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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have hung up on not so DP!

151 replies

Zatch · 23/03/2014 06:11

I am fuming! So not so DP flys home tomorrow ridiculously early after working away. So today we get a chance to have a chat over the phone and ds gets to hear his voice.

Whilst on the phone he refers to me as 'mate'. I respond with I am not your mate I am your partner.
This is an on going issue as he uses it in a negative/condescending manner eg ' nah mate I don't think you'll be doing that' or if he's fed up/bored with topic replies with 'whatever bud' .

Its not all the time but often enough to pick up on.I am not one of his bloody dumb assed mates. I find it so insulting. After repeated request/discussions of how it winds me up and makes me feel he continues to do so and that I'm over reacting. Other wonderful phrases such as 'calm down would ya' and 'take a look at yourself' (when arguing) are triggers for me to see red.

So after the 'mate' I asked once again can you not? Can we remove it like the calm down etc? And he replies with very condescending 'nah mate'. So I hung up.

There's certain things/tones I've said that annoy him and I've respectfully stopped/found alternatives.

I've had a shite w/e so far (migraine) and was looking forward to have him home. Now all I can think is how bloody hard would it have been to just apologise for using mate instead of winding me up even more. Grrrrrrrr!!!!

OP posts:
Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 23/03/2014 06:14

He pushes all your buttons and delights in it by the sound of things. Why are you with him?

Catnuzzle · 23/03/2014 06:16

Not U at all. He is deliberately disrespecting you.

DracuLaura · 23/03/2014 06:19

YANBU

Original poster
Zatch · 23/03/2014 06:22

So tempted to tell the bastard to catch a train home. It's a 2hr round trip to airport and a 4am start to my day. Just so angry with him! It was totally unnecessary to wind me up.

OP posts:
JapaneseMargaret · 23/03/2014 06:23

You're going to get people coming on here to deliberately miss the point and say that being called 'mate' is no big deal, and you were being unreasonable to hang up on him. Just warning you.

But of course that's not the issue, is it.

YANBU. Perhaps have a chat when tempers have cooled as to why he feels he has to behave like this with you.

crispyporkbelly · 23/03/2014 06:23

He sounds a prick.

Original poster
Zatch · 23/03/2014 06:24

Thanks just needed to vent. No one else's partner refers to them as a mate etc do they?

OP posts:
crispyporkbelly · 23/03/2014 06:25

No.

Also, are you picking him up from airport?

SanityClause · 23/03/2014 06:25

Okay, YANBU, at all.

Perhaps he really doesn't get how much it annoys you. Maybe couples counselling would help? Maybe even the suggestion that couples counselling is needed would make him question his actions.

DH used to do similar things, and no matter how much I told him I didn't like it, he would dismiss it as unimportant. It was only when we got to "The Brink" that he realised these things were a big deal.

JapaneseMargaret · 23/03/2014 06:27

Some people probably do refer to their partners as mate, but who cares. They're not you. You find it annoying. You've told him you find it annoying, and he still does it.

That's not great.

Littleturkish · 23/03/2014 06:28

So rude and inflammatory.

You deserve to be spoken to with respect by your partner.

Don't pick him up.

Original poster
Zatch · 23/03/2014 06:29

I know ill probably cop a bit as its not abusive, but god it just riles me. When we first were friends I used to call him (and everyone else) dude, not since being together. I'd never refer to him as mate, always by name or honey etc.

OP posts:
Onsera3 · 23/03/2014 06:32

I accidentally sent a text to DH that was meant for a friend so it started 'Hey mate!' and DH assumed it was for him and was a little put out I'd address him as 'mate'.

So YANBU.

Original poster
Zatch · 23/03/2014 06:38

Even though I don't want too ill still pick him up. He's been away for a month and I don't want to be too churlish over it all. Just know that he wouldn't have thought twice about it after I hung up, could imagine him laughing. I know there definitely won't be an apology forthcoming.
Couples counselling is something to consider, ill bring it up and see what he thinks when home.

OP posts:
Pinkcustardpurplecustard · 23/03/2014 06:49

Don't pick him up!

Is he from Liverpool by any chance?

LadyCybilCrawley · 23/03/2014 06:54

I don't think it's the use of the word that's insulting per se

It's him purposefully using it when he knows you are upset and it will upset you further

Quite frankly that's vile behavior - it's so completely void of respect Hmm

crispyporkbelly · 23/03/2014 06:56

To be honest, if you pick him up you're just giving the green light to this behaviour and it will continue. I think if you message him that you won't be picking him up and for him to get a cab will make him realise you're serious.
Have some self respect and then he will follow.

Also, fuck a two hour round trip with a child. He should get a cab anyway.

LadyCybilCrawley · 23/03/2014 06:59

For perspective in same type of situation my partner would have said " no don't come and get me - it's too early for you and the children - I'll make my own way and see you at home - can't wait"

Original poster
Zatch · 23/03/2014 07:02

It's definitely the way he uses it that riles me. He just doesn't care that I hate it so much. We've had issues in the past where I'd been using a condescending tone with him consistently (coz he was an twat who quit his job at a whim when I just fell pregnant) and I took it on board and worked at it till resolved. So why can't he Confused

OP posts:
crispyporkbelly · 23/03/2014 07:25

LadyCybil my partner says the same when he works abroad.

Original poster
Zatch · 23/03/2014 07:28

Lady - if only :) he did ask if I was coming or not but that was before the 'mate' I'm a sahm so he expects to be dropped off/picked up regardless of time/convenience.

It used to be a 8hr round trip before so it's not as bad. He's one of those 'entitled' type people --- Thinks the world and its occupants owes him everything for all his hard work at 30 Confused He is a good father and provider and works ridiculous hours and time frames to support us. Just so naive/ignorant about others. Can't believe I'm still so pissed and its hours after. Need to get over it Hmm

OP posts:
ICanSeeTheSun · 23/03/2014 07:33

Does he value the relationship.

Mate is something you call a friend down the pub, not someone you love.

Andanotherthing123 · 23/03/2014 07:34

He sounds like a teenager and a bit passive aggressive all at the same time. Don't pick him up. Ever.

ArtisanScotchEgg · 23/03/2014 07:39

Most mates wouldn't get up at 4am for a 2 hr round trip to the airport.

If you were his partner of course you would - there's your answer Grin

crispyporkbelly · 23/03/2014 07:39

You sound like a doormat, op. it won't get better until you demand respect.