to ask if your dp gave you a gift after the birth of your child

[seventeensecondslater]

Ok, it's been a rough year. Dp lost a parent. I had 4 failed cycles of fertility treatment and then - amazingly, a 5th that worked and we have a ds who is a few weeks old.

The thing is, we - dp and I - seem to be having the same conversation over and over again - that is - I talk, he says sorry, and then nothing happens. As I was going through each treatment, and when the first 4 failed, I kept telling him that I was feeling almost bereaved, really emotionally vulnerable and that I needed his support and for him to make me feel loved - keep telling me and make sure i have lots of little treats etc so that I know he's thinking of me. Well, nothing happened. He effectively, buried his head in the sand. Then, in the last few months of pregnancy, I was hormonal, exhausted and emotionally up and down and I really needed his support and guess what?

So, we had quite a traumatic labour - really fast and painful dilation and the pushing bit was so fast that ds was out in less than 15 mins, not breathing and we were all totally shell shocked. The thing is - am I feeling a bit entitled here? - I was hoping he'd at least get me a bunch of flowers after... ...he did a week and a half later (from tesco!) but he said he was waiting to see if someone else sent us some first - how lame is that? And he bought our other birth partner a lovely, expensive bunch of flowers the day after he got me some from tesco.

When I had a go at him, he said, sorry - again! - and later on that week, he bought me a small cake from our local bakery. Later on that day, he said he made a mistake and he should have taken one from the shelf below because they were half price!!! And later on that week, we went shopping and he bought me 2 books - I was really touched. And then he said 'it's ok, they were only a pound each!'

I know I sound really hung up on material things here - but it's really not about the money - it's about the fact that I feel really devalued at the moment and I need to feel that I am worth more than a half price cake or a cheap book. Is it unreasonable to want to be able to point to something and say - yes, dp bought that for me on the birth of our child to show me how much he loves me???

I totally get the OP.

I gave birth 10 days ago. I made sacrifices with my lifestyle, food, alcohol etc in order to safely carry and protect our baby to term. DH didn't - in fact he was in the pub a week before the birth whilst I coralled the toddler at 39 weeks pregnant and exhausted.

My pregnancy was pretty shit emotionally. I had PND with my first and extreme anxiety while carrying this baby. Had psychiatric care and an elcs which helped but now she is here I'm back on that precipice. DH isn't. He didn't go through the feeling of losing his mind, and is elated she is here.

As I said, I had an elcs, and although my recovery has been good DH isn't the one with a wound across his stomach, or the pain that comes with that. But he gets the 'lovely baby' after, as much as I do.

As I'm breastfeeding, I'm the one who is up every two hours feeding our baby, while DH murmurs in 'support' "..she wants milk". And then promptly goes back to snoring.

What I want is a thoughtful gesture that marks my amazing achievement to provide him with two beautiful girls, and the acknowledgement that in order for him to have them, I have, at times, gone through fucking shitty hell. I want to feel loved, special and appreciated. I don't.

So yes, I totally understand you OP. It is a major achievement to have a baby, and nurture them and it is not bloody easy and flowery and rosy, especially in those early weeks. A thoughtful gift, for YOU and not the baby actually would help ti make me feel all of those things. Even some flowers would help.

I didn't, but a lot of people I know did. DH even had lunch with one NCT dad he bumped into on a 'buying my DW a present for the birth' - DH was a bit puzzled and came back and asked if I expected anything - no use if you have to ask, dimbo!

He's really crap at Mother's Day too - but he is a fantastic husband and dad, and I'd rather that than someone who was good at buying me presents. Though obviously I'd rather have both!

I got a small box of milk tray with my eldest. I can't remember with the younger one.

Chaz we have terribly inconsiderate babies

Dh had spent the day before trying to convince me I wasn't in labour ( ) so I wouldn't miss my party. Bless him thinking I could postpone labour.

My dh also bought me a box of those Lindt balls after I had my glucose tolerance test (before I got the results.

For DD, I was given a lovely turquoise necklace and matching brooch from John Lewis and for DS it was an orange necklace with matching earrings. I still wear them all now. nearly 50 years later

Oh, and 20 minutes after the second was born at home, he brought me the 14 month old first one so I could change her nappy.....

Congratulations on your lovely baby, and sorry to hear that you went through such a tough time.

My dh didnt get me anything at the birth of our child, and I dont think it would ever have occured to him (its just not the way his mind works)! He did provide the emotional support I needed though, and the practical help with nappies, pacing round the room with a colicky baby, emailing photos to relatives etc.
If he was to get me a gift he would have done the same thing as your dh and gone for a bargain - but that is because he is a little bit obsessed with bargains, not because he values me less. If anything he would probably see it as saving money for me and our dd.

The first couple of weeks were a total blur anyway, it was very tiring for both of us and we argued sometimes because of this. It does get so much easier - is he pulling his weight with looking after your baby?

I'm not sure bring from a traditional family means one must buy Tiffany jewellery, but maybe my idea of traditional involves bloke being like 99% of other blokes and like all other present buying occasions failing miserably, doesn't make me love him any less

It not that he got a bargain on the books, it's that he made such a point of telling her. Likewise, the cake was sweet and the OP thought so too then he spoils it by saying he wished he'd bought the half price one instead.

