Role reversal in our house. AIBU?

[Blondlittlelady]

I've been a sahm by default more then choice for four years.

Dc 12, 9, 6 & 6 weeks. An old colleague has contacted me & offered me a great job from September but the down side, travel, hours & a long commute.

Dh job isn't particularly well paid. It's not a career, it's a job he took after being made redundant 3 years ago. It's not well paid, this is the main issue actually. I potentially could earn twice what he does.

Dh says he wont be able to cope with the dc. He works shifts & over 7 days so he'd need to give up his job or adjust his hours & become the main carer for the dc.

We've had a massive row. I think he's being totally selfish. He thinks I am.

I feel like this will probably be one of the last chances I have to get back into my chosen profession. I'm in my 40 's. I will be able to offer my family a better standard of living. I obviously feel guilty about the dc, especially the baby but I really believe dh can do all I currently do, he just choses not to.

So AIBU or is dh?

I think you should grab the opportunity with both hands, great job offers don;t come along all that often. But if he insists on continuing to work, maybe consider his salary the childcare budget? (Without necessarily wording it that way!) If you can afford someone who can come to the house every weekday and do all the childcare and cleaning jobs you're both sorted!

It would be difficult, but not impossible, you know. Perhaps he will change his mind once he sees the extra money coming in, and how he could give up the crap job with not much difference to your income?

You really should go for it- it's a brilliant opportunity.

Why does he need to give up work or get a term time only job? Can't you get a nanny?

If you're going to be earning twice what DH is already earning, presumably you can afford it?

Equality should not mean that someone is forced into staying at home if they don't want to - I wouldn't!

Is his salary currently supporting you all? Surely that would stretch to an au pair's salary?

I am a single parent of twins and have no family. I have worked full time since they were 6 weeks old. Believe me, I know how difficult and expensive childcare is and it has almost broken me. But it is doable with a lot of will and a little creativity.

It sucks that people can't afford to work in this country. We have a massively messed up approach to childcare. .

Many couples find themselves in a situation where one person's job amounts to less or only marginally more than childcare costs, with the added disincentive that while working there is a lot more stress regarding childcare for illness, INSET days, etc. But although it may drive you close to the edge of your sanity and overdraft limit, it is so, so worth paying for childcare when long-term earnings and personal fulfilment are factored into it. Work is about so much more than your take-home pay. If you are the sort of person who needs independent validation outside of the home and family, it is vitally important. Unless it literally means starvation or homelessness (and in some cases it can ) it can be worth running a home at a loss for a year or two in order to maintain that sense of identity and solidarity.

I think it's a shame you're having this discussion now. I think it would have been better to have had it before you became the reluctant SAHP yourself.

Hire a nanny?

I think he's being selfish because 90% of women in this situation would congratulate their husbands and look to work part-time/flexible hours/find ways to make it work to enable them. I know they do as so many women do this on MN, it's the norm if anything.

Thetallesttower - I agree with you that women doing exactly what the OP is asking of her DH is perfectly normal and accepted, even expected, in our society.

That doesn't necessarily mean it's a good idea. Women are still subjected to so much social conditioning and guilt about their role as family kingpins and nurturers.

Being a SAHP is a wonderful role for the right person and hugely undervalued in this country. It's a demoralising disaster if you're not well suited to it, regardless of your gender.

Sorry, not sure who asked. I was made redundant. Then dc3 became ill so it was just more practical for me to stay at home. Ive done various part time & temp jobs over the last few years, just working around the dc. Cleaning, caring etc, i have worked around dh job.

Ultimately if dh really wants us to stay as we are, then we will. It just seems mad that we have an opportunity to make a massive difference to our lives but he isn't prepared to even try...

Ok - I think we were all assuming that he was earning about £50k and you'd earn £100k whereas it's more in the region of £15k and £30k. So nanny suggestions etc are no good.

But he hates his job, there's no career progression and it is badly paid. It still doesn't sound sensible for you to sacrifice your career for this.

Could you come up with suggestions as to how you could use some of the extra money if you wor€kend instead of him to make life easier for him as a SAHP? Eg cleaner or a student coming for a few hours a week to help out with the childcare?

OK, so if adjusting his hours is an option then that seems to be the way forward, even if it means losing shift allowance.

The baby would obviously need nursery/ CM care, but the older children would just (ha!) need wraparound and holiday care.

Are there ways to offload any of the other jobs- a cleaner, for example? Could the children go to a CM who provides dinner?

I agree that you should be able to make the most of this opportunity- the children are your DH's as much as yours.

Lol mum I wish!

Dahlen I kind of agree except- most women just get on with it even if they are not ideally suited to being at home. He could still work flexibly in a driving job even, what about taxis in the evenings and weekends? I get he doesn't want to stay completely at home, but neither does he want to enable his wife to work twice his salary, in a home with four kids and it sounds like not a huge income. I'm afraid in this situation he should be getting on with it, like millions of women have to because often childcare is more expensive than lowish pay- and it sounds like that would be the case here.

I just hate the fact that the immediate response for a man in this situation is -will he be happy, will he be fulfilled, does staying home suit him? That's the kind of thing you ask when you have lots of choices, if you don't earn so much and have quite a few children, surely there's a responsibility to maximise family income and him working the current hours isn't it.

