Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not go to fil party

167 replies

crje · 20/03/2014 15:27

Father in law is having big birthday , his two sons are organising a family meal ( 6 adults,in an expensive restaurant . The 2 sons will pay the bill.

Mil has now invited extended family ( 13 adults,in laws siblings & partners) . My husband won't say anything and says bill will still be spilt two ways. At probably £100 per head bill will be much more than we anticipated for now 19 People.

I'm so cross , money is tight .
My husband won't discuss it .

Do I have to go and watch my husbands family eat & drink my family holiday budget .

OP posts:
BornFreeButinChains · 20/03/2014 21:43

Oh dear, of course the sons wont take the money from their mother.

I guess it comes down to what you will and wont stand for.

Your poor son.

ChasedByBees · 20/03/2014 21:44

That's really horrible. You have to stand up for your family more. Please.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 20/03/2014 21:44

You need to be firmer OP. I would be furious if my DH was doing this. You should have been clearer to MIL that you don't have the funds to pay for all the extra guests. All this talk of the early bird menu is avoiding to let issue.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 20/03/2014 21:45

Key not let

expatinscotland · 20/03/2014 21:46

Sad and confused? That your husband is a being a nob?

I'd call your MIL and tell her you will not be paying for all these people.

I would also get onto the bank and make sure he can't use any joint funds to pay.

I'd contact ALL the extras and tell them they need to pay for themselves or MIL needs to foot it.

Yes, I really would.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 20/03/2014 21:48

Expat is right. Are you a woman or a mouse?

BornFreeButinChains · 20/03/2014 21:49

I understand your mil is excited, its all exciting but unless YOU YOU YOU or your DH tell her you cannot afford this you cannot blame her.

You can be nice about it, you can let her down gently...You can say its all so exciting however there is a little problem

WE CANT AFFORD IT.

Just say it.

ohldoneedtogetagrip · 20/03/2014 21:51

So your DH won't grow a pair of balls and challenge this bill splitting BUT he is quite happy to be a skinflint when it comes to his DS's 18th birthday.

Shame on your DH OP.
I feel so sorry for your DS and of course you.
If he insists on splitting the bill tell him you want an equal sum of money to spend on you and the DC's. He can beg steal or borrow it-not your problem.

TheBody · 20/03/2014 21:52

look phone her back and tell her straight you are paying for the original ones but the add ons will either pay for themselves or mil must find the cost herself.

my df secretly paid for his db and family to come back from Australia in the 60s as they hated it. dm didn't know this and he hadn't discussed it with her. we were bloody poor anyway.

they are now both 80 and she brings this up still frequently in arguments.

this boil needs to be lanced or it will fester.

TheBody · 20/03/2014 21:55

you say your dh is acting like a littie boy. I agree. so treat him like one and you take control now, tonight.

tell mil she phones round or you do. or tell db it's down to him but you ain't paying.

catus · 20/03/2014 22:17

I'm aghast at your situation OP. From what you 've been writing, you seem convinced you only have 2 options : either pay up and resent your dh and ils or pay up but don' t go in a hope to achieve I don't know what exactly.
Both those options are absurd, they make no sense whatsoever. Clearly, what you need to do is quite simple. You call your mil again, you politely and clearly state you cannot afford it as you would be using your holiday fund, and that's it.
Why is it so hard ? Would she like to see her grand children go without a holiday ? I doubt it.
So, your DH clearly has issues around money and his family, issues that are not going to be fixed without time to work through them. You don't have that time right now, so take control.
Good luck.

BornFreeButinChains · 20/03/2014 22:22

"Hi Mil, sorry to call again, I am sorry to worry you, its just I am worried SICK about this party, you know your son is proud, its just we are so looking forward to it ,and dh is happy to pay for the original party of 6 but we simply cannot afford the larger party, Yes YEs I know you said you would chip in, but the reality of the boys letting you do this, on the day is slim, they said they would pay and they will even though YOU have added about 1 grand to the bill, its just as you KNOW, poor DS had tesco vouchers on his bday and groupon go karting....i think he also may feel a tiny bit put out to see thousands being spent on fils party, so I am sorry but we need to sort t out as we also wont be able to afford to go anywhere this year. You understand dont you, NO MIL NO MIL, I am sorry but as I said, leaving it till the day isnt good enough, they wont let you pay.

