To have hung up on not so DP!

[Zatch]

I am fuming! So not so DP flys home tomorrow ridiculously early after working away. So today we get a chance to have a chat over the phone and ds gets to hear his voice.

Whilst on the phone he refers to me as 'mate'. I respond with I am not your mate I am your partner.
This is an on going issue as he uses it in a negative/condescending manner eg ' nah mate I don't think you'll be doing that' or if he's fed up/bored with topic replies with 'whatever bud' .

Its not all the time but often enough to pick up on.I am not one of his bloody dumb assed mates. I find it so insulting. After repeated request/discussions of how it winds me up and makes me feel he continues to do so and that I'm over reacting. Other wonderful phrases such as 'calm down would ya' and 'take a look at yourself' (when arguing) are triggers for me to see red.

So after the 'mate' I asked once again can you not? Can we remove it like the calm down etc? And he replies with very condescending 'nah mate'. So I hung up.

There's certain things/tones I've said that annoy him and I've respectfully stopped/found alternatives.

I've had a shite w/e so far (migraine) and was looking forward to have him home. Now all I can think is how bloody hard would it have been to just apologise for using mate instead of winding me up even more. Grrrrrrrr!!!!

[Zatch]

Thank you everyone for advice and support . I realise there's a few warnings signs, behaviours to be aware of so thank you for pointing them out that's its normal in the general run of a relationship. Most of all thanks for letting me get It all out. Don't know how I'd be coping if I hadn't found mn. Climbing walls I suspect.

[LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot]

I'm gonna say it bluntly, your P sounds like a absolute cunt. I hate that word btw, but its need.

Also, does he refer to you as mate to your face or just on the phone?

[Zatch]

Been walking round the house calling that myself.
Both. It's not all the time but very often.
Has continued to defend himself in txt of not deliberately winding me up and just slipped out again the second time.

I asked why didn't he just say sorry = hurt it caused acknowledged and problem resolved. But he doesn't feel he should have to and won't be apologising.

[Zatch]

So if he's already started offering the opinion of 'maybe this is just all in your head' (from a different argument regarding lack of intimacy from him) How screwed am I?

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

A friend of mind had frankly hideous husband that did the 'mate' thing.

One of his many ways of dehumanising, and in his case, de-sexualising her. Really horrible.

They're now divorced and he's applying his manipulation to her children.

Anyway-my advice? Stick to your guns absolutely, 100% on not being pushed around here. Don't make up to get rid of the atmosphere. Do exactly what you planned. Fuck him if he hasn't got keys. And let him break first. Then, have absolute FURY in your eyes as you reiterate that either you're his much-loved partner, or you're a clearly despised Mummy figure who he has to demean ('mate') to keep some imaginary upper hand. If it's the latter, his days are numbered.

[Zatch]

Thanks feel better that others think he's such a flaming douche.

Going to try and get some sleep before dealing with him tomorrow. Need to stop being so furious so I can deal with him rationally unlikely as he's had more damn sleep in one night than I've had in 3

[Lottiedoubtie]

Zatch at the end of the day, only you know the whole picture.

You need to visualise what you want, try and clarify in your mind how things are now and then decide what changes need to be made.

Be prepared that you cannot insist he changes, you can try. But if he refuses, your options are limited to put up with it or leave him.

You have the right to be happy. And your DD has the right to live in an environment where there is no abuse, and her primary carer is happy. This is the best you can do.

[Zatch]

Thanks mooncup will check it out more thoroughly in the morning.

Ds is awake again and need to get him and myself off to sleep.

Your previous post hit just a little to close with the way he's gone about things since ds.
I'll check back in once OH has come home.

[ilovesooty]

He sounds horrible. I'm struggling to see why you're with him.

[MrsGeorgeMichael]

8.21 - "can claim travel back"

just btw - he can claim his taxi back

i have similiar with my job role

don't feel guilty

good luck op

[Zatch]

Ok so he's back. Literally walked into bedroom and slept all day. lve set up spare room for myself. He just got up and it's 6pm so days nearly over (yay!)

Nothing's been said, as l suspected he's pretending alls well. Asked how I felt today. Childish but I just ignored him. Ds is up and definitely picking up on my mood.

Ds didn't sleep at all last night, due to teeth and my fuming I guess. So I did go and pick him up from the airport. Shouldn't have I know.

