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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to confront my friend about her husband's behaviour?

359 replies

mrsruffallo · 29/03/2014 10:37

I am having a hard time at work. Invited friend and her dh over for dinner last night and had a real moan about it. As they were leaving I thanked her for listening to me ranting and her husband leaned over me and yelled hard enough for spittle to hit my face, " next time tell someone who gives a shit!". They then left, whilst I attempted to laugh it off. I really want to ring her this morning but another part of me just wants to wash her hands of the whole situation.

OP posts:
MrsSteptoe · 29/03/2014 11:30

Piglet, I think the OP said upthread that he was driving and therefore sober (which for me does put him in a much more unpleasant light)

Original poster
mrsruffallo · 29/03/2014 11:31

piglet, I have already stated that he wasnt d
runk

OP posts:
Annoyed99 · 29/03/2014 11:33

Whatever this guy thought of the company that evening, what he did was aggressive and rude. I wouldn't dare behave like that towards my host Shock. He has no excuses and clearly has no manners either. Sorry this happened op. I'd be very upset in the sane circumstances Wine or Brew.

Bearbehind · 29/03/2014 11:35

Given that you had been drinking and he hadn't, is it possible you've over egged how it was said, if he said something close you your face he could have spat a bit without actually being aggressive.

Could he have meant it in a jokey attempt at a 'quiet word in your ear' type thing.

I think the fact that your friend, who was supposedly so enthralled with the conversation, did nothing and hasn't called you about it, speaks volumes.

HowContraryMary · 29/03/2014 11:36

to violate means to sexually assault.

Somewhat of an over reaction on everyones part. Your DH seems the most sensible person there last night.

Grennie · 29/03/2014 11:36

Piglet -What he did was certainly not moaning. He was extremely rude and aggressive.

YouTheCat · 29/03/2014 11:37

It's makes no difference who had had a drink. Makes no difference if the OP is the most boring person on the planet (though I'm sure she's not).

Getting in someone's face and shouting at them after they have offered you hospitality is just very very rude.

Grennie · 29/03/2014 11:37

I am always amazed on MN how there are always people looking to excuse the most outrageous behaviour.

jugofwildflowers · 29/03/2014 11:38

I have a very dear friend who I invite to dinner parties but she has a habit of talking nonstop about her evil ex and does not know when to stop, doesn't get the cues when people have heard enough and most of the time people are too polite to say anything.

As she can dominate the conversation my dh and I have had to develop diplomatic means by which we steer her off topic. It sounds as if you all had too much to drink, he was obviously comfortable enough in your presence to say what he did and thought he was being witty or he was genuinely bored to tears with your rant and didn't have the diplomacy to keep it to himself.

So basically either way you had a rude guest and you can either draw a line under it or get to the bottom of it.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 29/03/2014 11:39

To be honest I think you were both rude. Was rude of you to rant about work problems for that long when your friend's dh was there. That situation is COMPLETELY different from you and your mate having a girlie night to offload with each other. So I can see where he's coming from. He may have even have tried to show signs during your ranting that he thought it was tedious and rude but maybe if you were all drunk you didn't notice and take the hint to change the subject.

HOWEVER, he was even more rude to say what he did in the manner in which he said it. Completely out of order. Sounds like the thought was in his head and the alcohol just made him verbalise it. I bet your friend is very embarrassed.

I don't think you'll have any problems next time as I bet he won't accept an offer for a couples night again anyway if he found it that tedious. So you can just have a girlie night and offload all you like with your friend.

somersethouse · 29/03/2014 11:40

Piglet the OP was talking to her friend about something that happened at work, it sounds interesting actually! I wish I knew what it was! The friend was interested. The obnoxious husband was talking to OP's DH and/or joining in other discussion.

It is flattering to be asked opinions on a problem by friends. It is also interesting. Well, I think so.

It was at the end of the evening. This is not a question about whether the OP is boring, which several posters have decided to wade in on, it is a question of a man shouting so agressively in her face at the end of the evening that she felt his spit.

Please don't keep adding to her paranoia. It is bad enough haeing a dinner party, you always worry afterwards, let alone with this sort of behaviour from her friends (D)H.

YNK · 29/03/2014 11:41

This sounds like my abusive exH.

Any family or social contact I had was sabotaged in a similar fashion. The fact that he waited until he was out of earshot of your DH and on the way out the door meant he took you (and her) by surprise and left him unchallenged.

