to ask if your dp gave you a gift after the birth of your child

[seventeensecondslater]

Ok, it's been a rough year. Dp lost a parent. I had 4 failed cycles of fertility treatment and then - amazingly, a 5th that worked and we have a ds who is a few weeks old.

The thing is, we - dp and I - seem to be having the same conversation over and over again - that is - I talk, he says sorry, and then nothing happens. As I was going through each treatment, and when the first 4 failed, I kept telling him that I was feeling almost bereaved, really emotionally vulnerable and that I needed his support and for him to make me feel loved - keep telling me and make sure i have lots of little treats etc so that I know he's thinking of me. Well, nothing happened. He effectively, buried his head in the sand. Then, in the last few months of pregnancy, I was hormonal, exhausted and emotionally up and down and I really needed his support and guess what?

So, we had quite a traumatic labour - really fast and painful dilation and the pushing bit was so fast that ds was out in less than 15 mins, not breathing and we were all totally shell shocked. The thing is - am I feeling a bit entitled here? - I was hoping he'd at least get me a bunch of flowers after... ...he did a week and a half later (from tesco!) but he said he was waiting to see if someone else sent us some first - how lame is that? And he bought our other birth partner a lovely, expensive bunch of flowers the day after he got me some from tesco.

When I had a go at him, he said, sorry - again! - and later on that week, he bought me a small cake from our local bakery. Later on that day, he said he made a mistake and he should have taken one from the shelf below because they were half price!!! And later on that week, we went shopping and he bought me 2 books - I was really touched. And then he said 'it's ok, they were only a pound each!'

I know I sound really hung up on material things here - but it's really not about the money - it's about the fact that I feel really devalued at the moment and I need to feel that I am worth more than a half price cake or a cheap book. Is it unreasonable to want to be able to point to something and say - yes, dp bought that for me on the birth of our child to show me how much he loves me???

Congratulations on your new baby OP.

I do think you may have been a bit hard in him but you probably get that.

Is he getting support himself? He sounds like he's had his own horrendous time of it.. you've been supporting him as well haven't you? Some men are crap at asking.. especially if their partners are feeling vulnerable and want to be looked after.

I can't remember if I got anything from the ex.. maybe a balloon or something.

Oh well, I still don't think the OP is being unreasonable. I don't mean with gift expectation but her DP is behaving strangely IMO.

DH brought me a sausage and egg Macmuffin. After months of horrendous indigestion at the mere thought of food, it was the most amazing present in the entire universe. Midwives on the ward were a bit mind.

No I never got anything from DH, it never occurred to me that I would. Is this a new thing then? Can I ask him for two presents backdated 22 & 18 years?

Some real low expectations on this thread!

No present or flowers, didn't expect or ask for any. But he looked after babies and I very well. Priceless.

OP, why don't you buy yourself a special treat to celebrate. A nice piece of jewellery or something that you can keep forever. Blow the budget a bit, make yourself feel special. And if you would like nice flowers, buy some for yourself
You can do it all online, don't even need to leave the house.

Some men are just not good at present buying.
I'd also cut your DP some slack here. He also went through all the tough times, and probably also needed support, and had his own stresses.

Don't associate presents with love and support. Some of the most generous gift givers I know treat their wives unfairly in other ways.

Finally, congratulations on the birth of your DS.

Good on you, OP. Enjoy your baby.

I'd never heard of "push presents" before coming on MN, although I was vaguely aware that one friend bought his wife an eternity ring a few months after she gave birth. I'm pregnant at the moment, and I would rather my husband gave me a bit of a rest between feeds than racing round Tesco to find some flowers or something!

She's not asking for expensive presents - where exactly in her OP does it say that?

She says her DH buried his head in the same when she needed emotional support and made thoughtless comments to her after the baby was born.

I agree with Nancy.

I'm surprised that people can't read between the lines of the OP and see that this is about someone who feels unsupported rather than someone who expects expensive presents.

OP I think after you have given birth you are all over the place. We had dd after 3 mc, DH mother had died unexpectedly during the pregnancy and, despite having a straightforward birth I'm pretty sure I was in shock. I had never felt so vulnerable in my life. I was overwhelmed with love and neediness for DH after the birth, and whilst I didn't want (or get) physical gifts, I was desperate for him to constantly tell me how well I had done and how great I was. DH has never been the kind of person to gush over and over, and was pretty overwhelmed himself.

When I think back now and I remember how he would sit up holding dd until whatever hour so I could get some sleep, or when he would just hug me as I cried and cried with baby blues, supporting me when breastfeeding was tough etc I realise that's what got me through those hard early days.

