Role reversal in our house. AIBU?

[Blondlittlelady]

I've been a sahm by default more then choice for four years.

Dc 12, 9, 6 & 6 weeks. An old colleague has contacted me & offered me a great job from September but the down side, travel, hours & a long commute.

Dh job isn't particularly well paid. It's not a career, it's a job he took after being made redundant 3 years ago. It's not well paid, this is the main issue actually. I potentially could earn twice what he does.

Dh says he wont be able to cope with the dc. He works shifts & over 7 days so he'd need to give up his job or adjust his hours & become the main carer for the dc.

We've had a massive row. I think he's being totally selfish. He thinks I am.

I feel like this will probably be one of the last chances I have to get back into my chosen profession. I'm in my 40 's. I will be able to offer my family a better standard of living. I obviously feel guilty about the dc, especially the baby but I really believe dh can do all I currently do, he just choses not to.

So AIBU or is dh?

Take a look at child are in your area in a bit more detail. As a single parent I have no partner but have worked 12 hour says. Not ways easy but can be done. Of course though you are not single therefore your Dh should be prepared to step up to help, but to find a new job is a very big ask and quite likely unnecessary.

Blond- you explained about dc3 having some health issues but my point was really about you having a 4th child after a six year gap (ie all other kids at school) if you felt you'd always been at home by default rather than choice...

Anyway, you have 4 children so the thing now is to think long term and make this work. It may mean a short term financial hit with childcare but that's quite normal- many of us have worked for no immediate financial gain; it perhaps just seems strange to you because you've always fitted jobs around the children rather than taking the plunge and organising proper paid childcare.

As others have said, the 12 year old can surely get to and from school, so that makes life easier.
Middle two will need before and after school care, so it's only the youngest who will need all day care.

Be creative in your approach... Eg when our kids were older we used a local Uni student for summer holiday care... Worked brilliantly to plug that gap when our dc had outgrown holiday clubs and childminder but still needed supervision.

It may well mean not feeling any better off initially but you need to play the long game when it comes to work and childcare. But it would be very unreasonable for either partner to demand the other stops working just to make life easier for the other parent. Your DH has already been through the despondency of redundancy so you can't blame him at all for realising that its far easier to secure your future from a position of staying in work.

So now its emascualting and therefore demeaning for a man to care for his chilren but its fine for a woman? What century are some of you living in? No wonder some men have this view when women are parroting it. I think the point is parents whatever their gender have a duty to provide the best life they can for their children op dh is unwilling too.

There's nothing emasculating about looking after children or doing housework. The point is that neither partner should be pressured into stopping work against their will. Many families have both parents in work... The OP should stop demanding he gives up his job and work together to sort childcare

I think it's very unfair to expect one parent to give up their job to meet the needs of the other parent unless that is a situation both are happy with.

It the op wants to return to work they need to sit down and discuss a way for that to happen they are both happy with even if that means some compromise on both sides.

To basically say "I want this job so you have to stop working so I can" is wrong. It would be equally as wrong the other way round to, it's not a gender issue IMO.

Wasn't it somewhat unwise to have FOUR children when your finances were this precarious?

There's always one isn't there.

What's the point of asking the OP that ? Her children are here and there's nothing she can do about it. Is she supposed to send a couple of them "back" (somewhere) ?

Such judgemental remarks add nothing to the original question she asked other than to potentially cause anger and distress. You cannot possibly have any idea of the circumstances under which her children were conceived, e.g. not every child is planned, but some people would find it impossible to terminate. Regardless of the whys and wherefores however - as I said before, she can't change the fact of the matter.

This is why it is a good idea for a couple to discuss different scenarios before they settle down with children and a SAHM. Otherwise you are likely to end up in a situation where trying to achieve some kind of equality (both getting a decent stab at being the breadwinner) feels like somebody is suddenly moving the goalposts.

I became the main carer when dc were little, for the simple and common reason that the man in our family earned more money and neither of us earned enough for fulltime childcare. So not really a choice, and dh always knew that for me this was not the ideal solution, but that I was prepared to get on with it. You could call it a choice, but realistically all other choices would have been so bad for the rest of the family that I could not decently make them.

But it was always understood that this was one of all possible arrangements and that if circumstances (e.g. our respective earning potential) changed then we would reconsider.

Dh was also very aware of the dangers of me becoming unemployable later in life and not being able to build up a pension of my own should anything happen to him, so was very anxious to give me the opportunity to acquire any skills I could. At one time he took unpaid leave so I could work part-time for a while and build up qualifications, at another time he accepted that all my part-time wages went on childcare.

Basically, there was a constant recognition that children don't stay small forever, that parents grow older and find it more difficult to enter the job market, that a low salary won't be enough to buy a pension for a non-earning partner, and that children cost more as they grow older.

It sounds like your dh hasn't thought these things through and the whole thing has come as a bit of a shock. Maybe he just needs to sit down and think about it.

