To absolutely fucking hate...

[MinnieMouse5678]

...kids that squeal at the top of their voices for absolutely no reason than wanting attention!

And also their parents for not making them shut the hell up!

Im not talking babies or even toddlers, but young children just bloody squealing! Argh!!!!!!

My 2 year old does this. :( I don't know how to stop him.

Sorry..bad signal here.

'I'm aghast at your last post, that this happened to you. That's disgusting.'

I am too. Though only after reading your post Lying. Before then it was just resigned acceptance because that IS what life is like on an ongoing basis. Not minute by minute, but enough of the time to make it not 'especially' extraordinary.

And it helps loads when people without children with SN post and say 'Good grief', because then we remember that actually it isn't the best we can hope for.

I never really notice children squealing at the top of their voices and it's not because I'm hardened to it (my children are older and they didn't squeal anyway). It would be annoying in a restaurant or hotel but if you're in a supermarket, who cares if there is noise? It's not as if you are there to relax.

It is so much more than no tolerance of bad behaviour, unfortunately.

As Pagwatch has described.

If not outright abuse then it is constant staring.

Or people laughing at my DD.

Or everyone staring at her. We went to Zoo once and it was busy. .literally everyone was staring and whispering at her or trying to keep a straight face when she walked past.

I posted on SN board that day. And have not been to Zoo since.

River..It is much more than people telling kids off not realising they have SN.

It is a climate of either people feeling embarrassment, amusement or outright hostility al all the time.

Just because a wee 7 year old girl makes noises and flaps her hands. Usually because she wants to say hello to people and can't articulate it.

RaRa
Absoloutely !

These kind of incidents are a background noise. They are not 'OMG' moments for others with a child with SN because it happens all the time.

I always have to adjust when someone is with me and something happens because their shock and anger and indignation reminds me how I used to feel.

I had a 6ft plus man screaming in my face to "leave that poor boy alone!" As I used all my strength to prevent ds from hurling himself into the path of a London double decker bus because he hadn't managed to take what he considered a decent photo of it. Nice big crown of on lookers muttering really helped too.

Polter
I am sure that is it up to a point.
I don't think I am necessarily more accepting. I think I am more resigned. After 17 years and ever possible scenario I can't keep feeling endlessly furious because it would be exhausting and life has enough challenges
Plus I have two other children who spent a chunk of their lives with a woman who reacted/explained/confronted/wept/became angry every time we went out.
I wanted them not to see life through that filter. It was all consuming. It was changing who I was and I had lost enough already.
I prefer their view 'some people are nice, some people are dickheads'
It's better for them, better for me.
I think I see the positives more now I screen out some of the garbage.
It's not rose tinted. It's a choice I think.
At 3.00 in the morning I am just as heartbroken, just as impotently furious as everyone else. But I can't spend my days like that anymore.

I don't like squealing kids either. I want them to shut up. But only if its constant/really bratty. Kids will be kids, they make noise what can you do. The seen and not heard mentality here goes way too far at times. Actually Im more bothered about loud shouty parents who scream at their child to shut up, making triple the amount of noise their child was making in the 1st place. They're the attention seeking ones and I feel more sorry for the children.

I see Polter - yes, I understand.
It is monumentally shit

Question then for anybody who has a child with SN...

What can we (the clueless), who aren't necessarily tuned in, do to help? I would like to be supportive but really don't know 1) what would achieve that and 2) how would I know if this would be welcomed?

I smile at the parent(s), pick up random stuff that's been dropped or thrown, chatter to accompanying children if I get the 'cue' that it's ok.

I absolutely WOULD leap in, whether it's my business or not, to support a parent that is being abused as in Pagwatch and Sparkly's story.

I'm beyond sad that RaRa and others have felt that they've needed to become 'resigned' to people's treatment of them. I expect the people who've given 'looks' or 'tuts' would also be chagrined and ashamed if they were aware that their judgement had caused pain.

For me, it's a question of wanting to support yet not wanting to in any way make the parent feel that they are being found 'wanting' or 'not coping'. I think that parents of NT children will never feel the same pressure to 'perform parenthood' as parents of children with SN, because whilst everybody accepts the 'naughty behaviour' of children they can perhaps become flummoxed at behaviour of a child with SN that doesn't fit into the 'naughty' category so I'd probably ignore it... and maybe that's the wrong thing to do, it's probably not at all supportive...

So, what would you like me to do? I would genuinely like to - if not be able to help - at least let the parent and child(ren) know that they are accepted and that I don't for a minute think that it's alright for them to be treated in any way differently by society and people around them.

I really hope that my post isn't patronising or offensive; it truly isn't meant to be and I really would appreciate some pointers.

What I would adore..or my DD would..is if people responded to her trying to communicate to them..its clear she is waving at them and being friendly and it totally makes her day if someone speaks to her or smiles. Which has only happened about twice in her life. People stare fixedly past her or try not to laugh at her. I am actually thinking of making her a badge with please say hello to me on it. Pathetic I know. But its sad she is ignored. And then some nice people might say hello.

Writing my post about people staring at my DD actually made me cry.

Quite sad noone has acknowledged it tbh.

Thats just my sensitive feelings though so do ignore.

TBH, I probably am passed needing reassuring friendly smiles now, but what I REALLY need is for people to question what they read in the papers as this is currently fuelling an increase in the abuse of disabled people and portraying them as a drain and therefore fair game for disdain.

I need people to not automatically assume that having a child with a disability = access to services or provision. It doesn't. Service have to be fought for against unbelievable resistance and when it is finally got it is usually shite.

I need people to stand up to their friends and relatives who moan and tut when for a rare and hugely planned and prepped trip to an amusement park we go to the front of the queue for the only one of two rides our children can cope with.

I need people to support the bus driver when he requests someone folds their buggy so the wheelchair user can get on and they refuse.

I need people to support their colleagues at work/at Governing Board meetings/ at events when the lead for SEN or Disability makes a request to a groan and accusation of being a party pooper.

(((((((Polter))))

To try and put a more positive slant on this thread I have found that Threads like these really help me think and not be judgey when I am out and about.
I always thought I was a decent, considerate person but having been educated by Mumsnet I can see that I was guilty doing a bit of quiet judging from time to time.

I'm much more selective and careful with my judging these days

Poltor and Fanjo

And you deserve some too That

Fanjo... That is very sad. I can see how it happens though; people seem to be so terrified of interacting with other people's children for fear of being accused of anything, or upsetting the parent. I might not necessarily have thought that your daughter was trying to communicate with me by flapping her hands and been loathe to smile in case all was not well and for fear of insulting you by thinking I would be laughing at her. As a society, we are quite 'buttoned up', busily causing offence yet trying so hard to keep from doing that...

I like other people's children. My work brings me into contact with special schools and the children there and I really enjoy spending time with them. Perhaps because it's in a setting that they feel safe and secure - and I feel confident because I'm supposed to be there - and there are teachers around to help with anybody who needs it.

What I'm trying to say is that I would most definitely stop to talk and smile at your daughter. I know you think that your idea of a 'badge' is pathetic but actually, more than letting me know that your daughter would welcome the interaction, it's a positive cue from you that lets me know that it's ok with you also.

Thank you Lying.