Aibu to not go to fil party

[crje]

Father in law is having big birthday , his two sons are organising a family meal ( 6 adults,in an expensive restaurant . The 2 sons will pay the bill.

Mil has now invited extended family ( 13 adults,in laws siblings & partners) . My husband won't say anything and says bill will still be spilt two ways. At probably £100 per head bill will be much more than we anticipated for now 19 People.

I'm so cross , money is tight .
My husband won't discuss it .

Do I have to go and watch my husbands family eat & drink my family holiday budget .

Suggest that the arrangements are rethought given the increase in numbers. E.g could the two brothers host a BBQ at home instead

YANBU, your DH agreed to pay half for a meal for 6 and now MIL has upped the number to 19 and you can't afford this? Your problem is My husband won't discuss it tho.... He should have said straight away he could not afford to pay for so many extra and would MIL prefer that they opted for a much cheaper venue or would she be paying the additional costs?

I am afraid you do have to unless you want to precipitate a massive family fall out but you are NBU at all for objecting and your mil should know better. I bet your dbil is not pleased either.

Yes, what is BIL saying about it?

Won't discuss it? I'd go spare at your MIL. Fucking cheeky.

Bil of same opinion as my husband afaik

Will be seeing mil later , she will suggest I buy a dress and get my hair / nails done for the event !!!

I'm trying to be flippant about it but I honestly could cry.

I feel my husband owes me an explanation as to how he can justify this when we have 100 other uses for the money.

Do I keep pushing it or just suck it up.

Keep pushing, speak to bil. Put a lid on it now before it gets any further, what is to stop them inviting even more people?

Why don't you just say to your MIL "you understand that DH and I are only paying for the people originally invited, not the extra 13 don't you?"

Obviously your DH should be dealing with this issue, but if he won't it doesn't mean you can't.

Hell no, your dh and dbil should split the cost of 6 adults, anyone else pays for their own. Perhaps a couple of bottles of wine could be privided but no way would I be paying 2k for other peoples dinner

So it's going to cost you about £1000????

And your dh won't discuss it?

Fuck that for a game of soldiers - unless you have completely separate finances or he's Bill Gates - how to spend £1000 is a subject that must be discussed.

So:-

1. Agree with dh it's too much money.
2. Agree with BIL and his wife it's too much money
3. Say to MIL "Not sure if you knew but "the kids" we're planning on treating you and FIL as it's such a special day. Obviously we can't afford to buy everyone's dinner so would you rather we paid you and FIL's share or treated everyone to some lovely champers?"

You are not unreasonable in complaining to your dh but I think you should go

For goodness sake women, of course you should push it! You can't afford it, its is a complete liberty on the part of your husbands family and you have every right to make that point to your MIL & husband!

Why are you letting her push you around? Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

When I saw her I'd spill it!

Sorry x post - your BIL agrees with your dh?

Ok - there's something going on here - is BIL very well off? And your dh trying to "keep up"?

Seriously - we are pretty comfortable financially - but this is far far more than I would dream of spending.

Also - are the siblings aware you dh and BIL is treating? I can't imagine a situation where I let my nephews pay for my dinner - especially if it cost £100 a head - I treat them!

Definitely not unreasonable
£1000 for a birthday paying for others?

I would laugh at dp and say, "Ha ha very funny - so what's the real plan?" If he suggested thid.

It's not just his money , it's the families. .

Your MIL is being cheeky and thoughtless but the real problem is that your DH isn't prepared to say anything. Does he feel embarrassed to say to his parents that he can't afford the extra costs? If you don't want to be confrontational you could do something along lines that Mumoftwoyoungkids suggests, i.e. say breezily obviously you and BIL won't be able to pay for everyone now the numbers are up, how about we pay for champagne. Act shocked if MIL dates to say she assumed you were paying for the lot.

Why should you blow your family holiday budget on one meal?

I can't believe the audacity of the MIL! Has she not stipulated to the extra guests that they must pay?

OP say no. This is not on. Speak to MIL. Although it should be your husband doing that!

Otherwise, take them to the cheapest all you can eat and say it's because you had a budget.

Though it seems easy to blame MIL, I think the real fault here lies with DH, his attitude to money and his refusal to talk about how it is spent.

Has he controlled the money (or anything else) in such a high-handed way before?

Tell them money is much too tight and unfortunetly it will have to be split between everyone, anything else is damned unfair.

'We cannot afford to pay the extra people you invited. So I will contact them and let them know they need to buy their own meal if they want to come, and be sure to remind them at the restaurant before orders are placed.'

I'm guessing MIL is thinking the others will pay their own bills. Otherwise it's unbelievably cheeky. Frankly if you were hosting 19 people you'd do something much cheaper on a per head basis. I think the best thing would be if the 19 people paid for themselves and DH and BIL pay for the original 6. You might find the remaining 17 say let's split it to cover MIL and FIL bills in which case you'd be quids in.

Or 6 go to an expensive restaurant and MIL organises a party of wider friends and family at a cheaper venue.

Something needs to be said either the extra people will have to pay or like someone else suggested it becomes a BBQ, when mil mentions a dress say you can't afford it as all your money's going towards the meal

Could PILS afford to pay for the extra?
Does MIL know how costly the restaurant is - or was it done on a "ooh wouldn't it be nice to have these people along as well"?

The blame here lies with your DH and his brother, if they are hosting they should control who is invited, but I can understand why they want to do something lovely for their Dad on a big birthday. I can also understand why your mil would want to invite family as it's for a big celebration.

I think if you can afford it without getting into debt or putting off essentials, then I would just go along with it and make DH sacrifice his personal luxuries to pay for it rather than making the whole family go without.

Option 3 - change venue to lovely local gastropub.
Option 4 - what is your dh's prized possession? Greet him tonight with a cheery grin saying "it's ok - I've worked out how we can pay for FIL's meal without the children having to go without a holiday this year - I've had a look and if we sell your IPad / motorbike / family silver on Ebay we'll get nearly £600. Isn't that great?" When he protests say - "but you want the meal - why should me and the children pay for it - now - where's the camera for the listing?"