to ask if your dp gave you a gift after the birth of your child

[seventeensecondslater]

Ok, it's been a rough year. Dp lost a parent. I had 4 failed cycles of fertility treatment and then - amazingly, a 5th that worked and we have a ds who is a few weeks old.

The thing is, we - dp and I - seem to be having the same conversation over and over again - that is - I talk, he says sorry, and then nothing happens. As I was going through each treatment, and when the first 4 failed, I kept telling him that I was feeling almost bereaved, really emotionally vulnerable and that I needed his support and for him to make me feel loved - keep telling me and make sure i have lots of little treats etc so that I know he's thinking of me. Well, nothing happened. He effectively, buried his head in the sand. Then, in the last few months of pregnancy, I was hormonal, exhausted and emotionally up and down and I really needed his support and guess what?

So, we had quite a traumatic labour - really fast and painful dilation and the pushing bit was so fast that ds was out in less than 15 mins, not breathing and we were all totally shell shocked. The thing is - am I feeling a bit entitled here? - I was hoping he'd at least get me a bunch of flowers after... ...he did a week and a half later (from tesco!) but he said he was waiting to see if someone else sent us some first - how lame is that? And he bought our other birth partner a lovely, expensive bunch of flowers the day after he got me some from tesco.

When I had a go at him, he said, sorry - again! - and later on that week, he bought me a small cake from our local bakery. Later on that day, he said he made a mistake and he should have taken one from the shelf below because they were half price!!! And later on that week, we went shopping and he bought me 2 books - I was really touched. And then he said 'it's ok, they were only a pound each!'

I know I sound really hung up on material things here - but it's really not about the money - it's about the fact that I feel really devalued at the moment and I need to feel that I am worth more than a half price cake or a cheap book. Is it unreasonable to want to be able to point to something and say - yes, dp bought that for me on the birth of our child to show me how much he loves me???

I had two horrendous births and was physically and emotionally very fragile (as we all are) after each birth. Not only was my DH amazing at night feeds, hours of pacing with a colicky baby, nappy changes, housework, he bought me a lovely ring for DD1 and a locket with pictures of DD1 and the baby on for DD2.

He said he understood how difficult pregnancy had been, got how sick and exhausted I was, and wanted to give me something to treat me and remind me of the babies every time I wore the jewellery.

And I wear them all the time. My babies are now 2 and 4 and want to see their faces in the necklace l the time :-)

I didn't expect anything but it was really lovely to just be treated after a long and difficult nine months each time.

We weren't allowed flowers on the ward, my mum had already bought me a beautiful bunch for when I got home, my fiancé bought me things he knew I would like (few cans of energy drink, a book by my favourite author and paid for the bounty lady to do a photoshoot of me and our new baby boy as well as a new fire engine toy for my older son as he knew I was worried about him feeling left out)

Nothing extra extravagant or romantic but really thoughtful and what I appreciated most was him being there to support me every minute he was able to even after I woke him up at 3am going into labour as well as having a panic attack (I have anxiety) he stayed calm and was my rock, he fulfilled all his duties I think ;)

I'm sure he a lovely man who just needs to find ways to show you loving support Ie) running baths for you, coffee in bed etc. I think you may have to buy your own flowers and treats though.

Never occurred to me to expect a present. I was doing something that I very much wanted to do, why would I need to be rewarded for it?

Wasn't the baby enough of a gift?

I didn't get anything, it didn't even occur to me until I read this thread. I got plenty of support though, both emotional and practical (and still do, DD is 18 weeks), and that is worth a million times more to me than a gift.

Receiving a present from your spouse to mark an important occassion isn't a bad thing. It's what the OP says about needing presents to know that she's loved and cared for that sounds somewhat unhealthy.

Imagine if when your DH had a hard time at work or an illness or some other set back he ended up feeling annoyed with you because you hadn't bought him a gift? And that if you did buy him something small that he liked he then decided it was no good because it was too cheap? What would that say to you about the way your spouse valued you or about what he thought you brought to the partnership? And what would it say about his own emotional resilience and coping skills?

Liking a present you've been given is different from needing a present in order to feel cared for.

I think my dp was in the same place as me- kind of overwhelmed by becoming a parent, and having been through a huge life event. I expect it didn't cross his mind to go and buy me a present. Luckily it didn't cross my mind either. I find the whole notion of expecting a special treat a bit bizarre!
I couldn't even imagine thinking about it, through the sleepless fog of having a newborn.

You've both been through an incredibly tough time. I think you both need to be really gentle and kind to each other, and try to focus on the happy outcome you have got - a beautiful baby.

I think 'gifts for after birth' is a very strange concept, personally.

I didn't expect my present but why my husband having thought of getting me something which he knew I would really like and really appreciate and still do 23 years later should be a "strange concept" seems an equally odd way of thinking.

Caitlin -exactly. The sentimental value of the gifts bought at that amazing time is so lovely. Nothing strange about it at all; it's a sweet gesture that marks one of the most important days of your lives.

I very much doubt any of the ladies who say it's strange would actually say so if given a gift.

So he bought you flowers, a cake and books. what did you buy him?

He went and bought me a Cucumber ans Cheese sarnie.
Actually no, it was free.

Not sure why you expected a gift.

I feel so sorry for your DP. Yes, you may be the one who has given birth but emotionally he must be shattered especially after the loss of a parent as well as everything else.

The last thing he needs is hearing you harping like a spoilt child about not receiving a gift. I would think that the gift of a precious child is enough.

The only people who would understand what you have both gone through is someone else in the same situation. Lots of failed IVF and then a difficult birth. You both need nurturing at this time so be there for each other.

Have you heard of Love Languages ?
It's about the different ways people express love and recognise love.
So for someone it might be receiving gifts, for another it might be doing something practical to support someone, or it might be kind words. I can't remember the other two.
I guess this is where things could be going wrong here.
He must be doing something right, but all you want is a heartfelt gift to recognise what's happened to you both.

I think people are being hard on you. This whole event must have built up and up in your mind, and I presume you wanted it to be perfect. But I also think you've by now realised parenting and childhood is not perfect and does not go as we expect. Best still to go with it and enjoy and appreciate it.

My Dh bought me alcohol and the most expensive toilet roll after having my first. I was terrified to poo! No flowers but it made me smile and will forever I imagine. I don't think I got anything with the next two.

agree with coral
op, have you supported your dh with his grief?
losing a parent is life changing