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AIBU?

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Original poster

to confront my friend about her husband's behaviour?

359 replies

mrsruffallo · 29/03/2014 10:37

I am having a hard time at work. Invited friend and her dh over for dinner last night and had a real moan about it. As they were leaving I thanked her for listening to me ranting and her husband leaned over me and yelled hard enough for spittle to hit my face, " next time tell someone who gives a shit!". They then left, whilst I attempted to laugh it off. I really want to ring her this morning but another part of me just wants to wash her hands of the whole situation.

OP posts:
Caitlin17 · 29/03/2014 14:09

Plenty of people have told the OP she might have been a bit of a bore . She probably was.

A couple of weeks ago I got stuck listening to someone drone on and on and on about themselves. It killed conversation. I got out of it by saying I felt unwell and left (husband actually thought I was unwell as I'd sort of retreated into myself)

The bore wasn't the host or hostess but the same applies. If it is unbearably boring just leave.

BadgerB · 29/03/2014 14:09

Crinkle77 -" he felt you were rude for monopolising the conversation."

So HE gets to make decisions on good manners then? And if OP fails to meet his high standards HE demonstrates 'proper' behaviour!

If someone has a problem, or if they only think they have and are worried, to indicate aggressively that you don't give a damn is beyond rude.
And I wouldn't socialise with a man who calls his daughter's friends c--ts. Ever

Fullpleatherjacket · 29/03/2014 14:12

He sounds utterly aggressive and intimidating.

However bored he may have been there is no excuse for behaving like that.

He would never darken my doorstep again.

Salmotrutta · 29/03/2014 14:18

No matter how bored or uninterested you are in someone else's conversation it's completely ignorant and uncouth to react the way this man did.

And if good hosts are not supposed to bore their guests or subject them to monologues then equally being a good guest requires you to listen politely and feign interest.

... And have a moan in the car on the way home instead.

Martorana · 29/03/2014 14:18

Why not confront the husband about his behaviour- why would you confront your friend?

Salmotrutta · 29/03/2014 14:21

Caitlin17 - couldn't you just have manoeuvred yourself away from this boring person rather than leave early?

Isn't leaving early because of another guest a bit unfair on the host?

Bearbehind · 29/03/2014 14:24

And if good hosts are not supposed to bore their guests or subject them to monologues then equally being a good guest requires you to listen politely and feign interest.

If the former happened the latter wouldn't be necessary.

It sounds like this man has 'form' for being forthright/ rude (but not necessarily abusive) so I wouldn't choose to keep his company but that doesn't mean taking it up with/ out on his wife.

If the OP invited a known-to-be rude man for dinner then bored him to tears, his rude reaction, whilst not defensible, can hardly have been a surprise.

Salmotrutta · 29/03/2014 14:29

Thing is though, we don't know how interesting the OPs work problem is - it might have been riveting stuff.

And the friends husband was chatting to OPs husband anyway so he was hardly being subjected to one long monologue was he?

Unless he saw his wife's eyes glazing over and decided to speak on her behalf.

But he was still an uncouth boor.

Caitlin17 · 29/03/2014 14:30

Salmon not easily and to be honest I was starting to get a headache. It wasn't unfair on the hosts, it wasn't a formal dinner party.

EurotrashGirl · 29/03/2014 14:30

Real friends will understand that you are going through a hard time and will be willing to listen. I would speak to your friend about this when you are feeling calm. Explain that her husband's behavior upset you, and you will not be inviting him to your house in the future.

phantomnamechanger · 29/03/2014 14:33

He sounds like an utterly vile man and I would be having absolutely nothing to do with him again. That behaviour should not be deemed reasonable in anyone's world. Your friend must know this. If she doesn't realise what a nasty piece of work she is with then I pity her if she thinks he's a catch. I do agree that we can safely assume that if sober and as a guest in someone's house he thinks that's OK, then goodness knows how he speaks to her at home!

