compromise for children" contingent are forgetting is that a bored/ hungry/ overtired 18 month old will require 80% of your attention during a later meal, to ensure he isn't disrupting other diners. This means you will basically not be able to pay much attention to the other adults, so might as well not be there at all. Working on the principle adults shouldn't have to alter their plans to accommodate a toddler doesn't actually benefit the adults either - unless they don't actually want to talk yo you. Many toddlers don't have an "off" switch allowing them to be put to nap in a pushchair in a new and stimulating environment (though some will presumably obligingly nap to allow adults child free lunches, many would require a good long stretch of beimg walked to sleep if expected to sleep in the buggy).

I'm not at work, we have lunch at 12. That's the time 18mo DS2 is ready for it, so that's what we do. It's also the time we get back from playgroup 2 days a week, so it fits in perfectly.