To have hung up on not so DP!

[Zatch]

I am fuming! So not so DP flys home tomorrow ridiculously early after working away. So today we get a chance to have a chat over the phone and ds gets to hear his voice.

Whilst on the phone he refers to me as 'mate'. I respond with I am not your mate I am your partner.
This is an on going issue as he uses it in a negative/condescending manner eg ' nah mate I don't think you'll be doing that' or if he's fed up/bored with topic replies with 'whatever bud' .

Its not all the time but often enough to pick up on.I am not one of his bloody dumb assed mates. I find it so insulting. After repeated request/discussions of how it winds me up and makes me feel he continues to do so and that I'm over reacting. Other wonderful phrases such as 'calm down would ya' and 'take a look at yourself' (when arguing) are triggers for me to see red.

So after the 'mate' I asked once again can you not? Can we remove it like the calm down etc? And he replies with very condescending 'nah mate'. So I hung up.

There's certain things/tones I've said that annoy him and I've respectfully stopped/found alternatives.

I've had a shite w/e so far (migraine) and was looking forward to have him home. Now all I can think is how bloody hard would it have been to just apologise for using mate instead of winding me up even more. Grrrrrrrr!!!!

[Zatch]

Mooncup - I doubt he would hide them, was just trying to think of something he could actually do to stop me.

have just come to the realisation he has no house keys....

It doesn't read well I'm so very far from perfect too though.
Whilst I think this is childish ridiculous behaviour from a grown man. Aren't I being just as bad ?

[Calloh]

We went through a milder version of this. I think becoming a SAHM can change your perception of yourself and their perception of your role.

If you have missed him dreadfully and want to fly to his arms to be with him at 4am that is one thing. To expect you to do it is an entirely different thing.

If he cares about you he needs to show how much he respects you and values what you do. If you feel you are carrying the burden of worrying what you spend and having to pick him up from the airport then he needs to ensure that you know that he sees you as entirely equal and equally a contributor - not a servant, not his mother and not a 'mate'.

[justiceofthePeas]

zatch this is all sounding a bit horribly familiar.

Got worse after dc was born.
Does things you don't like then tells you it is your fault.
Acts entitled.
Tries to prevent you doing things.


Is there a reason, given that he works away, that you had to move away from your friends and family or does he not only work away occasionally?


I don't think the advice upthread to call him something he doesn't like back would help it will likely escalate or give him a justification for using terms you don't like.

Does he also rewrite history? So if you fix an argument the cause of the argument becomes your fault. I.e. does he ever eventuslly take full responsibility when he has been in t

[Zatch]

Yeah there's no way I'm missing gym, after 2 weeks there i finally fit into pre baby jeans made my day before all this shit. Was a sense of achieving something finally. Other than fabulous ds of course.

[justiceofthePeas]

Sorry posted too soon...
Does he ever take full responsibility or does he always have to make it partly your fault? Do you ever get a full heartfelt sincere apology,

[Zatch]

There's not one time I can remember him apologising for any argument/disagreement though to be fair it could be selective memory. I'm sure he's been right once or twice He's very much over and done with a fight after the yelling stopped. Completely back to normal usually while I'm still upset or fuming.

[Calloh]

Sorry, I realised that milder was the wrong word - we had a bloody awful time but he never banned me from something. I hope I didn't sound smug.

But you know him Zatch and obviously love him and know what he would and wouldn't do.

He has been a dick, the mate thing is awful - (not the calling you mate but not stopping when it winds you up) but does he now feel that you aren't appreciating all the hard work he did for you when overseas and is lashing out to show you what he's working for, namely nice things for you all to have.

Or does he genuinely feel he should have more control of money and your movements as he is the earner?

[Innogen]

I dumped a guy because he wouldn't stop calling me Buddy. In bed even. Was foul.

[Zatch]

Just as bad by refusing to pick him up from airport.

He quotes all the time that we're equal and I'm not his mother blah but there's no actions to prove otherwise.

[Zatch]

I think it's more lashing out and not appreciating how much he does/sacrifices.
Doesn't get at all how hard it's been alone with ds. But relented to crèche and gym as I was desperate for me time. He hates the thought of anyone else alone with ds.
Always said he can change and come home anytime and we'll both work.

Just not sure what I should do
Sorry everyone if I've drip fed, it's been a long exhausting w/e and a bit scrambled.

[hamptoncourt]

zatch your posts are actually quite worrying.

You have relocated away from any support network and it sounds like you are now very reliant on NP who thinks he can treat you as some kind of domestic help.

The threat of financial abuse is here too with him telling you that you can forget going to your classes. Who the fuck does he think he is?

