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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Role reversal in our house. AIBU?

182 replies

Blondlittlelady · 24/03/2014 22:17

I've been a sahm by default more then choice for four years.

Dc 12, 9, 6 & 6 weeks. An old colleague has contacted me & offered me a great job from September but the down side, travel, hours & a long commute.

Dh job isn't particularly well paid. It's not a career, it's a job he took after being made redundant 3 years ago. It's not well paid, this is the main issue actually. I potentially could earn twice what he does.

Dh says he wont be able to cope with the dc. He works shifts & over 7 days so he'd need to give up his job or adjust his hours & become the main carer for the dc.

We've had a massive row. I think he's being totally selfish. He thinks I am.

I feel like this will probably be one of the last chances I have to get back into my chosen profession. I'm in my 40 's. I will be able to offer my family a better standard of living. I obviously feel guilty about the dc, especially the baby but I really believe dh can do all I currently do, he just choses not to.

So AIBU or is dh?

OP posts:
olgaga · 25/03/2014 20:27

Yes I agree with janey.

If you are both working f/t there would need to be an equal division of the childcare and any other required household tasks during the time you're both at home.

When you read the SAHP/WOHP it's clear there are plenty of mums who would rather work even when finance is no problem.

I don't see why your need to resume your career should mean your DH has to give up his job.

Any more than I think a woman should be forced to be a SAHP if she doesn't want to.

Comparing going back to work with him having to "step up" in the case of OP's illness or death is ridiculous - you don't choose those!

FraidyCat · 25/03/2014 20:30

Why did your dp think it was a good idea to have 4 children if he doesn't like the idea of looking after them?!

Maybe he agreed to having them on the basis that she would be doing most of the work? In which case it would be perfectly reasonable not to allow the contract to be unilaterally rewritten by the other party.

If DW had told me in advance (when we discussed marriage and children) that our marriage would involve me spending days at home looking after children, that would have been the end of the relationship. Even if a time-traveller had told me that refusing would have the certain consequence of me being single and celibate for the rest of my life, I would have chosen that over looking after children, I was so horrified by the prospect. (I fear this paragraph may invite some questions, but any answers will have to wait for some future thread of my own.)

Original poster
Blondlittlelady · 25/03/2014 20:36

FraidyCat if I'd known I would end up cleaning with my 6 week old baby in a sling for 5 hours today,to help my family financially, as dh job is so poorly paid now, I would have ended the relationship!

People asking why we have 4 dc together?

12, 9, & 6 years ago we were in a totally different financial position.

Yet again, childcare isn't the issue in this situation!

Such shite!

OP posts:
FabBakerGirl · 25/03/2014 20:40

I wouldn't be able to live with my husband if he was like this.

You'd be better off kicking him out, paying for what help you need while you work and you would have one less child to clear up after.

NotGoodNotBad · 25/03/2014 20:43

If it's your last chance for a job at this level, as you say, why not take the job and get a nanny? As long as the nanny doesn't actually cost more than your take-home pay it would be worth it to keep on the career ladder.

Phineyj · 25/03/2014 20:43

But childcare is the issue. Someone has to do it, your DH doesn't want to, so if you'd be at work there's no option other than paying someone to do it (and surely that's a much better option than worrying your DH is making a hash of it/fielding constant phone calls for instructions while at work?)

kim147 · 25/03/2014 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sharaluck · 25/03/2014 21:00

You really need to take the job. I don't think your marriage will last the resentment otherwise.

Why won't he consider a trial and take parental leave?

What aspect of the childcare is he not wanting to do? Is it the idea of the long days at home- he could consider continuing work with more school friendly hours and putting baby into childcare.

The medical appointments- you will be able to take some time off for those anyway, so it is not as if the whole burden will be on him.

Play dates/ activities- I think once he actually experiences these he will see that that they actually help improve the sah experience Hmm

olgaga · 25/03/2014 21:06

Shara - as I explained in a previous post there is no parental leave unless there is maternity leave to be shared.

Iggi101 · 25/03/2014 21:11

In some jobs you can request a career break though. And of course he is entitled to request to work flexibly.

olgaga · 25/03/2014 21:12

Of course childcare is the issue!

You don't want to be doing full time childcare and housekeeping - neither does he.

Someone has to do it!

Original poster
Blondlittlelady · 25/03/2014 21:15

It's the washing, cleaning, cooking, medical appointments, clubs, playdates...All are outside of paid childcare. This is the stuff dh is concerned about.

I'm annoyed as i do whatever needs to be done for the good of our family.

I don't want to be working 60:hours per week. !

OP posts:
janey68 · 25/03/2014 21:15

If you're really serious about this, and you've had the good luck to be offered a well paid job after years out of a proper career, then you'd take the job, hands down. You would willingly look for a childminder and if necessary pay through the nose for it because you'd be looking at the long term gains.

I smell a rat somewhere here... Are you just piqued because you're fed up at home feeling unappreciated? If this opportunity is as good as you make it sound, you'd be jumping at it, not even bothering to come on MN and canvass opinions.