So I can totally understand why you are fixating on this, but ime these feelings will calm down eventually.

By the way OP you say almost bereaved... no almost in there... you were bereaved... I have had 5 mc 3 before my DD and 2 since then and each one is a bereavement

Yes, the op said she was 'touched' by the gift of books. That's hardly materialistic as I'm guessing she assumed such a present cost about £10 yet she was still very pleased. Then he goes and spoils it, as he did with the cake. It's as if he is trying to make it very clear that he is not making an effort.

"Some real low expectations on this thread!"

Oh aye - I'm a cheap date me like

The thing is if it's just literally, he's being great and loving and supportive and helpful, but I want a present - that is unreasonable. If it's more feeling unsupported and a bit vulnerable and fixating on the present aspect of it - that's totally not.

I was over the moon with my new family.

FFS, I'm sure the OP is also 'over the moon' with her new family. She's not feeling supported by her partner at an extremely vulnerable time in her life.
Fwiw, I am very proud of the beautiful jewellery that DH bought me after each birth but he was also very emotionally supportive and verbally and with his actions, made me feel better at the low points. If I had to chose 1, I'd chose the support, of course but it doesn't sound like the OP is getting either so she's focusing on the tangible.

DH got me two babies. I was more than happy with them. Didn't occur to me to want a present. Seem to be lots of people on MN at the moment whose self-worth is bound up in material things. Why? You got a BABY. After 4 failed IVF attempts. That is the most massive, fantastic, mind-blowing, inspiring gift the world could ever dream up.

seventeen
First - big congratulations on the birth of your DS

You are probably quite emotionally vulnerable at the moment - you've had a tough year and now you have all the hormones and sleeplessness of a new baby. Things that you would usually ignore can take on an importance they don't deserve.

You've very graciously taken people's comments on the chin but I just wanted to say don't feel bad about thinking the way you did, I'm sure I had some moments when I was in a "sleep deprived my world has just turned upside down" haze. Welcome to parenthood.

The best thing DH got me after DS1 was born was the takeaway pizza he brought to the hospital, it was so much better than the hospital's food!

for the OP

• it was quite a short post but she DID come back to say she was going to count her blessings!

When ds was born Dh brought a cake, flowers, balloons and a beautiful bracelet all wrapped up into the post natal ward.

Not because I had just had a baby but that the little bugger arrived 4 weeks early on my birthday and ruined the surprise party dh had organised

Hi 17. I can see that you are asking for emotional support and this has all got a but muddled.

If you do come back to this thread, I do have one question. Is your DP still grieving for his lost parent? I ask because I lost my dad suddenly last year and it raised some very unexpected feelings. Alongside the expected feelings of loss and anger, I also felt very guilty. Guilty because I had waited until my 30s to have dc and had in my mind "robbed" my dc of a long relationship with their grandad. And guilty that my dad only had 5 years as a grandad.

Yes you are a new mum. You have had a very tough time. But so has your DP. He is a new parent too, dealing with the loss of his own parent. Even if he seems ok, there may well be a whole range of emotions going on inside him. You need emotional support but so does he.

Nancy - you make good points, but maybe there's a reason the DP is being a bit tight fisted with his presents. He could be very worried about the extra costs of having another mouth to feed. I know a lot of men who fret about this after the birth. They panic at the financial responsibility and it comes out in irrational acts. It's like a sort of paternal PND.

Another one who didn't get a present.
I got something more valuable. A husband that bent over backwards to go te extra mile, let me do next to nothing to help me recover from a traumatic birth with Ds1 (ds2 was no problem!)

I think him changing nappies, making the tea, doing the bulk of the house work, sitting with me in the night for hours and then doing a 10 hour shift was worth so much more than the bracelet my sister got from her now ex and who the expected her to do everything for him and moaned the stairs weren't hoovered two days the birth, even though she was stitched nd could hardly wee!

Get your priorities right!

FriggingRexManningDay
I got a cake when DS2 was born which was actually my birthday cake from the day before as I had spent my birthday in labour. At least DS2 did hang on to the next day.

DH gave me some lovely pieces of Tiffany jewellery after the births of DCs, but both of our families are quite traditional.

Seriously?!?

I didn't get anything for giving birth to my DS, and nor did I expect anything. You are a team, a family unit - why should you demand a present and not him? You new baby should be gift enough.

He's already buying you small gifts but these don't appear to be good enough for you. Have you bought him anything?

It sounds like he has had a rough time losing a parent - the last thing he needs is someone being ungrateful and demanding. Have you even bothered to take time to ask how he is in any of this?

You come across as sounding very high maintenance. Do something positive and put your energy into focussing on your new baby.