Please I know I'd have told any other friend in my place he's a douche and not to pick him up and I know I'm an idiot because that has done exactly as everyone's predicted and he's assumed his behaviour/attitude is acceptable and now a proven way to manipulate me. All evident in his current attitude of alls well in the world of P.

But I was already up with an unsettled toddler and starting to get very desperate in controlling my temper and tone with ds. I knew he'd fall asleep again in the car and I just needed a little peace.

That and I know he used spending the money on a cab to manipulate me but I just can't let such a ridiculous expense slide. That's 2 weeks worth of food that he wanted to spend on a cab instead of the $50 alt of bus n train. I didn't speak to him the whole drive/time. Had headphones in so the drive was still slightly enjoyable and just pretended he wasn't there it meant 2 hrs of ds not screaming at me.

We did go to gym, though I wasn't allowed to train as I was more obviously exhausted than I thought. They were sympathetic though and can go tomorrow back after a decent sleep.

So when it all comes to a head later on my main points will be
Disrespect and belittling
Threatening to cancel my gym and dance class.
Blackmailing/manipulating me into picking him up.

Im still fucking fuming over it all. But have managed to still have a lovely day with ds and present a calm front for all to see an generally stay happy today.

He sent a txt last night that he can understand my point of view but couldn't fathom the fury behind it. Which to me means that you do NOT understand my point and is once again belittling how I feel.

Ds will be in bed in a hour, though I know he doesn't want to talk about anything, he's home with minimal effort. That's all he cared about. So wont bring it up, It'll be left to me and my unstable temper .

If it goes bad/round in circles, ill be taking the counselling route, if he refuses ill be taking the seriously considering why I'm here route.

Thanks everyone just wanted to update. And I know I've infuriated and let a lot of you down by caving in and picking him up. I am both disappointed and disgusted with myself for giving in.
At the time it (4am) it seemed justifiable just to get ds some sleep.

[justiceofthePeas]

zatch don't beat yourself up about it. What is done is done. I hope he at least thanked you.

[crispyporkbelly]

Good luck op

[Zatch]

Got a mumbled thanks when getting out of car.

He just spent 10 minutes with ds and has now got back to the bedroom. Now ds is upset and now not going to go to bed easily I feel for him. Poor little guy hasn't seen his dad in a month.

His return to the room is a delay tactic I think. Not fussed either way, have to go in for a shower but other than that I've the spare room for myself.

[Zatch]

Ah damn he just came out again after I put ds down.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

Isn't being the sole carer for a 13 month old baby hard and demanding too? Presumably he has a chance of uninterrupted sleep while he's away at work which I'm assuming is in short supply for you if DS is teething?

Don't get hung up on having gone to pick him up. That was not a make or break issue. You definitely do need to try and sort this out though. I don't think that ignoring him is the way forward, but might be sensible short term rather than risking an argument within earshot of DS.

[OnlyLovers]

Nothing new/helpful to add, I'm afraid, but wanted to come back to offer moral support

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

Being a SAHM with a DP and not a DH was a disastrous idea. Especially when DP is a twat.

[ilovesooty]

I've noticed you mentioned counselling as an option. I'm a counsellor and on the basis of what you've said he sounds abusive. That means though I'd be happy to offer counselling to you I don't think I'd be prepared to offer you couple counselling and I suspect other couple counsellors may take a similar view.

[Zatch]

Thanks for the support guys. The info re counselling is very handy too, never considered that. I'll look into it for just myself first and go from there.

I know ignoring isn't helping but was just necessary to survive the time with him and ds pleasantly.

Just asked him if he'd like to discuss whats happened. He's watching tv and asked if I'd mind waiting till the end of his show ( another 20mins) I replied with a deflated - 'prioritise how you wish' - and went to bed.

Seriously?! It's now after 9pm, I've been up since 3am and had our ds for the entire day. Still not caught up on any sleep from previous nights, and just generally run down and exhausted. Fuck fuck fuck! Ds has an allergy appt booked tomorrow especially so that his dads there to get the same info/help. So wanted to fix this before then.

[Zatch]

Just came in to talk after show.
Explained that wasn't fair.
Told me to stop carrying on about this mate thing, it's not important and it's petty.
Threatening gym and dance was due to not wanting to pick him up.
Under no circumstances will he consider counselling.

Told him about appt tomorrow and gym. He told me what he wants to do, I said I don't care. And he left with a fuck you too, goodnight zatch.

[Lottiedoubtie]

He sounds very immature and very selfish.

I wouldn't put up with it. What do you want?