to ask if your dp gave you a gift after the birth of your child

[seventeensecondslater]

Ok, it's been a rough year. Dp lost a parent. I had 4 failed cycles of fertility treatment and then - amazingly, a 5th that worked and we have a ds who is a few weeks old.

The thing is, we - dp and I - seem to be having the same conversation over and over again - that is - I talk, he says sorry, and then nothing happens. As I was going through each treatment, and when the first 4 failed, I kept telling him that I was feeling almost bereaved, really emotionally vulnerable and that I needed his support and for him to make me feel loved - keep telling me and make sure i have lots of little treats etc so that I know he's thinking of me. Well, nothing happened. He effectively, buried his head in the sand. Then, in the last few months of pregnancy, I was hormonal, exhausted and emotionally up and down and I really needed his support and guess what?

So, we had quite a traumatic labour - really fast and painful dilation and the pushing bit was so fast that ds was out in less than 15 mins, not breathing and we were all totally shell shocked. The thing is - am I feeling a bit entitled here? - I was hoping he'd at least get me a bunch of flowers after... ...he did a week and a half later (from tesco!) but he said he was waiting to see if someone else sent us some first - how lame is that? And he bought our other birth partner a lovely, expensive bunch of flowers the day after he got me some from tesco.

When I had a go at him, he said, sorry - again! - and later on that week, he bought me a small cake from our local bakery. Later on that day, he said he made a mistake and he should have taken one from the shelf below because they were half price!!! And later on that week, we went shopping and he bought me 2 books - I was really touched. And then he said 'it's ok, they were only a pound each!'

I know I sound really hung up on material things here - but it's really not about the money - it's about the fact that I feel really devalued at the moment and I need to feel that I am worth more than a half price cake or a cheap book. Is it unreasonable to want to be able to point to something and say - yes, dp bought that for me on the birth of our child to show me how much he loves me???

No I didnt get anything and Yes I would have loved a token ring for them. And it would be something really special to pass onto them also.

However, whilst I understand how you feel, I don't need little treats like that from my DH, he is always attentive anyway and I know he is always thinking of me and the DC.

I would also be irritated however by the constant ref to cheapness.

relax...hormones wont be your friend right now and massive congratulations.

I got a Waitrose cupcake on the ward! The whole process of going from 2 to 3 was enough for us as a family. Anything material would have paled in comparison.

I'm a bit uncomfortable about the idea of "push presents" to be honest.

You've both become parents, so a gift from him to you is presumably about just that - the act of pushing the baby out. I find it a bit old-fashioned - as though the woman is being rewarded for performing to expectation, rather than being part of a partnership who are both celebrating the arrival of their child.

That's probably daft, but it's how I would have felt if DP had presented me with a gift for producing the DSs!

As long as he's loving and supportive and doing his fair share with the baby, I think focusing on gifts is a bit more about mismatched expectations, rather than a genuine grievance.

I think unless he does it semi spontaneously it won't mean much to you, and tbh sounds like you've dropped enough hints!
Not that i wish to excuse his lack of effort, as i think it would be nice if he had bought something, but speaking as someone who also gave birth three weeks ago my dh can barely function as he'd is absolutely useless with sleep deprivation, the irony is he is only waking once in the night as i have banished him to the spare room in the hope he will get enough sleep to function at work.
If i was hoping for a present i think i shall have to want until the sleep improves or i may also get a bunch of tesco flowers!

I got bog all. He even went to work as he refused to take paternity leave.

Every man and his dog got me flowers, the house was like a florists.

Hope you feel better after reading that

Well, my DH also lost his DM when I was pregnant, the day DD was born DH left the hospital after lunch to grab a shower and returned with a beautiful bunch of flowers and bottle of champagne for me, a bottle of champagne for the midwife who delivered DD and an outfit for DD. I didn't expect him to buy it but it was lovely and very thoughtful of him. If he didn't do it I don't think I would have been too bothered.

I'd be fucking furious if my DH had refused to take paternity leave. That's so sad.

Nope, nothing but it would never have occurred to me that I should! I think I would have felt a bit weird tbh if DH had presented me with a gift for having a baby.

We both got the present of a beautiful baby. I think you're being a bit hard on him and yourself, you've had a tough year.

Nope, though I did drop a few hints. He got me cake from costa though ...

My dh bought me gifts. But I wasn't expecting anything, just thrilled to have a beautiful healthy baby each time. And be ok myself.

Gifts don't equal love. Time spent together with your baby is far more precious commodity.

Not a new idea at all! Many moons ago I received beautiful gold cube shaped ear studs with diamonds - exactly as requested during the last weeks of an exhausting twin pregnancy :). Oh and DH's everlasting gratitude for what I endured in giving us our beautiful son and daughter.

I've not read the full thread so someone else may have posted about this but it sounds like you both just express love/ support in different ways. I've read on mn before about a book that talks about this( language of love or something like that). The gist is some people express love through physical affection, some through gifts, some through words etc etc. if you and your partner have different ways of expressing love it can make you feel that it isn't there when in fact you are just not seeing it.

sorry but i know we give birth but maybe he wants to feel special too .you do sound if it is all about your needs especially during fertility treatment .it takes two to tango .my husband didnt buy me anything but he done the housework /washing /shopping .helped with our 3 sons so that was a lot better than flowers .

