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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my partner is ridiculous for wanting to move to be near his daughter?

98 replies

TheEnchantedRose · 30/03/2014 22:09

I have been with my partner for a year now and we live together with his DD who is 18.

My partners ex-wife left him after she had an affair and his DD pretty much cut off all contact with her from this point and it was very much just the two of them so they are close.

I've never tried to be a mother to her, but I've tried to be her friend without pushing friendship on her or expecting it to happen over night.

I think ultimately long term I'd like her to see me as an older sister type role and if she does decide to keep her mother out of her life then she could look at me as someone to confide in. Sadly she barely speaks to me and my partner even commented that he thinks she sees me as a threat (and that she would feel this way regardless of who he was with).

She is in her last year of sixth form and has decided to go away to uni, one which is 2.5 hours away. My partner has brought up the subject tonight that he is thinking of us moving there too.

I have no idea what his DD thinks about this and I'm not close enough to ask her, and whilst I would never to interfere in their relationship, aibu to think this is an absolutely ridiculous idea?

OP posts:

LineRunner · 30/03/2014 23:12

Quite, Punk.

oddsocksmostly · 30/03/2014 23:13

The DP has only said that he is thinking of moving. I'm sure lots of parents have had those thoughts when their children are applying for Uni. Wanting to protect and look after your child doesn't stop at 18. It's part of his way of processing the thoughts of her leaving home, it doesn't mean he actually will do it.

Topaz25 · 30/03/2014 23:41

YANBU. Moving away to uni is an important part of her establishing her own identity and independence. Your DP needs to be supportive but give her space. If she couldn't bear to be away from him she would have picked a more local uni. She will be fine. 2.5 hours away is still close enough to visit. It would be ridiculous to uproot your lives to follow her. Hopefully this is just a knee-jerk reaction and he will rethink it when he looks into it, realises how difficult and disruptive moving would be and talks to his DD and sees it's not what she wants. I would definitely not move for her since she barely speaks to you. He also needs to address the issue of her being disrespectful to you.

Original poster

TheEnchantedRose · 30/03/2014 23:45

I wouldn't be too harsh on the dd for not having much relationship with you; you are the fully grown adult here who can more easily make more effort, and her family was dealt a horrible blow in the middle of her growing up, which she did without a father being present for much of it.

Huh? I honestly have no idea what you are talking about. Her father has been present throughout her entire life.

I'm not being harsh on her at all, I can totally sympathise with her. Divorce is exceptionally hard on an older child and for her to see her dad with a new partner after seeing him with her mum for 16 years must be very strange and hard to comprehend. Hence why I've not tried to be a mum to her - she already has one.

I make a lot of effort with her actually, but I'm not going to force a friendship on someone either. She is never rude, or disrespectful, she just never really speaks to me and I understand why.

You are making a hell of a lot of assumptions based on one post.

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 30/03/2014 23:48

Do you want advice, OP? You haven't responded to what most of us are saying, just got annoyed with some posters.

What did you post for?

Original poster

TheEnchantedRose · 30/03/2014 23:48

Following them to the same town because either you can't let go /they can't (or you think they can't) stand on their own 2 feet is a failure in parenting.

That's quite harsh to be honest. I wouldn't be so quick to judge someone on one post and say they are a failure as a parent.

I think the posters who have said empty nest syndrome as right. I think he was considering it but I don't think he has actually thought it through or given it time.

OP posts:

Financeprincess · 30/03/2014 23:54

He sounds a bit tapped, I'm afraid. Think hard about whether you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody who will always put you second to the wishes of somebody else, and somebody who doesn't really like you much at that.

I agree with everyone who has suggested that the move to a location two and a half hours' travel away is probably deliberate on her part. Surely she must want some independence?

Caitlin17 · 31/03/2014 00:05

That was my post and I stand by it. You asked for opinions and you've got them. You asked if it was a ridiculous idea and I said it was; so ridiculous that I've got to the age of 54 and never come across it.

A major part of being a good parent is knowing when to cut them appropriate levels of freedom at appropriate ages. That is a process which starts when they are very young and develops as they get older with the ultimate aim of their leaving home, usually in late teens for tertiary education.

Empty nest syndrome requires an empty nest. Moving home to follow the bird because the bird has flown is another league.

Like Morris ZapI wonder what you expected to get here.

Melonade · 31/03/2014 00:06

Sorry OP I found this bit a tad confusing My partners ex-wife left him after she had an affair and his DD pretty much cut off all contact with her from this point and it was very much just the two of them so they are close

So his dd cut off all contact with her own mother??

I think theres a huge difference between talking about moving and actually doing it. Wouldn't he have to change jobs, sell his home, etc? And since universities don't start until October, and she hasn't had an offer from this one, never mind started there, its very much pie in the sky at present.

We are talking about another 18 months time and he is quite possibly just talking out loud about considering various options. I agree it must be unsettling for you, particularly if you live with him.

NoodleOodle · 31/03/2014 00:13

rookiemater: I thought the same thing, saw the thread title and imagined a NRP wanting to move closer to their

Original poster

TheEnchantedRose · 31/03/2014 00:43

Think hard about whether you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody who will always put you second to the wishes of somebody else, and somebody who doesn't really like you much at that.

