Role reversal in our house. AIBU?

[Blondlittlelady]

I've been a sahm by default more then choice for four years.

Dc 12, 9, 6 & 6 weeks. An old colleague has contacted me & offered me a great job from September but the down side, travel, hours & a long commute.

Dh job isn't particularly well paid. It's not a career, it's a job he took after being made redundant 3 years ago. It's not well paid, this is the main issue actually. I potentially could earn twice what he does.

Dh says he wont be able to cope with the dc. He works shifts & over 7 days so he'd need to give up his job or adjust his hours & become the main carer for the dc.

We've had a massive row. I think he's being totally selfish. He thinks I am.

I feel like this will probably be one of the last chances I have to get back into my chosen profession. I'm in my 40 's. I will be able to offer my family a better standard of living. I obviously feel guilty about the dc, especially the baby but I really believe dh can do all I currently do, he just choses not to.

So AIBU or is dh?

Janey go easy on the op!

I think you & your dp need to work out exactly what you both want from your situation. You both need to find a compromise.

Yes, I've said all along I think discussion and negotiation is the way to go,
And with both parents working, he should step up and take on his share of responsibility for things at home. But I still think its utterly wrong for anyone ever to demand their partner gives up work. Work is about so much more than money- it's about self esteem, socialising, remaining employable and for someone who has been through redundancy those things are perhaps even more important. He may say he dislikes his job but his actions suggest that he prefers it to the thought of not working at all. If he's constantly complaining about work though, he should stop- that kind of negativity is hard to live with

Washing - help him put a load on after dinner and he can hang it out/tumble dry it while a bay has it's nap.

Get a cleaner two mornings. Dh can keep it tidy and anything else can be shared by the two of you at the weekends.

Cooking - the three older ones can have school dinners and he can give them soup and sandwiches, cheese on toast, picky platter type meals with fruit and yogurt. Have something planned so that it is easy for him to concoct something for the two of you once the children are ready for bed.

Medical appointments - perhaps you could take time off, at least for the first few. I am the full time worker in our house and dh has never taken any of ours for an appointment and we have had many.

Organise clubs and playdates for the weekend.. Limit after school activities to things that make life easier at least until he is finding his feet.

The older children are old enough to be given tasks to do for pocket money.

So if he cares for the baby, does the school run (presumably the 12 year old can take themselves), keeps the place tidy with the help of the older two and gives them their tea you could take the job, if that's what you want, as he gets more used to it and the children get older it will become easier. I imaging it all seems a bit overwhelming at first thought.

He is in an inflexible job he hates and you have a good job opportunity that would boost the family income. This could be his escape route from that job, he can look for another one that works better for the family and means that he can pick up some of your share of the household duties so you can take the job. If you were both earning you could afford childcare and possibly a cleaner.

If his job was well paid then childcare and a cleaner would already be possible. Its his poorly paid job that is actually restricting your choices in some ways and yet he doesn't want to change it if it means being a more hands on parent.

It's not a question of the DH refusing to "man up". Nor does it matter that he is doing a job he "hates". The fact that he has said he would rather stay in employment than be a SAHP is hardly a dramatic betrayal of his family.

He is presumably around the same age as the OP and like the OP no doubt hopes to advance his future salary and prospects. That is a lot easier to do if you are employed, as we all know.

He is entitled to be concerned that giving up his job will mean his future prospects are even worse than they are now.

I can't see how a 60 hour a week job involving lots of travel for twice a driver's salary is such a fantastic opportunity in OP's circumstances. However if it is going to lead to better things then surely it's worth investigating childcare options to make it happen?

Especially if you have 6 months to sort that out.

But he is refusing to consider the alternatives or look at changing to a compatible job. At the moment, they both have jobs they want to do- although he says he hates his. The hours of them mean that they can't both have these jobs. The job op has been offered pays twice as much. It's a pretty simple choice ime. If they can find a better solution - he changes job and they use childcare for example, then great

But refusing to consider it is a betrayal of his family imo. It's certainly a betrayal of his wife who became a sahm through circumstances rather than desire.

The Dh has been saying before that he would rather be at home himself - so making it sound like wife has the easier deal. And now he has the opportunity, and at the same time they could double the family income - but now he has decided that he does not fancy it after all. Not offering any alternatives or looking for ways to make it work - just that he does not want to, and that's it. Selfish.

OP you really should take the job.