You have hinted that your childhood was less than glorious - mine too. This has led me to make some appalling choices with relationships as I never had the confidence or self esteem others seemed to have, despite looking very strong on the outside.

Have you thought about having counselling on your own?

Please please please do not pick him up from the airport. Think about what such an action will teach him about what he can get away with in terms of his own behaviour and your relationship.

Lastly, an ex of mine referred to me as "my mate, Hampton" when introducing me to a stranger we ran into. It was the beginning of the end.

[Lottiedoubtie]

The mate thing made him sound immature and unaware of your feelings.

The trying to ban you from going out bit makes him sound like a calculating abusive arsehole. You are an adult, he cannot tell you are grounded! He is treating you like an errant teenager and is attempting to punish you for standing up to him.

LTB, but very carefully, his abuse could escalate

[hamptoncourt]

Bloody hell zatch have just seen your latest cross posts.

He tells you all the time that you are equal and you are not his mum? Why on earth does he feel the need to repeatedly tell you that? clue, it's because he knows it is an issue!

He "relented" to allowing you to go to the gym? How very Big of him? And he doesn't want anyone but you looking after DS? Why not? He sounds like controlling arsehole to me. Sorry.

[Zatch]

Both got equal access to all accounts.
I understand that his job is hard and draining and have been supporting the whole time. I organised buying the house and all the nightmare meetings and paperwork, visiting all families regularly, getting him and friends tickets to concerts etc I've tried to make it as smooth for him as I can and just want the same thoughts put in for me too. Not materially but just considerately. I think he's very good at being responsible for our finances/care but not considerate.

[Calloh]

It might not be as bad as that.

He might also feel under appreciated and that might be what is making him lash out in such a dickish way:

His reading of it might be 'I work ridiculously long and hard hours for us, she won't even come and pick me up from the airport because she doesn't like me calling her mate, this is going to cost us money, why shouldn't it come out of the money she uses for her stuff?'

Of course that is wrong and awful but it might not be symptomatic of an abusive, controlling mind.

Zatch, did you want to move? Did you have an equal say in that and the house? Do you want to go back to work? Did you have an equal say in that? Does he spends lots of money on his own things? Does he resent the money you spend on your stuff.

[Calloh]

Cross post.

I do understand. I think you need to stop doing so much for him - making it smooth, I did similar for DH and it masked a lot of things from him and with the best will in the world it built up resentment in me when he didn't appreciate or reciprocate.

He is an adult, he can boon his own tickets, arrange his own way back from the airport etc

[Zatch]

Calloh - I'm sure that's how he's thinking it, and in that us picking him up should be enjoyable for us, looking forward to see him.

I had a choice in the house and location. Honesty thought that seeing as we put in so much effort to keep contact with friends and family they would reciprocate sadly no one does. So more isolated than I ever thought.

He doesn't want me to go back to work really, he earns enough that there's no need and I'd basically be working to pay for the childcare needed. He's keen on me doing a course or studying some more. He's happy for ds to go to daycare eventually but not comfortable with he idea yet. He never went and has many misconceptions about it.

[Zatch]

Will be looking into some counselling, seeing what we have available. Though I don't think he's the kind of person to see the need or take serious but I could hopefully be wrong.

[Zatch]

At the moment I think he's an asshole too

The mum thing is probably coz I bring it up so often. I consistently have to remind/point out little thing like a mum. Eg, doesn't brush teeth for day then comes to bed, cue polite reminder of I like to kiss fresh breath not ciggy breath. Or to please not drop clothes next to damn laundry basket but in it or having to find socks or hat. If I don't then it's more work for me cleaning up for him, once again like a damn mother.

[procrastinatingagain]

He sounds horribly really. I wonder how he'd respond to the idea of you going back to work and him looking after ds full time if he doesn't like the idea of childcare? I imagine he'd change the rules at that point.

[procrastinatingagain]

Just LTB, life's too short. He's controlling your whole life. Very big of him to "let" you go the gym, but he won't "let" you work or live near your friends and family. Big red banners waving.

[Calloh]

Good luck - I'm sure you'll be fine. You obviously both love each other. Its bloody tough when you have small children and are making the transition to one person staying at home.

Try telling him it's not cool to call you mate if you've asked him not to and maybe try not to engage in more words then that. Sometimes I find shorter messages are more easily absorbed.

As for going to the airport, go if you want to and don't mind. Then you can run up to him and throw your arms around him and tell him how much you love him and have missed him even if he is a bit of a knob sometimes.

If you think it will be a hassle and you don't want to then tell him that and leave it up to him how he gets back - it is quite a big ask getting up at 4 am.

Either way you are both obviously knackered and when you are far away from each other small fights can so easily grow