I can't remember. He might have bought me flowers after DS was born. I don't think he did anything after DD.

What he did do was cook for me every night, sit up all night with DD so that I could have some sleep, go to Mothercare and stock up on maternity pads and a host of things he was a bit embarrassed to ask for, go hunting through the hospital shops to find some slippers that would fit on my swollen feet..

If your DH is doing the little supportive things, those are what matter. You won't remember the gift or lack of one because it's just not important.

The book is the 5love languages. It's on amazon, just reading the reviews might be helpful.

Neither me nor dh are massive gift givers and I think I would be a bit lost if I was with someone who was looking for expressions of love through gifts. No pressies here after dc were born. Perhaps it might be helpful for your do to read the book and it might help him to understand why it is important for you. It sounds like this might be an issue that will crop up again.

Football beat me to it! I was going to say 5 love languages too!

YANBU. It's not so much that it was connected to your pregnancies, but more that you needed support and it wasn't given by your partner in the way that you wanted it.

YABU

OP please go back and read your post, I think you might be surprised at how self-centred it reads.

You say it's been a rough year, and I agree it certainly that it sounds it.

But it was a tough year for both of you- not just you.

I imagine your DP would also have been upset by the failed IVF cycles- and he lost a parent too. That can really take a lot of time to get over, and he may have been really struggling too.

You had a traumatic birth by the sounds of it, and I don't seek to minimise that- but don't forget it would have been hard for him to watch you suffer but not be able to help. That is trauma of a different kind to yours, but still would have been tough for your DP.

Have you been supporting him through all if this? It sounds like you've been very fixated on your feelings and need for support, but make no mention of his needs or feelings.

Maybe he's been doing the best he can? Maybe you don't feel that's enough, but have you discussed it in a way that is more about you supporting each other rather than your requirements alone?

Maybe he feels resentful at you asking for all these "little treats" and "gifts", while he's trying his best to be there for you, while also struggling to deal with the death of his parent, the failed IVF cycle and the traumatic birth of your son? I don't know, I'm just wondering if you'd thought of that?

You seem fixated on "gifts" and "treats" as a way to show love, care and respect. They aren't. I'm not saying it's nice to receive a thoughtful gift, but it's really not the only- or best- way to show your loved ones they mean a lot to you.

I think you need to concentrate on your son, and work on supporting each other. Forget about the gifts.

Why don't you choose a keepsake or piece of jewellery of some sort and get it as a memento? Something that you can wear everyday - doesn't need to be expensive, just meaningful. It might be that he just hasn't got a clue about what sort of thing he could get you - so why not help him out a bit?
Congrats on your baby!

You've got a skewed view of self if you measure your worth by gifts
You're not devalued if he's not nought pressie,no new mum entitled to gift

I got nothing for my 3
I was pissed off this time though because whilst I was in hospital recovering from a csection he spent £200 on things for him and other dc. I didn't even get a mars bar!
Whilst in hospital ds2 also broke my camera which I got as a birthday present. Dh later suggested that I get a replacement as my Christmas present.
But I should be happy as baby is my present.

My DP mentioned something about getting me a gift and I insisted he didn't. I told him if he wanted to get something to buy something significant for our daughter or start putting money into an ISA or some other such overly sensible crapola.

Four months after she was born he admitted his father bought his mother a gift every time she had a child and he'd wanted to do that for me too. But I'd been so insistent that he didn't spend money on me that he didn't mention it. :(

I think I understand OP. I also had a shocker of a birth and was left feeling quite traumatised and very wobbly afterwards. I wanted DH to show he loved me IN SPADES and really appreciated all I had done to bring our DS into the world.

My sister had given him a beautiful necklace to give to me afterwards - not an expensive one but typically v v thoughtful. And I remember thinking it was odd that he didn't even think to get me a bunch of flowers. I think I just wanted to feel loved as I was just so very wobbly afterwards. I was even quite teary about it!

To be honest, he was shellshocked too, didn't quite grasp how badly injured I had been, and didn't know how to deal with the flood of v teary neediness that was me immediately after birth. It came out over some very peculiar things! To be honest, the best thing is to get some support from people who do know how to be there for someone who has had a bad birth experience.

Do you have a good HV or can you call the Birth Trauma Association? All those feelings will take awhile to work out so just try not to judge yourself for now and take care x

No. DSs dad was with another woman when I went in to labour!

Mingles. Do I like mingles ?? No, I do not.

Does dp like mingles ? Yes, he does indeedy.

Oh and he also left to buy some babymilk at returned to the hospital with no milk but announced hed bought a lizard......he does have ^some^ good points.

I've read it the same way as @nancyjones too. That you appreciated the gestures he has made, but he has then gone and ruined them by his comments.

For DS1 I was the only in the ward without flowers, balloons or a soft toy for the baby. I was in 4 days as well. DH decided he'd go to work those days so he'd be home when we were, ok fine. But rather lonely and depressing. I did get an eternity ring for his birth though. But I rather think small thoughtful gestures all the time, are better than one big one in, ooooh 9 years.

DS2, flowers, after I had specifically told him where and what to buy, as I used to walk past the particular florist every day and they did wonderful arrangements. But, he waited about 2 weeks before he bought them, as we were in the middle of moving, and I think eventually a friend reminded him to buy them.

Lucky me.