To have hung up on not so DP!

[Zatch]

I am fuming! So not so DP flys home tomorrow ridiculously early after working away. So today we get a chance to have a chat over the phone and ds gets to hear his voice.

Whilst on the phone he refers to me as 'mate'. I respond with I am not your mate I am your partner.
This is an on going issue as he uses it in a negative/condescending manner eg ' nah mate I don't think you'll be doing that' or if he's fed up/bored with topic replies with 'whatever bud' .

Its not all the time but often enough to pick up on.I am not one of his bloody dumb assed mates. I find it so insulting. After repeated request/discussions of how it winds me up and makes me feel he continues to do so and that I'm over reacting. Other wonderful phrases such as 'calm down would ya' and 'take a look at yourself' (when arguing) are triggers for me to see red.

So after the 'mate' I asked once again can you not? Can we remove it like the calm down etc? And he replies with very condescending 'nah mate'. So I hung up.

There's certain things/tones I've said that annoy him and I've respectfully stopped/found alternatives.

I've had a shite w/e so far (migraine) and was looking forward to have him home. Now all I can think is how bloody hard would it have been to just apologise for using mate instead of winding me up even more. Grrrrrrrr!!!!

DrinkFeckArseGirls bit late really.

OP, even if you were being totally unreasonable about the mate thing (and I don't think you are), he's demonstrating that how you feel isn't important. He's setting the agenda for your relationship. I think counselling on your own would be worthwhile.

Just tried to explain that to him.
Regardless of why or how I was hurt by him and I feel that it should be acknowledged.
He just doesn't get it. He says none of it was deliberate. Just tit for tat and a slip of the tounge.
Fine I get that happens but it fucking hurt me, how could he not at least recognise that he was the cause. He just makes me feel like I'm going crazy and making it all up. He's stated he won't back down coz he didnt do anything wrong.

I screamed at him so ashamed. But my i was so hurt. It really felt like he wound me up just to be able to dismiss it as petty. Even if I wasn't deliberate why can't he see the head fuck and emotional trauma it caused me.

Sorry slightly hysterical still. I know it's over something small, but it hurt and him ignoring that just made it snowball.

Blimey, tell him to ask one of his "mates" to do the airport rounds, and then he will see the difference between a mate and a life partner soon enough.

What is tit for tat? Is he punishing you for something?

I remember that feeling- like you are going crazy when you argue with them. And you're selfish etc. Pleased to be out of that relationship.

Sounds like he feels he holds the balance of power in the relationship. He makes the decision to blow family money on a cab, says whether you go to gym class, has the last word on whether you're being reasonable in an argument.

You need to tip that on it's head and just start standing up to him. ( I bet it wasn't like this in the beginning of your relationship.) Sorry I don't know exactly how to achieve this and probably a lot easier said than done.

^its

tit for tat. Umm taking turns at saying/doings hurtful things.
Eg.
My refusing to pick him up and then his stopping my gym and dance = tit for tat. Sorry if that's not a good explanation.
It was never ever like this before but I was never dependant on him before now. Never have been on anyone since being on my own at 14. It's galling to be so now.

It's all just blown up so badly. That's his defence too, just a little thing to be worked up by. Parting words were 'sorry, write a list of all these words and ill try my best' I just want understanding. Not this shit.

I called dh mate today. He had severely pissed me off and it was either mate or fuckface. You don't call your partner mate, especially if you've asked him to stop.

I'd write him a list.

Dear twatface,

1. I want you to respect me.
2. I want you to respect me.
3. I want you to respect me.

Ps- this means that you take on board my feelings, and apologise even if you have accidentally hurt me. It also means that you treat me as an adult and don't threaten to stop me going out as if I was an errant teenager.

Can I suggest you ask MNHQ to move this thread to relationships? I think you would benefit from ongoing support of the experienced posters there xx

I am going to go against the majority here. He called you mate. I cannot see how that deserves all the vitriol. You have admitted you have screamed and yelled at him. You told him to make his way home from the airport. You have spent god knows how long fuming over this. You are trying to punish him for calling you something which is in no way at all offensive or hurtful. He has been working away from home for a month and come back to a hostile reception from someone who seems determined to keep the atmosphere icy.

How would l go about asking them to move it? I thought it would just be a short n sweet rant and vent and be over.

Been referring to him as twat in my mind all day, petty but satisfying.

Figured I'd hand him the dictionary and not have to talk to him at all anymore

Going to desperately try and sleep for a bit before ds inevitably wakes again.

Few weeks ago I addressed my Ex, DD's dad, as 'mate'. It was to show my displeasure and that his opinion was irrelevant. It certainly had a negative colouring all over. It's also a bit aggressive, which I was feeling like. But when we were together, it would never occur to me to do that .

Squeakytoy - it's not used as a term of friendship or endearment by him but instead used negatively to diminish whatever I have said or done.

I can't see why you are willing to put up with the way he is treating you.

He's refused counselling now, so what happens next?

I think in your shoes, renegotiating the sahm situation and finding yourself a job, so you can realign the chores and being at HIS beck and call all the time, might do you good.

Zatch, only you know what it's really like and how he really means mate. Some people might use it as a term of endearment, someone else as a term of derision.

You know if you want the relationship to work or not.

He shouldn't have called you mate if you asked him not to. Has he apologised? He should definitely never have threatened to not let you go to the gym - that is ridiculous. Has he apologised for that? If yes then maybe you would be happier if you accepted the apology and let it go.

He's been away for a month, presumably returning on a night flight, you picked him up and didn't talk for two hours, he went to bed (presumably normal after night flight and maybe jet lag) then you wanted to talk when he was watching something in television that he wanted to watch and then took that as an indication of his priorities when he didn't want to talk straight away.

Of course if he is being abusive and controlling you should end it. Only you know if he is but make sure you are being fair to him in your apportioning of blame.

I used to have a boyfriend who called me mate. I liked it! I'm an East Londoner and mate is used a lot towards women as well as men raaaa'nd our way (

Ffs! Phone lost huge response will attempt again.

Thanks everyone for replies, advice and support.

I did read the link thank you. Sorry for the delayed reply. It gave me a lot to mull over/wake up as I was disgusted to find find I myself guilty of something on the list . It's been brought up and he was most definitely horrified at what his actions meant/led to.

He has apologised, very sincerely. He didn't think it was a serious disagreement. He (finally) understands how I felt. Though I think neither of us reacted or dealt with the others responses very well. Myself especially about the tv show .

One factor I didn't consider or think to add is exhaustion. I didn't think I am so run down/worn out, it took collapsing at the gym yesterday to see. Thinking about it I've only been getting 4-5 broken hours sleep a night since ds had a fever, then I a migraine and ds still teething. It's been 3 weeks. Stupid.

So no I don't think I dealt with it as calmly as I would normally try, but nor do I think I was completely irrational. Almost 'd'p has agreed to come to the table with an open mind and to work out any issues we think we have. That's his suggestion rather than counselling. Once I've managed to rest a bit.

Still refuses to think of counselling. Doesn't think it works. Happy if I go, though miffed at the need. So ill be arranging one for myself next week.

I'm happy with this for now, though am concerned about it being effective. As saying 'when this happened/s' or 'you did x' seems to then circle around the cause/event rather than an underlying problem. Are there other ways to try? Or would my own counselling help me express myself better?