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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my partner is ridiculous for wanting to move to be near his daughter?

98 replies

TheEnchantedRose · 30/03/2014 22:09

I have been with my partner for a year now and we live together with his DD who is 18.

My partners ex-wife left him after she had an affair and his DD pretty much cut off all contact with her from this point and it was very much just the two of them so they are close.

I've never tried to be a mother to her, but I've tried to be her friend without pushing friendship on her or expecting it to happen over night.

I think ultimately long term I'd like her to see me as an older sister type role and if she does decide to keep her mother out of her life then she could look at me as someone to confide in. Sadly she barely speaks to me and my partner even commented that he thinks she sees me as a threat (and that she would feel this way regardless of who he was with).

She is in her last year of sixth form and has decided to go away to uni, one which is 2.5 hours away. My partner has brought up the subject tonight that he is thinking of us moving there too.

I have no idea what his DD thinks about this and I'm not close enough to ask her, and whilst I would never to interfere in their relationship, aibu to think this is an absolutely ridiculous idea?

OP posts:

YoungBodyOldHead · 30/03/2014 22:10

No way would i move

He needs to cut the apron strings

NeedsAsockamnesty · 30/03/2014 22:10

If both of them are fine with it of course it's not ridiculous

YoungBodyOldHead · 30/03/2014 22:11

Its unreasonable of him to expect you to move too.

WorraLiberty · 30/03/2014 22:12

It's a bit ridiculous yes because she's only going to be at Uni for a few years, isn't she?

As for her seeing you as a 'threat', perhaps she sees you as more of an 'invasion' if you've only been with her Dad a year and are already living in her home?

WooWooOwl · 30/03/2014 22:12

Whether it's ridiculous or not depends on how his dd feels about it. If she doesn't mind, then it's up to him really.

I can't imagine many teenagers being happy about their parents following them to university.

mrsjay · 30/03/2014 22:12

I dont know really maybe his daughter wont mind I can imagine an 18yr old will be able to object if she thinks her dad is too pushy/needy

Caitlin17 · 30/03/2014 22:13

Absolutely ridiculous idea on his part. It's so ridiculous it's an idea I've never heard anyone even mention either when I was a student or now as a parent.

apermanentheadache · 30/03/2014 22:13

When I was a new student the idea of my parents moving to my uni town would have filled me with horror

Fairy1303 · 30/03/2014 22:14

My god I chose my uni to break away from home and my parents and get some independence - if my mum had suddenly announced she was moving there too I'd have changed uni!!!

Rooble · 30/03/2014 22:15

I personally feel that going to university is a time for fleeing the nest and that a distance of 2.5 hours is a very good thing. The notion of moving to follow her seems bizarre, particularly given that she's unlikely to spend more than 3 years where she's going.
However, it could be that he's feeling incredibly unsettled at the thought of "losing" her, and perhaps you need to talk to him about how you can support him through the process of cutting the apron strings? It will be difficult, but part of parenting is allowing her to be the adult he had spent 18 years bringing her up to be.
I would talk to him about it, not her.

AwfulMaureen · 30/03/2014 22:16

It sounds like he's using this as an excuse to finish your relationship.

LadyBeagleEyes · 30/03/2014 22:17

I wouldn't dream of moving to be with my ds while he's away at uni. Can't believe any self respecting 18 year old would want it either.
She needs to be independent.

rookiemater · 30/03/2014 22:17

Gosh - when I read the title I assumed the DD would be 8 not 18. YANBU - part of going to university is learning to be independant, not having your DF follow you there.

Original poster

TheEnchantedRose · 30/03/2014 22:17

As for her seeing you as a 'threat', perhaps she sees you as more of an 'invasion' if you've only been with her Dad a year and are already living in her home?

No. Every couple if different. Some would wait years to move in and I've known one couple to move in after 2 weeks.

We've been together slightly over a year and I moved in this January. He probably would never have asked me to move in if his DD felt like I was "invading".

And regardless that is not the issue here.

OP posts:

joanofarchitrave · 30/03/2014 22:19

Ridiculous i would say is the wrong word.

He sounds as if he can't really imagine the future without his dd there every day or very frequently. Quite sweet and quite sad, but I say this as someone who has worked at ds's primary and seriously considered getting a job at his secondary school

I would talk about that future, rather than focus on the specific ridiculousness of this plan. But certainly make it clear that you are not planning to move for this temporary change in his dd's circumstances.

zeezeek · 30/03/2014 22:19

There is no way that any 18 year old I've ever met would want their Dad living that close to them!!

She's almost an adult and will soon have her own life independent of him. He needs to realise that and live his own life too and appreciate the relationship he has with you.

My DH's children were all adults when we got together. We've never had a close relationship and really only see each other a few times a year, but at least it's civilised now. Maybe that's the most you can hope for.

Original poster

TheEnchantedRose · 30/03/2014 22:20

It sounds like he's using this as an excuse to finish your relationship.

Hmm I did find it odd that he changed the locks and left all of my things outside ....

OP posts:

DesignBod · 30/03/2014 22:20

I think he is being unfair in creating a situation in which you may feel impelled to make him choose between you.

Caitlin17 · 30/03/2014 22:20

OP this is not normal parenting. Parents do not move home because their children are going to university.

RubyGoat · 30/03/2014 22:22

Sounds like (pending) empty nest symdrome. Is he planning to move round after her when she finishes uni too. She may get sick of it. I bet her partner will if/when she she starts living with someone. Just imagine how this would look from the DD's POV in a few years.

And, as a separate issue, what about your life? Career, family, etc. Are you willing to uproot & follow him, following her, every time she decides to move. It does sound like he is always going to put his grown up DD before you unless you spell out what this means, maybe you need to do that & see what he says.

zeezeek · 30/03/2014 22:22

Unless it's to downsize so they can't move back

MaryWestmacott · 30/03/2014 22:23

I'd point out if she wanted him to be close, she'd have picked a closer uni... she might want him to be back 'at home' so she can come back in the holidays and stay in touch with all her local friends... it's only for a short time and will he follow her around the world, or make her feel she can only look for jobs near her dad...

And then generally make it clear you won't move, so if he really plans to do this, then you need to start looking at moving back out and ending your relationship as it's clearly going to end soon.

Caitlin17 · 30/03/2014 22:24

joan I don't think it's sweet at all. It's odd, obsessive and possibly controlling. I agree with the poster who said no self- respecting 18 year old wants their dad following them to uni.

MeepMeepVroooom · 30/03/2014 22:24

I'm not sure. How do you feel about moving in general? Do you have work ties? Family close by? If you don't want to move I do think it's a bit unfair of him to just assume.

Also I think it's very important how his daughter feels. Alot of teenagers going to uni choose a uni further away because they want independence. Some obviously go to where the best courses are. She may not want you moving with her.

Whatever your partner decides you have your own decisions to make too. If you don't want to go, tell him.

Famzilla · 30/03/2014 22:26

I don't think it's a good idea.

When my friends went to uni (I went to a local one so no such escape for me!) they would look forward to coming home, seeing all their friends and that extra bit of familiarity. If you move to a new town, the only thing she'll be coming home for is your DP. I can't imagine any teenager not missing her friends.

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