Role reversal in our house. AIBU?

[Blondlittlelady]

I've been a sahm by default more then choice for four years.

Dc 12, 9, 6 & 6 weeks. An old colleague has contacted me & offered me a great job from September but the down side, travel, hours & a long commute.

Dh job isn't particularly well paid. It's not a career, it's a job he took after being made redundant 3 years ago. It's not well paid, this is the main issue actually. I potentially could earn twice what he does.

Dh says he wont be able to cope with the dc. He works shifts & over 7 days so he'd need to give up his job or adjust his hours & become the main carer for the dc.

We've had a massive row. I think he's being totally selfish. He thinks I am.

I feel like this will probably be one of the last chances I have to get back into my chosen profession. I'm in my 40 's. I will be able to offer my family a better standard of living. I obviously feel guilty about the dc, especially the baby but I really believe dh can do all I currently do, he just choses not to.

So AIBU or is dh?

But it's not just "chasing her dream". It's making a sensible decision to maximise family income. With 4 kids and what sounds like a current low paid job then surely that should be the priority? Why should the 12 y.o. Not get to go on school trips so dad can "chase his dream" of working in his job. Is dad's job (that he hates) more important than the 6 yo's desire to get a bike for Xmas?

So basically her husbands view counts for nothing. as long as she gets what she thinks is best sod anything else.

Here was me thinking a relationship was about working together not one demanding the other make massive changes to suit them!

The OP says he hates his job; but its clear that he's prefer to keep working rather than give up so his actions are perhaps speaking louder than the OPs words. You also need to factor in that he was made redundant 3 years ago, yet managed to get this job, which although it may not be making a mint or exactly what he'd ideally do, is perhaps good for his self esteem. Being made redundant is a big knock. He's stuck at this job for the last 3 years (incidentally I wonder why the OP didn't go all out to find a job 3 years back when he was hit by redundancy?) so why should he just jack it in now that the OP has been offered a job by a mate?

This sounds like a great opportunity for the OP, but if she's really keen to take it, she'll go for it, and it won't be conditional on pushing her husband to stop work.

To me genders are irrelevant. Both parties have to be happy with any major changes or both have to work together to find a compromise. Neither should be able to insist the other gives up a job to suit their needs,

Kim- no, I don't think that's the normal expectation. Many couples both work and see their jobs as equal.
I know some couples prefer for the man to have the higher earning, more important job while the wife works part time, but presumably that's because these couples negotiate it. I know some couples who do that and the woman is quite happy to work part time- it's not something that's dictated by her husband. The husband in this case doesn't want to have to get another job to fit around the children; neither does he want to stay home; that's the difference.

Can your dh take parental leave (if you were taking mat leave)? to try out the sahp role? With a view to becoming a sahp or trying to negotiate more family friendly hours later on?
Do you have space for a live in au pair (baby in ft childcare but ap to provide flexible help with middle 2 children, keep on top of housework & as backup childcare for inset days, holidays etc)?

I think the problem is that it is being handed to him as a done deal. I am going back to work so you need to curtail your hours or become a stay at home parent. Whatever the rights and wrongs of the situation, I don't think the op handled what should have been a mature discussion between two adults rather than one of them trying to arbitrarily completely alter the pattern of their lives.

He is completely and utterly U!

My DH became a SAHP to two demanding little girls for two years by our mutual agreement while I worked although we could have done it the other way round too.

Never a word of complaint, he did a brilliant job and I came home from work to a lovely dinner every day.

I can't believe he is thinking of turning down a better standard of living with your better earning potential etc!

I

But thia isn't by consent! He doesn't (for whatever reasons) want to do it.

Also when the op says potentially double what her husband earns. Is that a sales/commission based job with the mate talking up what the op could earn, rather than would definitely earn? That would put a different complexion on the practical side of the decision.

Marianne - if you husband had said "no I don't like that idea" would you have forced the idea on him?

It's different when both want it.

I wouldn't give up my job if DH asked and wouldn't expect DH to either. Simply because I want to go out to work everyday. Staying at home with the kids isn't for me and wouldn't be in any of our interests. I doubt it is that your DH thinks you should be at home so much as the fact that he doesn't want to be.

I don't get why, finances permitting, you can't get a nanny full time. They would cover school holidays and so DH's job wouldn't need to be term time only.

It is legitimate for you both to want to work out of the home. So the question is, what systems can you put in place to facilitate this?

This does not sound like a man who is going to be upset that he isn't supporting his family financially . It sounds like a man who can't be arsed. Why do posters just come up with such bollocks all the time instead of reading what the OP has put and accepting they know their partner better than a stranger on line?

OP- go for it with your job. I am sure you are incredibly capable and more than able to accept this new change in your life. If your DH is not willing to support you in this new way of life then that is a bigger issue.

