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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my partner is ridiculous for wanting to move to be near his daughter?

98 replies

TheEnchantedRose · 30/03/2014 22:09

I have been with my partner for a year now and we live together with his DD who is 18.

My partners ex-wife left him after she had an affair and his DD pretty much cut off all contact with her from this point and it was very much just the two of them so they are close.

I've never tried to be a mother to her, but I've tried to be her friend without pushing friendship on her or expecting it to happen over night.

I think ultimately long term I'd like her to see me as an older sister type role and if she does decide to keep her mother out of her life then she could look at me as someone to confide in. Sadly she barely speaks to me and my partner even commented that he thinks she sees me as a threat (and that she would feel this way regardless of who he was with).

She is in her last year of sixth form and has decided to go away to uni, one which is 2.5 hours away. My partner has brought up the subject tonight that he is thinking of us moving there too.

I have no idea what his DD thinks about this and I'm not close enough to ask her, and whilst I would never to interfere in their relationship, aibu to think this is an absolutely ridiculous idea?

OP posts:
SoftKittyWarmKitty · 30/03/2014 22:27

Have you actually talked to him about this? About why he wants to move and whether his DD will actually appreciate having her dad round the corner while she's trying to have the time of her life? Smile

Smartiepants79 · 30/03/2014 22:27

I wouldn't move to where she goes to uni. In three years time she'll probably be moving again.
I would really wait until she is more settled and then think about it.
I get why he would want to be close to her but she might feel he is smothering her and as I said she is not necessarily staying there long term.

MeepMeepVroooom · 30/03/2014 22:27

Sorry I should clarify it's a bit unfair of him the assume if he's just bouncing the idea around without any real intention. It's very unfair if he is being completely serious.

Original poster
TheEnchantedRose · 30/03/2014 22:27

OP this is not normal parenting. Parents do not move home because their children are going to university.

I'm not a parent and even if I was I wouldn't want to comment on his parenting style.

I know they went through a lot whilst the separation was happening. I don't want so speak about what happened as it's not for me to put on an internet forum. But she was the one who found out her mum was having the affair and she told her dad. I think cutting one parent out of your life as a 16 year old is a very hard thing to go through and it obviously made them very close.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 30/03/2014 22:30

This is not helpful parenting from your DO.

He needs to be there for her, welcome her home for weekends and holidays, keep her space, stuff and room in good nick at home for a couple of years while she is finding her feet at university - but not follow her there.

LineRunner · 30/03/2014 22:31

DP

Octopirate · 30/03/2014 22:32

YANBU. Oh dear, I would have been mortified if one of my parents moved near my uni! He needs to cut those apron strings!

Original poster
TheEnchantedRose · 30/03/2014 22:33

I'd point out if she wanted him to be close, she'd have picked a closer

We live in Boston, so I think the nearest uni would still not be close enough for her to live at home.

OP posts:
MeepMeepVroooom · 30/03/2014 22:35

It's worth telling your partner she might hate her uni or city and decide to go to another. What will he do then? Up everything and leave again?

Caitlin17 · 30/03/2014 22:38

Well I am a parent and am quite happy to comment on his parenting style.

Have you ever come across anyone who moved home simply to be in the town their child is at university in? I've never. I didn't know anyone at university whose parents did. I didn't when my son left, none of the parents of my son's friends did. None of my friends did.

If you've done your job as a parent properly sending them off to uni is a goal parents are aiming for. Following them to the same town because either you can't let go /they can't (or you think they can't) stand on their own 2 feet is a failure in parenting.

MorrisZapp · 30/03/2014 22:41

When you first moved in three months ago, did he say then that he was planning to move 2.5 hours away?

Hassled · 30/03/2014 22:41

What will he do in another 3 years when she gets her degree and moves on again? It's madness.

I agree it's probably empty-nest syndrome - it is a huge adjustment as a parent when your child leaves home. It's horrible, but you (normally) just grin and bear it. Talk to him about how he's feeling re that.

thebody · 30/03/2014 22:42

Caitlin absolutely spot on.

op this is quite creepy to be honest Mr Barrett of Wimpole St stuff.

