to plan to meet for lunch at a time that fits in with my 18 month old?

[backtotheplanet]

My parents are retired and my sister works for 1 hour a day in the late afternoon and is currently studying part time. They wanted to arrange to meet for lunch in a restaurant where they live which is no problem for me at all. I suggested meeting at 12 so I can get my active 18 month old DS1 settled and started on lunch, in the hope of keeping him occupied and avoiding over hungry and tired meltdowns and this was all agreed.

My Sister called the evening before and asked to if it was possible move the time because 12 is a 'bit early for her' and she has been a bit 'nocturnal' recently (she doesn't have children btw). Unfortunately my explanation of why I had suggested 12 didn't go down well (it was not the immediate agreement was hoping for) and although we could have been a little flexible with the times, I didn't get the chance to work it out. She very quickly lost her temper and in the end she called off the lunch.

This is not the first time my family have expressed mild shock at arriving anywhere this early in the day and I'm finding myself in a difficult position. My son wakes at 7, generally eats around 12 and sleeps around 1:30 -3:30 /4. My family really don't do mornings and its always difficult to find a suitable time to make everyone happy. We can be much more flexible in each others houses but restaurants are one of those places that my son just wants to explore and run around in. He will eat, but not sleep and can do about 30 mins max in the high chair. For other reasons that I won't go into my mum wanted to meet in a restaurant this time.

AIBU to ask my family to meet a bit earlier so that we can eat lunch at a time that fits in with my son? Is 12 really too early?

When I apologized to my mum for the lunch being called off she did say 'well, lunch is usually at 1 o'clock'

I am feeling really disappointed that my family, who don't seem to have any obstacles to getting to the restaurant at 12, other than what time they get up in the day, can't be more understanding.

Meals don't have to revolve around kids, but really given the setup here I can't see why they couldn't do lunch at 12 - it's not that early and if it will save their grandkid/nephew from being grumpy then why not. I think they've been unreasonable.

he was taught to be flexible from a young age

Well, congratulations on being a better parent than everyone else, Professor (the clue is in your name, clearly)!! I'm not sure what you mean by training your kids to be flexible. My DS was always flexible and would snooze in restaurants and nap in his stroller up until about 9 months old. Then he started to get aware of the world and get active and wanting to be out of his chair and cruising. We tried to keep up our easy-breezy parenting style and stay flexible but after one too many trips to restaurants with DS melting down and screeching and embarrassing exits for us we just accepted that he preferred to nap at home. Almost all the parents of toddlers that I know are the same.

If your children happen to be flexible, then that's great. Good for them. Don't assume it's because of your superior parenting skills and ability to 'train' your children. That's ridiculous. It's just the luck of the draw. There are parents I know with one kid who's flexible and not bothered by routine at all and one kid who is much more routine-oriented. It's just the child's personality.

You know what annoys me a HELL of a lot more than precious parents trapped in their children's routine? Precious parents who think that their children's ability to sit in restaurants or nap in a stroller or eat at any time in any place is down to their brilliant parenting and superior approach. It's really smug and really annoying.

They were inflexible but then so were you. Couldn't he have had his lunch or a snack earlier and then had his nap whilst you ate?

Dinosaursareextinct Mon 31-Mar-14 18:28:53

I don't really get the insistence on routine. It's perfectly possible to fit children around what you want or need to do. And it's very annoying of people with children to assume that their (unnecessary) child routines should always take precedence.

Dd is the opposite and won't nap in her cot under any circumstances. Maybe we were always out and about too much for her to get used to it. But it works well for lunch and coffee out.

Always love these 'let the child sleep in the buggy' answers. Cos it's that simple!

I had about a year of being really rigid with routine, because if we missed the nap window it wouldn't happen and there would be whingeing, crying and wailing all afternoon and it was just horrible. Once DD dropped her nap at the age of 2.5 we weren't so routine driven. But until then it just wasn't worth it.

But it is that simple for my daughter. It's the only place she'll nap!

I'm sure if the OP's toddler was the sort who easily fell asleep in a buggy next to the table, she would have thought of this solution.

Most children of 18 months don't go off to sleep in a public place with lots of distractions. I have four and none of mine have done this.

I can see two sides to the original problem. I think your sister is being a total baby and v lazy too if she can't manage to get out of bed for a 12 o'clock meeting. As you are the one with the small child and they don't have any fixed commitments, the decent thing would have been to be flexible around you and him.

