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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my partner is ridiculous for wanting to move to be near his daughter?

98 replies

TheEnchantedRose · 30/03/2014 22:09

I have been with my partner for a year now and we live together with his DD who is 18.

My partners ex-wife left him after she had an affair and his DD pretty much cut off all contact with her from this point and it was very much just the two of them so they are close.

I've never tried to be a mother to her, but I've tried to be her friend without pushing friendship on her or expecting it to happen over night.

I think ultimately long term I'd like her to see me as an older sister type role and if she does decide to keep her mother out of her life then she could look at me as someone to confide in. Sadly she barely speaks to me and my partner even commented that he thinks she sees me as a threat (and that she would feel this way regardless of who he was with).

She is in her last year of sixth form and has decided to go away to uni, one which is 2.5 hours away. My partner has brought up the subject tonight that he is thinking of us moving there too.

I have no idea what his DD thinks about this and I'm not close enough to ask her, and whilst I would never to interfere in their relationship, aibu to think this is an absolutely ridiculous idea?

OP posts:

differentnameforthis · 31/03/2014 09:19

Whoa...

This man lost his wife of (at least) 16yrs when she left after an affair, he is very close to his daughter, yet he is creepy and an idiot because he voiced the idea of moving to her Uni town!!

Bloody hell...vipers here today, hey!

I wonder if a this was a man posting about his gf & her daughter, if his gf would be called those names! I very much doubt it, but because it is a man wanting to be with his daughter, that means it is ok to criticize & call names.

RufusTheReindeer · 31/03/2014 09:22

Don't agree with calling people creepy but wanting to move to a town where is daughter may be for 4 years is a daft idea. I have never heard of it before

If she gets a job and settles down some where after uni then fill your boots!

differentnameforthis · 31/03/2014 09:25

SuburbanRhonda

This girl found her mum cheating
Her mum left her
She cut all contact with her mum
Less than a yr later her dad meets someone & moves her in to their house

I don't think she is a brat at all, just probably pretty sad with what has happened. perhaps she is exercising 'if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all'

PrimalLass · 31/03/2014 09:28

Not sure if anyone else has said this, but uni is only about 30 weeks/year. Being able to come home in the holidays and work/see school friends was really important to me (and most students I think). If he moves there she might be really annoyed that she has nowhere to come 'home' to. My parents moved abroad, but still made sure I had somewhere to live at home for the 20-odd weeks that I had no uni accommodation.

SuburbanRhonda · 31/03/2014 09:32

katese, I didn't say the daughter was being rude. I said she was blanking the OP, which the OP has said is the case.

different, I didn't use the word "brat" - never would, actually as it's a horrible word. Whatever you think about her reasons for not speaking to the OP, I can imagine it creates quite an atmosphere in the family home and must make discussing anything, never mind something as major as this, nigh on impossible.

SuburbanRhonda · 31/03/2014 09:36

The other danger is that OP and her partner move to be near the daughter, then the daughter realises that she actually enjoys being independent and prefers hanging out with people of her own age and interests, rather than with her dad.

Then the OP is left to pick up the pieces.

Caitlin17 · 31/03/2014 09:36

The title by the OP is "is my partner ridiculous"

I wonder if this is a reverse, with possibly the genders being reversed too. OP has suggested this to his/her partner and has been told it is a ridiculous ides, everyone agrees it is ridiculous and gets huffy and departs.

Re whether I'd say the same if it were a man asking if a mother was being ridiculous , yes I would. It would be controlling and obsessive for either parent.

Caitlin17 · 31/03/2014 09:43

Sorry OP gets huffy and departs. We're all still here trying to work it out. Usually when an OP gets universal agreement they come back and mention they are pleased to be right. Here "is my partner ridiculous"*yes it's a ridiculous idea"
"Oh you're all getting this wrong" Exit stage left.

SuburbanRhonda · 31/03/2014 09:46

You're right, caitlin

I think I need to be doing something more productive with my morning than shouting sensible advice down an empty well

kentishgirl · 31/03/2014 09:48

It is absolutely ridiculous for a parent of either gender to move to their child's university town - unless the child is one of those hothoused 10 year olds of course.