It's amazing how well this worked to isolate me!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 29/03/2014 11:42

Sorry, just noticed that he wasn't drunk.

So he's either a twat, or maye he had got to the end of his tether if you had gone on and on without taking the hint.

Either way he won't be round again I'm sure

aermingers · 29/03/2014 11:47

I'm wondering how much history is behind this.

I can't say for certain it's the case here but I've certainly known people who ignore and dismiss everyone else's problems but can bore on for England about their own. Perhaps if you saw your wife constantly being taken for granted by a self centred self absorbed friend then it might lead to frustration to boil over? Talking for 40 mins about a work problem is very excessive.

Like I said that's just pure speculation. But I would bet my right leg there is more to it from the guests side.

hunreeeal · 29/03/2014 11:48

Friends are meant to be there for each other and listen when the other is having trouble. Even if it isn't particularly scintillating, you make the effort to listen and understand because they are your friend. You've done nothing wrong in feeling you can open up to people who are supposed to be good friends. He was very rude.

aermingers · 29/03/2014 11:48

She doesn't say she asked for an opini

aermingers · 29/03/2014 11:49

Sorry, that she asked for an opinion or it was talked over. She moaned for 40 minutes, her friend listened.

justasmallone · 29/03/2014 11:55

It was out of order. Not sure what you should do.

However, i don't think an evening meal with friends is the place to discuss it for more than a few minutes, sorry but the sounds like a real downer.

YNK · 29/03/2014 12:01

I think he was jealous of your relationship.

I bet when they got home she was berated for being selfish to listen to you.

Dont let him sabotage your relationship with your friend. I bet she is mortified and feeling rotten. Cut him out of your relationship and offer her some sympathy. She is married to an abusive arsehole!

Original poster
mrsruffallo · 29/03/2014 12:08

As I said, my work problemis not boring. Anyway, it is more the fact that I had cooked for him, avegetarian meal for him in particular. I take a lot of care in making good food forfriends. I am shocked at how many people are blaming me! Maybe I am oversensitive but this is not how people behave in my everyday life, some of you seem to think I deserve what I got based on little more than a few posts. I am aware of being a good hostess and my work problem was actually quite dynamic. Even if he was bored, dh was there and they were tslking amongst themselves too. I would never dotnis, even if bored. I think thats it for me.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 29/03/2014 12:12

Maybe, when she sobers up this morning, your friend will remember her dp's behaviour, and will realise how unacceptable it was, and you will get an apology.

If not, I would be tempted to text her: 'Hi Friend, it was lovely to see you last night, and I appreciated you listening whilst I unloaded my current work stresses onto you. However, your dh's verbal attack, at the end of the evening, has left me very upset and shaken. I do not think anything I did or said deserved such an aggressive attack in my own home. Love, mrsruffalo'

If she is sorry, and can see how out of line he was, then you can start to move past it. If not, it would damage the friendship, for me.

Nomama · 29/03/2014 12:13

Why are you so bothered?

You know he is a total twat. You know you aren't particularly keen on him anyway. I suppose the sad bit is you may have lost a friend.

Then again, if she hasn't been on the phone all embarrassed about it she may not be worth worrying about either. I'd have murdered mine if he had done that - and I wouldn't care if the host had been the most boring pillock in christendom!

Chin up! There's no room for total twats in your life. Smile

Macocious · 29/03/2014 12:20

Even if he was wound up by all the work talk, couldn't he have expressed himself in a less aggressive way? I wouldn't let someone speak to me like that. He sounds quite scary to me.

HesterShaw · 29/03/2014 12:21

I agree with Grennie. I can't believe people are excusing this horrible pig. Are we not allowed to discuss problems with friends now, for fear they "don't give a shit"? Are we all supposed to sit around lightly discussing reality tv or somesuch bollocks just so we don't worry about boring some horrible twat.

The irony being of course is that reality tv is as dull as shit.

BalloonSlayer · 29/03/2014 12:22

Don't contact her.

If she contacts you saying "we must do that again soon" reply with something like "Er, no, not after your husband was so outrageously rude and aggressive." and take it from there.

If she doesn't take it seriously, I would take the tack of " Does he do this to you then? Scream swearing and insults into your face? So that you get covered in his spit? Is that why you think this is OK? It really isn't. I'm here if you need to talk. " Which is a) perfectly true and b) will piss her off nicely if she is as bad as him/thinks it's funny.

Even if she apologises for him Hmm or gets him to apologise I would never bother socialising with him again. How would you be able to relax? Twat.