Not sure I can really give you any advice OP but I was in the vaguely similar position recently.
I became a SAHM by default as we both work shifts and childcare became impossible.
We earned the same ph but I was PT so I quit.

I didn't like it. I am a rubbish housewife and I did feel like a housewife rather than a SAHM.But I'm quite good at my job. I've recently gone back to work on a flexible basis so I'm pt again and working round DHs days off.
It feels a bit relentless but I'm happier and we are less concerned about money. DH is happy that I'm happy IYKWIM

What janey and Sirzey said must be the way forward: to sit down together and look for possible win-win solutions. Is there a way of finding cheaper childcare? Is there a way of working in shifts so the dp does evenings or weekends? Is there something/anything that MN hasn't thought of?

A six week old baby is a lot of work and it can be very difficult sometimes to remember how much easier it will be 6 months down the line. You need to find out exactly what he is worried about. Sit down and talk through (and work out the financial implications of) all possible scenarios and see you can find a solution. Perhaps if you had some childcare for the baby he would cope with the older ones.

Dh would not give up his job to look after our dc's. He would not have had a third dc if he had to look after them but was happy to go ahead as things stood. Dh was home for the older two but ds3 went to a childminder and then nursery.

You should be able to work if you want to but not at the family's expense.

You should take the job.

Can't he take parental leave for the first few months? And then if he really hates being a sahd he can go back to work and your higher pay will have to cover the childcare.

It isn't really fair to force him into being a sahd. Especially since he is already reluctant.

Do what the rest of us do - take the job and pay for childcare. And your DH has the time, between now and September, to look around for something with more regular hours (although looking for something that is term time and school hours only is a bit pie in the sky). Otherwise, nursery or childminder and an au pair is the way to go.

Get a nanny and both work.

I don't think you can demand that one person stays at home.

You can keep talking and try and work out a plan though. Because you have as much right to work as your dh.

We have had a role reversal here. Sort of by default too.
I'm now working 13 hour days plus a commute of 30 min each way and Dh is doing everything else. He's been doing it 6 months and I think he's a bit fed up of it all. I was the at home parent who worked around school hours and did all the in the house stuff, while he worked long hours and commuted until last summer. He's looking at part time and we'll use childcare for our Dd.
Maybe he can look for something part time and start by September when your job will start and use some childcare as well.
If money will allow I'd probably hire a house cleaner if that is the part he's not wanting to do.

YANBU. You should do what's best for the family, and generally having double the income is quite beneficial. And getting a nanny is not always an option - especially considering OP's and her DH's working hours. DH does not like his job, but could keep working if he adjusted his hours. But he just does not want to do childcare, and yes that is selfish.

Take the job!! Let's look at the worst case scenario - dh gets sick/dies/leaves. Brutally harsh vision of the future, but reading these boards you see what shit life throws at people. You will then be the sole earner anyway. Future-proof your dcs' lives. You'd be taking the safest option taking that job, not the selfish option.

My mum returned to work 2 weeks after a c section as she was self employed and my dad fucked off before I was born. We have a great relationship and we had a fantastic life together when I was a kid - but we needed her income and hard work to do it. I had a mix of nannies, child minding and day care, all beneficial as they were wonderful people - and I entered school at 4 confident, happy and already reading.

Good luck op - I think this is a non negotiable.

Why don't you both work and get a nanny?

Actually I think sharaluck has the solution. If your baby will only be 7ish months old then will he be able to take 4months parental leave without burning any bridges? (Not sure how it works when mum has been a SAHM.)

This will give you time to settle into the job and see if you love it or hate being away from the kids so much, him a chance to try out SAH parenting and / or investigate other work out there.

If you agree that if he is really unhappy at the end of it then you will figure out a way to make it possible for him to work then that may be more acceptable to him.

I don't think that one member of a couple should be forced (or feel pressured) to stay at home so the other can work.

If you both want to work, then work - and sort childcare b/w you. This means you may both have to compromise on the jobs/hours/careers you can persue.

Being A SAHP is a huge financial risk. You were willing to do it for a while, so was I. Your dh is not. That's fine too.

You need to talk this through. He can't stop you taking a job, you can't insist he provides the childcare to allow you to do so.

I think you're being very unreasonable to just randomly tell him to quit his job and be a house-husband so you can take up a long commute, travel and long hours. It's practically telling him you're leaving! He's not just 'watching the kids' while you're at work, he's potentially going to be a single parent for much of the time and barely see his wife. You want this job, get yourself a nanny. Your husband doesn't exist to pick up the slack while you chase your dreams.

Yes, if he expected me to give up work or change what I do so he could have the sort of job that makes me responsible for all the childcare.
My job/career may not be much compared to dh's -we agreed I would take a back seat to look after kids -but that doesn't mean he gets to unilaterally decide whether I can do it or not.