To me it reads as if he's saying, 'I got you this but it doesn't mean anything and I only got it because it was cheap/I wished I'd got a cheaper one.' To me is seems slightly passive aggressive and has nothing to do with whether a husband is a gift giver or not.

I must live on a different planet. What did you get him?

Nope. Although I think he brought yummy fruit and a magazine which I never read as I was gazing obsessively at DD!
But he did and does provide endless practical and emotional support and I hope that I try and suppose him too. Due to pnd I think the last year may have been a bit one sided but I am sure he is not keeping count.

I didn't get anything. I also didn't buy him anything... He went through it too. Have you bought him a new dad gift?

I was offered a present and DH suggested some things I might like. Trouble was, most things he suggested (eg jewellery) seemed a bit of a waste and I couldn't think of any thing else I wanted. In the end we jointly made a donation to a charity that's meaningful to us in DS's name.

I didn't expect a gift, but DP bought me a pair of opal rings after DD was born, and an opal necklace after DS was born.

I love them, wear them a lot, but never expected them and wouldn't have asked for them. He didn't want a gift in return.

I can understand your feelings OP. I think the issue is that you are feeling overlooked, unloved and unsupported. Four failed IVF cycles is an awful lot physically and emotionally and it doesn't just disappear when you are lucky enough to have a baby.

My husband had a very different approach to fertility treatment to me and was very practical and just wanted to keep going until we were successful. However, he wasn't the one injecting himself in the stomach every night or going through the menopause. It is easy to begin to feel like a machine and not supported in the way you feel you need to be. These feelings can fester and continue even if you are successful.

You've had a tough and emotional year but you are in the most wonderful situation where you have a much-longed for baby. Remember that the little acts of kindness are the important things now not the showy gifts. Try to take them at face value even when your partner is playing them down.

Congratulations by the way!

You do seem to be seeing gifts as an acceptable replacement for emotion, possible the only valid symbol of emotion. It does sound (especially the disliking a gift you had thought was lovely because you found out it was inexpensive) a bit childish and it would, perhaps, be good for you to think about why you need those sorts of of signs to convince you of someone's love and support for you.

But at the same time it doesn't sound like your DH was a shining example of the supportive partner. You kept telling him what you needed and he ignored you for a long time. He didn't talk to you about it, or ask you why you needed him to buy you presents. He didn't say - "Sorry I don't think it's wise to spend money right now/I'm a bit useless at gifts. But here, I've written you a poem/I'll give you a massage/I've made breakfast in bed." He just ignored your request until you had a go at him. So I don't know that YABU to be a bit upset with how he has acted, but your expectations for exactly what he should have done seem U.

To add to the rest of the chorus - I didn't get a gift, I think I would have been a bit insulted if I had got one. But I felt totally supported by my DH throughout the whole getting pregnant (IVF too) and having a baby thing. He left me in no doubt he was there for me and I could rely on him.

Still - You are a new mother! Congratulations! Don't dwell on this now, just file it at the back of your mind and think more deeply about it when you aren't in the middle of aking the biggest adjustment of your life.

I got nothing...I am still bitter.

I wasn't going to comment because I didn't want to seem like an insensitive arse, but for me as least pregnancy and childbirth was bloody hard work and painful. I feel no guilt at all at receiving nice presents after my children were born with absolutely no intention reciprocating.
There shouldn't be any pressure on the mother's part however because otherwise she may as well go and buy something for herself.

Mine bought me an opal and diamond Victorian ring. It was about 6 weeks after. We went to my favourite jeweller who specialises in antique jewellery to choose it.

Mine brought me food to the hospital, and watched DS while I slept (as DS wouldn't sleep at ALL at night and I was so so tired). Once out, he was pretty useless, and as I'd been in 4 days, the house was a tip when I got home - the first thing I did was clean the bathroom and the kitchen!

I wouldn't feel a present was thoughtful if I had demanded it in the first place!
Maybe he is worried about spending money if you're on mat leave?
You have a son, why would you care about presents?
I don't remember if my DH bought me a gift, it was 17 year ago and I remember every detail of the birth etc but not if I got a gift...

Is he emotionally supportive? Does he do his fair share with the baby? Because he could buy you as many flowers as you like, if he's not there for you otherwise it's all a bit pointless.

I don't think my DH bought me anything after the birth. I think he's only bought me flowers about twice in 8 years! He's not romantic, but is great at cooking and looking after DS. I did get an eternity ring the year after, mind.

My DP gave me a new camera the day I went in for induction and we spent the evening in hospital trying to work it out! It was something we had talked about getting for us both for taking (endless) photos of the baby. I had joked about him getting me a 'push present' and suggested ridiculously extravagant things but I was very surprised and delighted at the gift I got. I wouldn't have been offended if he didn't get me anything though.
It does sound like you really need more of his time and emotional support and a gift is just a way of him expressing what you need from him. Congratulations on your new baby

I didn't get or expect anything, to be honest I was far too shell shocked at becoming a parent that I didn't even really think about it. You do sound rather entitled, but I can understand how some of the comments from your DH may have upset you when you're feeling hormonal etc. However, he's maybe felt like he's been treading on eggshells for so long that he's not sure how to behave around you, as he seems to do most things wrong.