Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to confront my friend about her husband's behaviour?

359 replies

mrsruffallo · 29/03/2014 10:37

I am having a hard time at work. Invited friend and her dh over for dinner last night and had a real moan about it. As they were leaving I thanked her for listening to me ranting and her husband leaned over me and yelled hard enough for spittle to hit my face, " next time tell someone who gives a shit!". They then left, whilst I attempted to laugh it off. I really want to ring her this morning but another part of me just wants to wash her hands of the whole situation.

OP posts:
HandMini · 29/03/2014 19:21

Boring people with your chat is, er, boring. But harmless.

Shouting at someone with your face up in their so that spittle flies on them is not harmless. That act is designed to intimidate / upset / control.

OP - he was in the wrong.

SelectAUserName · 29/03/2014 19:21
Grin

You can even tell me any work woes you might have...

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 29/03/2014 19:26

Totally agree with hester.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 29/03/2014 19:30

To answer your original question OP, I wouldn't 'confront' your friend about her H's behaviour - he is after all responsible for his own actions. As to whether I would mention it, would depend on how well I knew the friend and whether it was important to me that I was open with her. But it is totally possible to be great friends with someone and not have to have anything to do with their other half.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 29/03/2014 19:30

Poor OP. Of course it is fine to talk about problems.

He could easily have redirected the convo as it was happening rather than doing a shout-and-run, which is cowardly as he stole away your chance to respond leaving you stunned and embarrassed in your door step.

Hope you are okay

RunLikeSomeFeckersChasing · 29/03/2014 19:35

My DF is an alcoholic, my childhood was peppered with instances of his boring, selfish behaviour and I have little tolerance of drunks. DF is a conversation monopoliser, so you can imagine that I have significant issues around that behaviour. So, with that history, I would probably not have enjoyed a 40 minute rant about work (it doesn't sound like that's what happened, sounds like you and your friend were having a proper conversation) but I still think his behaviour was nasty, aggressive, unnecessary.

bamboobutton · 29/03/2014 19:41

i find it quite mind boggling that some posters feel that "boring" conversation is just as rude as bellowing in someone's face!!

i would probably send off a shitty email and cut all contact if this had happened to me.

InAGrump · 29/03/2014 19:42

OP you were fine to talk as you did. I hope lots of people I know want to discuss interesting problems at length rather than flit around in various subjects of lighthearted conversation.

I do think he made a poor joke at the end though, I have done that and cringed afterwards

KeatsiePie · 29/03/2014 19:50

Salmon aha sorry I read the whole thread at once and misremembered your word. Just thought it was an interesting side topic.

littleballerina · 29/03/2014 19:53

He sounds vile. I'd be shocked and disgusted.

Don't lose your friend over it, just maybe don't invite him over. I'm sure she'd understand.

Original poster
mrsruffallo · 29/03/2014 20:02

hHaven't heard from them. I thank all of the supportive posters.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 29/03/2014 20:11

I'd cut her a wide berth, too. What a scummy, low-rent, trashy thing to do.

Thetallesttower · 29/03/2014 20:12

When I meet up with friends and their husbands, we often talk about work, we all have interesting jobs and we find each other's lives interesting. If it is good friends, I might talk to my female friend for a while about an issue and the husbands talk on a different topic for while before we all talk together. This sounds totally normal to me and not the least bit boring- I give a shit about my friend's problems, that's what a friend is!

He is rude and awful and I feel sorry for you, I guess see what your friend has to say for herself, she must be mortified. Her reaction might tell you if it could possibly have been a bad joke. If not, see her by herself.

Original poster
mrsruffallo · 29/03/2014 20:43

Thanks expat. Yes, wide berth is what I am feeling. I know it wasn't her that said it but if DH had done this to a friend of mine (inconceivable) I would be making him ring her to apologise at the very least.
Tallest Tower- It 's normal for us too. Enough said! At least the majority of posters sound like normal people who share the same outlook.

OP posts:
ThePost · 29/03/2014 21:36

The whole point of being someone's friend is that you're there to listen if they need you. This man was unforgivably rude and I would not be contacting either of them again unless a grovelling apology was received.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 29/03/2014 21:40

I'm a fairly blunt person generally.

If you had bored the pants off me in the manner suggested above, on the way out of the door I would have said;

"Thanks for the lovely dinner, mrsruffalo. Hope you get that sorted out so we can talk about something more exciting next time!"

