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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to confront my friend about her husband's behaviour?

359 replies

mrsruffallo · 29/03/2014 10:37

I am having a hard time at work. Invited friend and her dh over for dinner last night and had a real moan about it. As they were leaving I thanked her for listening to me ranting and her husband leaned over me and yelled hard enough for spittle to hit my face, " next time tell someone who gives a shit!". They then left, whilst I attempted to laugh it off. I really want to ring her this morning but another part of me just wants to wash her hands of the whole situation.

OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 29/03/2014 12:22

However long you went on about work for, (and I've probably listened to friends for similar lengths of time but it doesn't bother me), he was rude and aggressive and there was no need for that behaviour.

ShadowFall · 29/03/2014 12:28

I'm also surprised by how many people are excusing this behaviour on the grounds that the DH may have been bored by listening to the OP's problems.

Even if the OP's work problems had been the most boring thing in the entire history of the world (not saying that they are, OP) it would still be incredibly rude to yell in her face that he didn't give a shit. Not seeing how it could be interpreted as jokey either.

Whocansay · 29/03/2014 12:30

He sounds rude and nasty. I don't think I would say anything though - if I wanted to keep the friendship. I just wouldn't have him over again. If she asks, tell her why.

I'm not sure why people are giving you a hard time. When something big happens, at work or otherwise, I think we all tend to go on a bit to our friends. I certainly do! Isn't that part of friendship? Being able to support your friends and be supported in turn? From what you've said OP, it doesn't sound like your friend minded or was bored.

YNK · 29/03/2014 12:31

I can't believe how many people are blaming the woman for the mans behaviour!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 29/03/2014 12:31

I don't think anyone HAS excused his behaviour. Most people have mentioned that maybe mrsr might have gone on about work a bit too long but everyone who has said that also said that was no excuse for him being so over the top.

flossfour · 29/03/2014 12:37

Sounds to me as though you should feel very sorry for your friend being married to such an arse! A 'conspiracy theorist' who ensures he has to have a 'special' meal made for him alone. If I had gone to a friend's house for dinner and she was having problems at work - I would want to know all about it and if OH had an issue it would be their problem.

Like the text her idea, otherwise it sounds like he's gotten her so dependant on him now she will choose him every time. Nothing you can do until she wakes up - drop her and either try to forget the experience or let her know why.

Sorry this happened, gonna play on your mind now for a while obviously!

bebows · 29/03/2014 12:40

frirnd was enthralled

really? About a rant of a work problem she was not involved in, sounds a riotous evening. I bet they will be ringing to hear the next instalment any time now

HesterShaw · 29/03/2014 12:41

Proud of that little contribution are you bebows? Having a bad day?

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 29/03/2014 12:42

Awful, awful behaviour on his part. That would be the last meal I ever cooked for him that's for sure.

I would also be worried for my friend - this is classic abusive behaviour. He would never have dared do this with your dh in the same room. Nasty man. Who does that? - get in their host's face and shout in their face like that. I would be very shocked and upset indeed, OP. Anyone defending his behaviour must have very different social circles to me.

I would try to keep the friendship with my friend - but not socialise with him ever again. I would also mention it to her along the lines that balloonslayer suggested.

knickernicker · 29/03/2014 12:46

I agree with balloon slayer's post.
I would ditch them both by being generally non committal for future arrangements. He certainly won't see that he was wrong and its almost certain that she'd be more willing to accept what he did than acknowledge your hurt.

Ditch them both.

CeliaFate · 29/03/2014 12:49

I've thought more about this and I would contact them - to let them know how hideously rude the "h" is and that you don't want to speak to him again.

YNK · 29/03/2014 12:50

Has no one here heard of Stockholm Syndrome?

justasmallone · 29/03/2014 12:53

You may not find it boring but he clearly did.

SelectAUserName · 29/03/2014 12:53

If the friend was as interested as the OP says - and I'd certainly be interested in my close friends' work issues, and would (and have) happily listened to them talk about similar for 40 minutes-plus - then he wasn't just rude to the OP, he was indirectly dismissive about his wife finding it interesting too.

He may not have known the back story to the same extent as his DW, he may have been bored - but he was in the OP's house, having eaten the OP's food and he doesn't even have the 'excuse' of having been drunk, so the polite thing to do would have been to say "hope you get it sorted" when the OP thanked her/them for listening to her work issue and saved any negativity for a private moan in the car afterwards.

