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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to confront my friend about her husband's behaviour?

359 replies

mrsruffallo · 29/03/2014 10:37

I am having a hard time at work. Invited friend and her dh over for dinner last night and had a real moan about it. As they were leaving I thanked her for listening to me ranting and her husband leaned over me and yelled hard enough for spittle to hit my face, " next time tell someone who gives a shit!". They then left, whilst I attempted to laugh it off. I really want to ring her this morning but another part of me just wants to wash her hands of the whole situation.

OP posts:
HesterShaw · 29/03/2014 15:26

Bearbehind, have you never been at a social function where more than one topic of conversation is being discussed simultaneously? It happens quite often.

phantomnamechanger · 29/03/2014 15:29

the wife's drunken smile may have been her attempt at a shocked apology. I agree, she probably knows better than to pull him up on his behaviour in public. never ceases to amaze me what some folk will put up with as normal/acceptable

Mintyy · 29/03/2014 15:34

Don't dump your friend just because her dh is an arse - that would be an awful thing to do. You'll have to talk about it next time you see her.

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/03/2014 16:12

cees

"It doesn't matter how dull he found the conversation, nobody tied him to the chair or broke his legs so he could have got up and pissed off at any time, he chose not to."

Not excusing him but he was driving his wife home, so he would have to stay.

StainlessSteelBegonia · 29/03/2014 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rabbitlady · 29/03/2014 16:38

drop the couple forthwith. and don't rant, even at your own parties. rant here instead.

Bearbehind · 29/03/2014 16:45

have you never been at a social function where more than one topic of conversation is being discussed simultaneously? It happens quite often.

Absolutely, but never at a dinner party for 4 which I was hosting.

I can't see how anyone would find it appropriate to harp on for 40 minutes about something their guest clearly wasn't interested in.

CoolCadbury · 29/03/2014 16:46

OP, I'm not sure why some people are giving you a hard time. Some work problems can be fascinating and riveting. I have listened to a few in my life, yes, even at dinner parties.

YANBU. Completely nasty behaviour on his part.

And to the poster who said violated meant to be sexually assaulted and there for YABU, get a dictionary. Sheesh.

minouminou · 29/03/2014 16:46

I remember being at an engagement party at someone's house some years back. One of the other guests was a v strident woman who was dominating half a room, going on at GREAT LENGTHS about her work-related stress levels. It went on and on and on and on.....every minute or so, we'd hear "yaddah yaddah my STRESS levels....yaddah yaddah, STRESS levels..."

Was she boring? Yes.
Was it a bit self-indulgent? Yes.
Would I have shouted in her face? Hell no.

Sounds like the OP just got on a roll and went for it. Presumably her female friend has trusted her with similar.
I've been on the receiving end of rants like this, and I think that either the person really needs to offload and I'm glad I'm there for them. Orrr...yes, whinging on a bit, but it's not the end of the world.

OP, have you heard anything?

minouminou · 29/03/2014 16:48

Hang on...can I just check something?
Was it a more casual supper type evening or a more formal dinner?

Did the two blokes sidle off because they weren't expected to stay at the table the entire time?

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 29/03/2014 16:59

I agree it sounds like he could be abusive.

Thinking it's OK to yell in a woman's face? Check.

Wife thinks it's normal/too scared to say anything? Check.

If you never do call them again, then he has successfully isolated her from one of her friends. Check.

It's not the only explanation, but it does fit the evidence.

I'd ask her about it, mrsr. If she says, 'Oh, he's great 90% of the time, and such a good dad...' then you have your answer.

HesterShaw · 29/03/2014 17:18

Bearbhind, you are so missing the point with all your talk of boringness, harping on and so on. It is NEVER ok to shout in your host's face after an evening so loudly and aggressively that your spit lands on their face and they are left feeling upset and shaken. Never. No matter what your host and your wife have been chatting about, and whether you did or didn't find it interesting. Jeez.

And I have spent loads of evenings with people in which two people chat about this and two people chat about that. Yes, even if there are only four of us. It's not weird. But this doesn't even matter because you do not shout in someone's face simply because you didn't like the topic of conversation. Oh hang on, lots of people have pointed that out lots of times... Hmm

StainlessSteelBegonia · 29/03/2014 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KeatsiePie · 29/03/2014 17:30

minou I wondered that too, whether everyone stayed at the table.