That would be the Rude-And-Yet-Not-A-Cunt approach Grin

I would keep contact with your mate though, she may need you one day if she ever gets free of this prize cock.

iamsoannoyed · 29/03/2014 23:38

your friend's DH was very rude- even if you had bored the socks off them, it is not reasonable to behave this way.

Perhaps your friend was so embarrassed she didn't know what to do at the time (especially if she was a bit tipsy)?

Perhaps she is now embarrassed about her initial lack of reaction and her DH's behaviour that she hasn't contacted you because she doesn't know what to say? A bit cowardly, but understandable. Or perhaps she is not surprised by his behaviour but is too intimidated by her DH to do anything about it. It's also possible your friend is also rude with no social skills, who doesn't think her DH has done anything wrong.

I don't know your friend, you'll be best placed to know if it's possible that any (or none) of these scenario's are true, but why would you be such good friends with someone who fits the latter criteria?

I'd give the DH a wide berth. If you value your friendship, I'd contact her and have a chat about how you feel about what happened and see if you can salvage something. If you are not bothered either way, then I'd just the friendship drift.

Aventurine · 29/03/2014 23:57

Anyone who yelled in my face would not be someone I would have anything to do with afterwards.

AchyFox · 30/03/2014 00:42

Work problems are very flexible conversation-wise:

"I had a co-worker like that..."
"Do you think he's a psychopath/alcoholic/narcissist/cunt ?"
"I'd tell her to ......" etc etc

Takes 2 to make a conversation and by the sounds of it he wasn't involved so it's not even his "problem".

Did he do some coke the last time he used the loo ?

Waiting for Sunday.

MistressDeeCee · 30/03/2014 02:05

We all have moments that come along to try us in life, so what if you were having a moan?

Im glad Im not shallow enough to deem a friend boring just because she's had a hard time lately and needs to vent. It sounds like some people can't be bothered with their mates unless they're happy all the time. False, and not very 'friendly', either

OP he's rude, and an idiot. Just don't have him in your home again. You don't have to

scottishmummy · 30/03/2014 02:14

Hang on,it's him you need to rebuke not his wife,she's not his keeper
Your tone us somewhat sensitive - you felt violated? really That strong?
It's all a touch histrionic,you cannot trust her again?ok,so don't call her no more unburdening

lessonsintightropes · 30/03/2014 02:20

Whilst I have some sympathy with other posters here about not going on about a topic which other diners might not be that interested in for a period of time...

I would never continue contact with someone who shouted at me in my own home after I'd catered for them - breaks every rule of normal behaviour I think. Fine if he's bored by what you've said, there are socially graceful ways of dealing with this. Resorting to a violent verbal outburst is not okay and never will be.

OP, do you want to continue contact with your friend? If so, then rather than tackling it head on (which forces her in the tricky position of having to either defend behaviour which she also thought was rubbish, or in defending him to someone who is never going to forgive it) I would just swerve joint social occasions in future and see her solo. Sounds like a shitty situtation.

My DH is so easy going and laid back but the couple of friends of mine he's not fond of have ended up drifting away over the years. Although this situation is very different, sorry to say that might also be the situation with this friend. Life's too short to hold onto relationships that aren't good for all those involved.

MexicanSpringtime · 30/03/2014 06:59

I think YNK has hit the nail on the head more than once in this thread.
Your friend's husband was totally off.
I have been to lots of boring dinner party's (which I'm not prepared to believe yours was) but I would never dream of insulting my host or hostess because of it.
I think this man is trying and succeeding in cutting his wife off from her social group.

Bearbehind · 30/03/2014 07:31

I think this man is trying and succeeding in cutting his wife off from her social group.

Bloody hell- I get accused of thinking I'm Columbo for chosing to believe the OP may have exaggerated both how interesting her problems were and how aggressively this man made his comment (which is very different to making up my own version of events stainlesssteel I'm simply changing the emphasis) yet other posters can happily make ridiculously exaggerated comments such as the above.

It's a much bigger leapt to assume the above than think the OP might just be exaggerating how aggressive he actually was because she was embarrassed that he felt the need to say anything at all. Accusing someone of abuse is extremely serious yet it seems to be the first conclusion many have jumped to based on one comment.

cansu · 30/03/2014 07:52

I would just chalk this up to experience. your friend is nice her husband isnt. Just dont invite them as a couple again. I really dont see why you are making this about your friend and talking about trusting her etc etc.