I know I'm lucky to have a husband who did give up work three days a week when my dd was little and has relocated to support my career. I only found out how intrinsically sexist many set-ups are when I started reading about it on MN (men stropping cos their wives want to work, men not wanting to support higher earner).

Ahem. We're in this position, or we were. DW has the career, I have the driving job. She has always earned 50% per hour than me. I was SAHD/part time for most of DD's preschool and primary years.

DW got her dream job 3 years ago, and I worked round it. Occasionally I get the odd commemt about being a "kept man", but I put on my Bad Man Face and they shut up.

Childcare's not hard, apart from pairing the socks.

I'd take the job and sort out child are tbh. Sounds like you'll need a full time nanny. DH can keep working but step up and do 50% of all the house and child stuff like dealing with the schools or medical appointments.

If you're going to earn double what he currently earns then there should be room in the budget for a nanny?

Or better yet you work, DH does part time work and part time SAHP stuff and kids go into part time child care.

YANBU. He needs to swallow his pride and think of what's best for his family.

I just hate the fact that the immediate response for a man in this situation is -will he be happy, will he be fulfilled, does staying home suit him? That's the kind of thing you ask when you have lots of choices, if you don't earn so much and have quite a few children, surely there's a responsibility to maximise family income and him working the current hours isn't it.

I don't hate that people give thought as to whether a man would be happy and fulfilled staying at home. I just hate that they don't automatically give the same consideration as to whether a woman would be happy in that position. It depends on your priorities, I suppose, but I don't think maximising the family income should necessarily come before the happiness of either partner. Though obviously, you need enough to live on, or nobody will be happy.

My DH gave up his job to relocate for my career a few years ago, and had a short stint at home as a sahd, but it didn't suit him and he now runs his own business - lots of travelling, irregular hours etc. It isn't terribly convenient and I still earn lots more than he does, but it's important to me that he is fulfilled.

I agree with the suggestion to sort out childcare. 3 of your children are school age so theirs will be cheaper- it's only the youngest in full time care.

I can see that if you had absolutely no choice but for one of you to give up work, it would make financial sense for it to be the lower earner, but tbh there are ways to work around this. You say you became a SAHM by default rather than choice but presumably there was a point where you discussed it with your DH and agreed to stop working... You also decided to have 3 kids with a very big age gap between the last two, thus prolonging the pre school years. I'm not saying that as a criticism, just stating the facts. Presumably if you really felt you weren't cut out to be a SAHM and
Would prefer to work too, the obvious time to get back to the workplace would have been a couple of years ago when your 3 rd child started school, rather than deciding to start over again with another baby. I can understand why your DH feels rather resentful that you're turning round now and telling him he must stop work. I disagree that one person needs to be at home to facilitate the other working... If a couple really believe they can only manage one job if the other partner gives up theirs, then that's fine BUT only where it's a mutual decision. Decisions about working or staying at home are too big to be made unilaterally. It needs discussion and negotiation.

Of course, your DH should totally pull his weight and do half of the household stuff if you're both working- that goes without saying- but to demand he gives up work when he doesn't want to is not fair. There are other ways around this- it just feels rather like you only want to take this job if you don't have to use paid childcare and you have a partner at home to do 100% of home stuff. You may feel your DH dislikes his job but he's telling you loud and clear he would rather do it than give up and become a SAHD and you should respect that. If this was about a woman not wanting to give up a job in order to facilitate her husband working, I think everyone would say how dare he dictate and demand like that

Take the job, you would be mad to turn it down.

As a couple and team got till September to get this sorted.

Janey i did explain in subsequent posts why I ended up a sahm & how I've been earning money since dc3 started school...what other ways around this, do you suggest?

Wasn't it somewhat unwise to have FOUR children when your finances were this precarious?

I don't know if the job is worth it if it means 12 hour days away from 4 dcs for not actually all that much money. Will it lead to more in the future? (Sorry if you've said already).

I'm in the opposite position in that DH earns roughly double what I do and I'd be pretty pissed off if he decided for me that I should be a SAHP even though I do dislike my job.

I need the mental stimulation of getting out of the house and talking to grown ups so we pay for full time childcare. Surely your 12yo is capable of getting themselves home (assuming no SN as you haven't mentioned any) and watching TV for a few hours? I'm assuming, like mum did, that the wages are roughly 15k and 30k which means you would probably qualify for tax credits towards wrap around care for the middle two and nursery for the youngest.

Why should he give up work? YOU made the choice to SAHP - if you want to go back to work YOU find the childcare to allow it, don't emasculate your DH and change his life

12 hour days are no fun for anyone with children - but if this is an initial investment, and it'll all calm down after a while then it's something that can be coped with.

You should take this job, friends don't offer jobs lightly, contacts are the best way to get the best jobs. You've made your sacrifices for your (plural) family, so has he by taking a rubbish job, now it's time to start planning for both of you to get back on track with jobs that you both want rather than either of you taking the crappy SAHP end of the stick (which was only semi-voluntary - more stepping up and doing what needed to be done rather than a desired choice)

Give him a while to calm down, start researching some options - you need to do this, if you don't then the resentment from your side will be unbearable in a few years more of SAHPing.

If the job doesn't work out you can always quit.