As a side note if I'd gotten into Caitlin's situation and had to leave it would not have occurred to me that I was being rude to the host. Being rude by leaving early? How is that rude?

Although wait hmm now as I think it over I feel like maybe I would feel guilty. Not sure why though. Sometimes you have to leave early. I wonder if there's a minimum amount of time one should stay to not be rude.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 29/03/2014 17:37

bearbehind, are you sure you have never been in a group of 4 at dinner where there were 2 different conversations going?? I find this hard to believe.

route1 · 29/03/2014 17:39

No sign that the dh was tiptoeing around - in fact he counselled the OP that the man is a bit odd and to forget about it. No mention by the OP that her friend is on eggshells around him - in fact 'adores' him.

Sounds as if he was attempting a jokey remark and it came out wrong as he is not very good socially.

OP sounds a bit highly strung and odd herself - she feels 'violated', that is very extreme language for the situation and to talk about your work at a dinner party for so long, however dynamic it seems to you, is not acceptable.

FabBakerGirl · 29/03/2014 17:42

He was a twat but feeling violated is an over reaction.

Salmotrutta · 29/03/2014 17:45

Keatsie - if your point about leaving early not being rude to the hosts was directed at me because I asked Caitlin a question then can I just point out I never said it was rude.

I asked if it wasn't a "bit unfair".

Caitlin17 · 29/03/2014 18:08

salmon in my case this was at the end of a day where a group of us had been out together since around mid-day , the person who bored me in to leaving only turned up at the end. The host had provided the final venue and a main course, I had provided snacks and home made sweets for the day part and cheese and pudding for the evening so no, it was not unfair on the hosts.

Bearbehind · 29/03/2014 18:18

are you sure you have never been in a group of 4 at dinner where there were 2 different conversations going?? I find this hard to believe.

Not for 40 minutes out of a 2 hour evening, when it's clear there are 2 very different topics of conversation and I am boring the hell out of my guests.

As for my approach being 'a bit of a gift to abusers' - given the only people who truly know what happened are those that were there on the night- I find it far more morally, and undoubtedly statistically, likely to prefer to reach the conclusion that the OP is somewhat boring and self absorbed as opposed to deciding, an undoubtedly rude, man is abusive.

HesterShaw · 29/03/2014 18:34

But shouting and swearing in someone's face IS abusive behaviour. That is fact.

Your conclusion that someone might have been talking about something you find dull is not fact.

WottaTheOdds · 29/03/2014 18:41

Bearbehind every time I feel I have to say something here you say it (far more eloquently) so I have just been leaving you to get on with it but enough is enough: I am bringing on reinforcements.

But that sort of behaviour isn't normal. It just isn't.

On the face of it I totally agree with this (sorry cannot remember who posted this) but we only have the OP's take on it. Fair enough but this is the same OP who thinks it is okay to spend 40 minutes out of about 140 dominating the conversation with people who are her guests, who asserts beyond every possible suggestion to the contrary that not only is this not boring but enthralling, and who thinks that serving a veggie meal to a vegetarian is a big deal. If by big deal you mean totally not worth mentioning even on AIBU even when all other possible arguments have run out I would agree with you. Nod in the direction of Andy Zaltzman and Jon Oliver there

Just to be clear, I do not think his behaviour (even if exaggerated) is acceptable but I think we are WAY short of evidence to start accusing him of abuse. I do think however that the OP on her account operates to a code of hostessing conduct which I would not consider acceptable.

expatinscotland · 29/03/2014 18:41

The amount of people apologising for this abusive cunt is shocking.

Have you rung them, OP?

On balance, I'd dump the pair of them.

Bearbehind · 29/03/2014 18:42

Facts based on the OP's side of the story are not necessarily facts.

She might have thought he yelled at her but given his wife didn't react to it at all and didn't feel it appropriate to apologise or call today, I don't entirely believe her side of the story.

Her insistence that her work problems 'are not boring' and that her friend was 'enthralled' by them are far more dubious IMO.

WottaTheOdds · 29/03/2014 18:43

Oh and OP you would be beyond U to ring your friend up about it. But don't let that stop you.