But I can sympathise with the thought crossing his mind. I'm sure it crosses lots of parent's minds. But then normal parents realise it's ridiculous and dismiss it.

OP - how serious is he about this? Was this just a not-serious-at-all 'wouldn't it be nice' musing, or is he considering it properly?

I agree daughter is likely to be horrified. Lots of single parent families are very close (so are lots of double parent families). They still want their kids to grow up and be independent. He's thinking of himself, not his daughter.

rightsaidfrederick · 31/03/2014 09:49

I grew up in similar circumstances (minus the affair, still in contact with mum) and there's absolutely no way that I would have stood for my dad moving to be near me at university.

This is her time to get away, live independently, cut the apron strings / umbilical cord and live as an adult.

differentnameforthis · 31/03/2014 10:09

SuburbanRhonda

I noticed that, but using the word spoilt doesn't sound much better, imo.

MorrisZapp · 31/03/2014 10:11

Caitlyn has it. It's a reverse.

lainiekazan · 31/03/2014 10:17

I know someone who did this. She upped and moved to her dd's university town. She even bought a house with a self-contained annexe for her dd to live in.

Did the dd want to live with her mother? Did she hell. The mother was devastated. She had assumed that they would be going around together and was constantly buying tickets for plays/concerts etc for the two of them and then weeping and wailing that the dd wanted to make her own way.

lainiekazan · 31/03/2014 10:18

That being said, I so hate the thought of ds moving away that I shall have no hesitation in moving in right next door to him. In fact I've already provided him with a list of universities in towns in which I could fancy living

DeWe · 31/03/2014 10:37

As a student I can't think of anything worse than parent/s moving to be near you.

Dm was at college with one girl who was severely homesick in the first year-she was the only one who had parents living locally, and it made it much worse that she would bump into friends and family, which rubbed it in.

KitZacJak · 31/03/2014 10:49

It does seem a bit strange as uni is a temporary place and she will have long holidays in which she may or may not choose to come home. She may end up working miles away when she leaves.

Do you think he is worried about how she will cope as you say she is quite shy? Or do you think he just fancies a move anyway?

KitZacJak · 31/03/2014 10:52

I wouldn't want to move to be in my children's uni towns but if they settled somewhere permanently that was miles away I may be tempted to move! I really want to live life close to my children but not sure what I would do if they moved miles apart!!!

Oldraver · 31/03/2014 11:49

Melonade

I wouldn't be too harsh on the dd for not having much relationship with you; you are the fully grown adult here who can more easily make more effort, and her family was dealt a horrible blow in the middle of her growing up, which she did without a father being present for much of it.

Did you mean Father ? I think you confused the OP

jay55 · 31/03/2014 11:59

Teens who want their parents close by apply to universities close to home. Those ready to fly the nest look at places further away.

It could also be lonely for her in the holidays not being easy to catch up with old friends, and uni friends away.

Thetallesttower · 31/03/2014 12:04

Jay is right, if she wanted him close, she would go to a close university, even if she couldn't live at home.

I also think that distance is necessary for the relationship with the mother. She had an affair, she didn't kill anyone. Many people I know have cut off their mothers initially after such a discovery, but gone on to have relationships with them later. Sometimes we have to realise our parents are quite flawed and not faithful but still want to have a relationship with them and love them, especially a mother/daughter relationship (depending on what it was like before, of course).

The father going on to live with the dd blocks this off in many ways, and is creating the dd as the stable female figure in the set-up which is why the dd is threatened by the OP.

I would encourage your partner to talk with his dd myself, she may well tell him she wouldn't want this.

I don't know of any similar set-up and I work at a uni, the only student I know who live with their parents are in the family homes and commute and would rather live elsewhere!

lainiekazan · 31/03/2014 14:04

the father going on to live with the dd blocks this [relationship with mother who had affair] off in many ways

Thetallesttower is right in saying this I think: in the case of the woman I know who did this it was in part a strategic move to make sure the dd didn't rebuild a relationship with her father.

NewtRipley · 31/03/2014 16:10

feeling empty nest syndrome is one thing. Acting on it is not putting the needs of the child first. It is projecting your own emotional needs onto the child and therefore is not good parenting. IMO

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