to plan to meet for lunch at a time that fits in with my 18 month old?

[backtotheplanet]

My parents are retired and my sister works for 1 hour a day in the late afternoon and is currently studying part time. They wanted to arrange to meet for lunch in a restaurant where they live which is no problem for me at all. I suggested meeting at 12 so I can get my active 18 month old DS1 settled and started on lunch, in the hope of keeping him occupied and avoiding over hungry and tired meltdowns and this was all agreed.

My Sister called the evening before and asked to if it was possible move the time because 12 is a 'bit early for her' and she has been a bit 'nocturnal' recently (she doesn't have children btw). Unfortunately my explanation of why I had suggested 12 didn't go down well (it was not the immediate agreement was hoping for) and although we could have been a little flexible with the times, I didn't get the chance to work it out. She very quickly lost her temper and in the end she called off the lunch.

This is not the first time my family have expressed mild shock at arriving anywhere this early in the day and I'm finding myself in a difficult position. My son wakes at 7, generally eats around 12 and sleeps around 1:30 -3:30 /4. My family really don't do mornings and its always difficult to find a suitable time to make everyone happy. We can be much more flexible in each others houses but restaurants are one of those places that my son just wants to explore and run around in. He will eat, but not sleep and can do about 30 mins max in the high chair. For other reasons that I won't go into my mum wanted to meet in a restaurant this time.

AIBU to ask my family to meet a bit earlier so that we can eat lunch at a time that fits in with my son? Is 12 really too early?

When I apologized to my mum for the lunch being called off she did say 'well, lunch is usually at 1 o'clock'

I am feeling really disappointed that my family, who don't seem to have any obstacles to getting to the restaurant at 12, other than what time they get up in the day, can't be more understanding.

My youngest is 2 and I'm pregnant, so I'm still in the thick of these years, but as I've said I find it a bit weird to assume that the needs and wants of one toddler trump those of all the adults in the party. Nor do the wants of the adults trump those of the toddler. It's about compromise for all members of the party.

12 is horribly early for lunch for a lot of people (I'd struggle to get my five year old to eat anything at that time most days as she likes a big breakfast!). If 12.30 is a compromise, great. If it isn't, I stick with the idea that maybe arranging lunch in restaurants isn't a great plan for this window of everyone's lives and arranging something else (brunch, coffee, afternoon tea, etc) might be more flexible in terms of finding a time that suits the toddler.

I bet theyd be the first to moan if he was grumpy from hunger/tiredness.

It wouldnt have hurt them to havw lunch at 12 as a one off would it, especially as it seems the only reason they dont want to is because they want to lay in.

I tend to think that grown ups should be able to accept its not possible to a) eat at a time that doesnt suit DCs and b) expect them to sit quietly at the table, eat and not strop up if you are then eating at a different time.

Really, from about 18 months to 3 years, meals out aren't relaxed affairs unless they are at times that fit in with when the children want to eat and sleep. While you can make them do different times and be flexible, it's unlikely you'll get them to do more than just 'cope' - which usually means you accept theyll be badly behaved as over tired/over hungry/already eaten and now bored watching the adults eat. Fine if it's got to be at that time and there's another adult who can go entertain the DC while you talk, but if you arne't going to be able to sit at the table ad catch up with your parents and sister, what's the point in you going?

The only other suggestions I have is to either turn it into brunch instead of lunch (at 11:30, by the time food has arrived it'll be more like 12) or to find a babysitter.

or another suggestion, sack off eating with them all together and offer to meet them after lunch in a local park?

Everybody isn't working around the toddler's routine- they're working around the op who knows she'll have a shit time if she doesn't time it right. I don't think asking your family to eat a bit earlier than they usually would so they can spend (pleasant) time with you is especially precious.

The family were the ones who wanted to eat in a restaurant. OP said she could have been more flexible at a house.

If you want to eat somewhere specific and you want to invite someone with a small child you have to expect to be guided by them as to the timing IMO. FGS it's not forever. The child will be able to eat later than that in a year or less.

Their loss OP. They've missed out on a lovely lunch out with you and your son.

I don't think what you've asked for is especially unreasonable OP. As others have said, it's really hard work having lunch out with a toddler full stop let alone a tired and overly hungry one!

Just a thought though - why don't you and your parents go ahead anyway? Don't see why one stroppy sister should derail the whole plan

I have just noticed that it was only after 12 had been agreed and the night before the meal that the sister said 12 was too early. In that case, I revise my view and say it was far, far too late to complain.

I still stick with the general principle though, which is that you might be better off suggesting alternatives to lunch in a restaurant next time since there doesn't seem to be a mutually agreeable time for that type of meet up in this window of your lives.

Yanbu, but what I would do in this situation, is give your toddler his.lunch at 12, then pop him in pram, walk him to sleep and in to the restaurant at 1.30 then enjoy a meal with your family whilst he sleeps.

Not all toddlers do that though anyleft. Neither of mine have napped in the buggy for more than 20 minutes at a time past about 6 months' old. So just as the food arrived you'd have a screaming toddler who'd had a tiny nap but not enough disrupting everything! I've always been very jealous of parents with kids you can park in a buggy!

you might be better off suggesting alternatives to lunch in a restaurant next time since there doesn't seem to be a mutually agreeable time for that type of meet up - Yeah :)

It's a shame you can't manage to either wear DS out enough to sleep through the adult lunch, or give him brunch so he's not starving by 12.

