Role reversal in our house. AIBU?

[Blondlittlelady]

I've been a sahm by default more then choice for four years.

Dc 12, 9, 6 & 6 weeks. An old colleague has contacted me & offered me a great job from September but the down side, travel, hours & a long commute.

Dh job isn't particularly well paid. It's not a career, it's a job he took after being made redundant 3 years ago. It's not well paid, this is the main issue actually. I potentially could earn twice what he does.

Dh says he wont be able to cope with the dc. He works shifts & over 7 days so he'd need to give up his job or adjust his hours & become the main carer for the dc.

We've had a massive row. I think he's being totally selfish. He thinks I am.

I feel like this will probably be one of the last chances I have to get back into my chosen profession. I'm in my 40 's. I will be able to offer my family a better standard of living. I obviously feel guilty about the dc, especially the baby but I really believe dh can do all I currently do, he just choses not to.

So AIBU or is dh?

She isn't demanding her give up work. He isn't discussing it maturely. He is just saying he doesn't want to look after his kids full time - probably because he knows exactly what is involved.

eight I disagree with your point about childcare being easier when they're older. IMO childcare is actually easiest when they're pre school age. Once they start reception, you've got to factor in the shorter school day, holidays, INSET days, assemblies, parents evenings, what to do when they're ill, after school activities and so on. Plus they need you around more when they're older. Teens doing GCSEs and A levels often need a lot of emotional support.

I hardly think she wants to take this job to make her life easier!! .

If he's on a low wage then they'll be in receipt of tax credits with 4 children.

I don't see anything in what the op has posted that suggests to me that they could remotely afford a nanny.

I earn 24k a year. Dh earns about 16k. We only have 2 children and we certainly can't afford a nanny so we both work around a mixture of childcare and pt working.

I'm very at her dh not looking at options such as reducing his hours or finding alternative work. And am absolutely at him saying he would be unable to care for his own house and children. Smacks of "don't want to" to me, and that's not part of being in partnership.

But even if he's saying he doesn't want to look after the dc full time, that decision should be respected. Some men make great SAHDs but it isn't for everyone.

Why is it ok for a woman to say she wants a career and doesn't want to be at home full time but not a man?

I can see both sides here.
You want a career and rightly so, but your dh doesn't think he can manage the dc.
Now, whilst we all know that many men don't pull their weight I believe that trying to change them can result in bitterness, resentment and marriage fail. You can't make somebody change. This is just the same as a sahm who has no choice in the matter, or a wohm who wants to be a sahm.

Because 99% of the time if a woman says she doesn't want to be at home full time her partner makes it very clear that it's up to her to make sure that her job pays for and fits in with childcare, because he is the higher earner eg "breadwinner" eg more essential to the family finances and she has to fit around him.

I see no problem with her dh doing the same here. It's not about gender, it's about paying the bills and how the family finances can be best managed now and in the future.

I've always assumed a nanny was about 30k a year (SE) plus a room to live in, is that the case?

Thanks for all the replies but its very obvious many people have posted without reading the thread propley.

Nanny... I wish!!

The main issue that appears to have been missed is that I am the main carer of the dc due to dh hours & shifts. That would be the biggest change. As dh would become responsible for the day to day stuff.

I work but it's cleaning/ caring/ babysitting type of work. I couldn't go back to my old career after redundancy due to dc health issues. He started school full time in January.

I supported dh in all his choices regarding work. He's always saying he'd rather be at home. So when I had the call from my friend I didn't demand dh give up his job! It was an opportunity for him to get out of a crap job.

After having a very long discussion, it turns out it's actually the idea of the childcare that dh doesn't feel he can cope with. The school runs, dentist appointments, hospital appointments, clubs, play dates, cm for the baby etc...

So ultimately I can't take the job.

We will carry on as we are until dc are all older.

oh just sort out some childcare and stop having a go at each other. neither of you can demand that the other stay at home, that's ridiculous. just because you find it tolerable to be a SAHP does not mean that your partner should. it just doesn't work like that. in fact, i think it's better that he has that insight into his capabilities now, and is expressing them rather than take on the role out of feeling he should and spiralling into depression.

i speak from the point of view of a couple who have experience of SAHM/SAHD/Both working at various points.

never read my bloody post!

calm down, it was a cross post. your post wasn't there when i started.

Doesn't feel he can cope with it all or just doesn't want to do it?

YANBU. You aren't asking him to be a SAHP, just find a way of working around your children. This seems completely reasonable to me, particularly if the alternative Is you not working at all and it would bring in more money.

Seems like a no brainier to me and he just needs to get over himself - I know that realistically this is going against the cultural grain and that is difficult. However if men won't shift we as women are stuck.

Both!

He's totally unreasonable, sorry. He's making his choice based solely on what is better for him personally, not the rest of the family unit. He's decided it suits him better for you to be at home - regardless of the fact you would be happier and have a higher income if you were working in a job which earns twice what he earns.

He needs to get over himself.

Why are you just accepting this OP? You said this would probably be a last chance for you.. Why should you give it up just at this first hurdle?

So he won't do the day to day stuff but he expects you to? Even though you never chose to become a SAHP, it just happened by default?

Even though the whole family including him would have a better standard of living? Even though he doesn't like his job?

He can't look after his own DC, it's unbelievable. Tell him from me that's the weakest excuse for a man I've heard of for a very long time.

Iggi-i can't force dh to care for the dc. He's said he can't cope with the idea of it.

Last chance to work at this sort of level, due to age, out of work too long, lack of opportunity...

I will return to work full time asap but not at this level.

would you earn enough to pay for some if not all the childcare?

i think you should take the job.

What an asshole.

Men fought for equal parenting responsiblities for children, but time and time again on MN these men don't seem to know what that means.

Op I angry on your behalf

Yep pinky that's exactly where we're at.

Feeling incredibly disappointed in dh.

It's not about childcare...

But...isn't he forcing you to by refusing to compromise? Why is that acceptable just because he's the man?

He wouldn't have to give up work completely by the sounds of it, just reduce his hours so that you could manage between him and childcare. He needs to get a grip

"He's always saying he'd rather be at home."

Oh, this would make me very very stabby. Has he spent four years telling you how lucky you are to be able to spend time with the kids and how he hates his job and wishes he could swap?