Another thing... Your finances may have been totally different 12, 9, 6 and 1 year ago when you decided to have your children... But i doubt your DH has undergone a personality transplant. Presumably he didn't like the idea of school runs, dentists appointments etc back then either so why on earth have 4 kids with someone with prehistoric views

Original poster
Blondlittlelady · 25/03/2014 21:20

I don't have an issue with being a sahm. I didn't chose it but if dh earned enough i wouldn't need to think about working.

Dh doesn't even get a choice about his holidays, they are allocated. He has no leave this year at the same time as our dc.

OP posts:
olgaga · 25/03/2014 21:24

I think you sound really fed up and undetvalued, that's understandable.

Don't fixate on this being your "last chance", I doubt that's the case.

Surely you can ask your former work colleague to keep you in mind for the future?

In 3 or 4 years life will no doubt be very different and you won't be that much older!

kim147 · 25/03/2014 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sharaluck · 25/03/2014 21:28

Yes sorry- I meant the unpaid leave that parents are now entitled to. www.gov.uk/parental-leave/entitlement

Op did say at in the original post that although he couldn't carry on in his job he could adjust his hours, so I assume there is some flexibility with his employment?

He is being very unfair to refuse due to basic housework! I can understand reluctance as caring for a baby could be a shock to the system (ways around this could be partime work with baby at childminder etc) but childcare for the older dc + housework is not as challenging and he should be at least open to a trial.

olgaga · 25/03/2014 21:30

I would rather have a partner who was honest than one who just fell in with my plans and then made a complete hash of it and was resentful too.

It sounds like your real dissatisfaction stems from the low paid low level job your DH now has, and you'd be happy to be a SAHP if he was earning decent money.

janey68 · 25/03/2014 21:31

So you don't have an issue with being a SAHM as long as your DH earns more? That's not what you started out saying, which was that youd never chosen to be a SAHM; rather youd fallen into it and now want something more. If you are quite happy being a SAHM, then embrace it, and don't punish your husband for having had the misfortune to be made redundant and having had to take on lower grade work. If you arent satisfied being a SAHM, then take this job and tell your DH he owes it to you to sit down and discuss properly the issue of paid childcare and how you will both carve up the household tasks. But either way it's ridiculous to demand he stops working

oranges · 25/03/2014 21:31

You are taking on cleaning jobs with baby in a sling and he won't step up to this?? you may be better without him and a live in nanny instead.

BuggersMuddle · 25/03/2014 21:53

OP you are being played like a fiddle.

Good enough for you (with the higher earning potential) but not good enough for him (even though it's time limited)?

Your DP is behaving like an arse and you are letting him. I'm not saying he should take on your role, but if you have the option to earn twice his salary, he should be trying to make it work. I'm angry on your behalf.

janey68 · 25/03/2014 22:36

I repeat: if you are currently cleaning with a 6 week old baby in a sling FGS then you'd jump at this chance to get a decent career back with good earning potential. Don't even think about it... It's not even until sept so you've got 6 whole months to book childcare.

I'm just a little confused about what exactly has gone on in the past... You say your finances were healthy enough 12, 9 , 6 and 1 year ago to embark on another pregnancy, yet they're so dire now, you're cleaning with a 6 week old baby round your neck? You see, the danger in that scenario is that you've been quite content to be a SAHM while your finances were better, but you're hacked off with the downturn. That's not a great reason to be pushing DH to give up his job. If you genuinely want to work again, that's different, but there is something in your posts which comes across as resentment, as though he has 'failed' you somehow by being made redundant and taking On a lesser job

StatisticallyChallenged · 25/03/2014 23:39

I don't think OP was a SAHM for long whilst finances were better - I think she was made redundant, at same time one of the DC had health problems which meant it was easier for someone to be at home for a bit. Then DH was made redundant and got this lower paid, shift working job maybe a year or so later?

Basically, he has a job which he doesn't like and which is only possible for him to sustain whilst you are willing to be a SAHM and do the lion's share of all the childcare and domestic tasks. You fell in to that role almost by accident and circumstances rather than some active decision from the start that you would be at home. He's not being fair or reasonable to anyone refusing to discuss this opportunity - if you are doing cleaning work with a tiny baby attached to you his income clearly isn't enough for a reasonable standard of living.

He needs to man the fuck up and realise that supporting your family doesn't necessarily mean being the breadwinner.

sleepyhead · 25/03/2014 23:44

Well I'd be pretty damn resentful if my dh insisted on staying in a job he hates just to get out of cleaning and childcare.

I'd be resentful that our lives were restricted by a level of income half of what would be possible if things were arranged otherwise, just so my husband could avoid dentist appointments and playdates.

I don't think I could be with a man who didn't want to play a full part in family life though and share the good times and the bad. I'm not sure I could respect a man like that. And that goes for someone on £100k as much as £10k. Getting all squeamish over the nitty gritty of running a house and a family isn't attractive.

pinkyredrose · 26/03/2014 00:06

What sleepyhead said.