to ask if your dp gave you a gift after the birth of your child

[seventeensecondslater]

Ok, it's been a rough year. Dp lost a parent. I had 4 failed cycles of fertility treatment and then - amazingly, a 5th that worked and we have a ds who is a few weeks old.

The thing is, we - dp and I - seem to be having the same conversation over and over again - that is - I talk, he says sorry, and then nothing happens. As I was going through each treatment, and when the first 4 failed, I kept telling him that I was feeling almost bereaved, really emotionally vulnerable and that I needed his support and for him to make me feel loved - keep telling me and make sure i have lots of little treats etc so that I know he's thinking of me. Well, nothing happened. He effectively, buried his head in the sand. Then, in the last few months of pregnancy, I was hormonal, exhausted and emotionally up and down and I really needed his support and guess what?

So, we had quite a traumatic labour - really fast and painful dilation and the pushing bit was so fast that ds was out in less than 15 mins, not breathing and we were all totally shell shocked. The thing is - am I feeling a bit entitled here? - I was hoping he'd at least get me a bunch of flowers after... ...he did a week and a half later (from tesco!) but he said he was waiting to see if someone else sent us some first - how lame is that? And he bought our other birth partner a lovely, expensive bunch of flowers the day after he got me some from tesco.

When I had a go at him, he said, sorry - again! - and later on that week, he bought me a small cake from our local bakery. Later on that day, he said he made a mistake and he should have taken one from the shelf below because they were half price!!! And later on that week, we went shopping and he bought me 2 books - I was really touched. And then he said 'it's ok, they were only a pound each!'

I know I sound really hung up on material things here - but it's really not about the money - it's about the fact that I feel really devalued at the moment and I need to feel that I am worth more than a half price cake or a cheap book. Is it unreasonable to want to be able to point to something and say - yes, dp bought that for me on the birth of our child to show me how much he loves me???

Maybe he was joking about the cake? It's the sort of thing my dp would say if he ever bought me fucking cake!

I never got anything from my DH and I never even thought about it. I had a beautiful healthy baby, what more could either of us want. Why are you so worried about getting a present. Do you buy him anything for becoming a father?

I have never felt I needed presents to know how much my DH loves me, I just know he does.

Just be happy you finally have your longed for baby and a husband who is there to love and support you both, you don't need anything more.

He was probably just trying to lighten the mood Nancy.

I couldn't take someone seriously either under the circs tbh.

Nope, nothing, nor would I have expected it. He was brilliant though, held my hand through a scary emergency CS, told me how gorgeous DS was as he could see him being lifted out and I couldn't, cried and then fell asleep with his head on my shoulder in the recovery ward - I had sleeping DS on my boob, sleeping DH on my other shoulder, still couldn't feel my legs from the spinal but felt so, so lucky and blessed. A present would never have crossed my mind! Any gifts we were bought by other people were for the baby.

Yes I got gifts-but they were bought by DH from each child.

You seem to be confused as to how a person shows love & support as buying gifts isn't it, is he affectionate? Does he help out with the everyday crap to give you a break? Do you have cheeky cuddles? These are examples of someone in a loving relationship showing they care, buying crap is easy.

I think your last sentence does indicate it is about the money though…

just hold your little boy and look into his eyes, do you really feel devalued ? You have a perfect little boy with a whole new bright exciting future together. Honestly, moaning about £1 books or cakes… tut...

I really don't understand these gifts. You have had a baby. What can top that?

I remember a couple we used to know. loads of showy gifts including a car wrapped up in a yellow bow. huge fuss after the babies births blah blah blah.

took the piss out of us as we never bothered.

they had a very bitter divorce and managed to completely fuck up their kids childhoods.

ignore the glitter op and embrace the gold.

I didn't get anything. why should I? I had given birth, my dc was my biggest gift. DH had his own gift too, his child.

Re the comments 'oh that's nothing. They were just £1 each' about the books, this is exactly the sort if things I would say because I feel uncomfortable about the person saying thank you to me when I think it was just a small gift.