PorkPieandPickle · 20/03/2014 22:28

Surely this is your money too? So you just say to DH no, I am not willing to spend that amount. What the F will your DS think? That he's worth nothing? Why are you so scared to stand up to your DH. Quite frankly this is ridiculous, and one of those threads that makes me very angry.

Original poster
crje · 20/03/2014 22:34

Not going to talk to mil , it could cause a big rift with bil so ill talk to dh ,I do feel a bit sorry for him Blush
I think there is a level of expectation he feels to make him act like this. That must feel pretty crap and then to add to that a drmented wife who is pulling the other way .

He can't win but that doesn't make it okay.

I know this could fester but that works both ways

Should have married an orphan !

OP posts:
fuzzpig · 20/03/2014 22:37

As always on these eyewateringly shocking threads of total pisstakers, expat has it exactly right.

NonnoMum · 20/03/2014 22:37

Oh,just pay it.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 20/03/2014 22:37

It's making me angry too. If you have an 18 year old son you must be a mature woman of at least late thirties. You must have asserted yourself before surely Angry

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/03/2014 22:39

£2k on one meal. FFS put your foot down!

Host a bloody BBQ or something. This is crazy talk.

Chottie · 20/03/2014 22:40

Dear OP, it really sounds as if your MiL doesn't really think before she speaks.

Two ideas -
how about the other people who are coming? Could you speak to any of them and see if they could buy the drink between them?

Or if you spoke to MiL and explained that her DS would not have a holiday this year due to the cost of the meal for FiL, she would be horrified he works so hard and needs a holiday and give you some money to pay for a holiday.

I think you need to speak to your MiL on a level she will understand. How old is she?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 20/03/2014 22:41

X-posts with you, OP, but you still need to put your foot down even if DH is proud to a fault.

Georgina1975 · 20/03/2014 22:42

Would it be okay for you to spend £1000 without discussion. You are a family. It is not his money to spend - it is family money.

I would rather they pay for themselves or we would do something to accommodate 19 people on the original £600 (£300 each) budget.

BUT I also know how these situations can spin out of control to the point where everybody gets upset and old resentments surface. Can get ugly. I would go with WooWooOwl on this one.

Chottie · 20/03/2014 22:42

p.s. Huge sympathies from me. There are two subjects I never discuss with my DH, his mother and George Best :(

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/03/2014 22:48

"Not going to talk to mil , it could cause a big rift with bil"
Sorry, I'm not following this bit. Why would talking to MIL cause a rift with BIL? And between BIL and who? You? Your husband? MIL?

crje, I am quite shocked that your husband will only stretch to tesco vouchers and groupon for his son's 18th, but will spring around £1000 for his father's do. Whilst we're on the subject of rifts - don't you think the contrast in treatments is likely to cause a deserved rift between your husband and your son?

expatinscotland · 20/03/2014 22:49

'I do feel a bit sorry for him blush'

Your son had an 18th on Tesco vouchers and groupon, your kids will have no holiday this year and you feel sorry for this father who is going to spend £1000 on his dad's fucking birthday

Yep, you'll pay up. A possible 'rift' with your selfish twat inlaws is definitely more important than your own family . . .

catus · 20/03/2014 22:51

OK, you don't want to talk to MIL because of a potential rift with BIL. What do you mean by that if I may ask? Will he feel he has to pay your share? Something else?
Could you maybe talk to both of them? Or BIL's wife/partner if he has one?
You seem almost resigned to pay, like you feel there is a kind of fatality to it. And I have to say it is a bit surprising, to say the least, to see someone willing to spend her holiday money on a dinner for her DH's relatives (I mean not his immediate family like his parents and brother).