She doesn't not like me, she's just very shy and I think if I'd got to the age of 16 with my parents together and then I started seeing my father with someone else I'd find it odd too. I don't hold it against her and like I said previously she's never rude or disrespectful, she just doesn't speak very much.

I think with most people if they have children from a previous relationship then that child is going to come first.

OP posts:

Caitlin17 · 31/03/2014 00:57

So OP you asked if he was being ridiculous. You've had replies ranging from at best that it's an extreme case of empty nest syndrome to yes it is a ridiculous idea.

You've not indicated what your thoughts are other than getting annoyed with several posters.

Innogen · 31/03/2014 06:29

I'd have never spoken to my parents again if they'd followed me to uni. I was 100 miles away and that wasn't enough. Man is an idiot.

oddsocksmostly · 31/03/2014 06:51

I wouldn't even say it was an extreme case of empty nest syndrome. I think probably lots of parents have these thoughts in their heads when their children are leaving home. But that doesn't mean they act on them.

alreadytaken · 31/03/2014 07:40

what a lot of fuss about, probably, very little.

He's mentioned moving house, not taken any active steps to do so. Does the thought cross the mind of other parents - yes, if they love their child. Would they act on it - no chance, because they love their child and it's time to see them fly. It's just an extreme example of empty nest syndrome that he's spoken the thought aloud. Of course it may be that a shy child has asked him about it and that would be a more serious problem.

OP you need to talk to him and find out if this is his idea or something the child wants - and if he says it is talk to the young woman. Then talk about empty nest syndrome and how to support a teenager who has doubts about leaving home (and they all feel varying degrees of apprehension as well as excitement). They need their home to still be there and for parents to be waiting. As this child is close they will need more reassurance. Start the planning of phone contracts and skype so they can still talk to each other.

If the girl is worried about leaving home and has raised the idea you have a more serious problem but suggest a gap year, during which she lives at home but works and does some travel, visiting friends at university.

NewtRipley · 31/03/2014 08:20

It is ridiculous. Charitably, it sounds like he is having a hard time. My parents were really upset when I (the youngest) went to University. But they got over it and tried to hide it from me

But he needs to keep that to himself for her sake. 2.5 hours is not very far.

yanbu

Ploppy16 · 31/03/2014 08:31

Creepy is a little harsh and it's slightly weird to suggest it!
It really does sound like he's struggling to let go though, they were a little team after his Ex left (sorry if I missed it but how long was it just the 2 of them for?) and it must be hard on him to see her growing up and going away. It IS a ridiculous idea but go easy on him, he'll get used to the idea soon enough when she starts to plan her living arrangements etc at Uni. He's seeing his little girl grow up and move on to the next stage in her life, it must be hard for any parent and he's entitled to feel that way.

Sicaq · 31/03/2014 08:40

My father wanted to do this when I went away to uni ... he was fairly recently divorced from my mother. The very idea filled me with panic - he was talking about moving in with me; he'd get us a nice flat and I could "look after him" when I wasn't studying.

I love my dad but I really wanted the independence of university. I (delicately) explained this to him and eventually he dropped the subject.

SuburbanRhonda · 31/03/2014 08:46

OP, I know your post is not about this but as you brought it up, why do you tolerate her not speaking to you?

Presumably if your DP invited you to come and live with him, it is now your home too, and you seem happy to be blanked by one of the two people you're living with?

She is an adult behaving like a spoilt child and I forsee huge problems if this moving house proposal ever becomes a real possibility.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 31/03/2014 08:51

Whether you want people to comment on it or not, OP, threads tend to take on a life of their own, generally based on information given by said OP.

Is it unreasonable of him to want to move to be near his daughter?

It's not a common thing to do, but if it suits him and her, then it isn't unreasonable, no.

Is it unreasonable of him to expect you to do the same? If you don't want to, yes.

Might it be, as someone upthread said, him looking for a way out of a situation he doesn't like anymore? Yes.

Is it odd that you and she don't speak, despite not having animosity on either side? Yes.

Should you make more effort with her? Yes.

Might she be seeing you as a thread? Yes

Might she be seeing you as a temporary passerby in her Dad's life? After only one year- Yes.

Do you need to speak to him about it? Yes.

Do you need to be so snippy with people? Leave that one for you to work out.

katese11 · 31/03/2014 08:51

Rhonda OP has said that she isn't being rude, just very shy. I don't think that's behaving like a spoilt child.

thebody · 31/03/2014 08:53

no sorry it does seem a tad creepy to me.

like caitlin our older ones are nearly through uni and I have never heard of any parent moving to be near a kid at uni. it's definatly out of my zone knowledge.

of course it's fine to go to uni and live at home or to stay home past 18 as long as you have a job/career/life plan.

no one suggests you kick your kid out at 18 or you stop caring.

however here the dd has chosen to move away that's because she wants some time away from daddy.

daddy following her would be creepy in my book and wrong.

not sure what you want from the forum
op. you have criticised posters and corrected them without any sort of opinion of your own following your op.

still unsure how the dd 'still has a mother' if she has broken off contact with her.

Polarn · 31/03/2014 08:54

I hate threads were the op doesn't reply back about the original topic itself!

differentnameforthis · 31/03/2014 09:07

I'm not a parent and even if I was I wouldn't want to comment on his parenting style

But this issue is part of his parenting, so you are commenting on it & asking everyone here to comment on it too...

thebody · 31/03/2014 09:13

^ well exactly ^

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