I don't think you are hung up on material things. I think your way to feel cared us through small gifts, small things that will show the person us thinking about you. So you expect your DH to do so. Your DH might be the type of person who feels that, when things get hard, the best thing people can do us to leave him alone to make sense of it all. So he expects you to want to be left alone to recover.
Two different ways to react. Nit one better than the other but you will to talk and explain to each other what makes you tick.

DD born 7 weeks ago. DH has purchased nothing special for me since i fell preg. after 2 years TTC.

However, he was attentive and worried/excited along with me every minute of the pregnancy. DH shared with me his tears of fear during the labor, then floods of tears of elation when she was born, and since then he has give his total, utter, unreserved and unashamed joy at the very existence of his only (blood) child. He has reveled in every second of it all. Every squeak, every scream, every nappy even!

These are the things that matter OP, his love for you and the baby. Does he make you feel loved? Gifts don't matter.

OK, am reading your responses and and a little bit embarrassed - thank you for bringing me to my senses. I am going to go away now and focus on being a good mum to my child and think less about me. I should add that dp is a lovely man who i do love very much and he does say that he loves me too. I guess I needed a kick up the backside to remind me of this!

Thank you.

He's also just lost a parent op,I hope you're making him feel loved and valued at what must be an emotional rollercoaster of a time for him?

I got a bunch of flowers from a garage, but he forgot to give me them until they were dead and a bottle of Lilt...but to be fair, dead flowers and juice were more than I was expecting, so - result, lol.

To be honest if you're expecting him to buy you things to show he cares and that's not how he does it...well, he can't really win can he? He's trying to do what you asked, which is not something that comes naturally and now you're not happy because they're not big enough things he's buying.

With a new baby it's practical support I needed, washing, cooking, cleaning...taking over when you need a break - that to me is worth it's weight in presents.

Is he trying to be supportive, or is this something you're concentrating on because it's a tiny bit of a bigger issue?

I think you are focusing too much on material things.

He seems to be trying.

It doesn't matter how much things cost, but at the same time he shouldn't be telling you. I doubt he means anything by it though.

DP brought me a pack of pork pies from our fridge at home, that I'd bought 2 days before going into labour and hadn't had chance to eat.

I was thrilled and ate them all at once savoured each one and made them last!

I was talking to DP, the other day, about my labour. Dd is 1, soon so it's been on my mind. For the first time I realised that he is a bit traumatised by seeing me in theatre, have forceps and a PPH. I'm glad we talked as I was pretty out of it with exhaustion and had the lovely oxytocin to wipe away most of the bad stuff, he didn't.

Maybe stop thinking if support in terms of monetary value. You're a team with a tiny person to care for, you both need to be appreciating the other.

Sometimes we all need a bit of perspective 17 don't take it to heart

Nothing. It didn't even cross my mind to expect a gift!

Well, I am going to go against the grain here and say that I totally understand how the OP feels.

I am sure she is focussing on her baby. But tbh it's very easy to neglect yourself when you have a child. If your own needs are neglected for long enough then the baby is going to suffer too.

If you've been through a stressful time then you are entitled to expect that your DH is supportive of you and your emotional needs - that's what a marriage should be about.

OP :) xx

It depends. Would your DH expect you to buy him anything if he went in for an op. I do think it would be nice if he showed some gratitude for you carrying and giving birth to his child with some sort of present.

It's incredibly crass and insensitive to say ' you have your lovely baby so be quiet'

I'm really surprised to see people saying that on mumsnet.

Mine took me to Maison Blanc for CAKES!! As I had Gestational Diabetes in the last 10 weeks it was what I most wanted

Never got a gift, never expected one.

DH doing a night feed was the best gift ever! And watching him love our child.

No flowers could be worth more than that.

ok the op has very gracefully come back and has taken on board all the comments.

good on you op. be good to yourself and have a lovely cuddle with dh and baby. priceless. xx

Pull the other one Lottie

Expensive presents are not an emotional need for anyone over the age of 10.