Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not go to fil party

167 replies

crje · 20/03/2014 15:27

Father in law is having big birthday , his two sons are organising a family meal ( 6 adults,in an expensive restaurant . The 2 sons will pay the bill.

Mil has now invited extended family ( 13 adults,in laws siblings & partners) . My husband won't say anything and says bill will still be spilt two ways. At probably £100 per head bill will be much more than we anticipated for now 19 People.

I'm so cross , money is tight .
My husband won't discuss it .

Do I have to go and watch my husbands family eat & drink my family holiday budget .

OP posts:
edwinbear · 20/03/2014 16:14

If it were me, I'd be calling up the restaurant and cancelling the booking on the quiet, then acting shocked when everyone turned up and there was no table. No way would I fork out 1k on a free ride for extended family.

ViviPru · 20/03/2014 16:19

Ok - there's something going on here - is BIL very well off? And your dh trying to "keep up"?

This crossed my mind too.

I usually like to quietly and play the puppetmaster under the radar in situations like this, but your DH is not facilitating that so I think you need to start making some very loud noises about how this Is Not Happening.

ClownsLeftJokersRight · 20/03/2014 16:20

Mil needs to join the real world pronto and has probably been swept along in the bubble her son's have created. You simply must have that discussion with dh. I really love MumofTwo's Ebay scenario.

Just a thought is bil ok with this financially thereby making your dh feel awkward at bringing it up?

SometimesLonely · 20/03/2014 16:24

Is this a precedent? I expect the MiL is younger than the FiL so there'll be another big birthday will happen again in perhaps 4 years? What about the OP's parents' big birthdays? I'm one of those who treats everyone equally but I would draw the line at letting someone else invite people to what I was paying for and it would push up the £100 to £1000!!.

ClownsLeftJokersRight · 20/03/2014 16:33

How do you get on with bil's partner/wife? If you're bothered about this behind the scenes, I bet she is too.

Original poster
crje · 20/03/2014 16:47

Woo woo owl

Think to avioid a huge row huge row this is going to have to be the way it goes.

We won't starve and yes I do think dh's pride is the issue.
Even if he was honest with me I'd feel less bothered .

Meal on Sat 28rh It's been booked for two months , numbers were added last week.

OP posts:
Dubjackeen · 20/03/2014 16:47

IMO, it's not up to MIL to increase numbers like that, without consulting with the people who are footing the bill. This needs to be nipped in the bud now, by DH and BIL.

Mintyy · 20/03/2014 16:51

I can't believe you are not going to say something about this!

I had to put my foot down over ridiculous over-spending on inlaws anniversary present last year, which the two sons were supposed to cover. Luckily, dh agreed with me that too much was being expected of us, and together we vetoed the idea.

If you don't say anything then you are being taken advantage of! I wouldn't allow that to happen, no way.

rookiemater · 20/03/2014 16:51

CRJE - who picked the restaurant?

Teeb · 20/03/2014 16:51

Does your mil appreciate how much this is costing?

If he insists he's paying then I agree he should fund it himself and not with the family holiday pot.

BornFreeButinChains · 20/03/2014 16:54

How do you know for 100% they wont be contributing and sharing the cost. I just cant imagine anyone adding people to a bill unless they were 10 years old and illicitly inviting friends parents didn't know about!

who would do this?

Does Mil think you are loaded?

crje, Can I ask why its better to avoid a huge row? Would fil be upset to know you cant afford this?

Think of the food you could buy with that budget to serve as a buffet at home for them all

expatinscotland · 20/03/2014 16:56

Enable her and you deserve what you get.

Cringechilli · 20/03/2014 16:56

That is absolutely ridiculous. If I was one of the 19 guests, I would not allow your dh or BIL to pay for my meal, I would be so embarrassed at spending someone else's money like that.

If your dh refuses to engage, I'd talk to mil and FIL about it. Surely they are not expecting their sons to shell out £1900 between them? My FIL would be utterly horrified at this. He doesn't like us spending £15 on a Christmas present for him because he wants us to have the money. Might your FIL feel like this?

BornFreeButinChains · 20/03/2014 16:57

if they are hosting they should control who is invited, but I can understand why they want to do something lovely for their Dad on a big birthday. I can also understand why your mil would want to invite family

Slight contradiction there woo woo.

The brothers are in control MIL should defer to them if its ok to invite more people.

where will this end, she has added, no one has batted an eye lid, who stops her thinking, oh and what about so and so and and so and so

Preciousbane · 20/03/2014 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

waltermittymissus · 20/03/2014 16:59

Hang on.]

Your dh and BIL booked a meal for six people two months ago.

Then your MIL invited a shed load more.

Does she definitely expect your dh and BIL to still pay?

This is just bizarre!

Original poster
crje · 20/03/2014 17:28

Thanks everyone

Woo woo owl think that's the way it will have to be.

OP posts:
LoonvanBoon · 20/03/2014 17:31

Bloody hell, OP, I wouldn't take it so easily if it was £1000 of our holiday budget being spent without my agreement.

Nanny0gg · 20/03/2014 17:33

Why did your MiL increase the numbers like that? Are you sure she expects you to pay?

I would definitely pursue this with my DH. If you don't, it will fester for a long time - tell him this.

And if MiL asked me about a new frock and hairdo I would be (PA) explaining why that was out of the question now.

Nanny0gg · 20/03/2014 17:36

I think if you can afford it without getting into debt or putting off essentials, then I would just go along with it and make DH sacrifice his personal luxuries to pay for it rather than making the whole family go without.

They can't afford it, that's the point!

If it's their holiday budget is there likely to be enough in the 'personal luxuries' budget to cover?

(Who has one of those?)

moominmarvellous · 20/03/2014 17:38

Does your mother in law know that the sons were planning to cover the cost of the dinner?

This sounds like the kind of mix up I would have with my MIL because DH & DBIL don't communicate with her very well. They'd agree together meanwhile MIL would be none the wiser and it would all be crossed wires.......

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 20/03/2014 17:39

Fuck that!!!!

I'd go with the kids on holiday and leave the husband behind.

Dont be a mug!!

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/03/2014 17:42

It's not HIS money OP - it's both of your money. And if you haven't got it, then you haven't got it.

Someone has to put their foot down and make find out innocently who is paying for the extras.

BackforGood · 20/03/2014 17:42

What ShedWood said on P1

You just innocently say to MiL "You do realise dh and BiL are paying for the 6 of us don't you - have you asked the extra people you have invited to pay for themselves or are you treating them ?

There is no way I would pay to treat people that I hadn't invited somewhere.

PorkPieandPickle · 20/03/2014 18:32

Are you scared to argue with your DH about this? Because normally people really would not tolerate this!