Very much as an aside: the comments on this thread show why some people disallow small children at their weddings, etc! If 80% of the mothers need everything arranged to their little ones' schedules, nothing's ever gonna happen, is it?

Neither of my dc ever slept in a buggy either... In fact the only way they would sleep is in a pitch black room in the cot with total quiet! I'm surprised so many people think a toddler would happily nap in a buggy with all the noises that go along with a restaurant - plates banging and people laughing and not to mention all the food smells. Maybe I was just unlucky. . I certainly didn't encourage mine to be fussy nappers, I wanted a child that would sleep anywhere but after going out for the day a few times with a young baby and then going 12 hours with no naps and being grumpy and overtired I admitted defeat!

I do think 12 is okay for lunch and if people don't have children then it's only fair they accommodate those who do if they want to see them.

I actually really can't eat lunch before 1. In fact I can't eat anything before then not even breakfast. I do think 12 is a tad early. And if everyone else prefers to eat later then yabu as the majority win.
Can't you just give your child s snack to put then on ?

Heh! I reckon I can spot all the fellow mothers of 18 month olds on this thread Except ceeveebee.

I don't think it's preciousness about routine or inflexibility, more trying to minimise potential carnage. Although admittedly DD is 'spirited'.

I think it would be a great shame if you couldn't go out to eat until your DC were three, people with 3/4 kids wouldn't be able to go out for lunch en famille for about 10 years!

Thanks again for all of the responses. Its good to know that I'm not alone and I appreciate the kind comments. I also have taken on board the points made by those who do think its too early.

For what its worth, if my son would sleep through lunch in his buggy I would take advantage of it in an instant! That would be bliss!

Its also worth saying that my suggestion of meeting at 12 so that I can feed him was to make maximum use of the time that he would stay happily in a high chair (eating + toys + family + length of time until tiredness = maximum enjoyable time with my family) so its wasn't a suggestion exclusively based around my son eating his lunch (although a hungry child can lead to meltdowns so best avoided) but for everyone's benefit, including my own of course! I genuinely didn't think that it would be an issue at all. Now I know that people feel quite strongly about what time they have lunch, which I'll bear in mind in future.

Hopefully the suggestions and points raised, both for and against will be useful for others too.

I don't really get the insistence on routine. It's perfectly possible to fit children around what you want or need to do. And it's very annoying of people with children to assume that their (unnecessary) child routines should always take precedence.
In this case though the time had already been agreed, so the DSis was being unreasonable. Maybe she felt frustrated about the sister with children being given priority over other members of the family. It can come across as a bit entitled.

As the mother of an 18-month-old, YABU. Yes, DS likes to eat at 12noon. But I don't, and most adults I know don't either.
If I'm meeting friends for lunch, I work around them, not DS.
He has to learn that he can't stick to his routine 24/7. So I'll feed him a snack a bit earlier and then he can eat his main meal with us.
I can't bear it when people think their child's routine should always come first.

From 11am i start counting every minute till lunch. I am starving!
Tbh OP from what you say about your toddler and about your family i think it was not going to be a good combination at a Restaurant. Maybe you had a lucky escape!

Laquitar ME TOO!

Having a toddler is a brilliant excuse to eat early. Sometimes we even have lunch at 11.30.
It's wild in this house I tell you.

You are very normal AndIFeed. I 'm telling you.

The number of times SIL insisted on Sunday lunch at 12pm with same aged children as myself. The kids would eat separately then the adults at around 1pm, they wouldn't be fed the same food. This would be so that her DC would nap in time, about 90% of the time said child/ren would refuse to sleep in darkened room due to the excitements having a large family lunch. I was seen as unreasonable to expect all of us to eat together. This lasted about 6 years but now she is expecting her 3rd. We did just end up turning up at 12.30 when the kids got to 4 or 5 so they could have a roast rather than kids food.

Midweek 12pm is fine I would have compromised at 12.30 your mother and sister obviously didn't want to see you that much. Lunches with small children at restaurants is just not fun at that age. Mine got bored of high hair once food finished.

A) 12 is a perfectly acceptable time for lunch
and
B) Why set a child up to 'fail' and have a miserable time when what you were asking for is perfectly reasonable.

It's not entitled, it's practical and would ensure a good time all round.

Your family is being very U. Can't you meet up without your sister?

They sound pretty inflexible! You would do better my in-laws' family, back. Before we had children DH and I had to fit around his brothers' schedules any time we wanted to meet up because they have children said in hushed tones like it was a medical condition deserving of the utmost consideration.

Surely an hour either way won't matter to them? If your sister didn't want to meet 'early' then she should have suggested a dinner instead. Or just met for coffee in the afternoon?

If you still want to be bothered to meet them, maybe you should suggest a 5pm dinner? That can't be too early for them and even if they don't want to eat at 5, you can order your and DS's food for 5pm and they can eat a bit later. 18 months is a tricky age, they're not awake and in good humor for long and won't nap in a stroller anymore. You only really get a 2-hour window in the morning and again in the afternoon when they're in good form.