I absolutely detest my close friend's husband and I find his endless braggadocio very wearing, but if I am at their house partaking of their hospitality I just nod, smile and make the occasional innocuous "really?" "never!" "goodness!" type comment. It would be rude of me, as a guest in their home, to do anything else.

OP, he sounds like an arse with a misplaced sense of humour and I would feel sorry for your friend rather than confronting her.

Crinkle77 · 29/03/2014 12:53

The husband was wrong to say what he did but 40 minutes is along time to moan about your work. Perhaps he felt you were rude for monopolising the conversation. Did you ask them about what they had been up to? Maybe he felt that you weren't interested in them at all.

Nancy66 · 29/03/2014 12:55

Just make a point of only meeting with your friend in future - without her partner in tow.

I've got a mate whose husband I can't stand, so I just don't see him.

somersethouse · 29/03/2014 12:58

I have a feeling that whatever mrsr had talked about, this charming gentleman would have come up with a reason to react like this.

Sadly I agree with knickerknickerand balloon

Now I hear that you went out of your way to cook him a different meal to boot, you obviously made a big effort and the more I think about it, the more I would most definitely be expecting an apology from your friend. The husband won't, he is an obvious nutter.

The friend should contact you today anyway to a) thank you for the evening and b) apologise for her husband (even if she can only bear to do it in a roundabout way.

justasmallone · 29/03/2014 13:00

I don't see the big deal about making a veggie, a veggie meal?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/03/2014 13:03

It was a mistake, OP, and a little bad-mannered I think, to use the evening for such a long offload. Your friend wouldn't have minded - drunk or not - but her husband isn't in your confidence, wasn't drinking and didn't appreciate it. There's nothing worse than being subjected to 'rants' and just because you think your work problem is interesting, doesn't mean that he would. Assuming that you'd been drinking also, it's very possible to miss the signs that would have told you to wind it up.

He was bad-mannered also in shouting at you. There's no excuse for that. Your husband has written it off as being insignificant. If it wasn't, he would have stuck up for you, wouldn't he?. Is it possible that you're sensitive to it and are perhaps overthinking the impact of what happened.

Don't extend an invite to him again; I would expect him to make his excuses also.

YNK · 29/03/2014 13:07

If my guess is right he will have continued to berate the friend when they got home about her friendship with you and how unreasonable you have both been toward HIM!
When in this situation I didn't know if I was on my arse or my elbow! The poor woman needs a friend and obviously enjoyed and appreciated your company. Let her know you don't hold her responsible, but you will not be including him in any other social occasions.
Offer sympathy for her oh's terrible and abusive behaviour and encourage her to question his motives.

ScarletStar · 29/03/2014 13:12

It's absolutely not your fault that your friend's husband was a rude pig. I cannot believe the attitude of some of the people on this thread.

somersethouse · 29/03/2014 13:13

Nobody id making a big deal about making a veggie meal justasmallone

If the OP had come on here and said 'last night I talked to my DH for 40 minutes about a work issue and at the end he screamed in my face, so agressively that I could feel his spit, 'tell someone who gives a shit'' I am pretty sure that people would wade in with cries, quite rightly, that the DH was overly agressive, to LTB, that the behaviour was unacceptable, they wouldn't put up with it etc, etc.

This is the husband of her friend and I am AMAZED how many of you are saying she was out of order by boring him. Now it is being insinuated that she may have exaggerated it. Good grief, you simply don't shout in someones face like that, end of. No matter how boring you have found them. I repeat, I don't think talking about work, families, relationships is boring. If you don't talk about that, what the hell do you talk about.

Conspiracy theory maybe?

I give up.

HesterShaw · 29/03/2014 13:13

Do some of you just not get it? It doesn't MATTER what the OP was talking about and for how long. There shouldn't be any discussion about that. The guy was rude, aggressive and thoroughly repulsive.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 29/03/2014 13:14

So what if he was bored, justasmallone - that doesn't in any way excuse such nasty, aggressive behaviour, does it?

waltermittymissus · 29/03/2014 13:16

There's absolutely NO excuse for his treatment of OP. None.