I am astounded by anyone at all trying to lay the blame at OPs door for being a boring or inconsiderate host. She talked, ok quite a bit but not exclusively, about something that was on her mind. so what. it could have been about her parents dementia, or her concerns about money or whatever - it is never ok to respond with "tell someone who gives a shit"

blanchedeveraux · 29/03/2014 14:37

Similar thing happened to me and DH years ago, but DH got the brunt of it. We were friendly with this couple and had been round at their house for drinks. Just as we were getting up to leave the bloke turned on my DH for absolutely no reason and was totally horrible and aggressive to him. I was shaking and in tears about it, DH was quietly fuming.

Next day the female of the couple rang up and apologised "for him". To keep the peace we accepted it and continued socialising with them. About 6 months later the exact same thing happened. This time when she rang up the following day to again apologise "for him" I advised her that I wouldn't be accepting it, if he wasn't man enough to apologise for himself, then not to bother.

We saw them as part of a group for a while longer but the friendship effectively started to die off after that. I heard through the grapevine that he had behaved like this towards other people as well. Arsehole and best avoided.

EurotrashGirl · 29/03/2014 14:38

I've listened to my friends talk about their family/work/relationship problems for hours and hours. But I don't mind. I'm happy to do it, BECAUSE THEY ARE MY FRIENDS AND I CARE ABOUT THEM!

chateauferret · 29/03/2014 14:40

He is presumably a grown-up. If any of the others weren't happy to discuss the subject at issue they could have changed the subject or said they were uncomfortable. Or they could have excused themselves and gone and discussed football or Grand Prix or computers or whatever lit their candles. Or God forfend he could have tried listening, contributing and being supportive.

Instead he sat and seethed like a baby for 40 minutes then, even when given an unsolicited and frankly unwarranted apology he yelled, swore and spat at his hostess.

This identifies him clearly as a truly spectacular twat, a master fuckwit and a heavyweight arsehole.

Excommunicate immediately.

Rexandralpf · 29/03/2014 14:40

I think it's sad. You made him a special meal, had a nice time together and he is unessessarily rude. Spitting in tour face aggressively is uncalled for no matter how boring you were. He didn't have to listen, he could have chatted to your DH.

phantomnamechanger · 29/03/2014 14:41

exactly eurotrash- it sounds like this bloke was jealous that his OH was devoting her time to listening and being a good friend rather than him being the centre of her attention all night

Rexandralpf · 29/03/2014 14:41

Yep he could have just changed the topic of conversation. No need for rudeness

Bearbehind · 29/03/2014 14:50

Yep he could have just changed the topic of conversation. No need for rudeness

But it does sound like he tried to by having an alternate conversation with the OP's DH.

She chose not to join that conversation and instead carried on with her conversation.

I do think that his wife probably agreed with him if she didn't even look remotely shocked at what he said.

chateauferret · 29/03/2014 14:52

@Bearbehind so if you saw this behaviour in a new DP you wouldn't think it a red flag, no? I bloody would.

Bearbehind · 29/03/2014 14:59

But it's not a new DP, it's someone the OP knows has a penchant for being rude and someone who's wife didn't react at all to the comment, implying she agreed.

SixOfTheBest · 29/03/2014 15:03

Or maybe she was scared to show she disagreed?

Bearbehind · 29/03/2014 15:06

Then it's doubtful she'd 'smile drunkenly'

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 29/03/2014 15:15

If the wife wasn't shocked by his behaviour, it implies to me that she is used to it.

It doesn't matter how boring the OP was or wasn't being for that 40mins during the dinner - shouting abuse and swearing at her is inexcusable.

cees · 29/03/2014 15:21

YANBU

He was a dick, plain and simple a complete bollocks.

It doesn't matter how dull he found the conversation, nobody tied him to the chair or broke his legs so he could have got up and pissed off at any time, he chose not to. Instead he acted like an angry idiot.

5Foot5 · 29/03/2014 15:25

I'm surprised so many people have jumped to the conclusion that this bloke is an abusive arsehole on the basis of the facts reported.

Really? But that sort of behaviour isn't normal. It just isn't. Doesn't matter how bored he got with the conversation (and for all we know maybe the OPs work-related story was interesting) even if he was so bored he felt like gnawing his own leg off, that does not excuse this behaviour.

The behaviour can't even be explained away as drink-related. To me it makes him sound seriously unbalanced. I would be very shocked and unsettled if I witnessed this sort of reaction.