LineRunner · 30/03/2014 22:45

I notice, if you don't mind me saying, that you don't refer to this as a ridiculous idea. You say that you think your partner is ridiculous. That's quite a harsh judgement for a new relationship. It must be bloody hard.

LittleBearPad · 30/03/2014 22:55

Parents don't move with their children when they go to university. It's odd, very odd. I doubt the dd will welcome him moving either.

ilovesooty · 30/03/2014 22:56

Yes, thebody

Creepy was the word I thought of.

FudgefaceMcZ · 30/03/2014 22:57

Would his daughter not be extremely pissed off to have her dad follow her to uni? 2.5 hours is not even that far, she could easily come back whenever she wanted for a weekend, but the poor girl probably wants a bit of her own space now she's an adult!

thebody · 30/03/2014 22:59

^^ yes I can just imagine my kids faces if we had moved to their uni towns.

ha ha ha ha. sweet revenge for the sleepless nights years!

MiscellaneousAssortment · 30/03/2014 23:00

I suspect this is one issue that will be self resolving - even with the awful upheaval in her life, if she's like most other 18yr olds, she ll be looking at Uni as a safe step into freedom and her own life.

Though daddy may be her rock and foundation, it's at this age that rocks and foundations are brilliant from a discrete distance!

So what I'm thinking is, could you just bite your tongue for a few weeks, to see if this settles without a word your part? This has the advantage of you not having to dive into the tricky waters of father-daughter bonds and 'evil' step mother territory! Sounds like a messy conversation to get into where you could do easily be put in the wrong just by saying anything - avoid avoid avoid :)

If it shows signs of becoming an actual idea, then is the time to get into those tricky waters.

rabbitlady · 30/03/2014 23:02

no, he shouldn't be following her to uni. if she wants to stay at home and go to a local university, fine. but if she chooses to leave, he should let her. help him to understand that she has to grow up.

Supercosy · 30/03/2014 23:02

I hate saying this.....I hardly ever say this but this is not normal behaviour. Nobody does this and with good reason. It is suffocating, it's over protective and it's totally contrary to the normal course of events. Yanbu at all.

Melonade · 30/03/2014 23:05

Um, since she hasn't actually decided if she is going to that university or not, and it is only one of several possible choices, why are you taking this so seriously? My first assumption would be that its simply a town or city he has been thinking of relocating to for some time.

I wouldn't be too harsh on the dd for not having much relationship with you; you are the fully grown adult here who can more easily make more effort, and her family was dealt a horrible blow in the middle of her growing up, which she did without a father being present for much of it.

Go easy on her.

zipzap · 30/03/2014 23:06

Maybe she thinks that he has moved you in as she is off to uni soon and therefore you are sort of replacing her...

I'd also start talking to him about did his parents follow him to Uni (did he go?) or similar - is it something he sees as normal or something that he is thinking about for himself as he wants to still be close to his dd.

I'd also be finding out exactly why she has chosen that particular uni - might be a good general topic of conversation... If it is one of only a very few uni's doing the course or it has a particularly good reputation that's one thing. But if she is doing a more common subject and there are other good uni's between your current house and where she has chosen - then maybe she chose it to put some distance between her and you. Not necessarily in a nasty way - just in the way lots of 18 year olds' do when they are striking out for university and freedom independence! Which may well induce horror in her if she discovers her dad is about to follow her to the same town.

Do both you and your dp have jobs that you won't mind giving up and moving with - and will you be able to get a decent job, similar house etc etc in the new town?

Viviennemary · 30/03/2014 23:08

That is a crazy idea. Half the fun of going to Uni is getting away from the parents for a while.

PunkrockerGirl · 30/03/2014 23:08

Grin Sorry, just thinking of the reaction I'd have got if I'd told ds I was moving to be near him at uni.