I do, however, agree with the posters who say that, generally speaking, life shouldn't be dictated by small children's routines. I was probably like this with child no.1 but figured out along the way that toddlers can be flexible if you simply plan a bigger snack/bottle of milk or earlier nap time. Couldn't you try having an active morning, then putting your toddler down for a nap at around 11am and getting him up at 1pm say? That has worked absolutely fine with mine, no melt downs.

not everyone is you Dinosaur - I was a rather anxious new mum and I found routine to be beneficial for both me and DD. Of course, there were odd times when it was a bit restrictive, but luckily most people I know are fairly reasonable about things like when to have lunch, and it wasn't like it was a frequent occurance. And I became more confident and DD grew up and it isn't an issue any more.

But I'm glad I didn't have people like this around me, else I might not have made it out at all .

Oh and what AveryJessup said x 1000

But it is that simple for my daughter. It's the only place she'll nap!

Well yes, for you, but obviously it doesn't work for everyone, which is why the answers of 'just let him sleep in the buggy' are so daft - the OP would've thought of that before, surely?

It seems that all the people suggesting the OP is being unreasonable either do not have children or have been blessed with flexible children who will nap in their buggies! YANBU - lunch in a restaurant with a grumpy toddler is not fun for anyone.

I can relate to this! A possible solution would be for you to get there for 12, feed your DC whilst you have a coffee then rock him to sleep in his pram whilst you wait for the others then you could all have lunch together at half one whist he sleeps. Would this work?

We arrange family lunches for 1.30/2pm or even later. DS naps around 11-12 (depending on what time he wakes, he is an early riser) and I load him up on snacks before his nap so he's not hungry. Has his nap then he has lunch.

This has probably been said but not all toddlers 'just nap in a buggy'. Must be bliss when they do, ha! YANBU OP.

I'm amused that your toddler's routine has to be flexible because your dsis's isn't.

And I can cope with ds out if routine, its just harder work and less likely to stay sat for as long. Life is much easier when he's had a good nap.

If your child is already 'scheduled', then obviously a change to that schedule is likely to result in a painful experience. And backtotheplanet's sister WBU in this case.

Since my child-rearing experience happened in France in the Seventies, I'm well aware that toddlers can behave acceptably at restaurants with a bit of finessing. It would have been considered my failure if they didn't. I thought it was great that the children learned about adult social environments from such a young age.

Hmm well I could easily have done this with dc1 and my beautifully behaved cherub would have had our companions, staff and other customers all cooing around while I gazed on proudly.

With dc2, not so much so. We'd have had a very grumpy stroppy toddler on our hands and dh and I would have ended up taking turns at being outside. naps in prams just didn't happen and of my three children dc2 was the one who really really couldn't cope without a nap. Not a very relaxing experience really.

With dc3 I've have replied to a suggestion of lunch out with "yes that'd be great - how about in 3 years time?" It was almost literally impossible to go to a restaurant at all.

They are all fab in restaurants now btw.

I think if you've been lucky enough to just have flexible toddlers then you should count yourself very lucky!

Dinosaur and Professor - I can see why if you kept your DC flexible and they didn't have melt downs due to hunger, you'd think it was down to your keeping htem flexible and regularly changing their meal times, and those whos DC need to stick to routines are creating the problem, rather than just responding to a problem.

Honestly, if your DC screamed and had a melt down every lunchtime you went beyond 12:30, would you have stuck at it in the hope you eventually taught them to be flexible? (possibly around 3 - when most DCs even if they have routines become more flexible anyway!)

I do find it amusing the number of adults who can't conceive of lunch at 12. Everywhere I have ever worked has a normal lunchtime of 12-1. Most restaurants serve lunch from 12-2. It is a perfectly normal time to eat a midday meal (clue is in the name). Some adults are very precious about their constitution if they can't for one day of their life eat one hour early to accommodate a small child who, by virtue of being a small child, is not as capable of being flexible and considerate of the needs of others as you would expect an adult to be.

OP, I feel your pain. I'm lucky that I have what most people would consider flexible children when it comes to mealtimes but the PIL think I am incredibly precious because I asked them to serve dinner to my then 3&5 year old by 7pm. Apparently expecting them (the adults) to eat before 9pm is incredibly selfish and I am a cruel mother for wanting my children to get to bed before 9pm (this was not a one off, it was a week long holiday in Scotland in mid summer, the kids were awake before 6am every morning and got steadily more exhausted and fractious as the week went on). After a week of holidaying with my PILs we had a day with my (childless) friend from school. The first two hours we were there DD2 cried because she was so exhausted from the schedule the ILs expected her to keep. My friend, on the other hand, managed to serve us a lovely meal at 6.30, then we kids were put to bed and we had pudding and booze after they were asleep. The next day they were delightful again (after having had enought sleep) and we had a much nicer day than we'd had the rest of the holiday.