Do not be bullied by him. He is not the boss of you. He is not in charge with you. He can't just say no, he can't just say he won't manage. He has to man up and be honest. It is quite clear he does not want to be a SAHD and that needs addressing.

WHY will things stay the same if he says so? Why the hell should you miss out on a good career and more money because he is being a prat. Honestly, woman up fgs and stop letting him tell you what is going to happen. You aren't equal to him. It sounds like you are superior as you can see the bigger picture and have sacrificed your career up to now for your children - even though it has cost you money with him earning less than you. HE is costing you money.

There really are some ridiculous posts on this thread - man pleasers all the way .

Have those people suggesting they employ a nanny actually read the thread? Her husband has a driving job which she said doesn't pay well and the OP has said that she will be earning twice what he does. Double of 'doesn't pay well' isn't a fortune. I very much doubt that there is a spare £20-£25k to pay a nanny!

I think those people with money to spend on nannies should appreciate that they are in the minority and the majority of people do not have that kind of money.

Sounds to me like the op is the one doing the bullying expecting him to do what she wants!

She wants him to discuss it sensibly and fairly. She can hardly tell him it is just happening.

She is giving instructions as to what type of job he can get and expecting him to do everything so she can have it her way. She seems rather unwilling to compromise

fabbaker it's not about being a 'man-pleaser'. It's about having respect for your partner's wishes, male OR female.

The OP to me sounds demanding - that her dh become a SAHD so she can start her new job. It's quite clear he doesn't want to do that. He may hate his current job but that doesn't necessarily mean he would rather not do any paid employment.

OP, if you want your dh to really listen to you and understand how much this job means to you, then I suggest you do similar to him. Be supportive of his job/career aspirations. It must be miserable and soul destroying doing a job you hate for little money. What else could he do? Could he re-train or go back to what he did before? I'm wiling to bet that if HE'S happier at work he's more likely to support you.

My DH just wouldn't say: "No, I don't want to do it", meaning looking after his own children, especially if it is the best solution for the family. And he would never "hold me back" if I wished to pursue an interest/job if it meant a lot to me!

I think the husband is selfish here, not the wife.

She has been a SAHP, she has a final opportunity to get a job in her field, he doesn't have a job that he enjoys and it pays less than hers.

And parents really cannot say that they cannot cope with their own children - ridiculous!

I don't see from OP's posts that DH is discussing and compromising, only thing he has said is that he does not want to be the main caretaker and that's it. Or has he offered any solutions here?

OP, take the job. Take it even if your entire salary will be spent on childcare initially. Because you feel, rightly or wrongly, that this is your last opportunity to make your career, and that is important to you. Childcare costs will reduce as time goes on.

If you wanted to be a SAHM, then great, it's an entirely wonderful thing to be. But you do not. And one day your children will be grown, and they will fly, and you will be left very angry that you did not take this opportunity, as being a SAHM was never your positive choice.

Hell yes your DH should help out in this. He can work a FT job if he'd like to - but you're right to say the one he has now does not fit in with a two-parent working household where one parent will be working long hours. Yes, he should compromise, just as you have, for the good of the family. I don't think he needs a job that only covers school hours and term time - but both of you need to be prepared to sacrifice salary for childcare if he refuses to pick up the slack domestically.

It seems very hard right now, but look into the future: youngest in reception, eldest in doing A-levels, and the childcare situation does not look quite so grim. And you may have lost the opportunity to pursue your career if you don't act now.

I hope you and your DH can sit down and talk about this sensibly. Because you should take that job.

If a family of six are surviving on her DH's salary, and she will earn more, then a nanny is probably a possibility.

If they can't afford a nanny they can look at other options such as cm or au pair. They only have one pre schooler, and the eldest is 12 so presumably gets to and from school independently, so really the situation isn't as difficult as some people are making out. Many of us worked with more than pre schooler- it's expensive, you just have to suck it up, it's only for a relatively short time until you're better off.

To be perfectly frank, my life would have been easier if my DH had given up his job when our children were tiny. There would have been no nursery run at 7.30 am, I could have swanned off to work leaving the children in bed and with dh to sort the housework and cook the dinner. I'm sure he could have said the same about me: his work life would have been easier had I jacked in my work and done 100% of everything at home.

But the point is, as a couple you can't dictate what the other partner does in order to make your life easier. You need to sit down and talk through and negotiate. There will be a way of making things work with you both having jobs, you just need to discuss and plan the detail

If a family of six are surviving on her DH's salary, and she will earn more, then a nanny is probably a possibility.

That's how I read it. Her entire salary might go on a nanny initially, but then at least she will be in a good earning position when childcare isn't so needed.